Wednesday, March 18, 2009

faceTHEbook II

Well, it was only a matter of time before I got with the program. I first wrote about joining facebook back in December and since that time I’ve been extremely measured in how I’ve used the site and with whom I’ve interacted. (the whom being all of those that know the real me) That’s changed a bit over the last few weeks as I’ve learned that most users define their facebook experience and their acceptance of “facebook friends” differently than I. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to use these sites, and although at times I may still mock or judge the whole social networking experience, I have received enough benefits in my experience with facebook over the last few weeks to have learned to become a little less rigid and a bit more open to the opportunity.

To start, this new attitude has allowed me to accept friend requests from fraternity brothers of mine, all of whom I was friendly with but none of whom I was particularly close with since college. Initially, I set up my profile to prohibit “add friend” requests because I didn’t want to deal with the whole “I’m Gay” component of my life. I’ve since realized I can’t really use facebook only half way, and more importantly, I don’t want to live my life half way. I’ve come too far, and although I continue to struggle with what the relationship part of my future holds and looks like, I’m proud of who I am and hopeful in who I could become. So in a sense, I’m going to use facebook for the reason why it was created. To connect and share my life with those who have and will become part of my life. (along with a whole host of acquaintances who reside along the edges) Novel idea, I know! That means facebook will become another tool I’ll use to express the truth and tell my story.

Last Thursday I ran into one of these fraternity brothers at a basketball game. I had just approved him on facebook as a friend two days prior, so when I approached to say hello, I was a bit unsure as to how our conversation would go. We spoke about a number of things but he never mentioned nor asked about the one thing that I was thinking of. Initially, I did not come out to him during our conversation. After our conversation I returned to my seat on the other side of the arena and for the next few minutes all I thought about was why I didn’t just confirm for him what I assumed he already knew. It might not have been awkward for him, but it certainly felt awkward to me. (I know I need to just get over it but I don’t know if I ever will) So, I returned to his section and was completely open this time. I don’t believe I was obligated to tell him, but I felt like a fool for not. He confirmed that he began to think something may have been different, but he didn’t know for sure. The conversation went well and that was that.

With these initial “let the truth be told” or “I’m hiding no more,” facebook friendships behind me, the time has come for me to tackle an even greater level of TRUTH. Reconnecting with all of my old friends that I grew up with. It’s been years since I’ve seen many or spoke with most of them, and they have no idea about my truth. (the results of living on the West coast having grown up on the East coast)

I’m excited to reconnect with them because I had some great friends and some awesome times, so let the feeling of anxiety and sense of wonderment continue as each new “in the dark” facebook friend sees my light!

“Reunited”-Peaches and Herb


Kelly said...

good for you!! I have left the gay feature on my facebook and had some great chats with folks from high school and college about my life... accepted better than I thought... but i am always waiting for the one bad interaction... just be prepared, but enjoy reconnecting...

queer heaven said...

Adam, good luck with facebook.
I used it for awhile, but when I realized I had 436 "friends" it kinda got to be a non reality based networking system.
I find that the "friends" I have met thru my blog seem more satisfying to me.