Your Answer Please

It was 6 long days.

Six days to wonder what the answer would be.

Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.

Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.

On the sixth night we got together for dinner at this little Chinese restaurant. For the most part our evening was like all of our other prior engagements, a good time. Although, from the get go I felt like there was a proverbial elephant in the room. For the first 40 minutes or so, what I had asked of him six nights prior was not discussed. To the contrary, I thought he was guiding me to a two letter answer based on our conversation about some other guys that I’ve gone out with.

So having not formally broached the topic for most of the evening I finally invited the elephant to sit down with us. What had been a good conversation turned into a great one. We both were very open, honest, and in a sense a bit vulnerable. The conversation was both exciting and terrifying.

And his answer was YES!

Risk/Reward

I have really tried over the last week to formulate my thoughts and write about what’s been going on these last two weeks, but honestly it has been very difficult. Since I began writing Stand Straight, this has been the first time that I really have had this problem. A lot has happened, events that have been both positive and negative, but I just found it has been very difficult to write about these things.

I’m hopeful, yet extremely terrified that I may have made a mistake. Terrified with the feeling that I may have forever changed a relationship that has been so positive for me. I may be making too big a deal about this, and I probably am, but since it’s been so long and I’m not sure what the gay dating mores are, that uncertainty has me terrified.

So what has me so terrified? Well, I asked a friend out on a date. Having known him, and having shared many a good times with him over the last few months, my feelings for him began to change. I don’t quite know what my feelings mean, but what I do know is that they are different today then what they were in late December. Ironically, it was what another date who I met out on Monday said that got me into thinking about my relationship with my friend.

So we spoke over the phone on Tuesday and I simply asked him out on a date. Nothing more, nothing less. I completely surprised him and his response was, “A date, date?” We spoke for another 20 minutes or so and it was a good conversation. He admired how open and honest I was, and thought I had balls for asking him. We will get together in the next few days to discuss this in person to determine what, if anything comes next.

(and in full disclosure this friend is one of the two guys whom I've told about Stand Straight since my arrival in LA)

3AM

Friday night’s plan was to attend my friend's Holiday party, then come home early to get a good night’s rest. I wanted to wake up early on Saturday morning because I had a lot of work to do in preparation for my own party which was scheduled for Saturday night. It’s funny then to experience the results of changes in the most well thought out plans.

I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.

So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.

We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.

We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.

It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)

So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.

With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?

KLF-"3AM Eternal"

Boy Mitzvah!

What a whirlwind of a weekend! For those that have been reading since the start, it should come as no surprise to see that I take meanings and messages from all sorts of different things and events that happen in my life. In a sense, that is my faith and how I connect with my G-d up above. Not only that, but my mind is just too active and goes in all different directions. (Remember, I’m a Type A Virgo) So with that as the preface, here goes in narrative form:

I left Phoenix for San Diego midday on Friday. The weather was lousy in Phoenix, light rain, and I guess the system extended all the way into Southern California. I was bumped up to first, which was nice, but the flight was turbulent for half of the time in the air, we were 1.5 hours late taking off, and no special songs came on in my ipod. We land in San Diego, and what do you know, light rain. Before heading out to San Diego, I did some research online trying to find the gay hot spots to check out. I must have gone to at least five different sites and none of them had any reviews worth their salt. Based on the events they had listed on their website for the weekend, I planned out each night on where I would hit. I read that Hillcrest was pretty casual, so I opted for a pair of Luckys, a long sleeve knit, and a grungy long sleeve button down. This along with leaving my hair as is without any product, was as casual as you will probably see me. I left the Westin at around 8:15 because I also needed to eat.

First mind wandering adventure was asking the bellhop to get me a cab and telling him where I needed to go. Clearly I’m playing over and over in my head that I told him 5th Ave. and Robinson and that is in Hillcrest? What is the bellhop going to think of me by going to Hillcrest? And then the cabbie? I’m not saying these thoughts are right or wrong to have, but the honest truth is that I still have them. The taxi dropped me off where I had asked, and then the rain started to intensify. I had to walk a few blocks to get to Mo's so I thoroughly enjoyed the rain, that’s a lie, dodging it by scurrying from awning to awning. I arrived at Mo’s and to my great surprise the place was packed. I also had no idea what I looked like. As mentioned earlier, my plan was to go out a bit earlier to eat and make a low key entrance. Well so much for the low key entrance. I walked around a bit and that’s where I find it so intimidating to be a lone wolf in a gay bar. Nonetheless, I needed some meat, so a small table opened up by the bar inside and I grabbed it. The waiter was pretty cool and I began to order some Patron Margaritas, (awesome stuff, but too much of a good thing?????) a burger and fries. A little bit after I sat down, another guy by himself sat down at the table next to me. He seemed to be a regular, because a number of people would stop by and say hello as he was seated. Midway through his meal, he broke the ice with, “What’s a straight guy like you doing at a gay bar like Mo’s?” I started to laugh and followed it with, “it’s funny you should say that. Is it that obvious how uncomfortable I look here?” He moved over to my table and we got into talking for quite awhile and he seemed to be a nice guy who was intrigued by my story. I even mentioned the blog as his first line fit beautifully with my life and experiences. We come from a different set of experiences in that he came out when he was 16 and I clearly did not. He thought I was 27 and believed that he was much older than I. I told him that I was older than that but I certainly appreciated the comments. He also said that he liked my smile and that I should smile more. (deep down I hate to smile) We talked for quite awhile, had some good conversation, laughed a bit, swapped phone numbers, and then he left for the night. Before he left, he did make an offer that if there was anything that I wanted to do, hint hint, while I was in town for the weekend, he would be open to it. I was obviously flattered, he was a decent looking guy, and did not know how to answer him so I simply said thanks. I got a text from him a little later, I responded to it, and that was that.

I talked with a few other guys from Tucson and then I met this guy from Sacramento. If I remember correctly, with him I broke the ice. However, I don’t remember what I said. He too thought that I was in my late 20s and I think he was in his early to mid 20s. Although he joked throughout the night that he was only 14. As you can see, age is a big hangup for me. The three times now that I’ve gone out to gay bars I’ve been told that I appear younger than I am, which makes me feel pretty good. However, now I’m beginning to wonder if that is just a flattering pickup line. But I digress. Oh Sac! Sac certainly knew what he wanted on Friday, and what he wanted was me. We talked for a few hours, I had too many drinks, and we left Mo’s a little after midnight. Looking back on it now, the second mind wandering adventure then occurred. I was leaving a gay bar with a cute guy and I did not look over my shoulder or have a care in the world. Now the two too many margaritas might have had something to do with it, but I believe it was more than that. We walked the streets a little bit looking for a cab, as he kept hitting me with a beach ball he took from Mo’s. We got back to the Westin and as they advertise, the bed was Heavenly! (haha) What I remember is this, we got in bed around 12:40 and he left at 4:56. I remember we kissed, he sucked, we canoodled, we spooned, we touched, and through mutual passion we created heat. As you recall, my one goal for this trip was to experience kissing another guy. So I’m pleased that I met my goal! It’s what I don’t remember that scares the hell out of me. I don’t remember dozing off during our time together, but I also don’t remember all that we did for those four hours. I also noticed in the middle of our romp when I went to the bathroom that I had four ovals on my shoulders and traps in various shades of cranberry. (thankfully none were on my neck) When I saw those my mind just went silly and I began to think the worst. (my first time, and what did I catch, etc….) My last girlfriend never exuded that much suction so it’s clearly been some time since I had one, and I don’t remember him being in one place for that long. Well except this other place. But that’s what has me so frightened. What other things could have happened that I don’t remember? And a side question, are hickeys big in the gay world?

Sac left just before five because he was in town with his family to attend his brother’s graduation. I’ve read other people's stories, so before he left, I checked for my wallet, phone, and other key things. I couldn’t find them, so I had Sac call my cell. When I found the cell I found everything else. I then remembered that I hid them in my luggage when we first got back to the hotel when he was in the bathroom. So I have Sac’s cell phone number and his fingerprints on the beach ball. I’m thinking of running a reverse phone search to get all of his data just in case. Am I crazy in fearing the worst in a situation where I simply just lost control and can't remember everything? I'm sure he's just a young, innocent, good guy. Right?

Saturday was a day of recuperation and reflection. I had lunch at the Yardhouse, they have a great spicy chicken sandwich, had a hangover till 3, and spent most of the day walking around the marina district. When I got back from walking I caught the tail end of History of the Joke with Lewis Black. I have to watch this in full, but I mention it because over these last few months I have begun to smile and laugh again. This show just brought that front and center and reminded me why laughter is so important. Once again the timing of it being on was funny. My friend Bob was in town for his granddaughter’s graduation so we met up at the The Palm for dinner. Since Bob is one of the four people who know what’s going on in my life, it was nice to let him know what happened a few hours earlier. I even joked that he was probably sitting next to the guy I was with. Where I felt my age was on Saturday night. Having achieved my goal, not wanting to drink again, and wanting to continue to reflect, I walked around the Gaslamp and then went back to the Westin.

The first thing that I noticed when I woke up on Sunday was that Sac called late on Saturday. He didn’t leave a message but the phone shows he called. Hmm, did he want a repeat or did he want to warn me about something?

Another reason for my visit to San Diego will become evident in the coming weeks. In preparation for that, I wanted to discover and see what San Diego was about. On Sunday, I spent most of the day doing just that. I walked from the hotel to Hillcrest, looked around the neighborhoods, walked through Cortez Hill, Balboa, Little Italy, and down by Pantoja Park. I walked a lot! I thought Little Italy had a much more vibrant and active street scene than Hillcrest had. That surprised me. Since I have a sweet tooth, for lunch I ate at Extraordinary Desserts . They have AWESOME desserts and if you love chocolate as much as I do I highly recommend it. (and since I walked a lot, the calories didn’t bother me) On Sunday night I went out to Universal . Universal is a new, more swanky restaurant and club in Hillcrest. Their goal is to be a mixed club that caters to both hetero and homo customers, albeit with the homos being the larger proportion. I left the hotel and got to Universal just before 8. Suprisingly, it wasn’t too crowded. That fit me fine. I got a great table out on the patio with a view that allowed me to see everyone as they entered. Before I sat down, I was also told by the hostess, a pretty blond chick, that the club side will be opening up at 9. Perfect! I’ll eat and have a few drinks for an hour and then go next door. Well, I ate and had a few drinks but at 9:15 I was told that the club wasn’t opening up tonight. How the f-ck does the club not open up on a Sunday of a holiday weekend, and more importantly why didn’t you tell your staff? I let it go and tried to just enjoy myself. Since the club wasn’t open, the patio area was filling up and it wasn’t a particularly large space. Unlike on Friday, I felt like I stood out more here. From when I was eating alone at my table to when I was standing up, I just felt more awkward. When in reality, I shouldn’t have because I fit their mixed theme, is he straight or is he gay? Which coincidentally is what I heard these two guys behind me asking. I didn’t see any other guys by themselves. Everyone was in groups so I had another two beers and left. I passed by Rich’s, which was another club a few buildings down, but they didn’t seem to be going off either so I headed back to the hotel.

So there you have it. I left San Diego this morning hoping and praying that the only thing that came back with me were the positive memories, feelings, and excitement of my first “experience” with another guy, a beach ball, and the above advertisement of a cool looking hotel on the beach I plan on staying at the next time I’m in town. (you gotta love airbrushed HOT guys with a chest like that!) I also hope that G-d's one lesson for me, which I have definitely learned, from the fear and aftermath of my first experience was that I can not allow myself to lose control like I did on Friday night. My health and life are too important to me for me too jeopardize everything by drinking one too many drinks and not knowing nor remembering what I did. I am also very proud of the fact that I am actually doing this and starting to really step forward.



Jimmy Eat World-"Praise To Chorus"