Angst

So here we go
And again I say
Another boy
And my hearts at play

This should be fun
For I like him so
He makes me smile
And to that he knows

I think it’s mutual
So I’m led to believe
But the skill set I doubt
Is in reading tea leaves

That is my one regret
In coming out in life so late
Having had none of the experiences
In dating other male mates

I feel like this is a broken record
And on many days it gets me down
Wondering when the day will come
Of a blessing from my king without a crown

Is that too much to ask of my faith
For the happiness that I so seek
I just wish my mind wasn’t my worst enemy
In making situations appear so bleak

Deep down I know they really are not
As I seem to just be overanalyzing again
But for me I continue to find it hard to know
When to make the right moves with men

Should, woulda, coulda, didn’t
For every word that I didn’t say
As I lie in bed I toss and turn
Wondering if I let him slip away

Maybe I paint a picture
Of which he views as incomplete
Leads him to question
Does he really want to go to sleep

But I really really do
Want to kiss him tonight
To feel his soft skin
And wake up with him when it’s light

I’m a bit nervous and scared
Confused and maybe a tad weak
Wondering what to make of us
For when we next speak

As I am now a bit more emotionally vulnerable
With a feeling of nakedness at the core
What’s left is for my mind to wonder
As to what exactly is in store.......

Six (th)

For the life of me I’m trying to figure out what happened and if I did anything wrong. I first wrote about my friendship with Gene and how I may have changed it in my Risk/Reward post. Then on the 26th of January I had my follow up conversation with him that I subsequently wrote about in my Your Answer Please post. As I told him at the time, the timing for me to express all of this was atrocious, but it was important enough for me to express my feelings and be completely honest with him. I truly thought he respected that. I truly thought he appreciated that. (he did, because that's what he told me) Most importantly, I thought that the conversation we shared on the 26th was one where we both got to experience a more emotionally intimate and authentically pure side of each other than what we had previously experienced before.

I left our dinner incredibly excited. Unfortunately, On the 28th of January I traveled back to Arizona where I remained until the 20th of February. Although I like to present an image to the world that nothing emotionally effects me, it’s all a charade. I AM HUMAN and 2009 has been emotionally draining. From my quest to find intimacy, love, and sense of place in Los Angeles, to the experience of my final weeks with and the eventual passing of my companion and best friend, to the reality of formally moving to L.A., having finally moved my own furniture and property out from Arizona, to every financial asset I own in a perpetual state of valuation free fall with no bottom in site thanks to our irresponsible government (the Democrats, whom I voted for appear to have learned NOTHING as it relates to spending money we don’t have from the Republicans of the last 8 years) So suffice it to say, my 2009 has not started out very well.

All the more reason for me to have been excited to get back to L.A. on the 20th and see what was to come in my relationship with Gene. While in Arizona, Gene and I spoke and texted each other a number of times but never did we follow up on our conversation. Having returned, on Friday night I met up with him and another friend of mine, whom I’ll call Militant, out for dinner. It was a good time and I was glad to see them both again. Obviously with Militant there, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left it on the 26th. So on Saturday night I go out to dinner with Gene and Ethan. Once again, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left off on the 26th since Ethan was with us. After dinner we went dancing at CPop where we met up with some of our other friends. It was at CPop when my emotions of the last few weeks finally began to hit me. Midway through the night, I detached myself from everybody, found a spot along a wall, and began to become very glazed and reflective. I can’t even begin to imagine what others thought of me as I stared into the abyss reflecting on everything that has gone on in my life over the last six weeks. As they were leaving, Gene and Ethan found me and we all went home.

Since that night I haven’t spoken with Gene. We’ve attempted to communicate with one another, although I’ve begun to wonder how serious an effort we’ve made based on the times we’ve tried to reach each other. So my sixth sense takes me back to what I had ironically questioned in my Your Answer Please post.

Six days to wonder what the answer would be.


Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.


Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.

At this point, I sense Gene just wants to be friends and doesn’t want to explore what those other feelings each of us may have had in the past for each other may have meant. I’m cool with that, and I accept and respect his decision. His friendship has been very important to me and I’ve conveyed to him, on numerous occasions, how appreciative of him I’ve been. I only hope that Gene has the courage to personally convey his thoughts to me so we can move beyond what we created on the 26th and our friendship can move forward in a positive way.


“Human”-The Killers (Armin Van Buuren Radio Remix)

Adam Exposed

Well kind of.

I’ve thought long and hard, really from the start of my blogging experience, on whether I would ever post a picture of myself in any form on Stand Straight. One of the two guys who knew that I was blogging from the start recommended that I do. To which I vehemently opposed for a number of reasons. Stand Straight is not, and will never be about pictures of beautiful guys. (although you will occasionally see some) There are already a number of great sites and blogs that cater to that sort of thing. What Stand Straight has been and will always be about is me and my own personal growth in coming out, from a repressed state, as a gay man in 2008 America. As as I outlined in my very first post, Break it Down, one of the three goals in writing Stand Straight was for it to provide me with the opportunity to evaluate my own personal growth as my journey progressed.

Now that I’m back in Phoenix, I’ve had the opportunity to look back at my experiences over the last few months and reflect on how far I’ve come. I believe I have made some tremendous strides on a number of fronts but one of the two areas where I still struggle with is my body and having other guys look at it. I still find it very awkward and in some respects I remain a basket case when they do. I had one experience at the Abbey about a week ago where a guy, who was by himself, looked me up and down and then began to chuckle. I immediately began to wonder what the hell was he chuckling at. Was I excited? Did I spill ketchup on myself? Did my pee miss the urinal? Did a bird shit on me? Was cum dripping down my mouth? (no it couldn’t have been that) It freaked me out and I became totally self conscious. My night was ruined after that because every time from then on that someone would look at me, they reinforced that guy’s chuckle in my mind. When I finally arrived home I did a thorough inspection and everything appeared normal. (thankfully I couldn’t see inside my brain)

So in an effort to grow and become more comfortable with other guys looking at me, I now expose Adam.

Well kind of.








The two body parts that need the most work are ones that unfortunately I will not be sharing. (my two heads) Ironically, both of them may need professional help.

And if anybody who happens to read this thinks they know who I am, I ask that you please respect my identity and the therapeutic intent on why I chose to post these pictures. I sincerely appreciate it and thanks!

"Homo,

what did you do to deserve that?”

And so I was asked in Santa Monica on Sunday. I spent a good part of the day down there checking out the beach, the pier, and the 3rd St. promenade. I get back to my car, turn east on Santa Monica Blvd and start to drive back to WeHo. Santa Monica Blvd. is packed with cars going in both directions and as I’m waiting to go east three cars back at the 3rd St. intersection, a blue minivan pulls up next to me going west. My windows were down, I was by myself, and Rihanna’s Take a Bow was playing through my B&O speakers. As the minivan pulls up, the kid who was driving it says, “Homo, what did you do to deserve that?”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume homo was in reference to me and the rest to my car. Who the hell is he to call me a homo? Then his full comment infers that I, a homo, do not deserve a nice car. So if I don’t deserve a material object, I begin to wonder what else don’t I deserve?

I looked over at him in complete astonishment. The kid couldn’t have been more than 22 and he was driving around with his buddies in what I’m assuming was his mom’s minivan.

Homo! You got to be fucking kidding me.

Homo! I haven’t even kissed another guy since I got here.

Homo! I haven’t even sucked another guy’s dick since I got here.

Homo! I haven’t even fucked another guy since I got here.

Clearly I’m very emotional and have been hypersensitive these last few months, but this IS insane. I thought I was living in California. If you would have told me when I first moved out here that I would have received more action as a way of name calling then actual experience with another guy by the time September and my trip back to Phoenix rolled around, I would have called YOU insane. But here we are, seven weeks in and the tally is 4 to 0! Hey I get it, I need to make up for all those years of not being called names or picked on, but G-d don’t I also deserve for the positive and pleasurable experiences to occur now that I'm finally being honest and real?

On Saturday I went to a viewing party for my alma mater’s football game at a local bar where I met this girl. Let me step back a second and first mention that my alma mater is known for having beautiful women. Well little did I realize that we also have beautiful men. Beyond watching the game, I found myself checking out many, and I repeat many of the guys that were in attendance. I kept wondering throughout most of the evening whether any of the guys were gay? During the night I kept thinking how ironic it would be if I met a gay guy, from my University, in LA, at a football viewing party. Anyway, I just need to stop thinking.

Midway through the game this girl approaches me as I was sitting at the bar. She was a cute blond girl. We talked for quite awhile. I got her number, met her roommate, and she even came out to wait with me as the valet was retrieving my car. She was SO into me and I didn’t know what to do. And don’t think the irony wasn’t lost on me. I went out 1 night to a straight bar and was hit on by a cute girl. I’ve gone out 12 or so nights to the gay bars or clubs of WeHo, and what I would have given to have been approached by a cute guy.

So G-d, since I haven’t quite been able to figure out your message, can you be a little clearer. As a homo, what do I deserve?

Matisyahu-”King Without a Crown”

lions, and tigers, and BEARS! OH MY!

It’s a jungle out there! And for this baby gay it can still be a very scary and intimidating place.

I was extremely optimistic as the weekend began, because I thought that I had made some serious progress over the last few weeks. I was hopeful that the progress made would translate into a different fortune. So in some respects I was extremely disappointed in myself and my continued lack of action.


Friday night I had to play it simple because I had to be up early the next morning. There was a nice crowd at the bar, I talked to a few guys, and a guy bought me a drink. (which was a first without reciprocity) Beyond that the night was ho-hum and I left early and disappointed. You see there was this one guy, who resembled one of my good friends, that I thought was cute. He was talking with one of his buddies at the bar and we made eye contact. We sustained it for a few seconds and let go. I moved towards the patio to observe from a different vantage point, his backside of course. I was formulating how I was going to make my move and what I was going to say. So as soon as I finished my beer, I made my move to the bar. No sooner than the completion of my first step, cute guy and his friend left the bar for the upstairs. ARGH! I ordered my beer and then went upstairs to look for them. I found them, only to see them talking with another two guys.

On Saturday morning I awoke early to make my way to the Sunset Junction Street Festival in Silver Lake. There is an organization out here that I learned about through a friend that I have begun to participate with in an effort to help defeat Proposition 8 here in California. (for more details please see A Mile High and Equally Distant post) This organization had a booth at Sunset Junction and I helped work it throughout the morning. And by work it I mean initiate conversation with festival goers about Prop 8, ask them for their vote in defeating it, and illicit their involvement through volunteerism. It was a great experience where I learned some new things, met some nice people, and overall had a good time. When my shift was over I walked the festival where I ran into a booth being run by the LA Dept. of Health. They were providing free hepatitis shots. So after about five minutes of deliberation and assurances by the nurses that it was safe to receive a shot at a street festival, I took the plunge and got my first hepatitis A & B vaccine shot. (so for those who have suggested this to me over the past few weeks, I do actually listen and take your advice to heart)

After having such a great time at Suede a number of weeks ago, I was really excited to check it out again and see if I truly was a changed man. On Saturday night they were having a special event where Suede was being combined with, their sister and much larger club, Factory. (they are both in the same building) Well I left a little later this time, based on my past visit, and arrived at Suede at about 10:45PM. There was a huge line and it took me a half hour to get in. (major buzz kill) The reason for the line, as I learned when I was standing in it, was that Lady Gaga was going to be performing that night. I believe her one big song, and big may be a bit generous, is Just Dance. It was a neat, cultural experience to view the spectacle of a live performance in a gay dance club. Everyone was packed together like sardines. It may be very un-gay of me to say this, but I just didn’t get all the excitement. After the long line, the packed house, and the slow service at the bars, Lady Gaga only played 3 songs. Three freaking songs! After her winded set, I almost felt like gagaing. I spoke with a few guys, I didn’t dance, and once again I went home alone.

On the way home I began to feel really sad because I began to wonder what the hell was wrong with me? I got my shot, I’ve come out, I’m getting involved, I’m going out, I’m smiling, I’m meeting new people, and yet the results are the same. I have no more excuses. ARGGGGGHHHH



But you know what, the sun still came up on Sunday. In the early afternoon I was invited by a friend of mine to go check out the Sunset Junction Street Festival. I told him that I was there the day before, to which he replied, “Sunday is the day when all the gay boys go.” So who am I to say no to that. :) We take two cars, as I need to be back for a resident get-together at my apartment complex by 7:30PM, and meet at his friend’s apartment in Silver Lake. I get there and the smell of pot permeates the apartment. As I began to shit in my pants, all I could think about was what the hell did I get myself into. (fwiw, I’ve never smoked pot but I’m sure you all could have guessed that by now) SL (friend of my friend) and SL’s friend were smoking a bit before we got there and a bit while I was there. SL was a hottie, eclectic, and a bit spirited. He made us some drinks and we drank for about 45 minutes before heading down to the festival.

All I can say is that my friend and I have two very different definitions for “gay boys.” I define “gay boys” as clean cut, pretty, trendy, and somewhere between the ages of 18-25. From my experience yesterday, it appears my friend defines “gay boys” as leather daddies, bears, and those that love them over the age of 40. lol



So we arrive and our first stop is to one of the regular retail stores that fell within the closed off portion of the street leading to the festival. No this was no regular retail store, it was a toy store for the leather daddies and bears among us. And I’m sure you could guess what type of toys they were selling in there. So after two free drinks with eyes wide open, we left and made our way to the festival area. SL was certainly the eye candy to the “gay boys” at the Sunset Junction crowd. We walked around, mingled, and checked out this private party room of dancing Bears (who knew Bears danced) As the sun was setting, I knew it was time for me to go. If Fubar was so not my type of establishment on Thursday, the Sunset Junction Street Festival was sooooooooo not my type of festival. But you know what, I’m better for it in having had the experience to learn a little bit more. And what an eye opening experience it was.

I get back to my complex a half hour late for the event, but just in time to grab some dinner that they provided for the residents. I also would like to point out that I left my “No on Prop 8” sticker on that I received at the Festival. I did that for two reasons. Obviously to promote the “No on Prop 8” campaign, but also selfishly to promote myself as a mo, or at a minimum mo leaning, to the other mos that may be living at my complex.

After about 15 minutes I ran into my new neighbor. I was dead on about his reaction when I saw him out at Fubar on Thursday. He was completely shocked to see me there. We talked for a little bit at the mixer and I’m amazed at how much we have in common. (although he is quite a bit younger he was totally indifferent to the whole age thing) Anyway, we both decided to head to Here for the night. It was great to get to know him better on the long walk to the bar. And on that walk we experienced the delight of some more intelligent a-holes. We’re halfway there and this four door Mercedes slows down by us, two guys in front yelling insults and making BJ gestures. They then quickly drove off. So for me that's twice now in the five weeks that I’ve been here. If only my odds were that good in hooking up with some cute guys.

We get to the bar and it was awesome. We had a great time, had a lot of fun, and I met some new guys. (and go figure I was wearing a t-shirt, Levi knee length plaid shorts, flip flops, and my hair was casual with no product in it.) I was under dressed compared to most of the guys there, and for me that’s a new experience. :) I also ran into a whole host of guys whom I had met the night before, met on Thursday, and I’m beginning to realize that the WeHo bar/club scene is pretty small. It is also becoming apparent that guys travel in the same cliques whenever they go out. (IE, you’ll see the same guys who went out together the night before were together again) Midway through our time at Here, Neighbor’s friend showed up with his friend so then we all talked for a bit. Then I fell in love. Well not really, but let me at least pretend. He was about 6’1”, short black hair, clear white skin, with a great smile, and had an athletic physique. (as opposed to a muscler’s physique which is so common out here) He was wearing designer jeans and a tight, but not too tight, dark t-shirt with the sleeves coming to the point where the shoulder meets the tricep. He was with four other friends, all of whom were really good looking, so they appeared to be a pretty intimidating bunch. Nonetheless, we did make eye contact a few times but I had a difficult time sustaining it. I was going to say something to him. But what do you know, the same thing that happened on Friday happened again. As I’m on my way back from the bar rounding my way to their location on the patio, they’re on their way out. There is a way for me to try and find out who he is and I’m going to work on that. We’ll see what happens.

So in the span of 24 hours in the jungle of WeHo my emotions once again went for a ride. It would be nice though for something beyond my emotions to go for a ride. Then all of the tourists that visit LA, and ride around on the buses below and those that are similar, who are on their own star studded safari will really have something to watch. Adam from Stand Straight finally getting some. Now wouldn't that be a sight to see!



GNR-"Welcome to the Jungle"

Under Pressure

I’m at the gym yesterday and I found a new time when there were a lot more hotties there. (at least on Monday) Anyway, yesterday was chest and back day. My second to last exercise were dumbbell rows.

I would like to think my form was a bit stricter with my straight leg providing more balance by being spaced out further, my ass in the air, and a nice arch in my back. Anyway, what was so funny was that right after I started this exercise, Under Pressure from Queen w/David Bowie came on my IPOD. I almost lost it as I thought it was so funny noting the position I was in on the bench and my lack of action since I arrived in WEHO.

Then I get home and learned that my younger sister and brother in-law would be making a quick visit to see me and my brother in-law’s sister in LA this Friday. I will be picking them up at the airport and bringing them to my apartment. We will then all go for dinner Friday night. Clearly I don’t know what will happen but this Friday may be the moment of truth. My plan at this point hasn’t changed. I still would like to come out to my parents first when I return to Phoenix in September. So I do not plan on initiating any conversation with regard to my sexuality, or lack thereof at this point, on Friday but I have decided that If they ask me if I am gay I will respond with the following:

Yes, I believe I am gay. I am not 100% certain because I have not fully experienced being with another guy, but I believe that I am and have always to some degree been attracted to other guys. I have only fooled around with another guy once at this point and we did nothing serious. I decided to move to West Hollywood to give myself the space and allow myself the strongest opportunity in living an honest and free life while figuring out just who I am. I have not told you up to now, and I wasn’t planning on telling you this weekend because I am not 100% certain, but since you asked, I told myself before I moved here that when I crossed the Colorado River I would no longer lie. I still need more time and until I am 100% certain I don’t intend to tell anyone else. So you MUST keep this conversation between us. I know that will be difficult for you SISTER, but it is very important to me that you do. I am hopeful that I will be able to be more forthcoming and open with everyone else by the time I return to Phoenix for my visit in September.

I am looking forward to their visit and am hopeful that things will go well on Friday. I have NO concerns about my family accepting or loving me any less, and would be surprised at this point if they didn’t already expect it. Especially my sister and brother in-law. Nonetheless, I am prepared and ready for this discussion on Friday but I hope it doesn't occur. We shall see.

Now if I can only find a cute guy in the next two days. Now that's PRESSURE!

Queen w/David Bowie-"Under Pressure

SatSun

So on Saturday I had a complimentary session, which felt more like a sales call, with a trainer at the new gym I joined. He put me through a few different unique movements which I certainly haven’t been used to. I also thought I cheated on one of the exercises and tweaked my lower back a bit, but he said my form was fine. Anyway, what was interesting was that he was wearing a Star of David around his neck. The thing was, he didn’t look like a member of the tribe at all. (and neither do I but that’s a post for another day) So after I tell him that I was not interested in signing up for training sessions, I ask him about his charm. As it turns out he is a fellow member and he even managed a gym in the same town I grew up in on the east coast. He lived in the next town over. I told him I was new to LA and we spoke for another few minutes about the tribe out here and where to meet other wanderers. The only thing I don’t know is whether he is gay. I don’t think he is nor do I think he thought I was based on some event info he provided me, but nonetheless it turned out to be an interesting connection.

The rest of the weekend I spent watching some more screenings at OUTFEST. On Saturday night I saw ANOTHER GAY SEQUEL: GAYS GONE WILD. Only 1 of the 4 main actors returned from the previous film. I thought it was very clever how they dealt with that in the beginning of the show. I’m not going to go into details about the movie and ruin it for any of my readers. For me, a film is either entertaining or not, and I thought this movie was entertaining. There were clever parts, fun parts, lol parts, and a whole bunch of other parts. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to have a fun, non-serious time for 2 hours. I also thought the new Griff was super cute. Oh, and I almost forgot to write that I sat with my friends right behind the actors from the movie. That was kind of a neat experience in watching how they interacted together. The film was shot in only 17 days and I don’t think all of the actors really knew one another. Beyond that, I don't fawn nor really care that someone is in film, as actors are just regular people too!

On Sunday afternoon I went to go see the film ANTARCTICA. This was the film that I was most excited about seeing when I read the directory 5 days ago. Thankfully, the film didn’t let me down and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND it! Antarctica is an Israeli film with HOT actors and a great story. The description from the OUTFEST website is:

The hip and beautiful boys and girls in this super sexy Israeli romantic comedy set in Tel Aviv are searching for something. For some it's just sex - and lots of it. Most nights bespectacled cutie Omer works at the local library and reads books about U.F.O.s before bed. Then Omer meets Ronen, a devastatingly handsome journalist. Might Ronen have the ability to melt Omer's frozen heart and give him what he didn't know he was looking for?

I guess the film, and specifically the character of Omer, in some way resonated with me. Plus I realized that I need to get my ass to Tel Aviv. There I can find more of this:
Yiftach Mizrahi

Guy Zo-Aretz and Tomer Ilan

Tomer Ilan (my fave)


On Sunday night I went to the Ford Amphitheatre for the OUTFEST Awards presentation and the film WERE THE WORLD MINE. Before the awards and show started, I was invited to join some new friends at their picnic before the presentation. So I am on my way and I experienced my first run in with LA traffic. The Ford is only about 4-5 miles from where I live but the cars, they are everywhere. Suffice it to say I missed an exit, had to get on the freeway to turn around, and I ultimately arrived about 45 minutes late. Can you say STRESSSSSS! So I go to park and they make you park stacked. Which means everyone must leave at the same time because all cars are boxed in. (that would never fly in Arizona) That in itself was quite the LA experience but you know what, it worked and I only had to wait about 15 minutes. I finally get to the picnic and the neat thing was that you can bring your food and drink (including alcohol) with you into the venue. Being a strong proponent of tailgating at college football games, I thought this was really cool. (now if only my university would allow me to take in booze as I watch some football) Ah the film. I enjoyed Were the World Mine.


I thought it was an entertaining film with a nice story line. I also thought the actors did a great job in their roles. Not to mention they were all cute. (but young)

So there you have it, two weeks in the books. I’m glad I found out about OUTFEST because I really believe it was a positive experience for me to attend these screenings. Not only for the films, which were all entertaining, but for the experience of viewing, supporting, participating, and communicating with others at a GLBT event.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and have an opportunity in the not to distant future to check out these films.

And as I finish this post, once again my G-d playing deejay with the following on the radio: (I'm trying guys)
Supertramp:"Give A Little Bit"

Here we go again!

Damn it! Under 5 hours again just doesn't cut it. The body and mind must be sensing something. I need my beauty rest!

Barenaked Ladies-"Who Needs Sleep?"