Angst

So here we go
And again I say
Another boy
And my hearts at play

This should be fun
For I like him so
He makes me smile
And to that he knows

I think it’s mutual
So I’m led to believe
But the skill set I doubt
Is in reading tea leaves

That is my one regret
In coming out in life so late
Having had none of the experiences
In dating other male mates

I feel like this is a broken record
And on many days it gets me down
Wondering when the day will come
Of a blessing from my king without a crown

Is that too much to ask of my faith
For the happiness that I so seek
I just wish my mind wasn’t my worst enemy
In making situations appear so bleak

Deep down I know they really are not
As I seem to just be overanalyzing again
But for me I continue to find it hard to know
When to make the right moves with men

Should, woulda, coulda, didn’t
For every word that I didn’t say
As I lie in bed I toss and turn
Wondering if I let him slip away

Maybe I paint a picture
Of which he views as incomplete
Leads him to question
Does he really want to go to sleep

But I really really do
Want to kiss him tonight
To feel his soft skin
And wake up with him when it’s light

I’m a bit nervous and scared
Confused and maybe a tad weak
Wondering what to make of us
For when we next speak

As I am now a bit more emotionally vulnerable
With a feeling of nakedness at the core
What’s left is for my mind to wonder
As to what exactly is in store.......

crushED

Twas the night after Christmas
And all through WeHoland
Fiestas were raging
Would a new connection be at hand

Who was that confident guy
That began hitting on me
Having talked me into buying him pizza
Although at the time I wished he'd let me be

"He's not really your type,"
As my friend said that night
He scared my bejesus
And caused me some fright

He was someone different
And for me very new
A bit more aggressive, crude, and totally hot
Did I even have a clue

So I started the timer
Thirty-two mornings ago
As I began to wonder
What I didn't know

I texted him back
At only fifteen hours five minutes in
Said, "hey half-slice the timer is stopped"
So let's let the dating begin

I don't find dating real easy
and the science seems so unjust
I found it to be real silly
that he was smitten with woman's busts

Thirty days did come
And thirty nights then went
He taught me a bunch
As we both seemed so spent

Having gazed into his deep brown eyes
And caressed his bright smooth skin
The greatest challenge seemed to be
In reaching him deep within

I began to believe
That he was holding back some truth
It certainly didn't help my cause
That my dating style was so uncouth

At a minimum he was disingenuous
At most I believe he may have lied
When you date a guy who you really like
The incongruence of your words and deeds shouldn't leave them wondering why

I should have trusted my gut early on
And had listened to my friends
For if I had done all that
I wouldn't need my broken heart to mend

He said he wouldn't hurt me
But that's exactly what he's done
All I asked for was some sincerity
In how he communicated and had his fun

I got blinded by the beauty
Of his gorgeous outer shell
Raising doubts about myself
I've unfortunatey known all too well

I look back at all it now
At what I could've done
To have increased our chances of being together
And to have had a bit more fun

It clearly was not meant to be
As the chemistry was just not there
For this I question his openess
Having clung to his dating history which for me was such a scare

I'm clearly a bit worried for him
Because I felt he was unwilling to grow
He said he'd gone on over one thousand dates
One would have thought he would eventually know

Just in case I'm not really clear
Half, I really do care and hope for you
That eventually you will conquer your fears
And succeed in relationships anew

My disappointment is certainly real
For that I am not gonna lie
He said, "you're gonna be a good boyfriend"
With it being over I've been temped to cry

I grew to like him very much
and thought of our future in store
Hoping for our own personal growth
To which he responded that he wouldn't change any more

But please don't get me wrong
As I am also very much to blame
I could have done things differently
And put more skin in the game

The reason why I am somewhat angry
Is not solely on the loss of losing him
It's once again the realization had a few things been done differently
Of the life that could have been

Well there you have my first, real guy crush
What I learned and how it affected me
So I guess it's now time to dust myself off
And find another one of those proverbial, fish in the sea

Beginning and "Happy" Ending.....soo soo sad

MONDAY

Luke: Hey you!

Adam: Doesn’t the song go Hey Ya?

Luke: Haha yes there is a song called “hey ya” (emoji smiley)

Adam: Yeah, and it’s a pretty darn good song. So what did you wind up doing tonight?

Luke: Oh u know...watching family guy...lounging in bed....haha super exciting night (emoji tongue out face) how’s the moving going?

Adam: It’s going. But it’s going a bit more slowly now because I’m chattin with this guy I just met (emoji wink face). And silly me for asking that question, I knew that. LOL

Luke: Hahaha well don’t let little ol me slow u down! (emoji wink face)

Adam: You’re not slowing me down. At&t was. I’ll just stay up later. For I did just drink a liter of tejava black tea.

Luke: Hahaha so you’ll be a lil wired huh? ;-) so where’s your new place at?

Adam: Something in this place has 2 b wired cause it sure ain’t the internet. Street and Street.

Luke: Haha. Oh Street and Street is not far from me

Adam: Cool! It’s a great location. In between Runyon and the gayborhood.

Luke: Exactly! I love Runyon btw

Adam: You’re becoming even more intriguing. ;) haha. Do u run?

Luke: Haha I used to run cross country but haven’t been running in a while. But I love to hike Runyon.

Adam: Strike 1. LOL

Adam: Forgot j/k

Luke: Haha strike 1?!

Adam: For not running

Luke: Oh yes def! Haha I like you...gotta keep my ass going and in shape!

Adam: That makes 2 or us.

Luke: Haha well u look like you’re in great shape

Adam: Oh, I meant who likes me. LOL

Adam: J/k. I’ve been traveling the past four weeks and I haven’t been 2 the gym since may. I’ve put on about 5 pounds.

Luke: Oh hahaha! Oh please...5 pounds is nothing

Adam: 5 pounds is a lot when u spend July 4th in Laguna. LOL

Luke: LOL! True

Luke: Well stud I’m gonna get to sleep. Look forward to talking tomorrow (emoji wink face) hope your unpacking goes well

Adam: Likewise Smiley. Thanks, and sweet dreams!

Luke: Night you

Adam: Night ya! LOL

Luke: LOL (emoji tongue out face)

TUESDAY

Luke: Morning ya

Adam: Good morning you!

Luke: How’d the unpacking go?

Adam: Progress was made but still a lot to go. Just got done from running 5 so going 2 jump in the shower.

Luke: Nice. Have fun in the shower ;-)

Adam: Aw, you’re sweet. If I only saw your text before. Haha

Luke: Haha well at least u got it

Adam: That I did

Luke: ;-)

Adam: So how was your day?

Luke: Hey you I was just getting ready to ask u the same thing ;-) It was great...went by quickly again. How was yours?

Adam: More unpacking, organizing, laundry, dishwashing, running to target and bbb, constructing, and lunch at daphnes. Yum! And still there’s more to do. Moving’s a bitch.

Luke: Hahahah I hear ya! But it’ll be so nice when it’s finally all done

Adam: You’re right, and I like my place :)

Adam: So what type of exciting evening do you have planned for yourself tonight?

Luke: See that’s the important thing...as cheesy as it sounds your home really should be your sanctuary and happy place (emoji wink face) I’m cooking dinner with a good friend of mine then nothin else planned

Adam: Yeah that’s cheesy. You making mac’n’cheese?

Luke: Anything exciting planned for u tonight?

Luke: Lol! Possibly...I’m not very creative or resourceful when it comes to cooking

Adam: Stir fry is always good. No, just more of the same. I plan on completing everything tonight. Fingers crossed!

Luke: I hope so! Don’t want it interfering with our dinner plans

Adam: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m looking forward to it, and anxious to see if your smile is as bright and engaging in person. ;)

Adam: The reservation is made

WEDNESDAY

Luke: Awwww I just got ur messages. I like to think my smile is way better in person ;-) oooo where we going?

Adam: I thought you like adventure? Are you allergic to anything like seafood or dairy, etc...? The reservation is at 8:15 and it’s at a fairly new place that has got excellent reviews from a number of sources.

Luke: Haha u pass the test! Congrats. No allergies to worry about. Am I meeting u somewhere?

Adam: Nah. I’ll pick lil ‘ol ya up around 7:35ish

Luke: Well how gentleman-like of you...that’s a nice surprise for once...

Adam: Really!?! You have been meeting cavemen. I’ll pick u up, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave you there. LOL

Adam: J/k of course

Luke: Lol! I have been indeed! You betta not leave me...i’ll kick ur ass (emoji tongue out face)

Adam: I may just like that....:P problem though is you won’t be able to catch me cause you don’t run

Luke: Hahaha! I love it

Luke: Look at u already capitalizing on my handicaps

Adam: I try. Handicap”s”? Anymore you want to tell me about? Haha

Luke: Oh u didn’t know? I’m a quadriplegic...is that going to be an issue?

Adam: Not at all. We’ll just have to meet at at the restaurant cause you won’t fit in my car. LOL like all the other cavemen.

Luke: LOL! Awww how quickly the sweetness goes right out the window. Yay I’m excited I must admit

Adam: I’m looking forward to meeting you as well. It is 07/08/09 after all.

Luke: Haha I was just getting ready to ask u what 07/08/09 was but then I got it gaga

Luke: Haha not gaga stupid phone

Adam: Yeah blame it on the phone lady gaga

Luke: Hahaha it thinks it’s smarter than I am

Adam: Cause you’re always showing it your poker face

Luke: Oh...ya good point

Adam: Got some stuff to do so gotta run. Let me know your address and have a great day! :)

Adam: Or where u want me to pick u up

Luke: Address. Have a great day!

Adam: So what will u b doing today at 12:34:56 on 7/8/9?

Luke: Hahaha I will def be working....but I guess I’ll make a wish huh?

Adam: Make it a good one

Luke: Oh I will

Adam: driving color manufacturer style

Luke: Are u here already?!

Adam: No. Leaving now.

Luke: Whew ok perfect

Adam: Here

Luke: Be right out

Luke: Thank u again for an amazing evening. I think u are a wonderful unique quality guy and I would love to get to know u better

Luke: Oh and I wanna know your full name...just bc I wanna ;-)

Adam: You’re certainly welcome and I enjoyed our time together just the same. We certainly come from different backgrounds, but that very well may be a good thing. I look forward to seeing you again in the next day or so. Would you like to plan our next adventure?

Adam: My last name is Name. Let me know if your P.I. has any issues investigating me. LOL

Luke: Lol! I would love to plan our next adventure. I will get back to you on the PI results (emoji wink face)

Adam: Yeah. Please let me know on that. I’m intrigued to know what they find out. Haha. And let me know when you’d like to plan #2 for.

Luke: Well I’m def thinking this weekend should be in order for #2

Adam: Sounds good and have a good night!

THURSDAY

Luke: Good morning mr wholesome ;-)

Adam: Good morning back at u mr wine-o

Luke: LOL

Luke: I hope u have a great day

Adam: And u as well! :-)

Luke: I look forward to seeing u again soon

Adam: Likewise, well not seeing me cause I c me right now, but seeing u

Luke: Lol ya u see enough of u

Adam: U saying I should share?

Luke: Well I mean...selfishness is never really good...

Adam: It looks like I’ll need to work on that. Haha

Luke: ;-)

Luke: Whats ur facebook?

Adam: Search via email address

Adam: FYI, I made plans with a friend of mine for tmrw night that was confirmed today so Friday is out for #2.

Adam: Forgot 2 say the plans were made last week. I am looking forward 2 date #2.

Luke: Well we’ll just have to do something for this weekend then...I’m glad you’re looking forward to it cuz so am I ;-)

Adam: Great, more time 4 u 2 plan. Haha C u soon! :-)

Luke: Haha yep! Hope your day is going well

Adam: It is, thanks and likewise. Finally going through all of my paperwork, which was a lot and then off 2 Runyon in an hour or so.

Luke: Awww I’m jealous ur doing Runyon...I need to get up there tonight

Adam: U want me to wait?

Luke: If you would like to! I’d love to go up there with you

Adam: Sure I’ll wait. Let me know what time I should meet u at fuller and sunset

Luke: I could be up there by 7:15 ;-)

Adam: c u then

Luke: Perfect

Adam: And just so u know, this isn’t #2, so you’re not off the hook 4 planning the next adventure.

Luke: Hahaha of course not! I’ll plan something way better ;-)

Luke: We still on for 7:15

Adam: Yep. Leaving apt now 4 fuller/sunset. May b a few minutes late.

Luke: No worries...I’m walking over there right now

(With the expectation that our second “official” date was to be during the weekend, on our walk back from the hike Luke innocently said that he spoke with his mom and that he would be going home for the weekend. I was a bit perplexed and shocked to find this out because up until that point I thought, and was excited, that we were planning to go on our next “official” date. So I clearly exhibited a surprised and disappointed look on my face after he told me this sudden change to not only his, but our weekend. At the time, as we were talking about it, he inferred that it was simply a test for him to see what my reaction would be in a demonstration of my interest in him. As I admitted to Luke at the time, a very shrewd move on his part.)

Adam: I still can’t believe u did that.

Luke: Hahaha I must admit it played out a little better than I expected it to

Luke: Thank u again for waiting and hiking with me

Adam: It was a very shrewd move and suffice it to say I was both dumbfounded and then impressed. I can’t believe I was played like that. Hmmmm

Adam: And no problem. I enjoyed it

Luke: I hope I didn’t hurt u (emoji teeth grin face)

Adam: Hurt me, nah. But you might worry. LOL

Luke: Uh oh....y?

Adam: I’ll leave u uh ohing for a while. Haha

Luke: ur a cruel one Adam Last Name

Adam: Why am I cruel? U r cruel. And our whole chat somehow got deleted from my phone. :(

Luke: Haha I’m messing with ya. Awww that’s sad!

Adam: Huh, it just reappeared. :)

Luke: Oh how nice of it

Adam: Maybe it was trying to fool me as well to see what my reaction would be.

Luke: Hahaha ya maybe my phone did it and was trying to take after me

Adam: Not after you called it stupid the other day.

Luke: Oh I call it that cuz it gets off on stuff like that

Adam: Oh really?

Luke: Yup...it’s pretty kinky

Adam: Does the phone take after you or do u take after your phone? Because I hear phones and their owners are like dogs and their owners. (while hiking we had a conversation about dog breeds having the personality of their owners)

Luke: Hmmmmm...you’ll have to see for yourself ;-)

Adam: My mom called. I’ll have to first see if it’s ok with her.

Luke: Haha this sounds so familiar from some odd reason

Luke: Good night u

Adam: Sweet and kinky dreams ya!

Luke: Lol! (emoji tongue out face)

FRIDAY

Adam: Morning ya! Any sweet or kinky ones last night?

Luke: Haha morning! None that I can recall unfortunately...how’d you sleep?

Adam: Like a baby until the street work on Street started. Have a great day!

Luke: Haha hate that!!! Thanks you too (emoji wink face)

Adam: Thx!

Adam: And how was your day? Oh wait...”it went by quickly!” LOL

Luke: Haha unfortunately today didn’t go by quickly and my boss was pretty nasty to everyone...but it’s now over! Yay (emoji wink face) how was yours? Get a tv?

Adam: Sorry 2 hear that. Mine was good and my apartment is finally in order and everything in its place. No tv today, but auto insurance.

Adam: Btw when r u planning our #2 for ? Tmrw?

Luke: Good....it’s nice to have everything in order! Haha congrats on auto insurance (tongue face) as for #2...can we shoot for Sunday? I’m trying to plan something fun.

Adam: Yes it is. And congrats r premature on the insurance. I haven’t changed anything yet. Yeah, Sunday will work fine.

Luke: Haha well then I retract my “congrats.” Perfect, I’m excited to see u again.

Adam: Retraction accepted. I look forward to seeing u as well and what u have up your sleeve for date #2.

Luke: Hahaha dun dun dun

Adam: Not fair. :( I didn’t do that 2 u and we’re way too far away from Sunday.

Luke: What’s not fair? That I am trying to surprise you? That’s right...ur probably a little nervous about surprises now huh? Haha

Adam: No. It’s that you were teasing me about it. Should I b nervous about it? FYI, I’m not jumping out of an airplane.

Luke: Awww I wasn’t trying to tease you I’m sorry. I think I take my joking too far sometimes. And no lol we’re not jumping out of an airplane

Adam: Gotcha! Mr. Humility.....haha

Luke: LOL (emoji tongue out face)

SATURDAY

Adam: Tick tock tick tock

Adam: R we still on 4 tmrw?

SUNDAY

Adam: Did something happen? Are u alright? Can u pls call me as I’m very concerned!



So after all of that, it appears the surprise that Luke was planning for our date was to go AWOL. In the week that we had been communicating, the above was our text chat but we met and communicated for a bit on an internet site as well, I had gotten to really like him. I had also received the impression that he liked me. After finally meeting and seeing him twice.....I thought something was possible between the two of us.

When Sunday night rolled around I became very concerned for his welfare. We became facebook friends late in the week so I messaged one of his closer friends, whom he told me about, to see if she had heard from him. She had not. (FWIW, I would have become very concerned for any of my friends whom we had plans together and I had not heard from them in two days)

I didn’t hear from him on Sunday, so on Monday I called him at work. We only spoke for a minute or so as I didn’t want to bother him. I really only wanted to make sure he was alive and to better understand why he went AWOL. He told me what happened and said he would call back later in the day.

A little bit after our phone conversation I emailed Luke the following:

I hope you don't think I'm crazy or am a stalker, but I was genuinely concerned about you since I had not heard from you since Friday. I hope your ______and _______ are doing better.

In the evening Luke emailed me back:

No way! I thank you actually for calling and checking in...it's surprising to have someone care so much like that...but very nice! I'm so sorry about this weekend. My ______ got hurt at a ______and I had to go home and my phone has been having problems (I dropped it again)

I hope that you are not too upset with me...if so I understand. But I would really like very much to plan a second date ;-)

Later on that night I emailed him back:

You're welcome, and I hope your ________ is ok and getting better.

I don't know if your phone is working but I just tried calling as I thought I would have heard from you. I'd rather talk than write so I hope I'll hear from you.

Since I never heard from him, the next day I emailed him:

I sense that these last few days for you have been a trying time. Part of me wants to be there for you to help you through it. I feel kind of odd writing that because we did just meet, but I want to be able to hold you, kiss you, and basically just make sure you're okay. You know I basically didn't get much sleep the last two nights and it's driving me crazy. Honestly, I don't know exactly why either.

But

I also have another sense that is beginning to wonder if this all makes sense. I mean we did just meet. You seem like a great guy, and I truly am sorry that you had a family _________ this past weekend. But with that being said, it appears you made no effort to let me know that something had come up and you had to postpone. Then yesterday, you said you would call back, and then I never heard from you. (yeah I know you sent a facebook message) I'm not angry or upset with you about these things, but I am disappointed. I believe I deserved better. So selfishly, I'm wondering if I should allow myself to get disappointed like this by a guy I just met.

I do like you Luke, and maybe it's surprising to me that I may like you more than I'm comfortable with at this point. I would like to see you soon and talk this through, but I need you to step forward, or I'm going to force myself to step away. Are you the Luke whom I met and liked and had so much fun with the first few days, or are you the Luke that has been driving me crazy and disappointed me these last few days?

Would you like to meet up tonight?

Two days passed and I had not heard from Luke. Contrary to the advice of my two closest friends in L.A. (after describing the situation and reading to them the above email that I had sent) I decided to call Luke at work again. The reason for the call was twofold. First, I wanted to soften the tone of the last email and ensure that he didn’t read it as a rigid, “take me or leave me” ultimatum. (Apparently expressing your emotions and feelings, let alone proactively communicating, is not a common concept here in WeHo.) Second, I wanted, in my mind, to be able to separate from him and continue to date and flirt with other guys. So the call was very beneficial to me. I told him that I like him and would love to see him again. I also said that he should take his time and that I am here for him if he needs someone to talk to. He told me that he had not been on facebook during the week and had not read the prior email. He also told me that he had to move apartments earlier in the week. So little by little more info is creeping out but I still find it all very odd.

Nonetheless, I’ve communicated what I’ve wanted to communicate to him and the chips will fall where they may. I really like Luke and I hope I’ll hear from him again, but the next move has to be his. Well except for his pretty little facebook pictures that I could and did use to.........well you know! :(

Less Than Jake-"The Science of Selling Yourself Short"

What Gives?

A few weeks ago I met this guy, whom I’ll call Jack, out at a club. We went home together that night, and although it was a very vanilla affair, I believe we both enjoyed each other’s company. I didn’t ask for his number when we were together, but we did become facebook friends the following Monday and messaged back and forth a few times. As the week went on, my affection for him began to grow. Since he didn’t have his number listed in his facebook info, I messaged him on Friday and asked him three questions.

1. Are you in town this weekend?
2. May I call you? and if so
3. What is your number?

He messaged back:

1. That he was leaving for the weekend.
2. I could call him.
3. And he gave me his number

So on Tuesday, I called Jack, we chatted for a bit and I then asked him out on a date. I don’t remember his specific response, but his answer to my request was left open on the phone call but he said that he would get back to me the following day. So the following day I was at my cousin’s wedding in Disneyland when I received his text at 9:43PM.

“I didn’t forget about you. I just got home from a crazy day.”

I replied to him with a text at 10:57PM.

“I hope it was crazy good. Will b back in Weho tmrw afternoon. I’m no sleuth but I sense ur days are crazier than mine, so touch base when u can. Thx!

Well, I never heard back from Jack, so I called and left a voicemail message for him on Sunday.

So let me tell you, it’s a great feeling to not only be forgotten, to use Jack’s word, but to also be ignored. This experience takes me back to the only other guy that I asked out on a date. (the rest of my dates, the other guys asked me) In both cases, neither of the guys provided me with a yes or no answer.

What’s with that?

In addition, and in an evaluation of my own self, I asked both of the guys out immediately before I would be leaving town for extended periods of time.

What does this say about me? Is it just a coincidence of time, or is there something with me asking guys out before I leave town? (Jack didn’t know I would be leaving town, but Gene did.)

I do believe Jack is a good guy and I know he works a lot, but I just don’t know what happened and it’s bothering the hell out of me. We have a few things in common, and I would like to get to know him better. I will follow up with him again in a few weeks, but I’m beginning to get frustrated that, in my limited experience, a pattern is developing where guys don’t have the balls to lay it on the line and say yes or no.

Oh, and the funny part of the story is that on Sunday, I learned from a friend that Jack lives two houses down from him. Maybe I’ll go knock on his door and ask for some sugar. lol

It's Crunch Time

I’ve wrote before, or at least I think I’ve wrote before about how I’ve had the opportunity to see many of the same guys working out on a weekly basis at the gym. With that being said, there’s this one hottie who I have seen many times that has piqued my interest. He’s got dark black hair, light skin, and a nice looking, athletic body. I presume he is either Italian, a Latino, or of some combination. :-) I’ve found him to be a bit mysterious, is he straight or is he gay? I can’t tell because beyond the stereotypical looking gays, I have no gaydar. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen hottie out at the clubs, and like when I first arrived in WeHo, this guy carries a bag with him on the gym floor. (rather than storing it in the locker room)

So I arrived at the gym today and I first noticed hottie downstairs on the treadmills. I was hopeful that for the first time our workouts, from a time perspective, would mirror each others. Not knowing whether hottie was completing his workout on the treadmills or just beginning his workout, I departed for the gym floor upstairs. Within a few minutes I was excited to see that hottie had just arrived upstairs.



I began to sense that hottie and I just might complete our workouts at the same time today, and we would finally have that opportunity to meet outside.

Outside? To be honest, I go to the gym to workout, to observe the “occasional” eye candy on the gym floor, and to get out of there. I don't go to the gym to meet people because I find it a bit of a cliche and a very awkward place to do that, and I certainly don't linger or cruise around in the locker room. Call me a prude, although I like to think of myself as a traditionalist, but the locker room, shower, and steam room scene is not for me. In writing that I’m being a bit presumptive, because to be quite honest, I don’t know if there even is that type of scene at my gym.

Anyways, throughout my workout I had the opportunity to keep an eye on hottie. He minded his own business, I minded mine, and we never stared or maintained eye contact with each other. When I finished my workout upstairs I didn’t see hottie as I quickly glanced around the space. I went downstairs for my 3 minute cool-down on the treadmill and did not see hottie downstairs either. So I retrieved my things from the locker room and left.



I made it off the outdoor mall’s premises and about twenty feet down the street when I thought to myself, I’ve got to take a chance. So I returned to the courtyard of the mall and climbed back up the stairs. As I turned for the gym, guess who was on his way towards me? (at that point I felt like a complete dork) He passed by as I began to wonder what my next move would be. He continued, stepped onto the down escalator, and began to return his earbuds to his bag. After a few seconds of thought I began to walk down the stairs, which were to the right of the down escalator. As hottie approached the midpoint of his journey down the escalator, I introduced myself and said hello.

My line went something like this, “Hey, I’ve seen you at the gym a number of times and I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.” (I know, real difficult!)

We only spoke for a minute or so, and at best I now know his name. I am still clueless as to which way he swings. At the same time I wonder if he is as clueless about me. Although, I believe it to be a bit obvious at this point. What straight guy approaches another guy at the gym? Especially in the obvious way in which our encounter occurred. When he left the gym I wasn’t on his floor. I arrive back on his floor from below, he passes, I follow him back down, and then I said hello.

I smiled and laughed during my walk home. I found this experience to be quite amusing. I’m still laughing as I write this. Too funny!

Since I’ve made my move, I believe the ball, no pun intended, is now in Joseph’s court. At worst, he’s another guy I could say hello to when I work out. At best, something more could come, again no incorrectly spelled pun intended, of it.

My Double Entendre

“Damn, you hooked up with him?”

I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely laudatory, astonished, and excited way.

"Hell Yes!!!"......The lustful, free spirited, confident, liberal side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of satisfaction the three letter word I wanted to positively use to answer this question.

“Damn, you hooked up with him?”

I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely unflattering, shocked, and saddened way.

"Hell No!!!".......The stiff, stoic, diffident, conservative side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of shame and embarrassment the two letter word that I wanted to negatively use to answer this question.

Since my arrival in L.A., many of my L.A. friends have given me a tremendous amount of grief over the “type” or “look” of the guys that I’m most attracted to. While it has all been in good fun, I would be lying if it didn’t have some sort of stifling effect on me. There were times when I’d be out and my mind would prevent me from going after the type of guys that I really wanted to get to know. Despite my attraction to these guys, my mind would take me back to the ribbing from my L.A. friends and the wonderment of what my longtime family and friends would think about some of the guys whom I physically liked. So in the past, I just didn’t really pursue what I really wanted.

Fuck it! ;) Haha, just kidding but seriously I’m done letting what others may perceive of me limit how I’ve been living my life. I care about what all of my family and friends think of me and the people who are and will become part of my life, but I have to be truer to myself and go after the guys that turn me on.

Early last week I went out and the above process unfolded yet again. Only this time I decided that I had had enough. So I went after a hottie and made it happen. We had a great night together. ;) What’s funny about this was my Hottie, who appeared younger, was actually a few months older than some of my L.A. friends. (at least the two who were with me part of the night when I met said Hottie) So much for their ribbing, and it’s been a hoot letting them know his age.

It was really a great night and a prelude to what would turn into an incredibly great week. I met more guys, some of whom may turn into friends while others may turn into something else, and received more numbers last week then I had during any other week since my arrival in L.A. It was an awesome week, and I believe I’ve learned a little bit more about myself and what I need to do to achieve the results and happiness that I’m looking for. It’s incredible what a little confidence and finally getting passed one’s own self imposed hang-ups could do for you.

And with that I’m all SMILES!!!

Your Answer Please

It was 6 long days.

Six days to wonder what the answer would be.

Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.

Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.

On the sixth night we got together for dinner at this little Chinese restaurant. For the most part our evening was like all of our other prior engagements, a good time. Although, from the get go I felt like there was a proverbial elephant in the room. For the first 40 minutes or so, what I had asked of him six nights prior was not discussed. To the contrary, I thought he was guiding me to a two letter answer based on our conversation about some other guys that I’ve gone out with.

So having not formally broached the topic for most of the evening I finally invited the elephant to sit down with us. What had been a good conversation turned into a great one. We both were very open, honest, and in a sense a bit vulnerable. The conversation was both exciting and terrifying.

And his answer was YES!

Risk/Reward

I have really tried over the last week to formulate my thoughts and write about what’s been going on these last two weeks, but honestly it has been very difficult. Since I began writing Stand Straight, this has been the first time that I really have had this problem. A lot has happened, events that have been both positive and negative, but I just found it has been very difficult to write about these things.

I’m hopeful, yet extremely terrified that I may have made a mistake. Terrified with the feeling that I may have forever changed a relationship that has been so positive for me. I may be making too big a deal about this, and I probably am, but since it’s been so long and I’m not sure what the gay dating mores are, that uncertainty has me terrified.

So what has me so terrified? Well, I asked a friend out on a date. Having known him, and having shared many a good times with him over the last few months, my feelings for him began to change. I don’t quite know what my feelings mean, but what I do know is that they are different today then what they were in late December. Ironically, it was what another date who I met out on Monday said that got me into thinking about my relationship with my friend.

So we spoke over the phone on Tuesday and I simply asked him out on a date. Nothing more, nothing less. I completely surprised him and his response was, “A date, date?” We spoke for another 20 minutes or so and it was a good conversation. He admired how open and honest I was, and thought I had balls for asking him. We will get together in the next few days to discuss this in person to determine what, if anything comes next.

(and in full disclosure this friend is one of the two guys whom I've told about Stand Straight since my arrival in LA)

3AM

Friday night’s plan was to attend my friend's Holiday party, then come home early to get a good night’s rest. I wanted to wake up early on Saturday morning because I had a lot of work to do in preparation for my own party which was scheduled for Saturday night. It’s funny then to experience the results of changes in the most well thought out plans.

I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.

So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.

We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.

We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.

It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)

So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.

With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?

KLF-"3AM Eternal"

Week that Was

It’s been an emotionally exhausting last seven days. (for a reason I intend to write about in the future)

I’m home in Phoenix and have been so since the 24th. I’ve enjoyed spending time during the Thanksgiving holiday with family and close friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with those who have been, and still are important people in my life.

A few of the highlights with Stand Straight relevance include:

A dinner with one of my younger cousins, who lives out here in Arizona, and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother, and sister-in-law. This had been the first time that I’ve seen my cousin since I came out and it was great getting together. She was really happy for me and noticed how relaxed and free I appeared to be. After dinner, I along with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law all went to a gay bar for a few drinks. While I enjoyed going to a gay bar with them, it was a Monday and the place was empty. As they say it’s the thought that counts. haha

A luncheon with a close friend where the topic of Prop 8 and 102, the recent amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida, the Mormons, civil rights, adoption, and discrimination came up. We are both very optimistic about life and genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people. I believe that he believes all Americans should have equal rights. Where we differ is in the question of whether that inherent goodness in people has translated into full equality, both in opportunities and rights, for all Americans. He asked me this question, “Have you ever been discriminated against?” I answered, “No.” I haven’t in the past, but as I told him many other people have. Since August, and especially more so now since the election I FEEL, and more importantly I legally AM, less equal. An OPPORTUNITY is no longer there for me to strive towards the achievement of a goal. And when an opportunity is no longer there for someone, what’s the incentive for that someone to work towards achieving that goal. Throughout my life I’ve always had goals. Goals which have pointed me in a focused direction towards the achievement of a higher level of success. Whether it was running marathons, attaining professional success and recognition, or even writing this blog. (to name just a few) So the question I have for the heterosexual and majority community is this:

In the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave; what love, relationship, and familial goals should I, a man who happens to be gay, work to achieve?

I believe all these equality issues are really as simple as that, and the answers to it will certainly expose the discrimination that’s espoused and supported by those I respectfully disagree with on these societal issues. (and btw, my friend and I may disagree on how we go about achieving full equality, but he does not fall into the category of espousing discrimination)

Although an emotionally difficult day, Thanksgiving with the family was an enjoyable one. I do have a lot to be thankful for and being blessed with such a loving and wonderful family is just one of those things. Since it has been a few months since I’ve come out to them, it was an interesting day to gauge their comfort level with things that I could share and talk to them about. My mom is clearly ahead of my dad. I separately spoke with both of them about my first date the prior week. My mom asked a number of questions, whereas my dad made a comment that he was happy for me but quickly changed the subject. It has, and still is taking me time, so I can certainly understand, and quite frankly expect that this will continue to be a coming out process for him as well.

On Saturday night I went back to the one club that I had ventured to on my last trip home in September. (please see If It Weren't So Funny I'd Cry post) First off, I believe I saw Luis again and it appears he has been working out. Second, I conducted some intense research in preparation for this visit and was told that on Saturday nights this was supposedly the place to be. I arrived at 10:20PM and my sister-n-law (SNL) joined me shortly thereafter. I found it to be a bit sparse throughout most of the night. One room was pretty crowded while the other was not so much. I can only assume that the light crowd was attributable to Saturday falling on a holiday weekend. Nonetheless there were a number of hotties, and I pointed out mine about 20 minutes into the night. Like all of my other not so fulfilling bar/club excursions, here’s this week’s version.

So my hottie came with another guy who was average looking. I believe he was the hottest guy in the bar. He was about my height, had blondish-brown short hair, smooth skin, a great body, and appeared to be a bit more muscular than I. As I told my SNL, I’m typically not into guys bigger than me, but I thought he was hot. So for the next hour or so, my SNL and I had some drinks, talked, and walked between the two rooms looking for guys and listening to the music. As an aside, my SNL was even looked up and down by a very attractive girl who was seated at the bar. From what I could remember during this period Hottie and I did not make any significant eye contact. I also observed that Hottie and Average displayed no PDA throughout the night, so based on my prior experience I was preparing an approach. The two of them had been dancing for a number of songs when Disturbia, by Rihanna, came on. (please see City of Wonder post on the meaning I place on this song) My SNL and I hit the dance floor and positioned ourselves right next to Hottie and Average. When Disturbia ended, a crappy song followed and about a quarter of those dancing left the floor. At the time, Hottie and Average did not. Since the song sucked I walked to the DJ to put in a few requests. Apparently when I walked by Hottie, my SNL heard him tell his friend, “He’s smokin!” Upon hearing this shocking news my SNL then went up to Hottie and asked, “Do you think my friend is cute?” Hottie replied, “Yes, I think your friend is cute.” So I returned from the DJ to my SNL and she tells me the story. The problem at this point was that Hottie and Average had already left the dance floor before I returned. My SNL and I then left the dance floor and after a few minutes went looking for the two of them but they were nowhere to be found. They must have left the club, and this was before midnight. Once again I left a club disappointed, and this time around with a whole new set of questions to ponder and one final comment for my SNL, “Tonight has been the story of my gay life.”

I met up with the Sugarwaters (Pop and Fizz) whom I hadn’t seen in some time and who I’ve know for years. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to meet up with them during my September visit, so I came out to them over the phone in October. It was wonderful to get together with them and to see their two cute and extremely social kids. We had a great conversation where I learned that Fizz was a huge fan of Stand Straight. :-) It was very flattering, but more so rewarding, to hear some of their comments because it meant that my second goal for writing Stand Straight has been achieved. (please see Break It Down post for my three goals of Stand Straight) And Fizz, sorry, but I have no plans for taking any blog tours around the country with the cast of characters from Stand Straight. As a consolation, maybe I’ll have the cast sign a pair of Stand Straight boxer/briefs that you can have Pop wear. (Wow that just gave me a business idea!)

Z and My First Date

After about 2.5 weeks I finally saw Z at the gym again on Wednesday. He was sitting on an incline dumbbell bench about 5 feet from where I was completing my lower back, hyper-extension exercise. When I finished, I went over to Z to say hello. He stuck out his hand, palm facing down with his weight glove on, and we shook hands in a cupped way. We chatted for a few minutes and I then finally asked him out. I referenced the fact that I still owed him and I asked him out for drinks or lunch. He did not answer it with a yes or a no. He smiled, I smiled and we hedged around what I had just asked. I left him by saying something to the effect of, "think about it and let me know." It was really a nice conversation and he told me that over the last few weeks he was frequenting the gym later in the day to attend an abs class, hence why I haven’t seen him. I only bring this up because he said that I should take the class as well. (he said that before I asked him out)

I’m not sure if Z will at some point say yes, but I’m okay with that. For me, Z was the first cute guy that really caught my attention when I moved out here and joined a gym. Metaphorically, he has been my barometer in how I’ve evaluated my progress since arriving in WeHo. It’s been an interesting, educational, and fun pursuit of Z over the last few months. Befriending him, and subsequently asking him out in some respects brings closure to this initial chapter in my coming out. So I’m pleased that I finally asked him out, and I just might have to attend one of those ab classes. Who knows, maybe he works it with his shirt off. :-)

And to think that you thought Z would be my first date. That would have been just too darn Hollywood. The fact is Stand Straight comes to you from West Hollywood, and my first date is in two days with a guy I met while attending my first house party last Saturday night. He asked for my number on Saturday night, called me on Tuesday to ask me out, and we're going for brunch on Saturday because I already had plans for Friday night.

Good Times!!!

Hyde and Seek

“You’re like a little boy in a candy shop.”

The text message I received from a friend this morning at 12:37AM upon learning that I went to Hyde for some late night/early morning fun. Indeed I was one of many “little boys” who ventured to Hyde last night looking for some sweets. It was the first time that I had ever gone out on a Tuesday, let alone to Hyde where Tuesday is gay night, and I’ll tell you this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Hyde is a really small bar/lounge on Sunset which had a very intimate vibe to it, not to mention incredibly expensive drinks. The clientele skewed younger and it was inspiring to be a part of that youthful, gay exuberance with guys who were there just to have fun and not think. My only problem is that I just can’t have fun. I ALWAYS have to THINK!

I had tons of fun last night and initiated most of the conversations that I had with other guys. (full disclosure, I went to Hyde with 1 friend) I was particularly attracted to this one guy, I’ll call him J, who was extremely cute in both body and face. I initiated my first conversation with him when we were both standing about 14 feet back from, well really in front of the bar while our friends, my 1 and his 4, were getting drinks. I initiated some small talk with J which lasted about a minute or two. When my friend came back with our drinks we moved back into the main room.

Shortly thereafter J and his friends came back into the main room and were standing not too far from us. When I had the opportunity, I moved in on J and told him that I thought he was cute. We spoke for a few minutes and that was that. He and his friends then left the main room and all I could think about was that I must have spooked him by being so forward. As the night wore on I reckoned that he must have told his friends that I approached because I got many glances from them. As the night was coming to a close J and his friends were between me and the door. I was talking with my friend and two other guys, and I saw J dancing with one of his friends. What completely shocked me was this. J, who again was closer to the door than I, came back up to me and said, “My friends and I are leaving and I enjoyed meeting you.” I responded, asked J a question or two, and we then said our goodbyes. Unfortunately, the most important question is the one that I DIDN’T ask. Duh, J what is your number?

So I’m left to wonder and reconcile why J took off to get back with his friends shortly after I told him that I thought he was cute, yet made it a point to go out of his way to come find me and say goodbye. Was he just being polite or was his action a sign of interest? I’m seeking answers, and now I’m seeking J!

Katy Perry-”Hot N Cold”

Argh Again!!!!

I was planning a night in last night, to continue to clear out weeks of TV programming that I had stored on my TIVO, when I received a call from a friend who wanted me to join him out. So I obliged.

I got to the bar and immediately followed these two guys in. One of which was a total hottie and the other was so-so. Suffice it to say, I fell in love for the second time, yet did not learn a damn thing from my first experience. Midway into the evening these two were sitting down in the lounge area where I made some extended eye contact with Hottie as I walked by their couch. My friend, who knew I liked him, went to go sit down next to them while I continued to walk around the bar pretending to look for someone else. When I made it back to my friend, the two had gotten up and were on the move to the other side of the bar. So we followed shortly thereafter.

They got into a long conversation with this other guy, and I too got into a long conversation with another cute guy who was a friend of a friend’s friend. While I was talking with Cutie, Hottie went to the bathroom and separated from So-So. So my friend took the liberty to go up to So-So, they were standing directly in my line of sight about 12 feet away, and find out more about his friend Hottie. Since I was still conversing with Cutie, the result of my friends discussion with So-So was a mystery. What I do know was that when Hottie returned to So-So, the two of them moved right next to me and Cutie and I definitely noticed them looking our way. Cutie and I did have a great conversation and he was definitely someone that I wanted to see again so I asked him for his number. He gave it to me and I felt like such a douche because as I’m adding it to my phone I see Hottie and So-So looking my way. Cutie took off after he gave me his number and my friend rejoined me. It’s then that I learned that So-So told him that he and Hottie were boyfriends. I was amazed to learn this because as my friend and I were talking Hottie and I made more eye contact. And when I turned my back to them, I was told that Hottie was looking my way. When I turned back around, Hottie and I made yet more eye contact. I was completely dumbfounded and had no clue as to how I should proceed because I didn’t know if I believed what So-So told my friend. So-So and Hottie did not once throughout the evening appear to be lovey dovey and if they truly were boyfriends shouldn’t they have been? So I decide that I’m going to go up to the two of them and say this. “If you guys really are boyfriends congratulations. So-So, you are truly lucky and Hottie, you are extremely hot!” The problem I had was that I once again deliberated too long. So-So and Hottie left, not without Hottie and I sharing one last glance.

So when I get home I decide to text Cutie to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him. I scroll through my contacts in search of his info and I couldn’t find it. I must not have saved it after I entered it. I’m such a fool! I’m also embarrassed that I had to email my friend for his help in acquiring Cutie’s number again, but such is MY life.

Lastly, why is it that my best nights out always seem to be the ones that aren’t planned in advance?

Finally A Weekend of WeHo Firsts

Finally I went out extremely confident! :)
Finally I felt like I belonged! :-)
Finally I brought home my first cute guy! :-D

Friday

I arrived at Eleven around 10:30pm. I’m beginning to think there is a reason why they call it Eleven and that is there is no reason to arrive there before 11:00. One of these days I won’t be so excited to arrive early. (fwiw, this was my first night out since I arrived back in WeHo because I have been fighting a cold for the past two weeks.) The crowd was a bit sparse and there was plenty of room to move around. I once again went out alone, and this time it was my choice. As crazy as it now sounds, I actually enjoy going out to gay bars, not clubs, alone. (more on that later)

I’ve touched on this a little before but throughout most of my life I have never liked having pictures taken of me. In addition, I have never liked looking at pictures of myself. (you will not find any pictures of me displayed in open view throughout my apartment.) Like many people, the image I saw of myself in a photo, or the mirror for that matter, was different from what others saw of me. It was never because I didn’t think I was attractive, because I do think I’m around a 7.8 on a 10 scale, (haha) but I believe it was because I never really loved myself. (especially the last 8 years) With all of that said the last two weeks were amazing. Between all of the compliments that I received from my closest friends in how great I looked and how happy I appeared, to seeing what I actually looked liked with the photos I posted online, I just never really knew or maybe ever believed. That’s all changed!!!!!! (and fully coming out certainly played a HUGE part in it as well)

So on Friday night I looked damn good and knew it! I was mentally prepared, and it was my full intention to be the one to initiate conversations for the night. As luck would have it, I didn’t need to initiate any at all. (and for those keeping track, I wore a Lacoste slim fit polo shirt with 2 of the 3 top buttons buttoned and a pair of Diesel jeans.) I arrived and went straight to the bar to get a drink. I then proceeded to walk around a bit to see the clientele and subsequently settled on a spot to call home for the next 20 minutes. When I passed these three guys on my walk, I overheard one of them say, “he’s hot!” So when I stopped, I noticed that they were checking me out for quite some time. When it was time for me to replenish my drink I made sure to go to the bar a few feet in front of them. I got to the bar and overheard them talking about me. So I leaned over the bar and stuck out my arse to give them a good shot. haha I got my drink and went back to the area where I had been. To be honest, I was just waiting for them to make their move. After about 20 minutes one of them came over. He said, “Hi. One of my friends, the one who was interested in yours truly, wanted to know where you’re from.” So I responded, “Hi. That’s an odd question, does he believe he knows who I am.” He replied, “No. He was just curious.” Anyway, I answer his question and we spoke for about 10 minutes. Then his other two friends, including the one who was interested, approached. We all spoke for a little bit but I wasn’t interested. They invited me up to the second floor with them but I passed.

Then another guy approached. He came to the bar with his roommate who didn’t seem to be having a good time. I’ll call him Brazil. (he’s from Brazil via Boston) Brazil was a nice guy and we had decent conversations on two separate occasions. I was not physically attracted to Brazil but I thought there may be a possibility for us to become friends. So I actually gave him my number. (after speaking with a friend I think this may have been a bad idea since I may have led him to believe something different) Early Saturday morning I received a text message from Brazil that read,

“Nice meeting you tonight Adam. Thought u looked great btw. Remember don’t change your style!”

I have not responded to his text yet because I’m not sure what to say. Anyway.

Then two other guys approached. One of the guys opening line was, “You have nice hair.” So I replied, “Thanks. I’m just glad I still have some.” We spoke briefly and the guy thought I looked like Hugh Grant. haha Anyway when the opening line guy got caught up in another conversation I turned to his friend and said, “I thought that was an odd opening line what does he mean?” So he replied, “my friend likes you.” Once again I wasn’t interested, but I was intrigued by one of their friends who was introduced to me at the end of our conversation. Said friend had an Asian background and a great body. All these guys then moved on and Brazil came back. Throughout most of the time I was with Brazil I and Said Asian friend were looking each other up and down from a distance. It was great fun and part of me assumed and hoped that Brazil noticed that and took that as a sign that I wasn’t physically attracted to him.

Anyway, Brazil and his unhappy roommate left and I then made my way to the other side of the bar by the stairwell. No sooner did I stop, a girl walks by and tells me that I should unbutton the remaining two shirt buttons that I had buttoned. She thought I didn’t fit in. I looked at her with a scowl and should have slapped her silly. Then a really cute exotic looking guy approached from the bar. How does this sound; half Spanish, half Japanese, from Brazil, who now lives in London. (I’ll call him Brazlon)



Brazlon, you had me at hello. You had me at hello. (btw, I think I have a thing for guys with a little Asian in them) We talked and everything came so easy for me. It was a bit noisy where we were standing so he recommended that we go upstairs. I followed him to the back stairwell (I had no idea there was a back stairwell) and upstairs to the back room where we parked ourselves on some couches. We continued to flirt with one another when he tried to kiss. I pulled away and told him that I wasn’t ready to kiss another guy in public. We talked a little bit about each others experiences and then an acquaintance of mine walked past and we gave each other a hug and hello. I then sat back down and Brazlon and I continued to flirt and FINALLY my heart overpowered my mind and we started to kiss. I can’t recall what triggered my change in attitude nor who made the first move. All I can recall was how awesome it was. After kissing on the couch for sometime I then said to Brazlon, “let’s get out of here!” We walked downstairs where Brazlon tried to find his friend, but to no avail. We grabbed a cab and were heading home.

Brazlon spent the night and all I’m going to say is that I had an awesome time. It all just felt so right. Brazlon was great and it was so nice to wake up with him next to me.

Saturday

Due to the great night and morning I had, I was late meeting good friends of mine who live about 1.5 hours southeast of WeHo. (I was contemplating postponing the meeting with the excuse that “something came up” but our meeting was too important.) This was another coming out/update conversation and like all the others before them their reaction was wonderful. It was great to see them and their two beautiful little girls, great to bring them back into my life, and I really look forward to their future visits to WeHo.

For the first time in WeHo, I did not go out on a Saturday night.

Sunday

Ethan, a friend of mine, invited me out to dinner where we joined up with some of his friends. Had a nice meal, good conversation, and drank a bit too much wine. (first time I’ve drank wine out since I’ve arrived) After dinner we decided to go check out Area. (supposedly the club to be at on Sunday nights)

To be honest, my experience at Area was So-So. The negative So about my experience at Area was that I thought the music stunk and the place didn’t seem that crowded. The positive So were the conversations I had and the two guys I saw.

On the conversation front, I told Ethan about many of the tips that I’ve learned through my experience of navigating a gay bar by myself. When you’re by yourself, you learn to fine tune your senses of sight and sound. These senses are key as you make your way through the crowds of the hot and not so hot. I also conveyed to him how much of an impact I thought the last few weeks have had on my confidence and attitude. Without a doubt, I am a different person. How different? Ethan thought a guy was cute, so as any good friend would do I went up to said cute guy and started a conversation. Ethan soon joined in on the conversation and by the end of the night they were dancing. :) (fwiw, I also thought he was cute)

It was the guys I saw that made for a fitting end to a great weekend! First up, Brazlon. :-) It was nice to see him again and to hear that his visit to WeHo was going well. Brazlon was there with three of his friends, so I introduced Ethan to Brazlon and Brazlon introduced us to his friends. Brazlon and I spoke for a little bit but that was it. What stoked my ego was hearing what Ethan thought of Brazlon. :-D

After our conversation with Brazlon and his friends, Ethan and I decided to walk around. It was here where I noticed Z and Z noticed me. haha I went up to him again, played ignorant in not remembering his name, and reintroduced myself. I then introduced Z to Ethan. We all spoke for a bit and I thought more progress was made. (he definitely knows who I am) When we left Z, Ethan says to me, “I didn’t realize how cute he was. You have good taste.” haha

What an end, make that beginning to a wonderful new year. L'Shana Tova! Happy New Year!


Switchfoot-”Dare You to Move”

Welcome to the Planet
Welcome to Existence
Everyone’s Here
Everyone’s Here
Everybody is watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
I Dare you to Move
I Dare you to Move
I Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

What are the Odds?

I don’t recall if I posted anything on this, but there is this really cute guy at the gym who I've had a crush on since I first saw him back in July. (and it’s not the same guy that I recently introduced myself to in the Hello It's Nice to Meet You post) My crush is smaller (body frame), cuter, and younger. (which means I’m probably too old :( ) Nonetheless, I briefly commented to him, in the middle of August when I saw him at the gym wearing a competing University’s colors, in reference to the upcoming football season. Because I was so smitten, I contacted GB from Gay Banker to get some advice on how I should proceed. Here is part of the email I wrote to GB:

Now to my question.  (and I apologize in advance if you may have covered this in years past)  First off I am nowhere near 15, but I feel like it as I learn the ropes in the gay scene.  I have read many of your posts on the gym scene, and more specifically the lockers and sauna, but my question is relative to the gym floor.  (Due to a lack of overall experience, I haven't mustered the courage or confidence yet to step into the locker room/sauna scene at my gym)  So there is this really cute guy, although he appears to be a number of years younger, that works out the same time I do.  One of these days, with an emphasis on one of these, I would like to ask him out.  On Monday, I said something to him because we were both wearing our competing University's colors.  He responded back but a conversation didn't develop.  (we both had our ear buds on and were in the middle of our exercises)  I don't know if he is gay, but I would sure like to find out.  I already understand that I need to maintain more eye contact, as it being a key sign, but is flirting normal and okay ON the gym floor?  Would it be completely awkward, then and certainly afterward being that we both train at the same time, if I came right out and asked him out?  Is it more appropriate to try and continue to make light conversation and see what happens?

Well the not so funny thing was that I had not seen Cutie at the gym since I emailed GB a few weeks ago. Because of this I have not been able to use the advice that GB so quickly provided.

So on Thursday night, and after packing the car for my trip back to Phoenix, I joined up with my friend Ethan at a local bar around 11:15. Ethan was out with Kevin who he had just met earlier in the week and they were celebrating Kevin’s birthday with his friends. And what are the odds? Apparently Kevin is friends with the guy I have a crush on at the gym.

Cutie showed up at the bar. :-) I felt like a 10 year old school girl when I saw Cutie embrace Kevin. I went up to Ethan and told him the story and began to devise a plan to learn more. When Ethan’s date rejoined us I began to question him about Cutie. After that I made my move.

Cutie was near the bar and I went straight towards him. I mentioned that we’ve seen each other at the gym, spoke two lines together, and I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself. He did recognize me and remembered that we spoke. :) We spoke for a little bit near the bar and made a nice wager on the upcoming football game between our two schools. Nothing materialized on Thursday and the odds of anything really happening are very slim, but at least it’s another start. I know his name, we have a nice bet which should provide the means for further conversation, and I certainly look forward to seeing him at the gym when I return.

And Ethan, you know what would make a great birthday gift. Please HELP me get a date with Z. :-) I didn’t get to sleep on Friday morning until 2:30 because I was thinking about what had just transpired having just met my gym crush. (and the meaning of him showing up on that night in particular, hmm) To harden my resolve and strengthen my conviction, on the drive back to Phoenix I got hard twice just thinking about Z. lol

I am going to ask him out when I return to WeHo! So if anyone has any suggestions or ideas on how or where to ask him, this 15 year old would certainly appreciate learning from your experience? Thanks!

and Z, this one’s for you so get ready.

Kevin Lyttle-"Turn Me On"

A Welcome Relief

A few days before the race

Arriving at the race

The beginning of the race

During the race

the END of the race

and of course after the race!

and tv/movie star how do you feel about this post?

Thanks, I thought you'd like it!



And if I have done something wrong by illegally posting material or photos on my little blog that I had no right to post, and you are the rightful owner of these photos and would like me to remove them, I will gladly do so with a proper email of such. Thanks.

Ahh the Gym

I don't have any cool gym sauna stories to tell (I'm not that confident yet), but I can report that I approached my first guy at the gym yesterday. lol (I'm sorry, but these last few days everything seems so funny, in a funny good kind of way) I have spoke with guys at the gym before, but they were all necessity comments like, "can you spot me." And I actually spoke with a woman the other day, but let's not go back, I'm stepping forward.

Anyway, so me and this other guy made eye contact quite a few times yesterday. As I am finding, looking at other guys and making the occasional eye contact happens all the time at the gym so I shouldn't have been so surprised. But in this case it seemed different. It was almost like one of us was waiting for the other to make a move. It was a bit surreal. :-D So he's working out his arms on a high cable machine about 8 feet behind me and I'm working out my chest doing incline dumbbell presses on a bench in front of him facing a mirror. I'm on my last set of 10 reps at 60 lbs. The last few reps were challenging. But what was interesting was that when I finished and sat up, I noticed through looking at the mirror, it appeared that he was approaching me as if to help and ensure I completed all of my reps. When I was done he turned around to go back to his machine. So he wasn't going to get dumbbells. He was a good looking dude, was shorter than I, was better built, and looked like he had no fat on him. HMM....so I thought. What was behind the meaning of his gym generosity and aborted approach? I then stayed at the same bench in front of the mirror to do dumbbell flys and he moved to the right of me to do dumbbell curls. Once again I began to laugh as I was doing my flys as I was thinking that I need to say something to him.

And I did. When I was done with my flys, dumbbell chest flys that is and not the one I see when I look towards the floor, I went up to him and asked him how strict he was with his diet because he was muscular and lean, but not really as thick as body builder muscular. (if that even makes sense) He had a great body! He was really at the limit of my attraction to muscle. He smiles and answers, and I'm paraphrasing his quote, "pretty strict where I watch what I eat but I'm not really anal about it." We both smiled and conversed for another 20 seconds or so and then we each went back to our workouts. We made eye contact off and on for the remainder of each of our workouts and that was that. It will be interesting to see what happens if we see each other again at the gym.

Good times, lots of laughs, and a workout to boot!

And on the walk home the following song came on the pod. Which of course made me think about the encore of my public hetero life while wondering what the hell was I waiting for on my homo life?

Linkin Park/Jay Z- "Numb/Encore"

On Second Thought

Plans are meant to be changed. This blogging thing is quite powerful when you can look back and see what kind of idiot you’ve become. Through my own words, those of others on a number of other blogs, as well as my short time here in West Hollywood I’ve realized my truth. I’ve realized that I am 100% attracted to guys. Period! And although I haven’t fully experienced the full passion and love in the expression of what that attraction means, I fully know what I want and who I am.

I am Gay and I am Proud of who I am! My sister will learn that on Friday!

Cyndi Lauper-"True Colors"

SatSun

So on Saturday I had a complimentary session, which felt more like a sales call, with a trainer at the new gym I joined. He put me through a few different unique movements which I certainly haven’t been used to. I also thought I cheated on one of the exercises and tweaked my lower back a bit, but he said my form was fine. Anyway, what was interesting was that he was wearing a Star of David around his neck. The thing was, he didn’t look like a member of the tribe at all. (and neither do I but that’s a post for another day) So after I tell him that I was not interested in signing up for training sessions, I ask him about his charm. As it turns out he is a fellow member and he even managed a gym in the same town I grew up in on the east coast. He lived in the next town over. I told him I was new to LA and we spoke for another few minutes about the tribe out here and where to meet other wanderers. The only thing I don’t know is whether he is gay. I don’t think he is nor do I think he thought I was based on some event info he provided me, but nonetheless it turned out to be an interesting connection.

The rest of the weekend I spent watching some more screenings at OUTFEST. On Saturday night I saw ANOTHER GAY SEQUEL: GAYS GONE WILD. Only 1 of the 4 main actors returned from the previous film. I thought it was very clever how they dealt with that in the beginning of the show. I’m not going to go into details about the movie and ruin it for any of my readers. For me, a film is either entertaining or not, and I thought this movie was entertaining. There were clever parts, fun parts, lol parts, and a whole bunch of other parts. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to have a fun, non-serious time for 2 hours. I also thought the new Griff was super cute. Oh, and I almost forgot to write that I sat with my friends right behind the actors from the movie. That was kind of a neat experience in watching how they interacted together. The film was shot in only 17 days and I don’t think all of the actors really knew one another. Beyond that, I don't fawn nor really care that someone is in film, as actors are just regular people too!

On Sunday afternoon I went to go see the film ANTARCTICA. This was the film that I was most excited about seeing when I read the directory 5 days ago. Thankfully, the film didn’t let me down and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND it! Antarctica is an Israeli film with HOT actors and a great story. The description from the OUTFEST website is:

The hip and beautiful boys and girls in this super sexy Israeli romantic comedy set in Tel Aviv are searching for something. For some it's just sex - and lots of it. Most nights bespectacled cutie Omer works at the local library and reads books about U.F.O.s before bed. Then Omer meets Ronen, a devastatingly handsome journalist. Might Ronen have the ability to melt Omer's frozen heart and give him what he didn't know he was looking for?

I guess the film, and specifically the character of Omer, in some way resonated with me. Plus I realized that I need to get my ass to Tel Aviv. There I can find more of this:
Yiftach Mizrahi

Guy Zo-Aretz and Tomer Ilan

Tomer Ilan (my fave)


On Sunday night I went to the Ford Amphitheatre for the OUTFEST Awards presentation and the film WERE THE WORLD MINE. Before the awards and show started, I was invited to join some new friends at their picnic before the presentation. So I am on my way and I experienced my first run in with LA traffic. The Ford is only about 4-5 miles from where I live but the cars, they are everywhere. Suffice it to say I missed an exit, had to get on the freeway to turn around, and I ultimately arrived about 45 minutes late. Can you say STRESSSSSS! So I go to park and they make you park stacked. Which means everyone must leave at the same time because all cars are boxed in. (that would never fly in Arizona) That in itself was quite the LA experience but you know what, it worked and I only had to wait about 15 minutes. I finally get to the picnic and the neat thing was that you can bring your food and drink (including alcohol) with you into the venue. Being a strong proponent of tailgating at college football games, I thought this was really cool. (now if only my university would allow me to take in booze as I watch some football) Ah the film. I enjoyed Were the World Mine.


I thought it was an entertaining film with a nice story line. I also thought the actors did a great job in their roles. Not to mention they were all cute. (but young)

So there you have it, two weeks in the books. I’m glad I found out about OUTFEST because I really believe it was a positive experience for me to attend these screenings. Not only for the films, which were all entertaining, but for the experience of viewing, supporting, participating, and communicating with others at a GLBT event.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and have an opportunity in the not to distant future to check out these films.

And as I finish this post, once again my G-d playing deejay with the following on the radio: (I'm trying guys)
Supertramp:"Give A Little Bit"