Finally

I arrived back in L.A. this afternoon. It feels like forever ago that I was here. Anyway, I'm so excited to be back and more importantly to be home!

faceTHEbook II

Well, it was only a matter of time before I got with the program. I first wrote about joining facebook back in December and since that time I’ve been extremely measured in how I’ve used the site and with whom I’ve interacted. (the whom being all of those that know the real me) That’s changed a bit over the last few weeks as I’ve learned that most users define their facebook experience and their acceptance of “facebook friends” differently than I. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong way to use these sites, and although at times I may still mock or judge the whole social networking experience, I have received enough benefits in my experience with facebook over the last few weeks to have learned to become a little less rigid and a bit more open to the opportunity.

To start, this new attitude has allowed me to accept friend requests from fraternity brothers of mine, all of whom I was friendly with but none of whom I was particularly close with since college. Initially, I set up my profile to prohibit “add friend” requests because I didn’t want to deal with the whole “I’m Gay” component of my life. I’ve since realized I can’t really use facebook only half way, and more importantly, I don’t want to live my life half way. I’ve come too far, and although I continue to struggle with what the relationship part of my future holds and looks like, I’m proud of who I am and hopeful in who I could become. So in a sense, I’m going to use facebook for the reason why it was created. To connect and share my life with those who have and will become part of my life. (along with a whole host of acquaintances who reside along the edges) Novel idea, I know! That means facebook will become another tool I’ll use to express the truth and tell my story.

Last Thursday I ran into one of these fraternity brothers at a basketball game. I had just approved him on facebook as a friend two days prior, so when I approached to say hello, I was a bit unsure as to how our conversation would go. We spoke about a number of things but he never mentioned nor asked about the one thing that I was thinking of. Initially, I did not come out to him during our conversation. After our conversation I returned to my seat on the other side of the arena and for the next few minutes all I thought about was why I didn’t just confirm for him what I assumed he already knew. It might not have been awkward for him, but it certainly felt awkward to me. (I know I need to just get over it but I don’t know if I ever will) So, I returned to his section and was completely open this time. I don’t believe I was obligated to tell him, but I felt like a fool for not. He confirmed that he began to think something may have been different, but he didn’t know for sure. The conversation went well and that was that.

With these initial “let the truth be told” or “I’m hiding no more,” facebook friendships behind me, the time has come for me to tackle an even greater level of TRUTH. Reconnecting with all of my old friends that I grew up with. It’s been years since I’ve seen many or spoke with most of them, and they have no idea about my truth. (the results of living on the West coast having grown up on the East coast)

I’m excited to reconnect with them because I had some great friends and some awesome times, so let the feeling of anxiety and sense of wonderment continue as each new “in the dark” facebook friend sees my light!

“Reunited”-Peaches and Herb

Last Man Standing

I arrived back in Phoenix a week ago. As I write this, I realize that by the time I return home to L.A., in another week or so, I will have spent more time in Arizona than I have in California so far this year.

One of the three reasons for my return to Phoenix was to attend my friend’s wedding. This was the wedding that aligned with the bachelor party that I attended and subsequently wrote about in the What Happens in Vegas post. But before I can offer some insight on my first wedding OUT, I wanted to share a little bit about a text conversation I had on Thursday night.

At 9:50PM on Thursday night I received a text from a good friend in regards to our college basketball game that took place a few hours earlier. Our conversation then moved on with my comment:

Such is life. I no longer worry about things I can’t control.

I’m just going 2 dig myself a deep hole so when the sky falls I won’t get hurt. LOL

Friend

You’ll live longer. I worry about everything I can’t control not the least of which is your misguided president

Me

He was still better than McCain. I can’t wait until the midterm elections.

Friend

Voting repub?

Me

If congress keeps up their spending ways and nothing changes relative 2 my rights then I’m voting 4 the challenger and throwing the incumbents out. Time will tell.

Friend

Your rights, speaking of which big decision coming up

I hope the courts don’t usurp the voters though

Just revote the initiative

Me

Odds were never very good that they would overturn it although they constitutionally should. The majority should NOT be able 2 vote 2 take away rights of the minority. Hey we can talk about it at J’s wedding/civil union/commitment ceremony on Saturday.

Friend

X

I sort of agree, but I don’t think that is the case here.

Me

In Cali that is the case. Maybe we should put 2 the voters an amendment that says the state will no longer recognize divorce. In the argument in Cali 2day that was discussed. That the majority could decide 2 take away free speech or any other right.

Friend

Except that the “right” has 2 exist 2 begin with to take it away. There was never a same sex marriage right to start with. The voters simply decided to prevent changing that

Me

In Cali there was and 18000 couples got married

And 2 think how lucky I and many people like I are to look forward 2 spending countless hours and millions of dollars 2 ask people 2 allow me and people like me the opportunity to marry a person whom they love and then receive 1,388 federal rights that go along with that. (according to Equality Matters it’s actually 1,138 and I was wrong on my text)

Friend

That was based on city decisions not a Cali constitutional amendment

ME

No it wasn’t. It was based on the California state constitution.

Friend

All the better then, people dont get to decide their own constitution?

2000 years no gay marriage. Do you ever ask yourself why now?

Me

R u serious?

I’m not going 2 debate this now (It was 10:46PM and I was in bed)

Let me rephrase that, discuss this now. C u on Saturday.

Friend

This will be interesting to discuss since its clear you hate the american system of govt and decision making

At 9:31AM on Friday morning I responded

I don’t think you’ve experienced or know what the word hate really means

I was pretty tired when we began our text conversation on Thursday night, and my drowsiness turned into a feeling of disbelief, disappointment, and a touch of anger.

I arrived at the wedding with a few minutes to spare. As ushers, the Mayor and Gray welcomed me with open arms and the question, “Where’s your date?” My date, haha. They were very much hoping that I would have brought one and I very much appreciated their thoughts. I got to my seat and after a few minutes the ceremony started. It was a beautiful, and fairly quick wedding ceremony. I found myself concentrating on the spoken words during the ceremony to see how often the words “husband and wife” were used compared to the term partners. I had never done that before.

After the ceremony, I had some drinks, mingled, and the wedding turned out to be just like all the others, FUN! I spoke with my friend who I had the text conversation with on Thursday and all is well between the two of us. (we actually spoke very briefly about the topic on Friday evening, and he, like many others, likes to politically rile me up) So on Saturday we spoke a bit more in depth about the marriage topic and we actually agreed that the government should get out of the “marriage” business and solely recognize civil unions. Civil unions for heterosexual couples and civil unions for homosexual couples. The term “marriage” would then be left up to the religious community and each religious community can then decide whether their beliefs allow them to recognize and perform marriage ceremonies for loving homosexual couples. A religious organization’s acceptance, or refusal, of gay marriage would have no bearing on their tax exempt status or their recognition by the government. The rights, benefits, and privileges of unions would be bestowed by the government. A government that is separate from the church. The free market system would then decide what type of religious communities flourish based on their beliefs, but more so, the Church would not be the gatekeeper bestowing the 1,138 rights, benefits, and privileges that currently exist in our federal marriage system. My friend also mentioned that he thought this issue would be behind us in 10 years.

I hope so! Of my core group of friends from college, all are married except for one, who is currently engaged to be married next year. And then there was me. And then there was me...........

Oh and I almost forgot. No wedding would be complete without the song that has been affixed to me since my experience at a local bar in college. So whoever requested it on Saturday, thanks! And one more time, I am no queen!

ABBA-"Dancing Queen"

Like Father, Like Little Guy

Since my Little Guy's passing on the 17th I've done a lot of mourning, remembering, and thinking about the impact that he had on my life. So I found it a bit amusing that a few days after my return to L.A., the local NBC affiliate did a segment on their nightly news about the book Dogology . It's a book that basically describes what a dog's personality says about their owner. I haven't purchased or read the book, but after having watched the video segment on the news, I conducted some research about the topic online.

Many believe that it’s your dog’s breed that speaks volumes about what kind of owner you are. My Little Guy’s breed is known for being very playful and energetic. They love companionship and play, have plenty of spirit, courage, and are known for their curiosity. They can get bored easily if not kept entertained which could lead to some destructive behavior. They are intelligent and quick to learn, but can also be very independent and strong willed. They are very good at problem solving, being trained, and doing tricks.

Hmm....it looks like the milk bone didn’t fall too far from the tree.

My Double Entendre

“Damn, you hooked up with him?”

I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely laudatory, astonished, and excited way.

"Hell Yes!!!"......The lustful, free spirited, confident, liberal side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of satisfaction the three letter word I wanted to positively use to answer this question.

“Damn, you hooked up with him?”

I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely unflattering, shocked, and saddened way.

"Hell No!!!".......The stiff, stoic, diffident, conservative side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of shame and embarrassment the two letter word that I wanted to negatively use to answer this question.

Since my arrival in L.A., many of my L.A. friends have given me a tremendous amount of grief over the “type” or “look” of the guys that I’m most attracted to. While it has all been in good fun, I would be lying if it didn’t have some sort of stifling effect on me. There were times when I’d be out and my mind would prevent me from going after the type of guys that I really wanted to get to know. Despite my attraction to these guys, my mind would take me back to the ribbing from my L.A. friends and the wonderment of what my longtime family and friends would think about some of the guys whom I physically liked. So in the past, I just didn’t really pursue what I really wanted.

Fuck it! ;) Haha, just kidding but seriously I’m done letting what others may perceive of me limit how I’ve been living my life. I care about what all of my family and friends think of me and the people who are and will become part of my life, but I have to be truer to myself and go after the guys that turn me on.

Early last week I went out and the above process unfolded yet again. Only this time I decided that I had had enough. So I went after a hottie and made it happen. We had a great night together. ;) What’s funny about this was my Hottie, who appeared younger, was actually a few months older than some of my L.A. friends. (at least the two who were with me part of the night when I met said Hottie) So much for their ribbing, and it’s been a hoot letting them know his age.

It was really a great night and a prelude to what would turn into an incredibly great week. I met more guys, some of whom may turn into friends while others may turn into something else, and received more numbers last week then I had during any other week since my arrival in L.A. It was an awesome week, and I believe I’ve learned a little bit more about myself and what I need to do to achieve the results and happiness that I’m looking for. It’s incredible what a little confidence and finally getting passed one’s own self imposed hang-ups could do for you.

And with that I’m all SMILES!!!