Friday, July 30, 2010

Angst

So here we go
And again I say
Another boy
And my hearts at play

This should be fun
For I like him so
He makes me smile
And to that he knows

I think it’s mutual
So I’m led to believe
But the skill set I doubt
Is in reading tea leaves

That is my one regret
In coming out in life so late
Having had none of the experiences
In dating other male mates

I feel like this is a broken record
And on many days it gets me down
Wondering when the day will come
Of a blessing from my king without a crown

Is that too much to ask of my faith
For the happiness that I so seek
I just wish my mind wasn’t my worst enemy
In making situations appear so bleak

Deep down I know they really are not
As I seem to just be overanalyzing again
But for me I continue to find it hard to know
When to make the right moves with men

Should, woulda, coulda, didn’t
For every word that I didn’t say
As I lie in bed I toss and turn
Wondering if I let him slip away

Maybe I paint a picture
Of which he views as incomplete
Leads him to question
Does he really want to go to sleep

But I really really do
Want to kiss him tonight
To feel his soft skin
And wake up with him when it’s light

I’m a bit nervous and scared
Confused and maybe a tad weak
Wondering what to make of us
For when we next speak

As I am now a bit more emotionally vulnerable
With a feeling of nakedness at the core
What’s left is for my mind to wonder
As to what exactly is in store.......

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

crushED

Twas the night after Christmas
And all through WeHoland
Fiestas were raging
Would a new connection be at hand

Who was that confident guy
That began hitting on me
Having talked me into buying him pizza
Although at the time I wished he'd let me be

"He's not really your type,"
As my friend said that night
He scared my bejesus
And caused me some fright

He was someone different
And for me very new
A bit more aggressive, crude, and totally hot
Did I even have a clue

So I started the timer
Thirty-two mornings ago
As I began to wonder
What I didn't know

I texted him back
At only fifteen hours five minutes in
Said, "hey half-slice the timer is stopped"
So let's let the dating begin

I don't find dating real easy
and the science seems so unjust
I found it to be real silly
that he was smitten with woman's busts

Thirty days did come
And thirty nights then went
He taught me a bunch
As we both seemed so spent

Having gazed into his deep brown eyes
And caressed his bright smooth skin
The greatest challenge seemed to be
In reaching him deep within

I began to believe
That he was holding back some truth
It certainly didn't help my cause
That my dating style was so uncouth

At a minimum he was disingenuous
At most I believe he may have lied
When you date a guy who you really like
The incongruence of your words and deeds shouldn't leave them wondering why

I should have trusted my gut early on
And had listened to my friends
For if I had done all that
I wouldn't need my broken heart to mend

He said he wouldn't hurt me
But that's exactly what he's done
All I asked for was some sincerity
In how he communicated and had his fun

I got blinded by the beauty
Of his gorgeous outer shell
Raising doubts about myself
I've unfortunatey known all too well

I look back at all it now
At what I could've done
To have increased our chances of being together
And to have had a bit more fun

It clearly was not meant to be
As the chemistry was just not there
For this I question his openess
Having clung to his dating history which for me was such a scare

I'm clearly a bit worried for him
Because I felt he was unwilling to grow
He said he'd gone on over one thousand dates
One would have thought he would eventually know

Just in case I'm not really clear
Half, I really do care and hope for you
That eventually you will conquer your fears
And succeed in relationships anew

My disappointment is certainly real
For that I am not gonna lie
He said, "you're gonna be a good boyfriend"
With it being over I've been temped to cry

I grew to like him very much
and thought of our future in store
Hoping for our own personal growth
To which he responded that he wouldn't change any more

But please don't get me wrong
As I am also very much to blame
I could have done things differently
And put more skin in the game

The reason why I am somewhat angry
Is not solely on the loss of losing him
It's once again the realization had a few things been done differently
Of the life that could have been

Well there you have my first, real guy crush
What I learned and how it affected me
So I guess it's now time to dust myself off
And find another one of those proverbial, fish in the sea


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

3 Strikes You're Out!

You may recall that I used that line the first week we met when we were texting back and forth to each other. Well, congratulations Luke, you just struck out.

For the life of me I’ve wondered why you’ve turned into someone who as it turns out is the complete opposite of who you were those first five days, and more importantly someone who you communicated yourself not to be. Or maybe you were always that person and just pretended to be someone who you were not. Either way, I’m done. I’m done trying to make an effort to be your friend when you’ve been such an inconsiderate, discourteous, selfish, and dishonest ass to me. Your actions speak louder than your shallow texted words.

Strike 1: After a week of some very flirtatious dialogue and two dates you disappear and don’t even have the courtesy to be open, honest, and up front with me about what went on. (especially after I was completely open and honest with you) YOU LIED!

Strike 2: After running into you and engaging in a very pleasant conversation at Fiesta, I invite you to my game night with friends, you rsvp with a “thank u for the game night invite, I’d love to attend,” and then you don’t even show up. (and if you couldn’t make it, which you didn’t, you didn’t even have the courtesy to let me know beforehand) YOU LIED!

Strike 3: You convey to me twice that you wanted to get together. The first time, the open night that you communicated to me that you had suddenly was not open when I communicated back that it worked for me. Then on Sunday night I don’t hear anything when you arrived back in LA. This is once again after YOU communicated “sounds perfect,” and “looking forward to Sunday,” and “will do.” YOU LIED!


As you know Luke, I used to like the person who I thought you were, but now I find it all terribly ironic, and extremely funny. After all, it was you on your online profile, and then through spoken word to me in person, who described your very own tales of meeting cavemen. (forgive me for LMAO) I think someone needs to take a good look in the mirror and look around his place to see if he’s the one who actually lives in a cave.

Well best of luck to you Luke. I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for in life, and that your wish from 07/08/09 comes true.


The above I hope brings to a close my first "gay dramatic" piece of work since my arrival in Los Angeles. I emailed the above to Luke an hour ago and then defriended him from facebook. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to have the last word, but in this case I hope he takes something positive from this experience and grows the f up.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sleeping Alone

As I lay awake
on this lonely night
The thoughts that race
in this never ending fight

Have I gone mad,
have I lost my mind
The sadness runs deep,
it is so unkind

The quest for love
is such an arduous task
It is easily apparent
why one may reach for the flask

The world could be cruel,
could be mean, could be unfair
What I can’t seem to comprehend
Is why there is such a chill in the air

The lies, the selfishness,
the lack of depth to so many
Why do I allow myself to go after
the inconsiderate, self-centered, and meaningless boys of plenty

As the frustration and angst
continues to snowball and grow
My failure to date belongs to me,
that I accept and that I know

And so I write
cause I can’t seem to sleep
Left to wonder
if, when, and whom I will meet

Will today be the day,
as the sun begins to rise
Or will the sun set on Sunset,
with me wondering the same thoughts as I try to close my eyes

Monday, July 20, 2009

Beginning and "Happy" Ending.....soo soo sad

MONDAY

Luke: Hey you!

Adam: Doesn’t the song go Hey Ya?

Luke: Haha yes there is a song called “hey ya” (emoji smiley)

Adam: Yeah, and it’s a pretty darn good song. So what did you wind up doing tonight?

Luke: Oh u know...watching family guy...lounging in bed....haha super exciting night (emoji tongue out face) how’s the moving going?

Adam: It’s going. But it’s going a bit more slowly now because I’m chattin with this guy I just met (emoji wink face). And silly me for asking that question, I knew that. LOL

Luke: Hahaha well don’t let little ol me slow u down! (emoji wink face)

Adam: You’re not slowing me down. At&t was. I’ll just stay up later. For I did just drink a liter of tejava black tea.

Luke: Hahaha so you’ll be a lil wired huh? ;-) so where’s your new place at?

Adam: Something in this place has 2 b wired cause it sure ain’t the internet. Street and Street.

Luke: Haha. Oh Street and Street is not far from me

Adam: Cool! It’s a great location. In between Runyon and the gayborhood.

Luke: Exactly! I love Runyon btw

Adam: You’re becoming even more intriguing. ;) haha. Do u run?

Luke: Haha I used to run cross country but haven’t been running in a while. But I love to hike Runyon.

Adam: Strike 1. LOL

Adam: Forgot j/k

Luke: Haha strike 1?!

Adam: For not running

Luke: Oh yes def! Haha I like you...gotta keep my ass going and in shape!

Adam: That makes 2 or us.

Luke: Haha well u look like you’re in great shape

Adam: Oh, I meant who likes me. LOL

Adam: J/k. I’ve been traveling the past four weeks and I haven’t been 2 the gym since may. I’ve put on about 5 pounds.

Luke: Oh hahaha! Oh please...5 pounds is nothing

Adam: 5 pounds is a lot when u spend July 4th in Laguna. LOL

Luke: LOL! True

Luke: Well stud I’m gonna get to sleep. Look forward to talking tomorrow (emoji wink face) hope your unpacking goes well

Adam: Likewise Smiley. Thanks, and sweet dreams!

Luke: Night you

Adam: Night ya! LOL

Luke: LOL (emoji tongue out face)

TUESDAY


Luke: Morning ya

Adam: Good morning you!

Luke: How’d the unpacking go?

Adam: Progress was made but still a lot to go. Just got done from running 5 so going 2 jump in the shower.

Luke: Nice. Have fun in the shower ;-)

Adam: Aw, you’re sweet. If I only saw your text before. Haha

Luke: Haha well at least u got it

Adam: That I did

Luke: ;-)

Adam: So how was your day?

Luke: Hey you I was just getting ready to ask u the same thing ;-) It was great...went by quickly again. How was yours?

Adam: More unpacking, organizing, laundry, dishwashing, running to target and bbb, constructing, and lunch at daphnes. Yum! And still there’s more to do. Moving’s a bitch.

Luke: Hahahah I hear ya! But it’ll be so nice when it’s finally all done

Adam: You’re right, and I like my place :)

Adam: So what type of exciting evening do you have planned for yourself tonight?

Luke: See that’s the important thing...as cheesy as it sounds your home really should be your sanctuary and happy place (emoji wink face) I’m cooking dinner with a good friend of mine then nothin else planned

Adam: Yeah that’s cheesy. You making mac’n’cheese?

Luke: Anything exciting planned for u tonight?

Luke: Lol! Possibly...I’m not very creative or resourceful when it comes to cooking

Adam: Stir fry is always good. No, just more of the same. I plan on completing everything tonight. Fingers crossed!

Luke: I hope so! Don’t want it interfering with our dinner plans

Adam: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m looking forward to it, and anxious to see if your smile is as bright and engaging in person. ;)

Adam: The reservation is made

WEDNESDAY


Luke: Awwww I just got ur messages. I like to think my smile is way better in person ;-) oooo where we going?

Adam: I thought you like adventure? Are you allergic to anything like seafood or dairy, etc...? The reservation is at 8:15 and it’s at a fairly new place that has got excellent reviews from a number of sources.

Luke: Haha u pass the test! Congrats. No allergies to worry about. Am I meeting u somewhere?

Adam: Nah. I’ll pick lil ‘ol ya up around 7:35ish

Luke: Well how gentleman-like of you...that’s a nice surprise for once...

Adam: Really!?! You have been meeting cavemen. I’ll pick u up, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave you there. LOL

Adam: J/k of course

Luke: Lol! I have been indeed! You betta not leave me...i’ll kick ur ass (emoji tongue out face)

Adam: I may just like that....:P problem though is you won’t be able to catch me cause you don’t run

Luke: Hahaha! I love it

Luke: Look at u already capitalizing on my handicaps

Adam: I try. Handicap”s”? Anymore you want to tell me about? Haha

Luke: Oh u didn’t know? I’m a quadriplegic...is that going to be an issue?

Adam: Not at all. We’ll just have to meet at at the restaurant cause you won’t fit in my car. LOL like all the other cavemen.

Luke: LOL! Awww how quickly the sweetness goes right out the window. Yay I’m excited I must admit

Adam: I’m looking forward to meeting you as well. It is 07/08/09 after all.

Luke: Haha I was just getting ready to ask u what 07/08/09 was but then I got it gaga

Luke: Haha not gaga stupid phone

Adam: Yeah blame it on the phone lady gaga

Luke: Hahaha it thinks it’s smarter than I am

Adam: Cause you’re always showing it your poker face

Luke: Oh...ya good point

Adam: Got some stuff to do so gotta run. Let me know your address and have a great day! :)

Adam: Or where u want me to pick u up

Luke: Address. Have a great day!

Adam: So what will u b doing today at 12:34:56 on 7/8/9?

Luke: Hahaha I will def be working....but I guess I’ll make a wish huh?

Adam: Make it a good one

Luke: Oh I will

Adam: driving color manufacturer style

Luke: Are u here already?!

Adam: No. Leaving now.

Luke: Whew ok perfect

Adam: Here

Luke: Be right out

Luke: Thank u again for an amazing evening. I think u are a wonderful unique quality guy and I would love to get to know u better

Luke: Oh and I wanna know your full name...just bc I wanna ;-)

Adam: You’re certainly welcome and I enjoyed our time together just the same. We certainly come from different backgrounds, but that very well may be a good thing. I look forward to seeing you again in the next day or so. Would you like to plan our next adventure?

Adam: My last name is Name. Let me know if your P.I. has any issues investigating me. LOL

Luke: Lol! I would love to plan our next adventure. I will get back to you on the PI results (emoji wink face)

Adam: Yeah. Please let me know on that. I’m intrigued to know what they find out. Haha. And let me know when you’d like to plan #2 for.

Luke: Well I’m def thinking this weekend should be in order for #2

Adam: Sounds good and have a good night!

THURSDAY


Luke: Good morning mr wholesome ;-)

Adam: Good morning back at u mr wine-o

Luke: LOL

Luke: I hope u have a great day

Adam: And u as well! :-)

Luke: I look forward to seeing u again soon

Adam: Likewise, well not seeing me cause I c me right now, but seeing u

Luke: Lol ya u see enough of u

Adam: U saying I should share?

Luke: Well I mean...selfishness is never really good...

Adam: It looks like I’ll need to work on that. Haha

Luke: ;-)

Luke: Whats ur facebook?

Adam: Search via email address

Adam: FYI, I made plans with a friend of mine for tmrw night that was confirmed today so Friday is out for #2.

Adam: Forgot 2 say the plans were made last week. I am looking forward 2 date #2.

Luke: Well we’ll just have to do something for this weekend then...I’m glad you’re looking forward to it cuz so am I ;-)

Adam: Great, more time 4 u 2 plan. Haha C u soon! :-)

Luke: Haha yep! Hope your day is going well

Adam: It is, thanks and likewise. Finally going through all of my paperwork, which was a lot and then off 2 Runyon in an hour or so.

Luke: Awww I’m jealous ur doing Runyon...I need to get up there tonight

Adam: U want me to wait?

Luke: If you would like to! I’d love to go up there with you

Adam: Sure I’ll wait. Let me know what time I should meet u at fuller and sunset

Luke: I could be up there by 7:15 ;-)

Adam: c u then

Luke: Perfect

Adam: And just so u know, this isn’t #2, so you’re not off the hook 4 planning the next adventure.

Luke: Hahaha of course not! I’ll plan something way better ;-)

Luke: We still on for 7:15

Adam: Yep. Leaving apt now 4 fuller/sunset. May b a few minutes late.

Luke: No worries...I’m walking over there right now

(With the expectation that our second “official” date was to be during the weekend, on our walk back from the hike Luke innocently said that he spoke with his mom and that he would be going home for the weekend. I was a bit perplexed and shocked to find this out because up until that point I thought, and was excited, that we were planning to go on our next “official” date. So I clearly exhibited a surprised and disappointed look on my face after he told me this sudden change to not only his, but our weekend. At the time, as we were talking about it, he inferred that it was simply a test for him to see what my reaction would be in a demonstration of my interest in him. As I admitted to Luke at the time, a very shrewd move on his part.)


Adam: I still can’t believe u did that.

Luke: Hahaha I must admit it played out a little better than I expected it to

Luke: Thank u again for waiting and hiking with me

Adam: It was a very shrewd move and suffice it to say I was both dumbfounded and then impressed. I can’t believe I was played like that. Hmmmm

Adam: And no problem. I enjoyed it

Luke: I hope I didn’t hurt u (emoji teeth grin face)

Adam: Hurt me, nah. But you might worry. LOL

Luke: Uh oh....y?

Adam: I’ll leave u uh ohing for a while. Haha

Luke: ur a cruel one Adam Last Name

Adam: Why am I cruel? U r cruel. And our whole chat somehow got deleted from my phone. :(

Luke: Haha I’m messing with ya. Awww that’s sad!

Adam: Huh, it just reappeared. :)

Luke: Oh how nice of it

Adam: Maybe it was trying to fool me as well to see what my reaction would be.

Luke: Hahaha ya maybe my phone did it and was trying to take after me

Adam: Not after you called it stupid the other day.

Luke: Oh I call it that cuz it gets off on stuff like that

Adam: Oh really?

Luke: Yup...it’s pretty kinky

Adam: Does the phone take after you or do u take after your phone? Because I hear phones and their owners are like dogs and their owners. (while hiking we had a conversation about dog breeds having the personality of their owners)

Luke: Hmmmmm...you’ll have to see for yourself ;-)

Adam: My mom called. I’ll have to first see if it’s ok with her.

Luke: Haha this sounds so familiar from some odd reason

Luke: Good night u

Adam: Sweet and kinky dreams ya!

Luke: Lol! (emoji tongue out face)

FRIDAY

Adam: Morning ya! Any sweet or kinky ones last night?

Luke: Haha morning! None that I can recall unfortunately...how’d you sleep?

Adam: Like a baby until the street work on Street started. Have a great day!

Luke: Haha hate that!!! Thanks you too (emoji wink face)

Adam: Thx!

Adam: And how was your day? Oh wait...”it went by quickly!” LOL

Luke: Haha unfortunately today didn’t go by quickly and my boss was pretty nasty to everyone...but it’s now over! Yay (emoji wink face) how was yours? Get a tv?

Adam: Sorry 2 hear that. Mine was good and my apartment is finally in order and everything in its place. No tv today, but auto insurance.

Adam: Btw when r u planning our #2 for ? Tmrw?

Luke: Good....it’s nice to have everything in order! Haha congrats on auto insurance (tongue face) as for #2...can we shoot for Sunday? I’m trying to plan something fun.

Adam: Yes it is. And congrats r premature on the insurance. I haven’t changed anything yet. Yeah, Sunday will work fine.

Luke: Haha well then I retract my “congrats.” Perfect, I’m excited to see u again.

Adam: Retraction accepted. I look forward to seeing u as well and what u have up your sleeve for date #2.

Luke: Hahaha dun dun dun

Adam: Not fair. :( I didn’t do that 2 u and we’re way too far away from Sunday.

Luke: What’s not fair? That I am trying to surprise you? That’s right...ur probably a little nervous about surprises now huh? Haha

Adam: No. It’s that you were teasing me about it. Should I b nervous about it? FYI, I’m not jumping out of an airplane.

Luke: Awww I wasn’t trying to tease you I’m sorry. I think I take my joking too far sometimes. And no lol we’re not jumping out of an airplane

Adam: Gotcha! Mr. Humility.....haha

Luke: LOL (emoji tongue out face)

SATURDAY

Adam: Tick tock tick tock

Adam: R we still on 4 tmrw?

SUNDAY

Adam: Did something happen? Are u alright? Can u pls call me as I’m very concerned!



So after all of that, it appears the surprise that Luke was planning for our date was to go AWOL. In the week that we had been communicating, the above was our text chat but we met and communicated for a bit on an internet site as well, I had gotten to really like him. I had also received the impression that he liked me. After finally meeting and seeing him twice.....I thought something was possible between the two of us.

When Sunday night rolled around I became very concerned for his welfare. We became facebook friends late in the week so I messaged one of his closer friends, whom he told me about, to see if she had heard from him. She had not. (FWIW, I would have become very concerned for any of my friends whom we had plans together and I had not heard from them in two days)

I didn’t hear from him on Sunday, so on Monday I called him at work. We only spoke for a minute or so as I didn’t want to bother him. I really only wanted to make sure he was alive and to better understand why he went AWOL. He told me what happened and said he would call back later in the day.

A little bit after our phone conversation I emailed Luke the following:
I hope you don't think I'm crazy or am a stalker, but I was genuinely concerned about you since I had not heard from you since Friday. I hope your ______and _______ are doing better.


In the evening Luke emailed me back:

No way! I thank you actually for calling and checking in...it's surprising to have someone care so much like that...but very nice! I'm so sorry about this weekend. My ______ got hurt at a ______and I had to go home and my phone has been having problems (I dropped it again)

I hope that you are not too upset with me...if so I understand. But I would really like very much to plan a second date ;-)


Later on that night I emailed him back:

You're welcome, and I hope your ________ is ok and getting better.

I don't know if your phone is working but I just tried calling as I thought I would have heard from you. I'd rather talk than write so I hope I'll hear from you.


Since I never heard from him, the next day I emailed him:

I sense that these last few days for you have been a trying time. Part of me wants to be there for you to help you through it. I feel kind of odd writing that because we did just meet, but I want to be able to hold you, kiss you, and basically just make sure you're okay. You know I basically didn't get much sleep the last two nights and it's driving me crazy. Honestly, I don't know exactly why either.

But

I also have another sense that is beginning to wonder if this all makes sense. I mean we did just meet. You seem like a great guy, and I truly am sorry that you had a family _________ this past weekend. But with that being said, it appears you made no effort to let me know that something had come up and you had to postpone. Then yesterday, you said you would call back, and then I never heard from you. (yeah I know you sent a facebook message) I'm not angry or upset with you about these things, but I am disappointed. I believe I deserved better. So selfishly, I'm wondering if I should allow myself to get disappointed like this by a guy I just met.

I do like you Luke, and maybe it's surprising to me that I may like you more than I'm comfortable with at this point. I would like to see you soon and talk this through, but I need you to step forward, or I'm going to force myself to step away. Are you the Luke whom I met and liked and had so much fun with the first few days, or are you the Luke that has been driving me crazy and disappointed me these last few days?

Would you like to meet up tonight?

Two days passed and I had not heard from Luke. Contrary to the advice of my two closest friends in L.A. (after describing the situation and reading to them the above email that I had sent) I decided to call Luke at work again. The reason for the call was twofold. First, I wanted to soften the tone of the last email and ensure that he didn’t read it as a rigid, “take me or leave me” ultimatum. (Apparently expressing your emotions and feelings, let alone proactively communicating, is not a common concept here in WeHo.) Second, I wanted, in my mind, to be able to separate from him and continue to date and flirt with other guys. So the call was very beneficial to me. I told him that I like him and would love to see him again. I also said that he should take his time and that I am here for him if he needs someone to talk to. He told me that he had not been on facebook during the week and had not read the prior email. He also told me that he had to move apartments earlier in the week. So little by little more info is creeping out but I still find it all very odd.

Nonetheless, I’ve communicated what I’ve wanted to communicate to him and the chips will fall where they may. I really like Luke and I hope I’ll hear from him again, but the next move has to be his. Well except for his pretty little facebook pictures that I could and did use to.........well you know! :(

Less Than Jake-"The Science of Selling Yourself Short"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What Gives?

A few weeks ago I met this guy, whom I’ll call Jack, out at a club. We went home together that night, and although it was a very vanilla affair, I believe we both enjoyed each other’s company. I didn’t ask for his number when we were together, but we did become facebook friends the following Monday and messaged back and forth a few times. As the week went on, my affection for him began to grow. Since he didn’t have his number listed in his facebook info, I messaged him on Friday and asked him three questions.

1. Are you in town this weekend?
2. May I call you? and if so
3. What is your number?


He messaged back:

1. That he was leaving for the weekend.
2. I could call him.
3. And he gave me his number


So on Tuesday, I called Jack, we chatted for a bit and I then asked him out on a date. I don’t remember his specific response, but his answer to my request was left open on the phone call but he said that he would get back to me the following day. So the following day I was at my cousin’s wedding in Disneyland when I received his text at 9:43PM.


“I didn’t forget about you. I just got home from a crazy day.”


I replied to him with a text at 10:57PM.

“I hope it was crazy good. Will b back in Weho tmrw afternoon. I’m no sleuth but I sense ur days are crazier than mine, so touch base when u can. Thx!


Well, I never heard back from Jack, so I called and left a voicemail message for him on Sunday.

So let me tell you, it’s a great feeling to not only be forgotten, to use Jack’s word, but to also be ignored. This experience takes me back to the only other guy that I asked out on a date. (the rest of my dates, the other guys asked me) In both cases, neither of the guys provided me with a yes or no answer.

What’s with that?

In addition, and in an evaluation of my own self, I asked both of the guys out immediately before I would be leaving town for extended periods of time.

What does this say about me? Is it just a coincidence of time, or is there something with me asking guys out before I leave town? (Jack didn’t know I would be leaving town, but Gene did.)

I do believe Jack is a good guy and I know he works a lot, but I just don’t know what happened and it’s bothering the hell out of me. We have a few things in common, and I would like to get to know him better. I will follow up with him again in a few weeks, but I’m beginning to get frustrated that, in my limited experience, a pattern is developing where guys don’t have the balls to lay it on the line and say yes or no.

Oh, and the funny part of the story is that on Sunday, I learned from a friend that Jack lives two houses down from him. Maybe I’ll go knock on his door and ask for some sugar. lol

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Time Flies

Has it really been 11 months since I opened up my apartment door in West Hollywood to the honesty of an authentic life, and the possibilities of finding out what true happiness may be?

Yes it has!


On June 1st, I moved out of my apartment in West Hollywood. On June 2nd, I celebrated, or more like recognized the fact that I have not worked, for active monetary compensation, in one year. Wow, it’s been 365 days.

The last few weeks have really been great. Socially speaking, I’m really finding a center and becoming much more comfortable with meeting people in the challenging L.A. market. The friendships that I’ve made continue to grow and I believe that I’m a bit more self aware and confident in flirting with other guys. What I believe has transpired is that I’ve grown. Over the past year, with the amount of time and dollars that I’ve spent towards my own self renewal, I’ve begun to recognize that life waits for no one. Time moves forward, never back, so too must I. The time has come for me to finally begin the process of moving on. The challenge that I now face is to use this new self assuredness to find a new equality in my life, which balances my desire for social, professional, and philanthropic success.

The first thing I need to figure out is where I’m going to live. As I write this, I still don’t know, and am currently homeless in the state of California, as most of my belongings are being stored with my movers. A decision won’t be made until I return from my upcoming trip. More than likely I will continue to call L.A. home but there is a small, yet unlikely chance that I will return to Phoenix. I was in Phoenix last week and I’ve begun to see Phoenix, and it’s gay community first hand. I’ve met some, and have begun to communicate with a number of cute Phoenix guys. But most importantly, what I tried to do while back in Phoenix was to be who I am, in the place that I called home for so many years. Returning to Phoenix caused me to pause briefly about where I should be and what would be best for my social, professional, and philanthropic future.

Friday, May 22, 2009

L.A....."anywhere but here"

A friend posted this on facebook and I had to share. Too funny, too real.........and so far, I still love L.A.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Land of Milk and Honey

On July 21, 2008 in my SatSun post I wrote this, “Plus I realized that I need to get my ass to Tel Aviv.”

Today, my countdown has begun and I couldn’t be more excited!

As to why, please watch this.



That's right. On June 12, 2009 I will be in Tel Aviv and it just so happens a little event called Pride will be taking place. That’s not the reason I’m going to Israel, but I would be lying to myself if it wasn’t why I decided to go when I’m going in June.

As a Jew, I’m proud to finally have the opportunity to visit Israel, and as a Gay, I’m proud that my first Pride experience will be in Tel Aviv!

Am Yisrael Chai!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

It's Crunch Time

I’ve wrote before, or at least I think I’ve wrote before about how I’ve had the opportunity to see many of the same guys working out on a weekly basis at the gym. With that being said, there’s this one hottie who I have seen many times that has piqued my interest. He’s got dark black hair, light skin, and a nice looking, athletic body. I presume he is either Italian, a Latino, or of some combination. :-) I’ve found him to be a bit mysterious, is he straight or is he gay? I can’t tell because beyond the stereotypical looking gays, I have no gaydar. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen hottie out at the clubs, and like when I first arrived in WeHo, this guy carries a bag with him on the gym floor. (rather than storing it in the locker room)

So I arrived at the gym today and I first noticed hottie downstairs on the treadmills. I was hopeful that for the first time our workouts, from a time perspective, would mirror each others. Not knowing whether hottie was completing his workout on the treadmills or just beginning his workout, I departed for the gym floor upstairs. Within a few minutes I was excited to see that hottie had just arrived upstairs.



I began to sense that hottie and I just might complete our workouts at the same time today, and we would finally have that opportunity to meet outside.

Outside? To be honest, I go to the gym to workout, to observe the “occasional” eye candy on the gym floor, and to get out of there. I don't go to the gym to meet people because I find it a bit of a cliche and a very awkward place to do that, and I certainly don't linger or cruise around in the locker room. Call me a prude, although I like to think of myself as a traditionalist, but the locker room, shower, and steam room scene is not for me. In writing that I’m being a bit presumptive, because to be quite honest, I don’t know if there even is that type of scene at my gym.

Anyways, throughout my workout I had the opportunity to keep an eye on hottie. He minded his own business, I minded mine, and we never stared or maintained eye contact with each other. When I finished my workout upstairs I didn’t see hottie as I quickly glanced around the space. I went downstairs for my 3 minute cool-down on the treadmill and did not see hottie downstairs either. So I retrieved my things from the locker room and left.



I made it off the outdoor mall’s premises and about twenty feet down the street when I thought to myself, I’ve got to take a chance. So I returned to the courtyard of the mall and climbed back up the stairs. As I turned for the gym, guess who was on his way towards me? (at that point I felt like a complete dork) He passed by as I began to wonder what my next move would be. He continued, stepped onto the down escalator, and began to return his earbuds to his bag. After a few seconds of thought I began to walk down the stairs, which were to the right of the down escalator. As hottie approached the midpoint of his journey down the escalator, I introduced myself and said hello.

My line went something like this, “Hey, I’ve seen you at the gym a number of times and I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.” (I know, real difficult!)


We only spoke for a minute or so, and at best I now know his name. I am still clueless as to which way he swings. At the same time I wonder if he is as clueless about me. Although, I believe it to be a bit obvious at this point. What straight guy approaches another guy at the gym? Especially in the obvious way in which our encounter occurred. When he left the gym I wasn’t on his floor. I arrive back on his floor from below, he passes, I follow him back down, and then I said hello.

I smiled and laughed during my walk home. I found this experience to be quite amusing. I’m still laughing as I write this. Too funny!

Since I’ve made my move, I believe the ball, no pun intended, is now in Joseph’s court. At worst, he’s another guy I could say hello to when I work out. At best, something more could come, again no incorrectly spelled pun intended, of it.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Downs and Ups

I know it’s been some time, so to continue, the day I returned to WeHo I was poisoned during lunch. That funny guy, with the big white head, pointy hat, funny facial expressions, who pops out of a children’s toy poisoned me. Bastard I tell you!

I used to love Mr. Box and his food, but not so much anymore.

Ethan planned an outing with some friends of ours that Wednesday night. The plan was to start at Hamburger Mary's for some bingo and then proceed to........... Unfortunately, within 30 minutes and before the second game of bingo even began, I sensed the inevitable. That the one activity in life that I HATED the most was quickly approaching. Having begun to sweat profusely, I abruptly said my goodbyes and was out the door on my way home.

I made it about fifty feet along Santa Monica Blvd. when I began to feel light headed. I knew I wouldn’t make it home, so I immediately went back to Mary’s and quickly darted to the bathroom. Upon arrival and having opened the door, I realized the bathroom was occupied with another guy. I waited patiently for him, in line with another girl, knowing that at any moment I was about to embarrass myself. I waited, and waited, and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. The bathroom door was unlocked and through the opening that I had left, when I had initially peeked in to see if it was occupied, I saw said guy turn away from the toilet. Since the guy was between me and the toilet, I rushed to the garbage can and out it came. In all its chunky glory my puke missed him by inches.

I immediately went home where I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my own golden throne depositing even more chunky goodness. For the next five days I hardly ate, had the runs, felt miserable, and besides a family gathering didn’t leave my apartment for any social activity.

Suffice it to say I was physically and emotionally bankrupt. Having spent the better part of the previous 8 weeks in Arizona, dealing with loss, change, and loneliness, I was excited, hopeful, and eager to return to WeHo. So to fall ill on the day I returned was like a figurative and literal punch in the gut. Once again, it brought me to evaluate and wonder what the reason and meaning of it all was.

Did I make a mistake in coming back to WeHo?

Have my decisions over the past 9 months been the correct ones?

Am I a better person today then I was yesterday?

Is there a fulfilling and prosperous career that awaits me here in Los Angeles?

Have I really begun to develop honest and true friendships here in L.A., having been accepted into those I consider friend's lives, or have I simply been fooling myself with relationships devoid of any deeper depth?

Am I happy with where I am sexually?

And what does my future look like?


Looking back over the last few weeks, I’m angry with myself. In not writing, I’ve hid behind the excuses of; self loathing, a lack of inspiration, and the personal belief that my story was told, which to some degree are all true, but in doing so I’ve neglected the personal benefits that writing has provided.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Finally

I arrived back in L.A. this afternoon. It feels like forever ago that I was here. Anyway, I'm so excited to be back and more importantly to be home!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

faceTHEbook II

Well, it was only a matter of time before I got with the program. I first wrote about joining facebook back in December and since that time I’ve been extremely measured in how I’ve used the site and with whom I’ve interacted. (the whom being all of those that know the real me) That’s changed a bit over the last few weeks as I’ve learned that most users define their facebook experience and their acceptance of “facebook friends” differently than I. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to use these sites, and although at times I may still mock or judge the whole social networking experience, I have received enough benefits in my experience with facebook over the last few weeks to have learned to become a little less rigid and a bit more open to the opportunity.

To start, this new attitude has allowed me to accept friend requests from fraternity brothers of mine, all of whom I was friendly with but none of whom I was particularly close with since college. Initially, I set up my profile to prohibit “add friend” requests because I didn’t want to deal with the whole “I’m Gay” component of my life. I’ve since realized I can’t really use facebook only half way, and more importantly, I don’t want to live my life half way. I’ve come too far, and although I continue to struggle with what the relationship part of my future holds and looks like, I’m proud of who I am and hopeful in who I could become. So in a sense, I’m going to use facebook for the reason why it was created. To connect and share my life with those who have and will become part of my life. (along with a whole host of acquaintances who reside along the edges) Novel idea, I know! That means facebook will become another tool I’ll use to express the truth and tell my story.

Last Thursday I ran into one of these fraternity brothers at a basketball game. I had just approved him on facebook as a friend two days prior, so when I approached to say hello, I was a bit unsure as to how our conversation would go. We spoke about a number of things but he never mentioned nor asked about the one thing that I was thinking of. Initially, I did not come out to him during our conversation. After our conversation I returned to my seat on the other side of the arena and for the next few minutes all I thought about was why I didn’t just confirm for him what I assumed he already knew. It might not have been awkward for him, but it certainly felt awkward to me. (I know I need to just get over it but I don’t know if I ever will) So, I returned to his section and was completely open this time. I don’t believe I was obligated to tell him, but I felt like a fool for not. He confirmed that he began to think something may have been different, but he didn’t know for sure. The conversation went well and that was that.

With these initial “let the truth be told” or “I’m hiding no more,” facebook friendships behind me, the time has come for me to tackle an even greater level of TRUTH. Reconnecting with all of my old friends that I grew up with. It’s been years since I’ve seen many or spoke with most of them, and they have no idea about my truth. (the results of living on the West coast having grown up on the East coast)

I’m excited to reconnect with them because I had some great friends and some awesome times, so let the feeling of anxiety and sense of wonderment continue as each new “in the dark” facebook friend sees my light!

“Reunited”-Peaches and Herb

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Last Man Standing

I arrived back in Phoenix a week ago. As I write this, I realize that by the time I return home to L.A., in another week or so, I will have spent more time in Arizona than I have in California so far this year.

One of the three reasons for my return to Phoenix was to attend my friend’s wedding. This was the wedding that aligned with the bachelor party that I attended and subsequently wrote about in the What Happens in Vegas post. But before I can offer some insight on my first wedding OUT, I wanted to share a little bit about a text conversation I had on Thursday night.

At 9:50PM on Thursday night I received a text from a good friend in regards to our college basketball game that took place a few hours earlier. Our conversation then moved on with my comment:

Such is life. I no longer worry about things I can’t control.

I’m just going 2 dig myself a deep hole so when the sky falls I won’t get hurt. LOL


Friend

You’ll live longer. I worry about everything I can’t control not the least of which is your misguided president


Me

He was still better than McCain. I can’t wait until the midterm elections.


Friend
Voting repub?


Me

If congress keeps up their spending ways and nothing changes relative 2 my rights then I’m voting 4 the challenger and throwing the incumbents out. Time will tell.


Friend
Your rights, speaking of which big decision coming up

I hope the courts don’t usurp the voters though

Just revote the initiative


Me
Odds were never very good that they would overturn it although they constitutionally should. The majority should NOT be able 2 vote 2 take away rights of the minority. Hey we can talk about it at J’s wedding/civil union/commitment ceremony on Saturday.


Friend

X

I sort of agree, but I don’t think that is the case here.


Me
In Cali that is the case. Maybe we should put 2 the voters an amendment that says the state will no longer recognize divorce. In the argument in Cali 2day that was discussed. That the majority could decide 2 take away free speech or any other right.


Friend
Except that the “right” has 2 exist 2 begin with to take it away. There was never a same sex marriage right to start with. The voters simply decided to prevent changing that


Me
In Cali there was and 18000 couples got married

And 2 think how lucky I and many people like I are to look forward 2 spending countless hours and millions of dollars 2 ask people 2 allow me and people like me the opportunity to marry a person whom they love and then receive 1,388 federal rights that go along with that. (according to Equality Matters it’s actually 1,138 and I was wrong on my text)


Friend
That was based on city decisions not a Cali constitutional amendment


ME

No it wasn’t. It was based on the California state constitution.


Friend
All the better then, people dont get to decide their own constitution?

2000 years no gay marriage. Do you ever ask yourself why now?


Me
R u serious?

I’m not going 2 debate this now (It was 10:46PM and I was in bed)

Let me rephrase that, discuss this now. C u on Saturday.


Friend
This will be interesting to discuss since its clear you hate the american system of govt and decision making


At 9:31AM on Friday morning I responded

I don’t think you’ve experienced or know what the word hate really means


I was pretty tired when we began our text conversation on Thursday night, and my drowsiness turned into a feeling of disbelief, disappointment, and a touch of anger.

I arrived at the wedding with a few minutes to spare. As ushers, the Mayor and Gray welcomed me with open arms and the question, “Where’s your date?” My date, haha. They were very much hoping that I would have brought one and I very much appreciated their thoughts. I got to my seat and after a few minutes the ceremony started. It was a beautiful, and fairly quick wedding ceremony. I found myself concentrating on the spoken words during the ceremony to see how often the words “husband and wife” were used compared to the term partners. I had never done that before.

After the ceremony, I had some drinks, mingled, and the wedding turned out to be just like all the others, FUN! I spoke with my friend who I had the text conversation with on Thursday and all is well between the two of us. (we actually spoke very briefly about the topic on Friday evening, and he, like many others, likes to politically rile me up) So on Saturday we spoke a bit more in depth about the marriage topic and we actually agreed that the government should get out of the “marriage” business and solely recognize civil unions. Civil unions for heterosexual couples and civil unions for homosexual couples. The term “marriage” would then be left up to the religious community and each religious community can then decide whether their beliefs allow them to recognize and perform marriage ceremonies for loving homosexual couples. A religious organization’s acceptance, or refusal, of gay marriage would have no bearing on their tax exempt status or their recognition by the government. The rights, benefits, and privileges of unions would be bestowed by the government. A government that is separate from the church. The free market system would then decide what type of religious communities flourish based on their beliefs, but more so, the Church would not be the gatekeeper bestowing the 1,138 rights, benefits, and privileges that currently exist in our federal marriage system. My friend also mentioned that he thought this issue would be behind us in 10 years.

I hope so! Of my core group of friends from college, all are married except for one, who is currently engaged to be married next year. And then there was me. And then there was me...........

Oh and I almost forgot. No wedding would be complete without the song that has been affixed to me since my experience at a local bar in college. So whoever requested it on Saturday, thanks! And one more time, I am no queen!

ABBA-"Dancing Queen"

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Like Father, Like Little Guy

Since my Little Guy's passing on the 17th I've done a lot of mourning, remembering, and thinking about the impact that he had on my life. So I found it a bit amusing that a few days after my return to L.A., the local NBC affiliate did a segment on their nightly news about the book Dogology . It's a book that basically describes what a dog's personality says about their owner. I haven't purchased or read the book, but after having watched the video segment on the news, I conducted some research about the topic online.

Many believe that it’s your dog’s breed that speaks volumes about what kind of owner you are. My Little Guy’s breed is known for being very playful and energetic. They love companionship and play, have plenty of spirit, courage, and are known for their curiosity. They can get bored easily if not kept entertained which could lead to some destructive behavior. They are intelligent and quick to learn, but can also be very independent and strong willed. They are very good at problem solving, being trained, and doing tricks.

Hmm....it looks like the milk bone didn’t fall too far from the tree.

Monday, March 2, 2009

My Double Entendre

“Damn, you hooked up with him?”

I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely laudatory, astonished, and excited way.

"Hell Yes!!!"......The lustful, free spirited, confident, liberal side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of satisfaction the three letter word I wanted to positively use to answer this question.


“Damn, you hooked up with him?”


I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely unflattering, shocked, and saddened way.

"Hell No!!!".......The stiff, stoic, diffident, conservative side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of shame and embarrassment the two letter word that I wanted to negatively use to answer this question.



Since my arrival in L.A., many of my L.A. friends have given me a tremendous amount of grief over the “type” or “look” of the guys that I’m most attracted to. While it has all been in good fun, I would be lying if it didn’t have some sort of stifling effect on me. There were times when I’d be out and my mind would prevent me from going after the type of guys that I really wanted to get to know. Despite my attraction to these guys, my mind would take me back to the ribbing from my L.A. friends and the wonderment of what my longtime family and friends would think about some of the guys whom I physically liked. So in the past, I just didn’t really pursue what I really wanted.

Fuck it! ;) Haha, just kidding but seriously I’m done letting what others may perceive of me limit how I’ve been living my life. I care about what all of my family and friends think of me and the people who are and will become part of my life, but I have to be truer to myself and go after the guys that turn me on.

Early last week I went out and the above process unfolded yet again. Only this time I decided that I had had enough. So I went after a hottie and made it happen. We had a great night together. ;) What’s funny about this was my Hottie, who appeared younger, was actually a few months older than some of my L.A. friends. (at least the two who were with me part of the night when I met said Hottie) So much for their ribbing, and it’s been a hoot letting them know his age.

It was really a great night and a prelude to what would turn into an incredibly great week. I met more guys, some of whom may turn into friends while others may turn into something else, and received more numbers last week then I had during any other week since my arrival in L.A. It was an awesome week, and I believe I’ve learned a little bit more about myself and what I need to do to achieve the results and happiness that I’m looking for. It’s incredible what a little confidence and finally getting passed one’s own self imposed hang-ups could do for you.

And with that I’m all SMILES!!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Six (th)

For the life of me I’m trying to figure out what happened and if I did anything wrong. I first wrote about my friendship with Gene and how I may have changed it in my Risk/Reward post. Then on the 26th of January I had my follow up conversation with him that I subsequently wrote about in my Your Answer Please post. As I told him at the time, the timing for me to express all of this was atrocious, but it was important enough for me to express my feelings and be completely honest with him. I truly thought he respected that. I truly thought he appreciated that. (he did, because that's what he told me) Most importantly, I thought that the conversation we shared on the 26th was one where we both got to experience a more emotionally intimate and authentically pure side of each other than what we had previously experienced before.

I left our dinner incredibly excited. Unfortunately, On the 28th of January I traveled back to Arizona where I remained until the 20th of February. Although I like to present an image to the world that nothing emotionally effects me, it’s all a charade. I AM HUMAN and 2009 has been emotionally draining. From my quest to find intimacy, love, and sense of place in Los Angeles, to the experience of my final weeks with and the eventual passing of my companion and best friend, to the reality of formally moving to L.A., having finally moved my own furniture and property out from Arizona, to every financial asset I own in a perpetual state of valuation free fall with no bottom in site thanks to our irresponsible government (the Democrats, whom I voted for appear to have learned NOTHING as it relates to spending money we don’t have from the Republicans of the last 8 years) So suffice it to say, my 2009 has not started out very well.

All the more reason for me to have been excited to get back to L.A. on the 20th and see what was to come in my relationship with Gene. While in Arizona, Gene and I spoke and texted each other a number of times but never did we follow up on our conversation. Having returned, on Friday night I met up with him and another friend of mine, whom I’ll call Militant, out for dinner. It was a good time and I was glad to see them both again. Obviously with Militant there, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left it on the 26th. So on Saturday night I go out to dinner with Gene and Ethan. Once again, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left off on the 26th since Ethan was with us. After dinner we went dancing at CPop where we met up with some of our other friends. It was at CPop when my emotions of the last few weeks finally began to hit me. Midway through the night, I detached myself from everybody, found a spot along a wall, and began to become very glazed and reflective. I can’t even begin to imagine what others thought of me as I stared into the abyss reflecting on everything that has gone on in my life over the last six weeks. As they were leaving, Gene and Ethan found me and we all went home.

Since that night I haven’t spoken with Gene. We’ve attempted to communicate with one another, although I’ve begun to wonder how serious an effort we’ve made based on the times we’ve tried to reach each other. So my sixth sense takes me back to what I had ironically questioned in my Your Answer Please post.


Six days to wonder what the answer would be.


Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.


Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.


At this point, I sense Gene just wants to be friends and doesn’t want to explore what those other feelings each of us may have had in the past for each other may have meant. I’m cool with that, and I accept and respect his decision. His friendship has been very important to me and I’ve conveyed to him, on numerous occasions, how appreciative of him I’ve been. I only hope that Gene has the courage to personally convey his thoughts to me so we can move beyond what we created on the 26th and our friendship can move forward in a positive way.


“Human”-The Killers (Armin Van Buuren Radio Remix)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

In Memory

I remember at the age of nineteen sitting on the pool deck of our fraternity house, with who would become your other two dads, discussing the idea of going out and finding you. I never had a dog growing up, so I was excited about the idea of getting one.

I remember traveling to Ahwatukee with Straitlord, who as it turned out you liked a lot more than your other dad, Baby Huey, to visit your birth family. We subsequently chose you and brought you home with us to the fraternity house.

I remember having mixed emotions at the time because I was so excited that you were now part of our family, but I also felt terrible that we took you away from your mom, dad, and siblings at the tender age of around two weeks old.

I remember how darned cute you were as a puppy. With your flopped over ears, tiny paws, black nose and eyes, and curled up little tail. I thought your most discernible feature was your pigment around your eyes. Your right eye was black and your left was pink.

I remember how Alice, who certainly didn’t need any help with the ladies, used to carry you around and use you as his wingman those first few months when we had sorority functions at the house, hoping to impress the girls with his softer side.

I remember how you were the first. Soon thereafter another brother brought T into the house. The two of you formed your own little puppy pledge class.

I remember how you and T used to dart down the hallway to get to the sand volleyball court where you would play and play and play until the two of you were exhausted and your tongues were double their size. You’d come back in with sand and T’s drool all over you, lie down next to your water bowl, and make a mess slurping up some water.

I remember how you used to love to dig in the volleyball court. I can vividly picture you digging with your snout in the sand, your front paws moving a mile a minute, sand flying backwards between your hind legs, and the hole you left behind.

I remember that as T began to grow larger than you, you seemed to have not noticed it nor really cared about his size. The two of you continued to rough house like when you were younger. You were never afraid of him, nor any of the other bigger dogs you used to play with later on in your life.

I remember us teaching you your one and only trick. Paw, other paw, and high five. You were really great at remembering them, but in truth, I am pretty sure you were just playing us for some more treats.

I remember how much you used to love to run. We’d be walking down the street of our first house on the way to the park, when with about 200 yards to go, I’d take you off your leash and watch you sprint the rest of the way to the grass. At the park, I’d attempt to chase you, but in most cases you were too fast and there was too much grass for me to cover. The image of your face and body running, with your coat swept back to your tail will never leave me.

I remember we’d play fetch, but half the time you had me fetching your ball or rope because after having fetched it, you’d drop it nowhere near where I was. Maybe you knew I had put on a couple of pounds at the time and you wanted me to slim down a bit.

I remember, while on the grass, how much you used to love lying on your side, then on your back, and then on to your other side. While doing that you used to love taking a bite out of the grass.

I remember coming home so many times to find you sleeping on my bed.

I remember in preparation for The Pipes overnight visit, I thought I would be cute and place chocolates, that I had brought back with me from a hotel I had stayed at on an earlier business trip that week, on their pillows. Only, The Pipes were never able to enjoy those chocolates because it was you my Little Guy who somehow found them on their bed while we were at dinner. You even ate most of the wrappers.

I remember how much you loved your next door neighbor S. She was much smaller than you, and despite you having been snipped years before, you would mount her from the back or either of her sides. We all had great fun watching you work on your abs.

I remember all the different names our friends had for you.

I remember how you used to occasionally mount, mainly from the sides, one of the bigger male dogs down the street and I was left to wonder........

I remember how much you used to love the closet. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I would come home looking for you, only to find you behind my hanging clothes in our walk-in closet. It wasn’t only in our house, but when you would stay at The Runners, I was told you spent a great deal of time in their closet as well. Again, I was left to wonder...........

I remember each time I took a business trip and had to drop you off at the boarding facility. I would watch you walk away with a tremendous amount of guilt.

I remember these last few months and how wonderful it was for us to spend them together. As much as you needed me over this period, I needed you more and I am thankful that you were there for me.

I remember our first drive back home to Arizona in early August. It was during this trip when I was to begin the process of coming out to the rest of our family and friends. Once we crossed the Colorado River into the state of Arizona, you decided to shit three times in the backseat of the car. I had to stop on three different occasions within the span of 45 minutes to clean it up. I was left to wonder what message you were trying to convey to me about what was to come on our first visit back home.

I remember it was during the Sunday of that weekend back in early August when the struggle in my life began to ease as yours unfortunately began to grow. In the span of six hours on that Sunday, I went from shedding tears for myself in having finally begun the process of coming out to my closest friends, to shedding tears for you in learning from the veterinary nurse about your heartbreaking experience overnight and hearing for the first time the conversation about your "quality of life" and when “is the right time.”

I remember our last Thanksgiving together as a family up at your grandparents house last November. I am thankful that you were able to spend some time with your cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents one last time.

I remember watching you devour a double double during our last Valentine’s Day together. You captured my heart the moment we brought you home.

I remember this time exactly one week ago, having arrived at the vet, splitting with you a 3 Musketeers candy bar. A 3 Musketeers because it represents the three of us who brought you into our lives. A 3 Musketeers because it is my favorite candy bar and it represents our shared love of chocolate. A 3 Musketeers because you were such a sweet dog, and I wanted your final treat to be a sweet one.

Of all the memories that I have of our time spent together, which are way too numerous to list here, what I will remember most my Little Guy was seeing you smile. You ALWAYS smiled and I will forever remember how much you loved life. The joy, learning, and love you brought to my life was immeasurable and I can’t even begin to convey to you how proud of you I was in how wonderful you turned out to be. I was incredibly blessed. You were a tremendous friend and companion, and I am so grateful that you were such a significant part of my life. You are, and will continue to be deeply missed, forever loved, and never forgotten!

Rest in peace my Little Guy, rest in peace!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Please Lend Your Support

This video was actually presented at the Camp Courage event that I participated in which I wrote about in my Story of Self post. I actually looked for it on their site then to share it along with my post, but they didn't have it on their site at the time. So thanks to Ed (from Hear, here) for forwarding it on to me.

THIS IS WHAT FULL MARRIAGE EQUALITY LOOKS LIKE AND WHY GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE FIGHTING FOR IT!


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

"Fidelity" used with permission from Regina Spektor and EMI Records.


At the Courage Campaign Site you will see the following:

Tell the Supreme Court to invalidate Prop 8, reject Ken Starr's case, and let loving, committed couples marry. DEADLINE: Valentine's Day

We, the undersigned, share President Barack Obama's view that "for too long, issues of LGBT rights have been exploited by those seeking to divide us. It's time to move beyond polarization and live up to our founding promise of equality by treating all our citizens with dignity and respect."

Yet, on December 19, 2008, Ken Starr and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund filed legal briefs defending the constitutionality of Prop 8 and seeking to nullify the 18,000 same-sex marriages conducted between May and November of 2008.

The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in this case on March 5, 2009, with a decision expected within the next 90 days. We, the undersigned, ask that the Court invalidate Prop 8 and recognize the marriage rights of these 18,000 couples -- and all loving, committed couples in California -- under our state's constitution.

As Americans who believe in the rule of law and fundamental civil rights, we know that Ken Starr and the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund's shameful attempt to nullify these unions will not be vindicated in the eyes of history. We know that, ultimately, love will prevail, no matter how hard they try to fight it.

Sincerely,

So please make a difference by going to the Courage Campaign Site and lending your support! SIGN HERE . I did and I hope you will join me! Thanks!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Second of the Anniversaries

The closet door finally opened up one year ago today. On February 2nd 2008, I said out loud for the first time that, “I am gay!”

Bob, who has been and still is a very good friend and mentor to me, was the first person I told and our conversation went incredibly well. I’m extremely grateful for the support that he showed me during that very difficult conversation, but even more so for what was to come over the next few months.

They say that verbalizing who you are to someone you know makes you real. I believe that. What I can't believe is that it's been 12 months!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Separation of Church and State?

For all of those who questioned why the Mormons were targeted for peaceful protests after the election in November. Well now you know why. And I don't think we're done yet. Just you wait until the final campaign funding report becomes public record in the coming days. I wouldn't be surprised to learn of a few more surprises about the Yes on 8 campaign.



From the LA Times Online


Mormon church reports spending $180,000 on Proposition 8

Jessica Garrison
6:48 AM PST, January 31, 2009

Top officials with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints filed reports Friday indicating that they donated more than $180,000 in in-kind contributions to Proposition 8, the November ballot initiative that banned same-sex marriage in California.

The contributions included tens of thousands of dollars for expenses such as airline tickets, hotel and restaurant bills and car-rental bills for top church officials such as L. Whitney Clayton, along with $96,849.31 worth of "compensated staff time" for church employees.

The church said the expenditures took place between July 1 and the end of the year. The church's involvement has been a major issue in the campaign and its aftermath. Individual Mormon families donated millions -- by some estimates more than $20 million -- of their own money to the campaign.

On top of that, some Prop. 8 opponents say church officials violated election law by failing to file campaign disclosure reports outlining church funds being spent on the campaign. Fred Karger, who filed a complaint with the Fair Political Practices Commission after the election alleging that church officials had not properly disclosed their involvement, said he thought today's filing proves that his complaint has merit.

"They said they reported all their travel ... now, when there is a [complaint filed] they disclose 25 Southwest tickets just in October," he said. "They were required to report this" in an earlier filing, he said. Church officials could not be reached for comment this evening.

Your Answer Please

It was 6 long days.

Six days to wonder what the answer would be.

Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.

Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.


On the sixth night we got together for dinner at this little Chinese restaurant. For the most part our evening was like all of our other prior engagements, a good time. Although, from the get go I felt like there was a proverbial elephant in the room. For the first 40 minutes or so, what I had asked of him six nights prior was not discussed. To the contrary, I thought he was guiding me to a two letter answer based on our conversation about some other guys that I’ve gone out with.

So having not formally broached the topic for most of the evening I finally invited the elephant to sit down with us. What had been a good conversation turned into a great one. We both were very open, honest, and in a sense a bit vulnerable. The conversation was both exciting and terrifying.

And his answer was YES!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Story of Self

So the reason I left Vegas early was because I had two full days of Prop 8/Marriage Equality workshops that I had committed to attend. I arrived at the EQCA Summit at the L.A. Convention Center a bit late on Saturday and I missed most of the morning session. (no worries though because I learned most of what was discussed as conveyed in my Surprise Guest post) The rest of the event was just so-so and I left about two hours early.

On Sunday, I was invited by the Courage Campaign to participate in their Inaugural Camp Courage. This full day event was modeled after the Camp Obama, grassroots organizer program, and they did a great job enhancing it to meet our equality needs. The Courage Campaign will be holding additional Camps around the State of California so if you reside in California, please go check out their Camp Courage Vote website and get involved.

The first action based, working session that our cohort participated in was the creation and presentation of our own unique Stories of Self. The Courage Campaign describes a Story of Self as one that tells why we have been called to serve. The key focus is on choice points; moments in our lives when our values are formed; when we have to choose in the face of great uncertainty. A good public story is drawn from the series of choice points that have structure-the “plot” of your life: the challenges you faced, the choices you made, and the outcomes you experienced. This storytelling is important because it is a means of communicating our experiences in a way people can respond to by connecting with their emotions. Oh, and our story wasn’t supposed to exceed two minutes in length. Which makes sense because when we are engaging people out on the streets, their time is at a premium.

The story that I presented on Sunday was obviously my story, the one I have written about here in Stand Straight since May. Only, it was the 2 minute verbal version. (truth be told mine went a few seconds longer then two minutes) And you know what, most of my group thought I had the best one. I’ve heard similar sentiments expressed many times over the last few months and I’m beginning to believe that my story is pretty darn cool!

Monday, January 26, 2009

What Happens in Vegas

Stays in Vegas unless you happen to write a little ol' blog.

On Friday afternoon I ventured up to Las Vegas to attend the first night of a friend’s bachelor party weekend. I landed at LAS at 5:00PM PST and was back at the airport 12 hours later. It was really unfortunate that I had prior plans for both Saturday and Sunday because I was really excited about this trip. It had been some time since I’ve hung out socially with many of my straight friends, most of whom on this trip are my fraternity brothers from college. This was my first real, social event with many of them since I came out to them a few months ago.

While some of the guys, like myself, flew in from a few of the Western states, most drove up from the Phoenix area. My first notable experience was receiving a gift from one of the guys from the group that drove. I’ll call him The Mayor and let’s just say I received a key to his city from him. Apparently, on their drive up from Phoenix they stopped at a convenience store. The Mayor is not shy, nor ashamed of eating only the best, and most luscious food when he sees it. So while at the convenience store he saw an item that apparently looked too good to pass up. A 3’ long, whipper snacker, pepperoni flavored beef stick. Only this time, that fine piece of meat wasn’t to satisfy his never ending hunger, but was more a gag gift for his gay friend. Does he really think that all gay guys like to play around with a piece of meat that long? And come on, pepperoni flavored? Has he not been reading Stand Straight? If he had, he would have known that I much prefer the sweet taste of a bit of teriyaki. (haha) In all seriousness, my initial, internal reaction upon receiving his key to the city was one of disappointment. Although I saw a bit of good natured humor in his slightly inebriated gesture, I wasn’t comfortable with our greetings reflecting the fact that I’m gay. Nonetheless, my internal reaction was not expressed externally and I only reflected on it for a very short period. All was well and I was extremely excited to be spending some Vegas time with my good friends of well over 10 years.

The next few hours were spent drinking, gambling (for me only a few hands), and reconnecting. The funny part here is that one of my friends, I’ll call him Jersey, was passed out before 9:00PM. Jersey isn’t some little guy and in the past could certainly handle his booze, I guess not so much anymore. (haha) While Jersey was getting to know his bed, the rest of us went to one of the restaurants at TI. (on a side note, I love this song from TI with Rihanna and I have to ask, are you Live...ing Your Life?)



At dinner we spent way too much for crap food and drinks but overall had a good time in a fun environment. And of course with a group our size we had to have the obligatory one or two guys who disappeared when the bill came. However, I do believe they paid up when they were found later.

After dinner we continued to hang around the casino where we gambled, drank, and mingled. At one point another friend of mine, I’ll call him Shalom, noticed two girls, a blonde and a red head, at the roulette table that was two tables to the left of our blackjack table. He was in awe of both of their extremely large racks. Since Shalom, and all of my other friends were either engaged or married with children I decided to be their wingman for the evening. So I went up to the girls as they were at their very crowded roulette table and began a conversation. My goal was to get them to come with me, so I could introduce them to Shalom. Despite the fact that another friend, I’ll call him Gray, joined in on the conversation at the roulette table and was trying to get the girls to continue to play roulette, both girls left the table and began to mingle with our group. The blonde, whom Shalom liked, followed me back to his blackjack table. Mission Accomplished!

Before we left for the Badda Bing, a gentlemen’s club, we thought it would be fun to introduce the girls to our passed out friend upstairs and see if their presence would awaken his senses. Although I took a number of pictures of what they did, I am only going to post this one of the girls.

And yes girls, I really am gay and now you’re starring in my blog. Since they thought I was straight, I played along with them through the first half of the evening, but by the end of the night a few of my friends had told them in their own private conversations that I was. I did speak with Red about it but I can't recall if I spoke with Blonde about it.

We then went to the Badda Bing with Blonde and Red. I have been to a lot of gentlemen’s clubs in my day, both for business and with these same friends, so I was interested to see how it would be going there with them now that I’m out. It was all good and I had a really great time! It helped that the place was relatively empty and the girls weren’t particularly attractive. I obviously didn’t waste my money on any of the girls working that night, so I spent most of the evening talking to my friends, Blonde, and Red. At one point I got into a nice conversation with CRock, another friend, where we discussed another gentlemen’s club in town which I was told had a "special" upstairs. So the question I have as I write this is whether my friends will join me at the "special" upstairs club when I get married? (lol)

After an hour or two we all left and went back to TI. We milled around the casino a bit and that’s when Gray started to mutter the words that Blonde and Red were hOOkers. Most of us didn’t believe that to be the case, but Gray was persistent. When Blonde and Red began to hear those utterances they were gone. Personally, I never believed them to be “working” us that night. I don’t believe that they would have invested a good 4 or 5 hours, with them leaving us around 3:00AM, had they been hookers. I thought they were two really cool girls. Clearly if they were hookers, and any good at their job they would have gotten an impression within the first hour or so from our group and moved on. But then again, what the hell do I know.

Around 3:30AM Gray, The Mayor, CRock and I went to go get some food. Having consumed some drinks and having blown their load ;-) , of cash of course, over the preceding few hours made for an animated conversation. We got into discussing gay marriage and the vote of the people. There was a point where I questioned The Mayor on whether he was being serious because he is too smart to have asked me, or commented on some of the things that he did. One of the things that came up in our conversation were the 1,138 rights that are afforded to “married” couples. You can find them here 1,138 REASONS. These are why the term "marriage" is so imporant to full equality. Beyond the serious tone of part of the conversation, I felt it was all good. Although I felt bad for the waiter because they didn’t have any country fried steak. Poor guy.

After breakfast and having said my goodbyes, it was back to the airport where I got no sleep for the remaining two hours I was in Vegas due to some of the most uncomfortable chairs I’ve ever sat on. Nonetheless, Vegas was well worth it and it was a great start to a very long weekend!

And for one final note, I was surprised to learn that many of my friends read Stand Straight. When I opened the blog up to them (please see Dear Family and Friends post) I assumed that many would peruse and read what had been going on in my life those last few months, but I can honestly say I never thought that they would continue to read it.
So my brothers, THANKS! But like I've told you, this blog is not intended to replace our own live communication. I had a lot of fun in Vegas and am looking to see you all again soon!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Risk/Reward

I have really tried over the last week to formulate my thoughts and write about what’s been going on these last two weeks, but honestly it has been very difficult. Since I began writing Stand Straight, this has been the first time that I really have had this problem. A lot has happened, events that have been both positive and negative, but I just found it has been very difficult to write about these things.

I’m hopeful, yet extremely terrified that I may have made a mistake. Terrified with the feeling that I may have forever changed a relationship that has been so positive for me. I may be making too big a deal about this, and I probably am, but since it’s been so long and I’m not sure what the gay dating mores are, that uncertainty has me terrified.

So what has me so terrified? Well, I asked a friend out on a date. Having known him, and having shared many a good times with him over the last few months, my feelings for him began to change. I don’t quite know what my feelings mean, but what I do know is that they are different today then what they were in late December. Ironically, it was what another date who I met out on Monday said that got me into thinking about my relationship with my friend.

So we spoke over the phone on Tuesday and I simply asked him out on a date. Nothing more, nothing less. I completely surprised him and his response was, “A date, date?” We spoke for another 20 minutes or so and it was a good conversation. He admired how open and honest I was, and thought I had balls for asking him. We will get together in the next few days to discuss this in person to determine what, if anything comes next.

(and in full disclosure this friend is one of the two guys whom I've told about Stand Straight since my arrival in LA)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Reality Bites

There’s just so much on my mind and I was hoping to write about some of it. But after staring at my computer screen trying to figure out how to articulate what I'm feeling for way too long now, I’m done.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Surprise Guest

It was quite the surprise to learn that on Thursday night at my organization’s leadership meeting we would have a surprise guest. That surprise guest just happened to be the Executive Director of EQCA. The same Executive Director who I partly blamed, and whose resignation I asked for because of the defeat of Proposition 8 in November. (please see Bittersweet post for some background)

The Executive Director was completely candid and open to all questions during the three and half hours that we met. It was a good thing because in front of the 12 or so people in attendance, I held him responsible for our defeat. Due to my ignorance and understanding of the No on 8 Campaign structure, I branded him as the face of the campaign. He understood that feeling, and it wasn’t the first time that he heard it. As it turns out he was one of seven individuals who formed the No on 8 Executive committee. Suffice it to say, in the three and a half hours that we met I learned a TON about the campaign. Most of which it would be irresponsible of me to comment on or publish on this blog. The only three things that I will mention are:

1. My shock to hear that no one person was ultimately responsible for the $40 million, No on 8 campaign.
2. No one believes that there are any threats to the 18,000 gay and lesbian couples who chose to get married when they had the legal right to.
3. I am slightly more optimistic that the court will rule that Prop 8 was unconstitutional.


After the meeting I had the opportunity to meet the Executive Director and apologize to him for holding him personally responsible. Although he shoulders some of the blame, after learning what I did about the campaign, there is enough of it to go around.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Make That #5 & #6

A friend and I were walking home from a club on Sunday morning around 3:00AM when our ears were filled with the soothing sounds of more ignorant a-holes. The first car drove by and from the vehicle we heard something that sounded like, “you guys going to go suck each other’s dicks you assholes.” Not to be outdone by this first vehicle, about 300 yards further east along Santa Monica Blvd. a car stopped next to us, and the passenger yelled out, “going to eat your boyfriend’s shit you faggots?”

Having experienced something like this now for the fifth and sixth time, I kind of let it go in one ear and out the other as it happened. However, the second car’s action still has me thinking. They stopped their car to yell. They decided to do this beforehand and simply did not have an impulse to just yell at two gays as they were driving through WeHo. What losers!

Beyond that Saturday was a really good day and a fun night.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

First of the Anniversaries

It was a year ago today that my life changed. And it all started with this email to a complete stranger.

“I've been a reader of your blog for some time and I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write the blog and share with us the many experiences you've had over the last 2 years. For some of us, and speaking for myself, who don't know anyone in the community, your blog provides a small connection to the community and demonstrates the possibilities to those like myself who haven't quite been completely honest with themselves. So thanks again and I hope your '08 brings you true happiness, health, prosperity, passion, and the love of your life! L’Chaim!”


There was an unintended consequence in sending that email, and that was it exposed my true identity. I completely overlooked how my email was setup, so in truth, today is the day I first came out to somebody other than myself. I freaked out a bit when I received the reply addressing me by my real name. But looking back on it, I’m glad it happened as it happened. Coming out to this complete stranger was obviously a different experience, both meaningfully and emotionally, then coming out to my closest family and friends, but I’m thankful it happened when, and as it did.

So as it turned out, there was no turning back once I hit SEND on January 6, 2008!

And that’s what I’ll celebrate today. The fact that I took the initiative to change my life and it all began with this one email.

Change CAN be good!