Angst

So here we go
And again I say
Another boy
And my hearts at play

This should be fun
For I like him so
He makes me smile
And to that he knows

I think it’s mutual
So I’m led to believe
But the skill set I doubt
Is in reading tea leaves

That is my one regret
In coming out in life so late
Having had none of the experiences
In dating other male mates

I feel like this is a broken record
And on many days it gets me down
Wondering when the day will come
Of a blessing from my king without a crown

Is that too much to ask of my faith
For the happiness that I so seek
I just wish my mind wasn’t my worst enemy
In making situations appear so bleak

Deep down I know they really are not
As I seem to just be overanalyzing again
But for me I continue to find it hard to know
When to make the right moves with men

Should, woulda, coulda, didn’t
For every word that I didn’t say
As I lie in bed I toss and turn
Wondering if I let him slip away

Maybe I paint a picture
Of which he views as incomplete
Leads him to question
Does he really want to go to sleep

But I really really do
Want to kiss him tonight
To feel his soft skin
And wake up with him when it’s light

I’m a bit nervous and scared
Confused and maybe a tad weak
Wondering what to make of us
For when we next speak

As I am now a bit more emotionally vulnerable
With a feeling of nakedness at the core
What’s left is for my mind to wonder
As to what exactly is in store.......

crushED

Twas the night after Christmas
And all through WeHoland
Fiestas were raging
Would a new connection be at hand

Who was that confident guy
That began hitting on me
Having talked me into buying him pizza
Although at the time I wished he'd let me be

"He's not really your type,"
As my friend said that night
He scared my bejesus
And caused me some fright

He was someone different
And for me very new
A bit more aggressive, crude, and totally hot
Did I even have a clue

So I started the timer
Thirty-two mornings ago
As I began to wonder
What I didn't know

I texted him back
At only fifteen hours five minutes in
Said, "hey half-slice the timer is stopped"
So let's let the dating begin

I don't find dating real easy
and the science seems so unjust
I found it to be real silly
that he was smitten with woman's busts

Thirty days did come
And thirty nights then went
He taught me a bunch
As we both seemed so spent

Having gazed into his deep brown eyes
And caressed his bright smooth skin
The greatest challenge seemed to be
In reaching him deep within

I began to believe
That he was holding back some truth
It certainly didn't help my cause
That my dating style was so uncouth

At a minimum he was disingenuous
At most I believe he may have lied
When you date a guy who you really like
The incongruence of your words and deeds shouldn't leave them wondering why

I should have trusted my gut early on
And had listened to my friends
For if I had done all that
I wouldn't need my broken heart to mend

He said he wouldn't hurt me
But that's exactly what he's done
All I asked for was some sincerity
In how he communicated and had his fun

I got blinded by the beauty
Of his gorgeous outer shell
Raising doubts about myself
I've unfortunatey known all too well

I look back at all it now
At what I could've done
To have increased our chances of being together
And to have had a bit more fun

It clearly was not meant to be
As the chemistry was just not there
For this I question his openess
Having clung to his dating history which for me was such a scare

I'm clearly a bit worried for him
Because I felt he was unwilling to grow
He said he'd gone on over one thousand dates
One would have thought he would eventually know

Just in case I'm not really clear
Half, I really do care and hope for you
That eventually you will conquer your fears
And succeed in relationships anew

My disappointment is certainly real
For that I am not gonna lie
He said, "you're gonna be a good boyfriend"
With it being over I've been temped to cry

I grew to like him very much
and thought of our future in store
Hoping for our own personal growth
To which he responded that he wouldn't change any more

But please don't get me wrong
As I am also very much to blame
I could have done things differently
And put more skin in the game

The reason why I am somewhat angry
Is not solely on the loss of losing him
It's once again the realization had a few things been done differently
Of the life that could have been

Well there you have my first, real guy crush
What I learned and how it affected me
So I guess it's now time to dust myself off
And find another one of those proverbial, fish in the sea