Thursday, January 22, 2009

Risk/Reward

I have really tried over the last week to formulate my thoughts and write about what’s been going on these last two weeks, but honestly it has been very difficult. Since I began writing Stand Straight, this has been the first time that I really have had this problem. A lot has happened, events that have been both positive and negative, but I just found it has been very difficult to write about these things.

I’m hopeful, yet extremely terrified that I may have made a mistake. Terrified with the feeling that I may have forever changed a relationship that has been so positive for me. I may be making too big a deal about this, and I probably am, but since it’s been so long and I’m not sure what the gay dating mores are, that uncertainty has me terrified.

So what has me so terrified? Well, I asked a friend out on a date. Having known him, and having shared many a good times with him over the last few months, my feelings for him began to change. I don’t quite know what my feelings mean, but what I do know is that they are different today then what they were in late December. Ironically, it was what another date who I met out on Monday said that got me into thinking about my relationship with my friend.

So we spoke over the phone on Tuesday and I simply asked him out on a date. Nothing more, nothing less. I completely surprised him and his response was, “A date, date?” We spoke for another 20 minutes or so and it was a good conversation. He admired how open and honest I was, and thought I had balls for asking him. We will get together in the next few days to discuss this in person to determine what, if anything comes next.

(and in full disclosure this friend is one of the two guys whom I've told about Stand Straight since my arrival in LA)

8 comments:

tnmustang said...

Just be careful!! If you truely want his friendship, then the next step or "sex" can ruin it. I lost a great friend becasue my feelings changed toward him (i fell in love with him) and when we finally had sex, it ruined the friendship. That was the biggest mistake of my life!! I would give anything to have the friendship back!!

queer heaven said...

Dan,
We all know it is very tricky to begin to date a friend.
My advise is to take the dating thing slowly with him.
Let him make any sexual advances first.
Remember, some of the longest & best sexual relationships started when the 2 individuals were best friends.

queer heaven said...

Dan,,,,,I forgot to thank you for adding my blog to your list!!!

queer heaven said...

Yikes!!!!!!!
I just noticed that I called you Dan!! Sorry Aaron.

BillOhio said...

The best relationships start off as friendships. However I think your post is intentionally vague so I'm not sure what else to say other than go slow and realize that it is OK if he doesn't feel the same. You still have the friendship.

silverrrcloud said...

I have had both kinds of experience with the matter at hand.

The first one was an overly negative one. The 'sex' ruined our friendship as my best friend quickly drifted away from me, trying to make sure that he was not 'gay'. (He remained an unhappy, closet case living a very withdrawn life somewhere in the middle of nowhere.) Fighting his 'gayness' came to dominate both his thoughts and his actions. There was little or no energy left for anything else.

My second similar experience, several years later was a completely positive one. We grew closer, even better friends. He says that he feels that the sexual aspect of our relationship deepens our friendship. There is a strong bond there, too. His interest in other men remained very limited, so far and save for our ever recurring sex, he is heterosexual.

It always takes two to tango. A grown-up man must know how to say 'NO', if he wants to do so, and he ought to be mature enough to understand what is ahead of him, if he accepts your advances.

It seems that both of you are attaching huge importance to that notion of a 'first date'. I'd lighten up there. You are friends. Go out, have a drink and a dinner and open up a bit more. See, where this takes you to.

SC

Anonymous said...

Was on the other side of this scenario. I was friends with a guy who wanted a more romantic relationship and i wasn't feeling it. This other guy "dumped" me as a friend. It was tough, it was a time when I didn't have a lot of friends. But, in the end it was probably for the best.

Adam said...

Thanks all for sharing your experiences and offering advice. I appreciate it.