Sleeping Alone

As I lay awake
on this lonely night
The thoughts that race
in this never ending fight

Have I gone mad,
have I lost my mind
The sadness runs deep,
it is so unkind

The quest for love
is such an arduous task
It is easily apparent
why one may reach for the flask

The world could be cruel,
could be mean, could be unfair
What I can’t seem to comprehend
Is why there is such a chill in the air

The lies, the selfishness,
the lack of depth to so many
Why do I allow myself to go after
the inconsiderate, self-centered, and meaningless boys of plenty

As the frustration and angst
continues to snowball and grow
My failure to date belongs to me,
that I accept and that I know

And so I write
cause I can’t seem to sleep
Left to wonder
if, when, and whom I will meet

Will today be the day,
as the sun begins to rise
Or will the sun set on Sunset,
with me wondering the same thoughts as I try to close my eyes

Time Flies

Has it really been 11 months since I opened up my apartment door in West Hollywood to the honesty of an authentic life, and the possibilities of finding out what true happiness may be?

Yes it has!

On June 1st, I moved out of my apartment in West Hollywood. On June 2nd, I celebrated, or more like recognized the fact that I have not worked, for active monetary compensation, in one year. Wow, it’s been 365 days.

The last few weeks have really been great. Socially speaking, I’m really finding a center and becoming much more comfortable with meeting people in the challenging L.A. market. The friendships that I’ve made continue to grow and I believe that I’m a bit more self aware and confident in flirting with other guys. What I believe has transpired is that I’ve grown. Over the past year, with the amount of time and dollars that I’ve spent towards my own self renewal, I’ve begun to recognize that life waits for no one. Time moves forward, never back, so too must I. The time has come for me to finally begin the process of moving on. The challenge that I now face is to use this new self assuredness to find a new equality in my life, which balances my desire for social, professional, and philanthropic success.

The first thing I need to figure out is where I’m going to live. As I write this, I still don’t know, and am currently homeless in the state of California, as most of my belongings are being stored with my movers. A decision won’t be made until I return from my upcoming trip. More than likely I will continue to call L.A. home but there is a small, yet unlikely chance that I will return to Phoenix. I was in Phoenix last week and I’ve begun to see Phoenix, and it’s gay community first hand. I’ve met some, and have begun to communicate with a number of cute Phoenix guys. But most importantly, what I tried to do while back in Phoenix was to be who I am, in the place that I called home for so many years. Returning to Phoenix caused me to pause briefly about where I should be and what would be best for my social, professional, and philanthropic future.

Downs and Ups

I know it’s been some time, so to continue, the day I returned to WeHo I was poisoned during lunch. That funny guy, with the big white head, pointy hat, funny facial expressions, who pops out of a children’s toy poisoned me. Bastard I tell you!

I used to love Mr. Box and his food, but not so much anymore.

Ethan planned an outing with some friends of ours that Wednesday night. The plan was to start at Hamburger Mary's for some bingo and then proceed to........... Unfortunately, within 30 minutes and before the second game of bingo even began, I sensed the inevitable. That the one activity in life that I HATED the most was quickly approaching. Having begun to sweat profusely, I abruptly said my goodbyes and was out the door on my way home.

I made it about fifty feet along Santa Monica Blvd. when I began to feel light headed. I knew I wouldn’t make it home, so I immediately went back to Mary’s and quickly darted to the bathroom. Upon arrival and having opened the door, I realized the bathroom was occupied with another guy. I waited patiently for him, in line with another girl, knowing that at any moment I was about to embarrass myself. I waited, and waited, and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. The bathroom door was unlocked and through the opening that I had left, when I had initially peeked in to see if it was occupied, I saw said guy turn away from the toilet. Since the guy was between me and the toilet, I rushed to the garbage can and out it came. In all its chunky glory my puke missed him by inches.

I immediately went home where I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my own golden throne depositing even more chunky goodness. For the next five days I hardly ate, had the runs, felt miserable, and besides a family gathering didn’t leave my apartment for any social activity.

Suffice it to say I was physically and emotionally bankrupt. Having spent the better part of the previous 8 weeks in Arizona, dealing with loss, change, and loneliness, I was excited, hopeful, and eager to return to WeHo. So to fall ill on the day I returned was like a figurative and literal punch in the gut. Once again, it brought me to evaluate and wonder what the reason and meaning of it all was.

Did I make a mistake in coming back to WeHo?

Have my decisions over the past 9 months been the correct ones?

Am I a better person today then I was yesterday?

Is there a fulfilling and prosperous career that awaits me here in Los Angeles?

Have I really begun to develop honest and true friendships here in L.A., having been accepted into those I consider friend's lives, or have I simply been fooling myself with relationships devoid of any deeper depth?

Am I happy with where I am sexually?

And what does my future look like?

Looking back over the last few weeks, I’m angry with myself. In not writing, I’ve hid behind the excuses of; self loathing, a lack of inspiration, and the personal belief that my story was told, which to some degree are all true, but in doing so I’ve neglected the personal benefits that writing has provided.

Like Father, Like Little Guy

Since my Little Guy's passing on the 17th I've done a lot of mourning, remembering, and thinking about the impact that he had on my life. So I found it a bit amusing that a few days after my return to L.A., the local NBC affiliate did a segment on their nightly news about the book Dogology . It's a book that basically describes what a dog's personality says about their owner. I haven't purchased or read the book, but after having watched the video segment on the news, I conducted some research about the topic online.

Many believe that it’s your dog’s breed that speaks volumes about what kind of owner you are. My Little Guy’s breed is known for being very playful and energetic. They love companionship and play, have plenty of spirit, courage, and are known for their curiosity. They can get bored easily if not kept entertained which could lead to some destructive behavior. They are intelligent and quick to learn, but can also be very independent and strong willed. They are very good at problem solving, being trained, and doing tricks.

Hmm....it looks like the milk bone didn’t fall too far from the tree.

Six (th)

For the life of me I’m trying to figure out what happened and if I did anything wrong. I first wrote about my friendship with Gene and how I may have changed it in my Risk/Reward post. Then on the 26th of January I had my follow up conversation with him that I subsequently wrote about in my Your Answer Please post. As I told him at the time, the timing for me to express all of this was atrocious, but it was important enough for me to express my feelings and be completely honest with him. I truly thought he respected that. I truly thought he appreciated that. (he did, because that's what he told me) Most importantly, I thought that the conversation we shared on the 26th was one where we both got to experience a more emotionally intimate and authentically pure side of each other than what we had previously experienced before.

I left our dinner incredibly excited. Unfortunately, On the 28th of January I traveled back to Arizona where I remained until the 20th of February. Although I like to present an image to the world that nothing emotionally effects me, it’s all a charade. I AM HUMAN and 2009 has been emotionally draining. From my quest to find intimacy, love, and sense of place in Los Angeles, to the experience of my final weeks with and the eventual passing of my companion and best friend, to the reality of formally moving to L.A., having finally moved my own furniture and property out from Arizona, to every financial asset I own in a perpetual state of valuation free fall with no bottom in site thanks to our irresponsible government (the Democrats, whom I voted for appear to have learned NOTHING as it relates to spending money we don’t have from the Republicans of the last 8 years) So suffice it to say, my 2009 has not started out very well.

All the more reason for me to have been excited to get back to L.A. on the 20th and see what was to come in my relationship with Gene. While in Arizona, Gene and I spoke and texted each other a number of times but never did we follow up on our conversation. Having returned, on Friday night I met up with him and another friend of mine, whom I’ll call Militant, out for dinner. It was a good time and I was glad to see them both again. Obviously with Militant there, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left it on the 26th. So on Saturday night I go out to dinner with Gene and Ethan. Once again, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left off on the 26th since Ethan was with us. After dinner we went dancing at CPop where we met up with some of our other friends. It was at CPop when my emotions of the last few weeks finally began to hit me. Midway through the night, I detached myself from everybody, found a spot along a wall, and began to become very glazed and reflective. I can’t even begin to imagine what others thought of me as I stared into the abyss reflecting on everything that has gone on in my life over the last six weeks. As they were leaving, Gene and Ethan found me and we all went home.

Since that night I haven’t spoken with Gene. We’ve attempted to communicate with one another, although I’ve begun to wonder how serious an effort we’ve made based on the times we’ve tried to reach each other. So my sixth sense takes me back to what I had ironically questioned in my Your Answer Please post.

Six days to wonder what the answer would be.


Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.


Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.

At this point, I sense Gene just wants to be friends and doesn’t want to explore what those other feelings each of us may have had in the past for each other may have meant. I’m cool with that, and I accept and respect his decision. His friendship has been very important to me and I’ve conveyed to him, on numerous occasions, how appreciative of him I’ve been. I only hope that Gene has the courage to personally convey his thoughts to me so we can move beyond what we created on the 26th and our friendship can move forward in a positive way.


“Human”-The Killers (Armin Van Buuren Radio Remix)

In Memory

I remember at the age of nineteen sitting on the pool deck of our fraternity house, with who would become your other two dads, discussing the idea of going out and finding you. I never had a dog growing up, so I was excited about the idea of getting one.

I remember traveling to Ahwatukee with Straitlord, who as it turned out you liked a lot more than your other dad, Baby Huey, to visit your birth family. We subsequently chose you and brought you home with us to the fraternity house.

I remember having mixed emotions at the time because I was so excited that you were now part of our family, but I also felt terrible that we took you away from your mom, dad, and siblings at the tender age of around two weeks old.

I remember how darned cute you were as a puppy. With your flopped over ears, tiny paws, black nose and eyes, and curled up little tail. I thought your most discernible feature was your pigment around your eyes. Your right eye was black and your left was pink.

I remember how Alice, who certainly didn’t need any help with the ladies, used to carry you around and use you as his wingman those first few months when we had sorority functions at the house, hoping to impress the girls with his softer side.

I remember how you were the first. Soon thereafter another brother brought T into the house. The two of you formed your own little puppy pledge class.

I remember how you and T used to dart down the hallway to get to the sand volleyball court where you would play and play and play until the two of you were exhausted and your tongues were double their size. You’d come back in with sand and T’s drool all over you, lie down next to your water bowl, and make a mess slurping up some water.

I remember how you used to love to dig in the volleyball court. I can vividly picture you digging with your snout in the sand, your front paws moving a mile a minute, sand flying backwards between your hind legs, and the hole you left behind.

I remember that as T began to grow larger than you, you seemed to have not noticed it nor really cared about his size. The two of you continued to rough house like when you were younger. You were never afraid of him, nor any of the other bigger dogs you used to play with later on in your life.

I remember us teaching you your one and only trick. Paw, other paw, and high five. You were really great at remembering them, but in truth, I am pretty sure you were just playing us for some more treats.

I remember how much you used to love to run. We’d be walking down the street of our first house on the way to the park, when with about 200 yards to go, I’d take you off your leash and watch you sprint the rest of the way to the grass. At the park, I’d attempt to chase you, but in most cases you were too fast and there was too much grass for me to cover. The image of your face and body running, with your coat swept back to your tail will never leave me.

I remember we’d play fetch, but half the time you had me fetching your ball or rope because after having fetched it, you’d drop it nowhere near where I was. Maybe you knew I had put on a couple of pounds at the time and you wanted me to slim down a bit.

I remember, while on the grass, how much you used to love lying on your side, then on your back, and then on to your other side. While doing that you used to love taking a bite out of the grass.

I remember coming home so many times to find you sleeping on my bed.

I remember in preparation for The Pipes overnight visit, I thought I would be cute and place chocolates, that I had brought back with me from a hotel I had stayed at on an earlier business trip that week, on their pillows. Only, The Pipes were never able to enjoy those chocolates because it was you my Little Guy who somehow found them on their bed while we were at dinner. You even ate most of the wrappers.

I remember how much you loved your next door neighbor S. She was much smaller than you, and despite you having been snipped years before, you would mount her from the back or either of her sides. We all had great fun watching you work on your abs.

I remember all the different names our friends had for you.

I remember how you used to occasionally mount, mainly from the sides, one of the bigger male dogs down the street and I was left to wonder........

I remember how much you used to love the closet. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I would come home looking for you, only to find you behind my hanging clothes in our walk-in closet. It wasn’t only in our house, but when you would stay at The Runners, I was told you spent a great deal of time in their closet as well. Again, I was left to wonder...........

I remember each time I took a business trip and had to drop you off at the boarding facility. I would watch you walk away with a tremendous amount of guilt.

I remember these last few months and how wonderful it was for us to spend them together. As much as you needed me over this period, I needed you more and I am thankful that you were there for me.

I remember our first drive back home to Arizona in early August. It was during this trip when I was to begin the process of coming out to the rest of our family and friends. Once we crossed the Colorado River into the state of Arizona, you decided to shit three times in the backseat of the car. I had to stop on three different occasions within the span of 45 minutes to clean it up. I was left to wonder what message you were trying to convey to me about what was to come on our first visit back home.

I remember it was during the Sunday of that weekend back in early August when the struggle in my life began to ease as yours unfortunately began to grow. In the span of six hours on that Sunday, I went from shedding tears for myself in having finally begun the process of coming out to my closest friends, to shedding tears for you in learning from the veterinary nurse about your heartbreaking experience overnight and hearing for the first time the conversation about your "quality of life" and when “is the right time.”

I remember our last Thanksgiving together as a family up at your grandparents house last November. I am thankful that you were able to spend some time with your cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents one last time.

I remember watching you devour a double double during our last Valentine’s Day together. You captured my heart the moment we brought you home.

I remember this time exactly one week ago, having arrived at the vet, splitting with you a 3 Musketeers candy bar. A 3 Musketeers because it represents the three of us who brought you into our lives. A 3 Musketeers because it is my favorite candy bar and it represents our shared love of chocolate. A 3 Musketeers because you were such a sweet dog, and I wanted your final treat to be a sweet one.

Of all the memories that I have of our time spent together, which are way too numerous to list here, what I will remember most my Little Guy was seeing you smile. You ALWAYS smiled and I will forever remember how much you loved life. The joy, learning, and love you brought to my life was immeasurable and I can’t even begin to convey to you how proud of you I was in how wonderful you turned out to be. I was incredibly blessed. You were a tremendous friend and companion, and I am so grateful that you were such a significant part of my life. You are, and will continue to be deeply missed, forever loved, and never forgotten!

Rest in peace my Little Guy, rest in peace!

First of the Anniversaries

It was a year ago today that my life changed. And it all started with this email to a complete stranger.

“I've been a reader of your blog for some time and I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write the blog and share with us the many experiences you've had over the last 2 years. For some of us, and speaking for myself, who don't know anyone in the community, your blog provides a small connection to the community and demonstrates the possibilities to those like myself who haven't quite been completely honest with themselves. So thanks again and I hope your '08 brings you true happiness, health, prosperity, passion, and the love of your life! L’Chaim!”

There was an unintended consequence in sending that email, and that was it exposed my true identity. I completely overlooked how my email was setup, so in truth, today is the day I first came out to somebody other than myself. I freaked out a bit when I received the reply addressing me by my real name. But looking back on it, I’m glad it happened as it happened. Coming out to this complete stranger was obviously a different experience, both meaningfully and emotionally, then coming out to my closest family and friends, but I’m thankful it happened when, and as it did.

So as it turned out, there was no turning back once I hit SEND on January 6, 2008!

And that’s what I’ll celebrate today. The fact that I took the initiative to change my life and it all began with this one email.

Change CAN be good!

2008, Consider the Cycle Broken!

It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.

The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.

So my journey began
with nothing but time on my side.
I found that as each week went by
fewer tears left my eyes.

It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.

So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.

I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.

I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.

So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!

2008 will be a year I'll never forget!

Sad & Disappointed

I just don’t know how to feel and what to think about this. That’s a lie. Maybe I do know how to feel and what to think. I’m sad and extremely disappointed.

Looking back on it now, I’m going to believe that my friendship with Reggie, whom I have always considered a close friend, must have been based on one shared common interest. That of our University. Clearly there must have been no deep personal depth beyond that. Reggie was the second friend I came out to (please see Loose Ends post), and the first in my peer group. He also was the only friend I had in L.A. when I moved out here in July. So one would believe, at least I did, that if one were to move to a new city where one knew no one, then one would be able to count on their long time friend to be supportive, helpful, and welcoming in that transition. At least in my case one would be wrong.

My first sense of doubt was the day I arrived in L.A. back in July. I arrived on a Sunday during the July 4th weekend and I had asked Reggie if he could help me for about a half hour when I arrived. After a 6.5 hour drive I wanted someone to watch my dog as I dealt with the apartment manager and all the paperwork that needed to be read and signed so I could receive my keys. In Reggie’s defense I asked him about 5 days before to help. At that time he didn’t know if he could help because he had a party to go to that day but he would get back to me. As would have it, I didn’t hear back from him until that Sunday as I was driving to L.A. and the answer was he was sorry but he wouldn’t be able to help out. (FWIW, I did express my disappointment to him, in person, about this the next time I saw him.)

My second sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve gotten together with Reggie once, a Friday night dinner out, since my arrival in LA.

My third sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve seen Reggie two other times for University sanctioned functions since July. The first was in October and I spoke with him for a couple of minutes. The most recent, in early December, I saw him at the beginning of the function where we said our obligatory greetings which lasted all of about 2 minutes. In the next 3 hours we did not say another word to each other. To his defense, or at least in full disclosure, Reggie knew a lot of people at these functions.

My fourth sense of doubt is based on the fact that Reggie has not responded to my facebook friend request that was sent out three weeks ago.

One of the things I had to prepare myself for in coming out was the possibility that my family and friends would no longer love or accept the real me. I am not at the point where I am going to indict Reggie and say that he doesn’t accept me for who I am, but I am just extremely disappointed in him. Friends are important to me, and I believe I have been a friend who has always been there for mine. Unfortunately, I don’t believe Reggie has been there for me over these last 6 months.

The Fray-”How to Save a Life”

For $99.96

I received:

92 days of access,

201 scientifically selected matches,

18 I thought may have worked,

12 of whom never responded,

2 of which I made it to the second round with,

and 1 Stand Straight post!


I never enjoyed science, although I enjoy Edilson, so I’m not sure why I thought I would be any good at Chemistry. I do take ownership in my results, or lack thereof, and now realize that matchmaking sites are not for me. I’m done with them. I was, and in reality am, extremely selective and did not meet a single person, in person, during my time on Chemistry. (or JDate for that matter) I’ve learned through these experiences that my personality and attitude are better suited for meeting people in the three dimensional world.

As for Chemistry, I had two problems with it. The first was that they advertise that you will receive five new matches a day. HA! After about 45 days as a member, it would take them up to two weeks to come up with my five matches, if they were able to come up with them at all. (I know our country is suffering from a lack of educated scientists, but come on. Pay your chemists a little more!) The second was that they market profiles of guys on their site that are no longer paying members. So if you receive them as a match, like what you’ve seen and read, and begin the match process, you’re screwed. They won’t respond. They can’t respond. I know this to be factual based upon my own personal experience.

faceTHEbook

Through the years I’ve never participated in nor appreciated the varied social networking sites on the net. I believe that was for a number of reasons. First, I was ashamed of who I was. I’m not sure if it was that I was ashamed of being gay or that I was just simply uncomfortable with how I was living my life, but either way I was not authentic or honest. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought and the action, of showing and sharing myself with others. Second, I’m a competitive person and at times I have a problem with looking at things solely as a competition. I have always perceived the social networking sites to be a contest for those who want to play, collect, and show the world how many friends, or more accurately pretend friends they have. Actually pretend friends may be a bit harsh, so lets just say acquaintances. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought of competing on these sites in a game of who has the most friends. Third, I’m too old for these sites. These sites were initially created by and for the youth of today. So what possible value could they have offered a guy over 30?

Having just sat down to finish the rest of this post, and after having watched the movie MILK this afternoon with some friends, I feel awful. (MILK was inspiring and I highly recommend that you all see it)

I’m ashamed that I turned into this guy who was, and to be honest still is, consumed with what others think of him. What others perceive of me, I believe, is still having an impact on how I live my life. In many ways it’s a negative impact and it’s no one else’s fault, or problem, except my own.

This is all relevant because my friend out here in LA named Gene, who as I’ve mentioned before is having quite the impact on me, got me to change a few weeks ago. Him and some of his friends had a great Halloween skit/show that they performed for the crowds at the WeHo Halloween party. It just so happened that they videotaped it and Gene put it up on his facebook page. Joining facebook was the only way he would allow me to see it. On top of that, he took pictures of our very gay night out rollerskating a few weeks ago. Once again, facebook was the only way he would allow me to view the pictures. (I know, Gene’s such an ass) He prodded and prodded, so I finally joined facebook a few weeks ago with the sole intent on viewing the stuff that was previously forbidden. After having viewed the pictures from the costume party, I perceived myself to be dressed in an outfit that was SO GAY. Seeing myself made it very easy to let facebook just sit there. Once again I stepped back into the closet by choosing not to let my family and friends share in my life. It was just a costume and I am gay, but I guess all I thought about was what my family and friend’s perception of me would be based on those images. Are they going to think that Adam is SO GAY out there in California? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Thankfully, a new perspective was gained over the last few weeks during my trip back home to Phoenix. Having had some time to think, having spent some time with family and friends, and having had a conversation about facebook with my friend Runner, allowed me to see how foolish I had been. With all that said, I am ready to face the book and share my life. My initial batch of friend requests have been sent out.

Trik Turner-"Friends and Family"

Week that Was

It’s been an emotionally exhausting last seven days. (for a reason I intend to write about in the future)

I’m home in Phoenix and have been so since the 24th. I’ve enjoyed spending time during the Thanksgiving holiday with family and close friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with those who have been, and still are important people in my life.

A few of the highlights with Stand Straight relevance include:

A dinner with one of my younger cousins, who lives out here in Arizona, and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother, and sister-in-law. This had been the first time that I’ve seen my cousin since I came out and it was great getting together. She was really happy for me and noticed how relaxed and free I appeared to be. After dinner, I along with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law all went to a gay bar for a few drinks. While I enjoyed going to a gay bar with them, it was a Monday and the place was empty. As they say it’s the thought that counts. haha

A luncheon with a close friend where the topic of Prop 8 and 102, the recent amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida, the Mormons, civil rights, adoption, and discrimination came up. We are both very optimistic about life and genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people. I believe that he believes all Americans should have equal rights. Where we differ is in the question of whether that inherent goodness in people has translated into full equality, both in opportunities and rights, for all Americans. He asked me this question, “Have you ever been discriminated against?” I answered, “No.” I haven’t in the past, but as I told him many other people have. Since August, and especially more so now since the election I FEEL, and more importantly I legally AM, less equal. An OPPORTUNITY is no longer there for me to strive towards the achievement of a goal. And when an opportunity is no longer there for someone, what’s the incentive for that someone to work towards achieving that goal. Throughout my life I’ve always had goals. Goals which have pointed me in a focused direction towards the achievement of a higher level of success. Whether it was running marathons, attaining professional success and recognition, or even writing this blog. (to name just a few) So the question I have for the heterosexual and majority community is this:

In the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave; what love, relationship, and familial goals should I, a man who happens to be gay, work to achieve?

I believe all these equality issues are really as simple as that, and the answers to it will certainly expose the discrimination that’s espoused and supported by those I respectfully disagree with on these societal issues. (and btw, my friend and I may disagree on how we go about achieving full equality, but he does not fall into the category of espousing discrimination)

Although an emotionally difficult day, Thanksgiving with the family was an enjoyable one. I do have a lot to be thankful for and being blessed with such a loving and wonderful family is just one of those things. Since it has been a few months since I’ve come out to them, it was an interesting day to gauge their comfort level with things that I could share and talk to them about. My mom is clearly ahead of my dad. I separately spoke with both of them about my first date the prior week. My mom asked a number of questions, whereas my dad made a comment that he was happy for me but quickly changed the subject. It has, and still is taking me time, so I can certainly understand, and quite frankly expect that this will continue to be a coming out process for him as well.

On Saturday night I went back to the one club that I had ventured to on my last trip home in September. (please see If It Weren't So Funny I'd Cry post) First off, I believe I saw Luis again and it appears he has been working out. Second, I conducted some intense research in preparation for this visit and was told that on Saturday nights this was supposedly the place to be. I arrived at 10:20PM and my sister-n-law (SNL) joined me shortly thereafter. I found it to be a bit sparse throughout most of the night. One room was pretty crowded while the other was not so much. I can only assume that the light crowd was attributable to Saturday falling on a holiday weekend. Nonetheless there were a number of hotties, and I pointed out mine about 20 minutes into the night. Like all of my other not so fulfilling bar/club excursions, here’s this week’s version.

So my hottie came with another guy who was average looking. I believe he was the hottest guy in the bar. He was about my height, had blondish-brown short hair, smooth skin, a great body, and appeared to be a bit more muscular than I. As I told my SNL, I’m typically not into guys bigger than me, but I thought he was hot. So for the next hour or so, my SNL and I had some drinks, talked, and walked between the two rooms looking for guys and listening to the music. As an aside, my SNL was even looked up and down by a very attractive girl who was seated at the bar. From what I could remember during this period Hottie and I did not make any significant eye contact. I also observed that Hottie and Average displayed no PDA throughout the night, so based on my prior experience I was preparing an approach. The two of them had been dancing for a number of songs when Disturbia, by Rihanna, came on. (please see City of Wonder post on the meaning I place on this song) My SNL and I hit the dance floor and positioned ourselves right next to Hottie and Average. When Disturbia ended, a crappy song followed and about a quarter of those dancing left the floor. At the time, Hottie and Average did not. Since the song sucked I walked to the DJ to put in a few requests. Apparently when I walked by Hottie, my SNL heard him tell his friend, “He’s smokin!” Upon hearing this shocking news my SNL then went up to Hottie and asked, “Do you think my friend is cute?” Hottie replied, “Yes, I think your friend is cute.” So I returned from the DJ to my SNL and she tells me the story. The problem at this point was that Hottie and Average had already left the dance floor before I returned. My SNL and I then left the dance floor and after a few minutes went looking for the two of them but they were nowhere to be found. They must have left the club, and this was before midnight. Once again I left a club disappointed, and this time around with a whole new set of questions to ponder and one final comment for my SNL, “Tonight has been the story of my gay life.”

I met up with the Sugarwaters (Pop and Fizz) whom I hadn’t seen in some time and who I’ve know for years. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to meet up with them during my September visit, so I came out to them over the phone in October. It was wonderful to get together with them and to see their two cute and extremely social kids. We had a great conversation where I learned that Fizz was a huge fan of Stand Straight. :-) It was very flattering, but more so rewarding, to hear some of their comments because it meant that my second goal for writing Stand Straight has been achieved. (please see Break It Down post for my three goals of Stand Straight) And Fizz, sorry, but I have no plans for taking any blog tours around the country with the cast of characters from Stand Straight. As a consolation, maybe I’ll have the cast sign a pair of Stand Straight boxer/briefs that you can have Pop wear. (Wow that just gave me a business idea!)

First Date

Due to a really great family moment for one of my friends, whom I had plans with on Friday night, I thought it would be best for us to postpone our plans. As such, I decided to push up my date from Saturday brunch to Friday dinner.

I thought the date went really well. He’s definitely my type, we had great conversation, and he seems to be a good guy.

What I really took away from the evening, beyond having a good time with a quality guy, was my own growth. Honestly, I didn’t know how I would handle being on a “date” with a guy in a public place. We went to a restaurant in Brentwood and the place was packed. Looking back on the night, there were only two brief moments where I thought that others were looking at us as gay men. I’m saying that as a thought I had, but not one in which others may have actually been looking at us in that way. And as I said, there were only two moments and they happened in the beginning of the date. The first was when we were on our way to the restaurant and stopped at a traffic light. The car next to us on the driver side had a girl in the passenger seat and a guy in the driver’s seat. The girl was looking at us and I happened to make eye contact with her. She then turned to the guy in the driver’s seat who then turned to look at us. The second brief moment was when we first entered the restaurant. After those two moments, I didn’t care nor think about being gay, or what others may have thought about me the rest of the night.

When we left the company of each other the following question was outstanding. Which TV series used Time of Your Life by Green Day in it’s series finale? Friends or Seinfeld? My date believed it was used in the finale of Friends. I knew better and told him it was used in the finale of Seinfeld. So an hour later the following text conversation occurred:

Date: You were right, it was Seinfeld

Me: I hate to be cocky but I am usually right. Haha. So what do I win?

Date: Lol, I HATE being wrong! And I like cocky guys, think its hot, I guess you win a 2nd date with me, I know I’m very generous

Me: Well then I look forward to seeing u when we both return to LA

Date: Sounds good!

Me: Have a good night!

First date down, and G-d willing many more to come.

Hyde and Seek

“You’re like a little boy in a candy shop.”

The text message I received from a friend this morning at 12:37AM upon learning that I went to Hyde for some late night/early morning fun. Indeed I was one of many “little boys” who ventured to Hyde last night looking for some sweets. It was the first time that I had ever gone out on a Tuesday, let alone to Hyde where Tuesday is gay night, and I’ll tell you this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Hyde is a really small bar/lounge on Sunset which had a very intimate vibe to it, not to mention incredibly expensive drinks. The clientele skewed younger and it was inspiring to be a part of that youthful, gay exuberance with guys who were there just to have fun and not think. My only problem is that I just can’t have fun. I ALWAYS have to THINK!

I had tons of fun last night and initiated most of the conversations that I had with other guys. (full disclosure, I went to Hyde with 1 friend) I was particularly attracted to this one guy, I’ll call him J, who was extremely cute in both body and face. I initiated my first conversation with him when we were both standing about 14 feet back from, well really in front of the bar while our friends, my 1 and his 4, were getting drinks. I initiated some small talk with J which lasted about a minute or two. When my friend came back with our drinks we moved back into the main room.

Shortly thereafter J and his friends came back into the main room and were standing not too far from us. When I had the opportunity, I moved in on J and told him that I thought he was cute. We spoke for a few minutes and that was that. He and his friends then left the main room and all I could think about was that I must have spooked him by being so forward. As the night wore on I reckoned that he must have told his friends that I approached because I got many glances from them. As the night was coming to a close J and his friends were between me and the door. I was talking with my friend and two other guys, and I saw J dancing with one of his friends. What completely shocked me was this. J, who again was closer to the door than I, came back up to me and said, “My friends and I are leaving and I enjoyed meeting you.” I responded, asked J a question or two, and we then said our goodbyes. Unfortunately, the most important question is the one that I DIDN’T ask. Duh, J what is your number?

So I’m left to wonder and reconcile why J took off to get back with his friends shortly after I told him that I thought he was cute, yet made it a point to go out of his way to come find me and say goodbye. Was he just being polite or was his action a sign of interest? I’m seeking answers, and now I’m seeking J!

Katy Perry-”Hot N Cold”

Life Moves Onward & Upward

The WeHo Rally (11/5/08)

The Mormon Temple Rally & March (11/6/08)


The Silver Lake Rally & March (11/8/08)


Having supported and participated proudly in the above three I am done with rallies and marches for the foreseeable future. I believe they have served their immediate purpose and I am done listening to our community shaming everybody except ourselves. With that being said, I am extremely hopeful that this defeat will be our communities wake-up call to ACTION. I hope that the passion, pride, and participation displayed over the last few days will be there over the next 2 to 4 years as we prepare and WORK to take this issue back to the voters. (I am no legal expert but I am doubtful the courts will rule in our favor and overturn the 11/4 vote.)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After the rally on Saturday I went out to dinner with some friends in Silver Lake where we decided to join up later at night with another one of their friends at some guys costume, birthday party at a roller skating rink. (was told it was a straight party made up primarily of aspiring actors and actresses) Since we didn’t have any costumes, a good friend of mine I’ll call Gene suggested that we go find some ribbons and create some outfits based on a Xanadu theme. (Beyond hearing the Xanadu song at the rink, I still have no clue as to the concept of our costumes and how they related to Xanadu.) Anyway, we each chose a color and since I was wearing blue jeans and blue CK boxer briefs I decided on the color blue. We stopped by Ralphs, a grocery store, where we got some free ribbons from the balloon department. Next stop was another friend’s house where we tied the ribbons around our upper arms and head, and where I received a blue, sleeveless, camouflage shirt in size S to complete my outfit. (I’m not sure if it’s funny or sad, but I felt good, or at least I thought I looked good in my costume when I was wearing it. Having since seen the pictures, I keep wondering what I was thinking wearing what I did.) We got to the rink at about midnight and skated, mingled, and had a great time for the next 2 and a half hours.


Since there were no other gays in attendance, or so I was told by my friend who has an astute gaydar, I began chatting up this girl. After about 5 minutes Gene came swooping in to cock block me. It was so funny and I knew what he was doing at the time. Gene knows most of my story and he’s been my second gay mentor. Over the last 8 weeks or so he has taught me quite a bit, challenged me to participate in new experiences, and overall helped me loosen up. (at least a little) He’s a guy who is just so comfortable in his skin and I admire the heck out of it. I know I’ve made some strides over the last few months but I am nowhere close to being at his comfort level. Anyway, Gene knew what he was doing when he cut in, and we laughed about it 15 minutes later. Roller skating was awesome. It took about a half hour and a second pair of skates for me to become comfortable on them again, but once I did I had a blast. To top it all off, in the 2.5 hours that we were there, I only fell on my ass once. And that was only because I thought it would be cute to jump in front of a picture being taken of my friends as we were skating out on the rink. Clearly I got what I deserved and did not make the picture.

On Sunday afternoon, I went down with a friend to Santa Monica with the intent on renting bicycles to ride to Venice. Unfortunately, when we arrived the rental shop was not renting bikes due to the high winds. We left the beach area and decided to have lunch and walk around and window shop the Shops on 3rd St. Promenade. During our late lunch we learned that my friends family was on the pier. As the sun set on the chilly afternoon, we bought some Hot Chocolate from Leonidas and walked back down to the pier. I met my friend’s family and they bought us all tickets to ride the relatively new Ferris wheel on the pier. It was dark, cold, and windy up at the top, but the views were great and it was a fun experience.



And Life Moves Onward & Upward!

Bob Sinclar-"Love Generation"

"Why must the children play in the street, broken hearts and faded dreams.
Peace and love to everyone that you meet. Don't you worry it could be so sweet.
Just look to the rainbow, you will see, the sun will shine to eternity.
I've got so much love in my heart, no one can tear it apart.
Be the love generation!"

Uncovering K P R

On Wednesday I received an email from an old friend of mine I’ll call Mr. Tigerliver. He had read some of Stand Straight since I made it available to my family and friends and had a suggestion. He suggested that,

“You might want to edit some of that if you still want to run for Congress! Some of it is fairly graphic, and not because of orientation... more based on detail, word choice, and that fact that your mom reads it.”

I posted the "Dear Family and Friends" post on a Thursday and I emailed my family and friends during that weekend, so I did give some final consideration to Mr. Tigerliver’s subsequent suggestion before I even emailed it out. (as well as even having second thoughts about opening it up at all) After a whole lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be true to myself, and my initial intent, and allow the blog to speak for my life in all it’s unedited rawness.

So on Wednesday I received Mr. Tigerliver’s email and on Wednesday night the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur began. Yom Kippur is our 25 hour period of atonement and from what I learned from the rabbi during our services, variations of the word go back to the root of the Hebrew letters k p r. (kaf/pey/resh) Our rabbi said that multiple meanings embedded with these letters include; to cover or to conceal. On Yom Kippur we are asked to afflict ourselves and to confront the wounds that we caused by our sins. Yom Kippur then offers us protection like a cover against the punishment of G-d on the day when the book of life and death is sealed for another year.

As I sat in the synagogue and listened to the rabbi’s discussion about the meanings of Yom Kippur I was drawn back to Mr. Tigerliver’s email and his suggestion of editing Stand Straight. I believe editing is a form of covering and concealing and I know I did that for far too long. So I emailed him back,

“So to your suggestion the answer is NO! When I run for congress I will be an open book. The honest truth. Voters will either like and respect that or they won’t. (with my new attitude I don’t give a shit)”

I hope that my life and blog will help all of us learn about each other and our collective futures. Coming out later in life gives me, so I believe, a different perspective on what it is like being gay in America today. (compared to many gays who I believe have been mentally and emotionally beaten down, and as such may believe they are second class, through the years by attitudes like those exposed in the article below from the Yes on 8 campaign here in California) I believe the only difference between a gay and straight person is whom G-d CREATED that individual to be SEXUALLY attracted to. As such, I’ll be damned if I am going to accept having any less rights or opportunities than all of my straight friends. (According to the U.S. GAO there are over 1,000 different rights at stake with the term Marriage)

SAN FRANCISCO, October 11 – In the same week that the No on 8 campaign launched an ad that labeled as “lies” claims that same-sex marriage would be taught in schools to young children, a first grade class took a school-sponsored trip to a gay wedding.  Eighteen first graders traveled to San Francisco City Hall Friday for the wedding of their teacher and her lesbian partner, The San Francisco Chronicle reported.  The school sponsored the trip for the students, ages 5 and 6, taking them away from their studies for the same-sex wedding.  According to the Yes on 8 campaign, the public school field trip demonstrates that the California Supreme Court's decision to legal same-sex marriage has real consequences.  



"Taking children out of school for a same-sex wedding is not customary education.  This is promoting same-sex marriage and indoctrinating young kids," said Yes on 8—ProtectMarriage.com Campaign Co-Manager Frank Schubert.  "I doubt the school has ever taken kids on a field trip to a traditional wedding," Schubert said.  



When asked by the Yes on 8 campaign, The San Francisco Chronicle reporter said she did not know if the school had ever sponsored a field trip for students to a traditional wedding.  Telling the Chronicle that the field trip was "a teachable moment," the school's principal believes it is perfectly appropriate for first graders to attend a same-sex wedding.  Officials in other school districts disagree.  



"Prop. 8 protects our children from being taught in public schools that 'same-sex marriage' is the same as traditional marriage," said Santa Ana Unified School District board member Rosemarie "Rosie" Avila.  "We should not accept a court decision that results in public schools teaching our kids that gay marriage is okay.  That is an issue for parents to discuss with their children according to their own values and beliefs.  It shouldn't be forced on us against our will," Avila added.



The lesbian teacher's wedding was officiated by San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom.  Newsom is featured in a Yes on 8 television ad, released last week, in which he arrogantly declares of same-sex marriage:  "The door's wide open now.  It's gonna happen, whether you like it or not.

"

The Yes on 8 campaign's ads explain that if the voters do not overturn the California Supreme Court's same-sex marriage ruling, teachers will be required to teach young children that there is no difference between gay marriage and traditional marriage.  “It's totally unreasonable that a first grade field trip would be to a same-sex wedding," said Chip White, Press Secretary for Yes on 8.  "This is overt indoctrination of children who are too young to understand it.”  The field trip underscores the Yes on 8 campaign’s message that unless Prop. 8 passes, children will be taught about same-sex marriage in public schools.  “Not only can it happen, it has already happened,” White said.

I’m not going to argue or debate the merits of taking a first grade class trip to a gay wedding (it IS debatable even though we are at a historic CIVIL rights moment in our nation’s history), but I believe the undercurrent of ignorance, prejudice, discrimination, and hate is very apparent in many of the quotes throughout the Yes On 8 press release.

As for my further uncovering, I have taken what Mr. Tigerliver and others have expressed to heart. (because I know they care and are looking out for me) Will it influence my future postings? I don't know. What I do know is that exposure and education allows a society to advance. I hope through my writing, I have contributed to that in some small way.

Out of Sight Out of Mind

Not that I was ever in either of their minds but yesterday I saw both B and Z at the gym.

First off B. I called him by his first name and said hi to him as I was walking from the cardio area up to the weight area. He was walking in the opposite direction to the cardio area. I don't believe he remembered my name. So after a few minutes I was quite surprised to see B right next to me up in the weight area during the second set of my first exercise. We made eye contact but no words were said. Nor was he doing any exercises. He was just standing there and once again appeared to be either talking to someone on his phone or listening to music. After a minute or two he was gone and I didn’t see him on the gym floor the rest of my workout.

So B, what gives? You seem like a nice guy, although it appears your life at the gym revolves around your smart phone. I’ve come up to you twice now and I’ll continue to say hello and ask how you are. I certainly hope that you would do the same. I’m a nice guy and I promise you I won’t bite.

As for you Z, it was nice to briefly talk with you again. It has been three weeks so I’ll let your forgetting the details of our little wager slide. Lucky for you I’m a man of integrity and it will be I who will most likely have to pay up. Although after your teams performance last night who knows. :) (plus it is I with the ulterior motives...haha) I did not ask Z out yet but it's just a matter of time.

And I figured out what it is about Z. I received an email today from a reader of Stand Straight and he referenced Adam from my Repressed Thoughts of Youth post. After my workout I laid out by the pool to work on my tan. (I look good with a little coloring :) ) After about an hour in the sun I was thinking about that email and it came to me, Z resembles Adam. From his hair to his skin to his body. I don’t know what it all means but it is pretty surreal.

What is also surreal but a bit off topic is the financial mess that our nation, and for that matter the world, may be in. So it was a bit humorous to have seen AIG's, one of the companies that is at the center of this worldwide financial disaster, latest direct mail solicitation which was received the day the shit hit the proverbial fan here in America. Talk about being Out of Sight Out of Mind. And I hope they change that last line to "We Help Create them Altogether!"

Adam Exposed

Well kind of.

I’ve thought long and hard, really from the start of my blogging experience, on whether I would ever post a picture of myself in any form on Stand Straight. One of the two guys who knew that I was blogging from the start recommended that I do. To which I vehemently opposed for a number of reasons. Stand Straight is not, and will never be about pictures of beautiful guys. (although you will occasionally see some) There are already a number of great sites and blogs that cater to that sort of thing. What Stand Straight has been and will always be about is me and my own personal growth in coming out, from a repressed state, as a gay man in 2008 America. As as I outlined in my very first post, Break it Down, one of the three goals in writing Stand Straight was for it to provide me with the opportunity to evaluate my own personal growth as my journey progressed.

Now that I’m back in Phoenix, I’ve had the opportunity to look back at my experiences over the last few months and reflect on how far I’ve come. I believe I have made some tremendous strides on a number of fronts but one of the two areas where I still struggle with is my body and having other guys look at it. I still find it very awkward and in some respects I remain a basket case when they do. I had one experience at the Abbey about a week ago where a guy, who was by himself, looked me up and down and then began to chuckle. I immediately began to wonder what the hell was he chuckling at. Was I excited? Did I spill ketchup on myself? Did my pee miss the urinal? Did a bird shit on me? Was cum dripping down my mouth? (no it couldn’t have been that) It freaked me out and I became totally self conscious. My night was ruined after that because every time from then on that someone would look at me, they reinforced that guy’s chuckle in my mind. When I finally arrived home I did a thorough inspection and everything appeared normal. (thankfully I couldn’t see inside my brain)

So in an effort to grow and become more comfortable with other guys looking at me, I now expose Adam.

Well kind of.








The two body parts that need the most work are ones that unfortunately I will not be sharing. (my two heads) Ironically, both of them may need professional help.

And if anybody who happens to read this thinks they know who I am, I ask that you please respect my identity and the therapeutic intent on why I chose to post these pictures. I sincerely appreciate it and thanks!

"Homo,

what did you do to deserve that?”

And so I was asked in Santa Monica on Sunday. I spent a good part of the day down there checking out the beach, the pier, and the 3rd St. promenade. I get back to my car, turn east on Santa Monica Blvd and start to drive back to WeHo. Santa Monica Blvd. is packed with cars going in both directions and as I’m waiting to go east three cars back at the 3rd St. intersection, a blue minivan pulls up next to me going west. My windows were down, I was by myself, and Rihanna’s Take a Bow was playing through my B&O speakers. As the minivan pulls up, the kid who was driving it says, “Homo, what did you do to deserve that?”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume homo was in reference to me and the rest to my car. Who the hell is he to call me a homo? Then his full comment infers that I, a homo, do not deserve a nice car. So if I don’t deserve a material object, I begin to wonder what else don’t I deserve?

I looked over at him in complete astonishment. The kid couldn’t have been more than 22 and he was driving around with his buddies in what I’m assuming was his mom’s minivan.

Homo! You got to be fucking kidding me.

Homo! I haven’t even kissed another guy since I got here.

Homo! I haven’t even sucked another guy’s dick since I got here.

Homo! I haven’t even fucked another guy since I got here.

Clearly I’m very emotional and have been hypersensitive these last few months, but this IS insane. I thought I was living in California. If you would have told me when I first moved out here that I would have received more action as a way of name calling then actual experience with another guy by the time September and my trip back to Phoenix rolled around, I would have called YOU insane. But here we are, seven weeks in and the tally is 4 to 0! Hey I get it, I need to make up for all those years of not being called names or picked on, but G-d don’t I also deserve for the positive and pleasurable experiences to occur now that I'm finally being honest and real?

On Saturday I went to a viewing party for my alma mater’s football game at a local bar where I met this girl. Let me step back a second and first mention that my alma mater is known for having beautiful women. Well little did I realize that we also have beautiful men. Beyond watching the game, I found myself checking out many, and I repeat many of the guys that were in attendance. I kept wondering throughout most of the evening whether any of the guys were gay? During the night I kept thinking how ironic it would be if I met a gay guy, from my University, in LA, at a football viewing party. Anyway, I just need to stop thinking.

Midway through the game this girl approaches me as I was sitting at the bar. She was a cute blond girl. We talked for quite awhile. I got her number, met her roommate, and she even came out to wait with me as the valet was retrieving my car. She was SO into me and I didn’t know what to do. And don’t think the irony wasn’t lost on me. I went out 1 night to a straight bar and was hit on by a cute girl. I’ve gone out 12 or so nights to the gay bars or clubs of WeHo, and what I would have given to have been approached by a cute guy.

So G-d, since I haven’t quite been able to figure out your message, can you be a little clearer. As a homo, what do I deserve?

Matisyahu-”King Without a Crown”

A Mile High & Equally Distant

I am gay and am now part of another “minority” group. (I don’t say that lightly because “minority” is more than just a label here, there are qualitative and quantitative opportunity differences for someone who is gay in America in the year 2008. But to be totally honest, I don't pretend to know all of those differences as I write this.) This weekend being gay in a straight America finally sunk in for me and hit me right where it hurts. As I had just come out to my family earlier in the week, I would classify this weekend as my first, personally speaking, “out” weekend. As such, it was some weekend to finally be real.

I arrived in Denver around 1:00pm. First stop was to go pick up my tux, then stop for lunch, and finally hit the road for a two hour drive up to Beaver Creek. (in Avon, CO) I arrived at our lodge at 4:30pm which gave me about 45 minutes to say my hellos, have two beers, and unwind a bit. Initially I felt at ease, happy, and excited to be up in the Rockies for my good friend’s wedding. Although none of my fraternity brothers that were in attendance knew the real me, I was glad to see them all and was looking forward to spending a good 38 hours with them. As it turned out, those 38 hours were some of the most challenging and reflective hours that I have had in some time.

Rehearsal dinner was held at Vail Village. (in Vail, CO) We rehearsed for about 20 minutes on this grassy knoll down by the creek and then had drinks and dinner at one of the restaurants in the Village. It was at the end of rehearsal dinner where I began to really mentally struggle. I was up at the bar when the bride and groom got everyone’s attention. They embraced and said their thanks to their family and friends for coming to join and celebrate with them on their special occasion. My eyes began to well so I had to step aside and compose myself. I am embarrassed to say this, but I believe that the feeling that I experienced at the rehearsal dinner was the first time that I truly felt what it meant to be gay and different from my friends of all these years.

At the conclusion of dinner, we drove back to Avon where a number of additional guests and family members were waiting for the bride and groom at a bar. Those guests included a number of close friends of mine from Phoenix. We were all just talking, having some beers, an occasional shot, and having a good time. Because one of my friends is a runner, I told him, and hence all, about my recent underwear race in LA. I told him my time, which was awesome, and the context of how the race was run. Runner then said, “Is there something else you want to tell us?” My other friend from DC then said something to the effect of, “it doesn’t matter/whatever.” At that point I just wanted to say it but I couldn’t. It would have been completely inappropriate. So I just bottled it up and began to withdraw myself as the evening progressed. Not only did I have to mentally deal with my friends, but my bridesmaid partner, the girl who I walk down the aisle with, wanted me bad. She came up to me a number of times at the bar and wanted me to join her and the other girls. Midway through our time at the bar she came up and whispered in my ear, “you’re so hot!” I started to chuckle and just brushed it off as if I here it everyday. lol Finally, she came over one last time and I just told her that I wasn’t interested. By that time I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and there was no amount of alcohol that would have made a difference. Tuesday I STEPPED FORWARD, only to have stepped back by Friday. Friday night turned out to be a very difficult night and I did not anticipate that I would feel as crappy and distant as I did.

We all, the groom and groomsmen, woke up around 11:00am on Saturday and went to Beaver Creek Market Square and Village for lunch. At 4:15pm we took the shuttle up to the Spruce Saddle Lodge for pictures and the wedding. (funny side note, on the wedding agenda that they gave us it says, “Altitude reminder, we’re at 10,400 feet. Drink plenty of water, avoid excessive tobacco or alcohol consumption, and get plenty of rest.” Yet they had an open bar. So I guess that’s a way to save money.) Pictures lasted about 15 minutes so we had quite some time to get our drink on before we had to go to work. (I did pick up a new nickname during the wedding party picture session from my friend from Charlotte, GQ......further image development for those of you reading Stand Straight. hmm maybe I should wear a tux to the bars out in WEHO)

The wedding started and it was a wonderful ceremony. To see two people who are in love, and appear made for each other is a beautiful thing. As happy as I was for the bride and groom on their special day and at that specific moment, all I could think about was myself and the future that lay ahead for me as a gay man. To be standing up front during the ceremony watching the bride and groom, watching the invited guests, watching the priest, and listening to everything that was said gives one a unique perspective on which to view what a “marriage” ceremony is all about. It was during the ceremony where for the first time, I REPEAT THE FIRST TIME, in my life I felt like a second class citizen in my own country. I realized that the opportunity that my friends were enjoying, the commitment to each other that they were making, and the societal rights and benefits that they achieve together from that opportunity are not equally available to all of America’s citizens. As a gay man, whether I would ever choose to get married is irrelevant to the fact that the opportunity for me to do so is not universally there, and in the states that do allow it the fight continues. (Information provided by Ballotpedia.org)

Arizona Proposition 102, known by its supporters as the Marriage Protection Amendment, is a proposed amendment to the Arizona Constitution that defines marriage as between one man and one woman. It will appear on the November 4, 2008 ballot in Arizona. State law already prohibits same-sex marriage, and Arizona courts have upheld that ban. However, ban supporters contend it also needs to be in the Constitution in order to prevent future court rulings in favor of same-sex marriage.

California proposition 8 will appear on the November 4, 2008 ballot in California. It is variously known as the Protect Marriage Act, the Same-Sex Marriage Ban or the Limit on Marriage Amendment. If it passes, it will add a new constitutional amendment to the California Constitution that will have exactly the following text: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

Florida proposition 2, also known as the Florida Marriage Amendment and the Marriage Protection Amendment, is a proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Florida. The proposed amendment to the Florida Constitution will appear on the November 4, 2008 ballot. In order to pass, the amendment will require a 60% majority of those voting in the election. The amendment as written includes a clause prohibiting judges from overturning the law. The ballot title for the initiative says, “In as much as a marriage is the legal union of only one man and woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

Oregon ballot Measure 303 is also known as Referral of House Bill 2007 and the Oregon Family Fairness Act. It is a veto referendum. If the measure appears on the ballot, Oregon voters will vote on HB 2007, a bill passed in May 2007 and signed by Oregon's governor that confers benefits similar to marriage on civil unions (sometimes called domestic partnerships) between members of the same sex. Before HB 2007 was signed into law and took effect on January 1, 2008, marriage benefits in Oregon applied exclusively to marriages between a man and a woman.

When you begin to question whether the opportunities are there and if the rights are different, one has to wonder whether acceptance of someone who is gay is real and America’s citizens are truly equal.

The wedding reception for the most part was a good time. The drinks were free and the dinner was really good. (kudos to the chef on the fresh roasted tomato soup, the grilled elk tenderloin tournedos, and the spruce saddle brownie) The wedding cake was forgettable and the deejay was atrocious. (at least according to my musical taste) I went up to him and requested about 10 songs midway through the reception. He had about six of them so I asked that he play them. With 30 minutes left in the reception he had only played one. So I went up to him and said, “What’s the deal, are you going to play the songs that I requested?” He answered, “all of the other older ladies were requesting Motown hits.” (as he shrugged his shoulders) So I said to him, “you’re just terrible, terrible!” (as I walked away)

We got back to our suite at the lodge around 1:30am on Sunday morning. I set it up with DC and his wife to make sure they wake me up at 6:30am so that we could caravan back to DIA. (Denver International Airport) I also told them that there was something that I wanted to talk to them about. I tossed and turned for most of the morning and was up way before DC knocked on my door. We left our suite at 7:00am to head down to our cars. As we got to the elevator I began:

“I’m not sure if you remember but 2-1/2 years ago when I came out to visit you guys in DC you asked me a question while we were out at a bar in Adams Morgan. And then on Friday, Runner asked if there was something else I needed to tell you guys when we were talking about the race that I had just run in LA. Well there is something that I need to tell you and that is that I am gay.” To my great surprise, DC said he never suspected it and couldn’t remember what he had asked me 2-1/2 years ago. We then spoke for about 15 minutes about how I knew, my process of acceptance, coming out to my family earlier in the week, how difficult of a weekend this had been for me, and how for the first time in my life I had felt different, distant, and in a minority. DC asked about marriage and California. (on Friday I had told him and his wife that I got an apartment in LA and had been living there for the last 4 weeks and had been quite happy about the move) I told him about California’s prop 8 and then came clean that I was actually living in WEHO. He said, “Oh, if I knew that earlier then I would have definitely suspected it.” To which I jokingly replied, “That’s why I didn’t tell you guys.” Overall they were happy for me, and more importantly happy that I was happy. We embraced, and DC’s wife said, “this doesn’t mean we are going to name our son when he is born Adam.” We all chuckled, went to our respective vehicles, and left Beaver Creek.

In the first few minutes of the car ride I began to tear, not cry. (yeah I know, I’m a big puss) That lasted about 2 minutes as I then began to smile for what I had just done. The process of coming out to my friends had begun. Those feelings then gave way to a profound sense of sadness and anger. I left Beaver Creek with a sadness that for the first time I felt second class and distant, having realized that legally, in the country that I love, the joys, opportunities, and rights that those who I care most about can enjoy in this country unfortunately are not legally available to me. That sadness then turned into anger because in the America of 2008, the distance amongst her citizens is still too great.

Do you Adam promise to learn more about your new community, promise to love, cherish, and protect it, whether in good fortune or adversity from this day forward? I DO!

Do you Adam promise to make a difference in your new community, to give back to your community in words, dollars, and deeds from this day forward to make sure that our collective future is brighter than our past? I DO!

For Information and to Support No on Arizona’s Prop 102 please visit: http://www.votenoprop102.com/Default.aspx

For Information and to Support No on California’s Prop 8 please visit: http://noonprop8.com/home

For Information and to Support No on Florida’s Prop 2 please visit: http://www.votenoflorida.org/

For Information and to Support Basic Rights Oregon please visit: http://www.basicrights.org/?page_id=19