Angst

So here we go
And again I say
Another boy
And my hearts at play

This should be fun
For I like him so
He makes me smile
And to that he knows

I think it’s mutual
So I’m led to believe
But the skill set I doubt
Is in reading tea leaves

That is my one regret
In coming out in life so late
Having had none of the experiences
In dating other male mates

I feel like this is a broken record
And on many days it gets me down
Wondering when the day will come
Of a blessing from my king without a crown

Is that too much to ask of my faith
For the happiness that I so seek
I just wish my mind wasn’t my worst enemy
In making situations appear so bleak

Deep down I know they really are not
As I seem to just be overanalyzing again
But for me I continue to find it hard to know
When to make the right moves with men

Should, woulda, coulda, didn’t
For every word that I didn’t say
As I lie in bed I toss and turn
Wondering if I let him slip away

Maybe I paint a picture
Of which he views as incomplete
Leads him to question
Does he really want to go to sleep

But I really really do
Want to kiss him tonight
To feel his soft skin
And wake up with him when it’s light

I’m a bit nervous and scared
Confused and maybe a tad weak
Wondering what to make of us
For when we next speak

As I am now a bit more emotionally vulnerable
With a feeling of nakedness at the core
What’s left is for my mind to wonder
As to what exactly is in store.......

Sleeping Alone

As I lay awake
on this lonely night
The thoughts that race
in this never ending fight

Have I gone mad,
have I lost my mind
The sadness runs deep,
it is so unkind

The quest for love
is such an arduous task
It is easily apparent
why one may reach for the flask

The world could be cruel,
could be mean, could be unfair
What I can’t seem to comprehend
Is why there is such a chill in the air

The lies, the selfishness,
the lack of depth to so many
Why do I allow myself to go after
the inconsiderate, self-centered, and meaningless boys of plenty

As the frustration and angst
continues to snowball and grow
My failure to date belongs to me,
that I accept and that I know

And so I write
cause I can’t seem to sleep
Left to wonder
if, when, and whom I will meet

Will today be the day,
as the sun begins to rise
Or will the sun set on Sunset,
with me wondering the same thoughts as I try to close my eyes

that fishy kitty feeling

I'm such a chump! I've been looking forward to this weekend since my trip to LA in April, and here we are the night before and I'm ready to go hide again in the closet. This is what I deserve as the consequence for waiting so loooooooooooooooong! I am just terrified of going to gay bars and clubs alone. Going to the bar will not be the issue, it's what I do inside of it which is my problem. As I experienced in April, I just felt so intimidated as the lone wolf, scratch that lone puppy. It's embarrassing. I'm too old to be this frightened, but I guess that's my lot in life. How do you pick up guys? What do you say? How do you make your move? It shouldn't be this hard. So now you know that I am a





From what I've read Hillcrest should be more casual than LA, but then again I have a hard time doing casual, so we shall see.







Keane-"Is It Any Wonder"