Monday, May 4, 2009

Downs and Ups

I know it’s been some time, so to continue, the day I returned to WeHo I was poisoned during lunch. That funny guy, with the big white head, pointy hat, funny facial expressions, who pops out of a children’s toy poisoned me. Bastard I tell you!

I used to love Mr. Box and his food, but not so much anymore.

Ethan planned an outing with some friends of ours that Wednesday night. The plan was to start at Hamburger Mary's for some bingo and then proceed to........... Unfortunately, within 30 minutes and before the second game of bingo even began, I sensed the inevitable. That the one activity in life that I HATED the most was quickly approaching. Having begun to sweat profusely, I abruptly said my goodbyes and was out the door on my way home.

I made it about fifty feet along Santa Monica Blvd. when I began to feel light headed. I knew I wouldn’t make it home, so I immediately went back to Mary’s and quickly darted to the bathroom. Upon arrival and having opened the door, I realized the bathroom was occupied with another guy. I waited patiently for him, in line with another girl, knowing that at any moment I was about to embarrass myself. I waited, and waited, and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. The bathroom door was unlocked and through the opening that I had left, when I had initially peeked in to see if it was occupied, I saw said guy turn away from the toilet. Since the guy was between me and the toilet, I rushed to the garbage can and out it came. In all its chunky glory my puke missed him by inches.

I immediately went home where I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my own golden throne depositing even more chunky goodness. For the next five days I hardly ate, had the runs, felt miserable, and besides a family gathering didn’t leave my apartment for any social activity.

Suffice it to say I was physically and emotionally bankrupt. Having spent the better part of the previous 8 weeks in Arizona, dealing with loss, change, and loneliness, I was excited, hopeful, and eager to return to WeHo. So to fall ill on the day I returned was like a figurative and literal punch in the gut. Once again, it brought me to evaluate and wonder what the reason and meaning of it all was.

Did I make a mistake in coming back to WeHo?

Have my decisions over the past 9 months been the correct ones?

Am I a better person today then I was yesterday?

Is there a fulfilling and prosperous career that awaits me here in Los Angeles?

Have I really begun to develop honest and true friendships here in L.A., having been accepted into those I consider friend's lives, or have I simply been fooling myself with relationships devoid of any deeper depth?

Am I happy with where I am sexually?

And what does my future look like?

Looking back over the last few weeks, I’m angry with myself. In not writing, I’ve hid behind the excuses of; self loathing, a lack of inspiration, and the personal belief that my story was told, which to some degree are all true, but in doing so I’ve neglected the personal benefits that writing has provided.


tnmustang said...

Glad your back. Was worried about ya, since you haven't blogged in several weeks. Began to wonder if something was seriously wrong!! Hope your feeling better now.

queer heaven said...

So glad you are back & feeling better! I had food poisoning once & know all too well how unpleasant it can be.
Don't give up the blogging. You've come a long way in your journey to yourself. You should be proud!

BCohio said...

I'm really glad you are back Adam. Maybe give us some more details and what your thoughts are on each of those questions and we can comment on that.