Angst

So here we go
And again I say
Another boy
And my hearts at play

This should be fun
For I like him so
He makes me smile
And to that he knows

I think it’s mutual
So I’m led to believe
But the skill set I doubt
Is in reading tea leaves

That is my one regret
In coming out in life so late
Having had none of the experiences
In dating other male mates

I feel like this is a broken record
And on many days it gets me down
Wondering when the day will come
Of a blessing from my king without a crown

Is that too much to ask of my faith
For the happiness that I so seek
I just wish my mind wasn’t my worst enemy
In making situations appear so bleak

Deep down I know they really are not
As I seem to just be overanalyzing again
But for me I continue to find it hard to know
When to make the right moves with men

Should, woulda, coulda, didn’t
For every word that I didn’t say
As I lie in bed I toss and turn
Wondering if I let him slip away

Maybe I paint a picture
Of which he views as incomplete
Leads him to question
Does he really want to go to sleep

But I really really do
Want to kiss him tonight
To feel his soft skin
And wake up with him when it’s light

I’m a bit nervous and scared
Confused and maybe a tad weak
Wondering what to make of us
For when we next speak

As I am now a bit more emotionally vulnerable
With a feeling of nakedness at the core
What’s left is for my mind to wonder
As to what exactly is in store.......

Beginning and "Happy" Ending.....soo soo sad

MONDAY

Luke: Hey you!

Adam: Doesn’t the song go Hey Ya?

Luke: Haha yes there is a song called “hey ya” (emoji smiley)

Adam: Yeah, and it’s a pretty darn good song. So what did you wind up doing tonight?

Luke: Oh u know...watching family guy...lounging in bed....haha super exciting night (emoji tongue out face) how’s the moving going?

Adam: It’s going. But it’s going a bit more slowly now because I’m chattin with this guy I just met (emoji wink face). And silly me for asking that question, I knew that. LOL

Luke: Hahaha well don’t let little ol me slow u down! (emoji wink face)

Adam: You’re not slowing me down. At&t was. I’ll just stay up later. For I did just drink a liter of tejava black tea.

Luke: Hahaha so you’ll be a lil wired huh? ;-) so where’s your new place at?

Adam: Something in this place has 2 b wired cause it sure ain’t the internet. Street and Street.

Luke: Haha. Oh Street and Street is not far from me

Adam: Cool! It’s a great location. In between Runyon and the gayborhood.

Luke: Exactly! I love Runyon btw

Adam: You’re becoming even more intriguing. ;) haha. Do u run?

Luke: Haha I used to run cross country but haven’t been running in a while. But I love to hike Runyon.

Adam: Strike 1. LOL

Adam: Forgot j/k

Luke: Haha strike 1?!

Adam: For not running

Luke: Oh yes def! Haha I like you...gotta keep my ass going and in shape!

Adam: That makes 2 or us.

Luke: Haha well u look like you’re in great shape

Adam: Oh, I meant who likes me. LOL

Adam: J/k. I’ve been traveling the past four weeks and I haven’t been 2 the gym since may. I’ve put on about 5 pounds.

Luke: Oh hahaha! Oh please...5 pounds is nothing

Adam: 5 pounds is a lot when u spend July 4th in Laguna. LOL

Luke: LOL! True

Luke: Well stud I’m gonna get to sleep. Look forward to talking tomorrow (emoji wink face) hope your unpacking goes well

Adam: Likewise Smiley. Thanks, and sweet dreams!

Luke: Night you

Adam: Night ya! LOL

Luke: LOL (emoji tongue out face)

TUESDAY

Luke: Morning ya

Adam: Good morning you!

Luke: How’d the unpacking go?

Adam: Progress was made but still a lot to go. Just got done from running 5 so going 2 jump in the shower.

Luke: Nice. Have fun in the shower ;-)

Adam: Aw, you’re sweet. If I only saw your text before. Haha

Luke: Haha well at least u got it

Adam: That I did

Luke: ;-)

Adam: So how was your day?

Luke: Hey you I was just getting ready to ask u the same thing ;-) It was great...went by quickly again. How was yours?

Adam: More unpacking, organizing, laundry, dishwashing, running to target and bbb, constructing, and lunch at daphnes. Yum! And still there’s more to do. Moving’s a bitch.

Luke: Hahahah I hear ya! But it’ll be so nice when it’s finally all done

Adam: You’re right, and I like my place :)

Adam: So what type of exciting evening do you have planned for yourself tonight?

Luke: See that’s the important thing...as cheesy as it sounds your home really should be your sanctuary and happy place (emoji wink face) I’m cooking dinner with a good friend of mine then nothin else planned

Adam: Yeah that’s cheesy. You making mac’n’cheese?

Luke: Anything exciting planned for u tonight?

Luke: Lol! Possibly...I’m not very creative or resourceful when it comes to cooking

Adam: Stir fry is always good. No, just more of the same. I plan on completing everything tonight. Fingers crossed!

Luke: I hope so! Don’t want it interfering with our dinner plans

Adam: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m looking forward to it, and anxious to see if your smile is as bright and engaging in person. ;)

Adam: The reservation is made

WEDNESDAY

Luke: Awwww I just got ur messages. I like to think my smile is way better in person ;-) oooo where we going?

Adam: I thought you like adventure? Are you allergic to anything like seafood or dairy, etc...? The reservation is at 8:15 and it’s at a fairly new place that has got excellent reviews from a number of sources.

Luke: Haha u pass the test! Congrats. No allergies to worry about. Am I meeting u somewhere?

Adam: Nah. I’ll pick lil ‘ol ya up around 7:35ish

Luke: Well how gentleman-like of you...that’s a nice surprise for once...

Adam: Really!?! You have been meeting cavemen. I’ll pick u up, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll leave you there. LOL

Adam: J/k of course

Luke: Lol! I have been indeed! You betta not leave me...i’ll kick ur ass (emoji tongue out face)

Adam: I may just like that....:P problem though is you won’t be able to catch me cause you don’t run

Luke: Hahaha! I love it

Luke: Look at u already capitalizing on my handicaps

Adam: I try. Handicap”s”? Anymore you want to tell me about? Haha

Luke: Oh u didn’t know? I’m a quadriplegic...is that going to be an issue?

Adam: Not at all. We’ll just have to meet at at the restaurant cause you won’t fit in my car. LOL like all the other cavemen.

Luke: LOL! Awww how quickly the sweetness goes right out the window. Yay I’m excited I must admit

Adam: I’m looking forward to meeting you as well. It is 07/08/09 after all.

Luke: Haha I was just getting ready to ask u what 07/08/09 was but then I got it gaga

Luke: Haha not gaga stupid phone

Adam: Yeah blame it on the phone lady gaga

Luke: Hahaha it thinks it’s smarter than I am

Adam: Cause you’re always showing it your poker face

Luke: Oh...ya good point

Adam: Got some stuff to do so gotta run. Let me know your address and have a great day! :)

Adam: Or where u want me to pick u up

Luke: Address. Have a great day!

Adam: So what will u b doing today at 12:34:56 on 7/8/9?

Luke: Hahaha I will def be working....but I guess I’ll make a wish huh?

Adam: Make it a good one

Luke: Oh I will

Adam: driving color manufacturer style

Luke: Are u here already?!

Adam: No. Leaving now.

Luke: Whew ok perfect

Adam: Here

Luke: Be right out

Luke: Thank u again for an amazing evening. I think u are a wonderful unique quality guy and I would love to get to know u better

Luke: Oh and I wanna know your full name...just bc I wanna ;-)

Adam: You’re certainly welcome and I enjoyed our time together just the same. We certainly come from different backgrounds, but that very well may be a good thing. I look forward to seeing you again in the next day or so. Would you like to plan our next adventure?

Adam: My last name is Name. Let me know if your P.I. has any issues investigating me. LOL

Luke: Lol! I would love to plan our next adventure. I will get back to you on the PI results (emoji wink face)

Adam: Yeah. Please let me know on that. I’m intrigued to know what they find out. Haha. And let me know when you’d like to plan #2 for.

Luke: Well I’m def thinking this weekend should be in order for #2

Adam: Sounds good and have a good night!

THURSDAY

Luke: Good morning mr wholesome ;-)

Adam: Good morning back at u mr wine-o

Luke: LOL

Luke: I hope u have a great day

Adam: And u as well! :-)

Luke: I look forward to seeing u again soon

Adam: Likewise, well not seeing me cause I c me right now, but seeing u

Luke: Lol ya u see enough of u

Adam: U saying I should share?

Luke: Well I mean...selfishness is never really good...

Adam: It looks like I’ll need to work on that. Haha

Luke: ;-)

Luke: Whats ur facebook?

Adam: Search via email address

Adam: FYI, I made plans with a friend of mine for tmrw night that was confirmed today so Friday is out for #2.

Adam: Forgot 2 say the plans were made last week. I am looking forward 2 date #2.

Luke: Well we’ll just have to do something for this weekend then...I’m glad you’re looking forward to it cuz so am I ;-)

Adam: Great, more time 4 u 2 plan. Haha C u soon! :-)

Luke: Haha yep! Hope your day is going well

Adam: It is, thanks and likewise. Finally going through all of my paperwork, which was a lot and then off 2 Runyon in an hour or so.

Luke: Awww I’m jealous ur doing Runyon...I need to get up there tonight

Adam: U want me to wait?

Luke: If you would like to! I’d love to go up there with you

Adam: Sure I’ll wait. Let me know what time I should meet u at fuller and sunset

Luke: I could be up there by 7:15 ;-)

Adam: c u then

Luke: Perfect

Adam: And just so u know, this isn’t #2, so you’re not off the hook 4 planning the next adventure.

Luke: Hahaha of course not! I’ll plan something way better ;-)

Luke: We still on for 7:15

Adam: Yep. Leaving apt now 4 fuller/sunset. May b a few minutes late.

Luke: No worries...I’m walking over there right now

(With the expectation that our second “official” date was to be during the weekend, on our walk back from the hike Luke innocently said that he spoke with his mom and that he would be going home for the weekend. I was a bit perplexed and shocked to find this out because up until that point I thought, and was excited, that we were planning to go on our next “official” date. So I clearly exhibited a surprised and disappointed look on my face after he told me this sudden change to not only his, but our weekend. At the time, as we were talking about it, he inferred that it was simply a test for him to see what my reaction would be in a demonstration of my interest in him. As I admitted to Luke at the time, a very shrewd move on his part.)

Adam: I still can’t believe u did that.

Luke: Hahaha I must admit it played out a little better than I expected it to

Luke: Thank u again for waiting and hiking with me

Adam: It was a very shrewd move and suffice it to say I was both dumbfounded and then impressed. I can’t believe I was played like that. Hmmmm

Adam: And no problem. I enjoyed it

Luke: I hope I didn’t hurt u (emoji teeth grin face)

Adam: Hurt me, nah. But you might worry. LOL

Luke: Uh oh....y?

Adam: I’ll leave u uh ohing for a while. Haha

Luke: ur a cruel one Adam Last Name

Adam: Why am I cruel? U r cruel. And our whole chat somehow got deleted from my phone. :(

Luke: Haha I’m messing with ya. Awww that’s sad!

Adam: Huh, it just reappeared. :)

Luke: Oh how nice of it

Adam: Maybe it was trying to fool me as well to see what my reaction would be.

Luke: Hahaha ya maybe my phone did it and was trying to take after me

Adam: Not after you called it stupid the other day.

Luke: Oh I call it that cuz it gets off on stuff like that

Adam: Oh really?

Luke: Yup...it’s pretty kinky

Adam: Does the phone take after you or do u take after your phone? Because I hear phones and their owners are like dogs and their owners. (while hiking we had a conversation about dog breeds having the personality of their owners)

Luke: Hmmmmm...you’ll have to see for yourself ;-)

Adam: My mom called. I’ll have to first see if it’s ok with her.

Luke: Haha this sounds so familiar from some odd reason

Luke: Good night u

Adam: Sweet and kinky dreams ya!

Luke: Lol! (emoji tongue out face)

FRIDAY

Adam: Morning ya! Any sweet or kinky ones last night?

Luke: Haha morning! None that I can recall unfortunately...how’d you sleep?

Adam: Like a baby until the street work on Street started. Have a great day!

Luke: Haha hate that!!! Thanks you too (emoji wink face)

Adam: Thx!

Adam: And how was your day? Oh wait...”it went by quickly!” LOL

Luke: Haha unfortunately today didn’t go by quickly and my boss was pretty nasty to everyone...but it’s now over! Yay (emoji wink face) how was yours? Get a tv?

Adam: Sorry 2 hear that. Mine was good and my apartment is finally in order and everything in its place. No tv today, but auto insurance.

Adam: Btw when r u planning our #2 for ? Tmrw?

Luke: Good....it’s nice to have everything in order! Haha congrats on auto insurance (tongue face) as for #2...can we shoot for Sunday? I’m trying to plan something fun.

Adam: Yes it is. And congrats r premature on the insurance. I haven’t changed anything yet. Yeah, Sunday will work fine.

Luke: Haha well then I retract my “congrats.” Perfect, I’m excited to see u again.

Adam: Retraction accepted. I look forward to seeing u as well and what u have up your sleeve for date #2.

Luke: Hahaha dun dun dun

Adam: Not fair. :( I didn’t do that 2 u and we’re way too far away from Sunday.

Luke: What’s not fair? That I am trying to surprise you? That’s right...ur probably a little nervous about surprises now huh? Haha

Adam: No. It’s that you were teasing me about it. Should I b nervous about it? FYI, I’m not jumping out of an airplane.

Luke: Awww I wasn’t trying to tease you I’m sorry. I think I take my joking too far sometimes. And no lol we’re not jumping out of an airplane

Adam: Gotcha! Mr. Humility.....haha

Luke: LOL (emoji tongue out face)

SATURDAY

Adam: Tick tock tick tock

Adam: R we still on 4 tmrw?

SUNDAY

Adam: Did something happen? Are u alright? Can u pls call me as I’m very concerned!



So after all of that, it appears the surprise that Luke was planning for our date was to go AWOL. In the week that we had been communicating, the above was our text chat but we met and communicated for a bit on an internet site as well, I had gotten to really like him. I had also received the impression that he liked me. After finally meeting and seeing him twice.....I thought something was possible between the two of us.

When Sunday night rolled around I became very concerned for his welfare. We became facebook friends late in the week so I messaged one of his closer friends, whom he told me about, to see if she had heard from him. She had not. (FWIW, I would have become very concerned for any of my friends whom we had plans together and I had not heard from them in two days)

I didn’t hear from him on Sunday, so on Monday I called him at work. We only spoke for a minute or so as I didn’t want to bother him. I really only wanted to make sure he was alive and to better understand why he went AWOL. He told me what happened and said he would call back later in the day.

A little bit after our phone conversation I emailed Luke the following:

I hope you don't think I'm crazy or am a stalker, but I was genuinely concerned about you since I had not heard from you since Friday. I hope your ______and _______ are doing better.

In the evening Luke emailed me back:

No way! I thank you actually for calling and checking in...it's surprising to have someone care so much like that...but very nice! I'm so sorry about this weekend. My ______ got hurt at a ______and I had to go home and my phone has been having problems (I dropped it again)

I hope that you are not too upset with me...if so I understand. But I would really like very much to plan a second date ;-)

Later on that night I emailed him back:

You're welcome, and I hope your ________ is ok and getting better.

I don't know if your phone is working but I just tried calling as I thought I would have heard from you. I'd rather talk than write so I hope I'll hear from you.

Since I never heard from him, the next day I emailed him:

I sense that these last few days for you have been a trying time. Part of me wants to be there for you to help you through it. I feel kind of odd writing that because we did just meet, but I want to be able to hold you, kiss you, and basically just make sure you're okay. You know I basically didn't get much sleep the last two nights and it's driving me crazy. Honestly, I don't know exactly why either.

But

I also have another sense that is beginning to wonder if this all makes sense. I mean we did just meet. You seem like a great guy, and I truly am sorry that you had a family _________ this past weekend. But with that being said, it appears you made no effort to let me know that something had come up and you had to postpone. Then yesterday, you said you would call back, and then I never heard from you. (yeah I know you sent a facebook message) I'm not angry or upset with you about these things, but I am disappointed. I believe I deserved better. So selfishly, I'm wondering if I should allow myself to get disappointed like this by a guy I just met.

I do like you Luke, and maybe it's surprising to me that I may like you more than I'm comfortable with at this point. I would like to see you soon and talk this through, but I need you to step forward, or I'm going to force myself to step away. Are you the Luke whom I met and liked and had so much fun with the first few days, or are you the Luke that has been driving me crazy and disappointed me these last few days?

Would you like to meet up tonight?

Two days passed and I had not heard from Luke. Contrary to the advice of my two closest friends in L.A. (after describing the situation and reading to them the above email that I had sent) I decided to call Luke at work again. The reason for the call was twofold. First, I wanted to soften the tone of the last email and ensure that he didn’t read it as a rigid, “take me or leave me” ultimatum. (Apparently expressing your emotions and feelings, let alone proactively communicating, is not a common concept here in WeHo.) Second, I wanted, in my mind, to be able to separate from him and continue to date and flirt with other guys. So the call was very beneficial to me. I told him that I like him and would love to see him again. I also said that he should take his time and that I am here for him if he needs someone to talk to. He told me that he had not been on facebook during the week and had not read the prior email. He also told me that he had to move apartments earlier in the week. So little by little more info is creeping out but I still find it all very odd.

Nonetheless, I’ve communicated what I’ve wanted to communicate to him and the chips will fall where they may. I really like Luke and I hope I’ll hear from him again, but the next move has to be his. Well except for his pretty little facebook pictures that I could and did use to.........well you know! :(

Less Than Jake-"The Science of Selling Yourself Short"

It's Crunch Time

I’ve wrote before, or at least I think I’ve wrote before about how I’ve had the opportunity to see many of the same guys working out on a weekly basis at the gym. With that being said, there’s this one hottie who I have seen many times that has piqued my interest. He’s got dark black hair, light skin, and a nice looking, athletic body. I presume he is either Italian, a Latino, or of some combination. :-) I’ve found him to be a bit mysterious, is he straight or is he gay? I can’t tell because beyond the stereotypical looking gays, I have no gaydar. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen hottie out at the clubs, and like when I first arrived in WeHo, this guy carries a bag with him on the gym floor. (rather than storing it in the locker room)

So I arrived at the gym today and I first noticed hottie downstairs on the treadmills. I was hopeful that for the first time our workouts, from a time perspective, would mirror each others. Not knowing whether hottie was completing his workout on the treadmills or just beginning his workout, I departed for the gym floor upstairs. Within a few minutes I was excited to see that hottie had just arrived upstairs.



I began to sense that hottie and I just might complete our workouts at the same time today, and we would finally have that opportunity to meet outside.

Outside? To be honest, I go to the gym to workout, to observe the “occasional” eye candy on the gym floor, and to get out of there. I don't go to the gym to meet people because I find it a bit of a cliche and a very awkward place to do that, and I certainly don't linger or cruise around in the locker room. Call me a prude, although I like to think of myself as a traditionalist, but the locker room, shower, and steam room scene is not for me. In writing that I’m being a bit presumptive, because to be quite honest, I don’t know if there even is that type of scene at my gym.

Anyways, throughout my workout I had the opportunity to keep an eye on hottie. He minded his own business, I minded mine, and we never stared or maintained eye contact with each other. When I finished my workout upstairs I didn’t see hottie as I quickly glanced around the space. I went downstairs for my 3 minute cool-down on the treadmill and did not see hottie downstairs either. So I retrieved my things from the locker room and left.



I made it off the outdoor mall’s premises and about twenty feet down the street when I thought to myself, I’ve got to take a chance. So I returned to the courtyard of the mall and climbed back up the stairs. As I turned for the gym, guess who was on his way towards me? (at that point I felt like a complete dork) He passed by as I began to wonder what my next move would be. He continued, stepped onto the down escalator, and began to return his earbuds to his bag. After a few seconds of thought I began to walk down the stairs, which were to the right of the down escalator. As hottie approached the midpoint of his journey down the escalator, I introduced myself and said hello.

My line went something like this, “Hey, I’ve seen you at the gym a number of times and I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.” (I know, real difficult!)

We only spoke for a minute or so, and at best I now know his name. I am still clueless as to which way he swings. At the same time I wonder if he is as clueless about me. Although, I believe it to be a bit obvious at this point. What straight guy approaches another guy at the gym? Especially in the obvious way in which our encounter occurred. When he left the gym I wasn’t on his floor. I arrive back on his floor from below, he passes, I follow him back down, and then I said hello.

I smiled and laughed during my walk home. I found this experience to be quite amusing. I’m still laughing as I write this. Too funny!

Since I’ve made my move, I believe the ball, no pun intended, is now in Joseph’s court. At worst, he’s another guy I could say hello to when I work out. At best, something more could come, again no incorrectly spelled pun intended, of it.

For $99.96

I received:

92 days of access,

201 scientifically selected matches,

18 I thought may have worked,

12 of whom never responded,

2 of which I made it to the second round with,

and 1 Stand Straight post!


I never enjoyed science, although I enjoy Edilson, so I’m not sure why I thought I would be any good at Chemistry. I do take ownership in my results, or lack thereof, and now realize that matchmaking sites are not for me. I’m done with them. I was, and in reality am, extremely selective and did not meet a single person, in person, during my time on Chemistry. (or JDate for that matter) I’ve learned through these experiences that my personality and attitude are better suited for meeting people in the three dimensional world.

As for Chemistry, I had two problems with it. The first was that they advertise that you will receive five new matches a day. HA! After about 45 days as a member, it would take them up to two weeks to come up with my five matches, if they were able to come up with them at all. (I know our country is suffering from a lack of educated scientists, but come on. Pay your chemists a little more!) The second was that they market profiles of guys on their site that are no longer paying members. So if you receive them as a match, like what you’ve seen and read, and begin the match process, you’re screwed. They won’t respond. They can’t respond. I know this to be factual based upon my own personal experience.

3AM

Friday night’s plan was to attend my friend's Holiday party, then come home early to get a good night’s rest. I wanted to wake up early on Saturday morning because I had a lot of work to do in preparation for my own party which was scheduled for Saturday night. It’s funny then to experience the results of changes in the most well thought out plans.

I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.

So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.

We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.

We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.

It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)

So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.

With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?

KLF-"3AM Eternal"

First Date

Due to a really great family moment for one of my friends, whom I had plans with on Friday night, I thought it would be best for us to postpone our plans. As such, I decided to push up my date from Saturday brunch to Friday dinner.

I thought the date went really well. He’s definitely my type, we had great conversation, and he seems to be a good guy.

What I really took away from the evening, beyond having a good time with a quality guy, was my own growth. Honestly, I didn’t know how I would handle being on a “date” with a guy in a public place. We went to a restaurant in Brentwood and the place was packed. Looking back on the night, there were only two brief moments where I thought that others were looking at us as gay men. I’m saying that as a thought I had, but not one in which others may have actually been looking at us in that way. And as I said, there were only two moments and they happened in the beginning of the date. The first was when we were on our way to the restaurant and stopped at a traffic light. The car next to us on the driver side had a girl in the passenger seat and a guy in the driver’s seat. The girl was looking at us and I happened to make eye contact with her. She then turned to the guy in the driver’s seat who then turned to look at us. The second brief moment was when we first entered the restaurant. After those two moments, I didn’t care nor think about being gay, or what others may have thought about me the rest of the night.

When we left the company of each other the following question was outstanding. Which TV series used Time of Your Life by Green Day in it’s series finale? Friends or Seinfeld? My date believed it was used in the finale of Friends. I knew better and told him it was used in the finale of Seinfeld. So an hour later the following text conversation occurred:

Date: You were right, it was Seinfeld

Me: I hate to be cocky but I am usually right. Haha. So what do I win?

Date: Lol, I HATE being wrong! And I like cocky guys, think its hot, I guess you win a 2nd date with me, I know I’m very generous

Me: Well then I look forward to seeing u when we both return to LA

Date: Sounds good!

Me: Have a good night!

First date down, and G-d willing many more to come.

Argh Again!!!!

I was planning a night in last night, to continue to clear out weeks of TV programming that I had stored on my TIVO, when I received a call from a friend who wanted me to join him out. So I obliged.

I got to the bar and immediately followed these two guys in. One of which was a total hottie and the other was so-so. Suffice it to say, I fell in love for the second time, yet did not learn a damn thing from my first experience. Midway into the evening these two were sitting down in the lounge area where I made some extended eye contact with Hottie as I walked by their couch. My friend, who knew I liked him, went to go sit down next to them while I continued to walk around the bar pretending to look for someone else. When I made it back to my friend, the two had gotten up and were on the move to the other side of the bar. So we followed shortly thereafter.

They got into a long conversation with this other guy, and I too got into a long conversation with another cute guy who was a friend of a friend’s friend. While I was talking with Cutie, Hottie went to the bathroom and separated from So-So. So my friend took the liberty to go up to So-So, they were standing directly in my line of sight about 12 feet away, and find out more about his friend Hottie. Since I was still conversing with Cutie, the result of my friends discussion with So-So was a mystery. What I do know was that when Hottie returned to So-So, the two of them moved right next to me and Cutie and I definitely noticed them looking our way. Cutie and I did have a great conversation and he was definitely someone that I wanted to see again so I asked him for his number. He gave it to me and I felt like such a douche because as I’m adding it to my phone I see Hottie and So-So looking my way. Cutie took off after he gave me his number and my friend rejoined me. It’s then that I learned that So-So told him that he and Hottie were boyfriends. I was amazed to learn this because as my friend and I were talking Hottie and I made more eye contact. And when I turned my back to them, I was told that Hottie was looking my way. When I turned back around, Hottie and I made yet more eye contact. I was completely dumbfounded and had no clue as to how I should proceed because I didn’t know if I believed what So-So told my friend. So-So and Hottie did not once throughout the evening appear to be lovey dovey and if they truly were boyfriends shouldn’t they have been? So I decide that I’m going to go up to the two of them and say this. “If you guys really are boyfriends congratulations. So-So, you are truly lucky and Hottie, you are extremely hot!” The problem I had was that I once again deliberated too long. So-So and Hottie left, not without Hottie and I sharing one last glance.

So when I get home I decide to text Cutie to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him. I scroll through my contacts in search of his info and I couldn’t find it. I must not have saved it after I entered it. I’m such a fool! I’m also embarrassed that I had to email my friend for his help in acquiring Cutie’s number again, but such is MY life.

Lastly, why is it that my best nights out always seem to be the ones that aren’t planned in advance?

What are the Odds?

I don’t recall if I posted anything on this, but there is this really cute guy at the gym who I've had a crush on since I first saw him back in July. (and it’s not the same guy that I recently introduced myself to in the Hello It's Nice to Meet You post) My crush is smaller (body frame), cuter, and younger. (which means I’m probably too old :( ) Nonetheless, I briefly commented to him, in the middle of August when I saw him at the gym wearing a competing University’s colors, in reference to the upcoming football season. Because I was so smitten, I contacted GB from Gay Banker to get some advice on how I should proceed. Here is part of the email I wrote to GB:

Now to my question.  (and I apologize in advance if you may have covered this in years past)  First off I am nowhere near 15, but I feel like it as I learn the ropes in the gay scene.  I have read many of your posts on the gym scene, and more specifically the lockers and sauna, but my question is relative to the gym floor.  (Due to a lack of overall experience, I haven't mustered the courage or confidence yet to step into the locker room/sauna scene at my gym)  So there is this really cute guy, although he appears to be a number of years younger, that works out the same time I do.  One of these days, with an emphasis on one of these, I would like to ask him out.  On Monday, I said something to him because we were both wearing our competing University's colors.  He responded back but a conversation didn't develop.  (we both had our ear buds on and were in the middle of our exercises)  I don't know if he is gay, but I would sure like to find out.  I already understand that I need to maintain more eye contact, as it being a key sign, but is flirting normal and okay ON the gym floor?  Would it be completely awkward, then and certainly afterward being that we both train at the same time, if I came right out and asked him out?  Is it more appropriate to try and continue to make light conversation and see what happens?

Well the not so funny thing was that I had not seen Cutie at the gym since I emailed GB a few weeks ago. Because of this I have not been able to use the advice that GB so quickly provided.

So on Thursday night, and after packing the car for my trip back to Phoenix, I joined up with my friend Ethan at a local bar around 11:15. Ethan was out with Kevin who he had just met earlier in the week and they were celebrating Kevin’s birthday with his friends. And what are the odds? Apparently Kevin is friends with the guy I have a crush on at the gym.

Cutie showed up at the bar. :-) I felt like a 10 year old school girl when I saw Cutie embrace Kevin. I went up to Ethan and told him the story and began to devise a plan to learn more. When Ethan’s date rejoined us I began to question him about Cutie. After that I made my move.

Cutie was near the bar and I went straight towards him. I mentioned that we’ve seen each other at the gym, spoke two lines together, and I wanted to take the opportunity to introduce myself. He did recognize me and remembered that we spoke. :) We spoke for a little bit near the bar and made a nice wager on the upcoming football game between our two schools. Nothing materialized on Thursday and the odds of anything really happening are very slim, but at least it’s another start. I know his name, we have a nice bet which should provide the means for further conversation, and I certainly look forward to seeing him at the gym when I return.

And Ethan, you know what would make a great birthday gift. Please HELP me get a date with Z. :-) I didn’t get to sleep on Friday morning until 2:30 because I was thinking about what had just transpired having just met my gym crush. (and the meaning of him showing up on that night in particular, hmm) To harden my resolve and strengthen my conviction, on the drive back to Phoenix I got hard twice just thinking about Z. lol

I am going to ask him out when I return to WeHo! So if anyone has any suggestions or ideas on how or where to ask him, this 15 year old would certainly appreciate learning from your experience? Thanks!

and Z, this one’s for you so get ready.

Kevin Lyttle-"Turn Me On"

SatSun

So on Saturday I had a complimentary session, which felt more like a sales call, with a trainer at the new gym I joined. He put me through a few different unique movements which I certainly haven’t been used to. I also thought I cheated on one of the exercises and tweaked my lower back a bit, but he said my form was fine. Anyway, what was interesting was that he was wearing a Star of David around his neck. The thing was, he didn’t look like a member of the tribe at all. (and neither do I but that’s a post for another day) So after I tell him that I was not interested in signing up for training sessions, I ask him about his charm. As it turns out he is a fellow member and he even managed a gym in the same town I grew up in on the east coast. He lived in the next town over. I told him I was new to LA and we spoke for another few minutes about the tribe out here and where to meet other wanderers. The only thing I don’t know is whether he is gay. I don’t think he is nor do I think he thought I was based on some event info he provided me, but nonetheless it turned out to be an interesting connection.

The rest of the weekend I spent watching some more screenings at OUTFEST. On Saturday night I saw ANOTHER GAY SEQUEL: GAYS GONE WILD. Only 1 of the 4 main actors returned from the previous film. I thought it was very clever how they dealt with that in the beginning of the show. I’m not going to go into details about the movie and ruin it for any of my readers. For me, a film is either entertaining or not, and I thought this movie was entertaining. There were clever parts, fun parts, lol parts, and a whole bunch of other parts. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to have a fun, non-serious time for 2 hours. I also thought the new Griff was super cute. Oh, and I almost forgot to write that I sat with my friends right behind the actors from the movie. That was kind of a neat experience in watching how they interacted together. The film was shot in only 17 days and I don’t think all of the actors really knew one another. Beyond that, I don't fawn nor really care that someone is in film, as actors are just regular people too!

On Sunday afternoon I went to go see the film ANTARCTICA. This was the film that I was most excited about seeing when I read the directory 5 days ago. Thankfully, the film didn’t let me down and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND it! Antarctica is an Israeli film with HOT actors and a great story. The description from the OUTFEST website is:

The hip and beautiful boys and girls in this super sexy Israeli romantic comedy set in Tel Aviv are searching for something. For some it's just sex - and lots of it. Most nights bespectacled cutie Omer works at the local library and reads books about U.F.O.s before bed. Then Omer meets Ronen, a devastatingly handsome journalist. Might Ronen have the ability to melt Omer's frozen heart and give him what he didn't know he was looking for?

I guess the film, and specifically the character of Omer, in some way resonated with me. Plus I realized that I need to get my ass to Tel Aviv. There I can find more of this:
Yiftach Mizrahi

Guy Zo-Aretz and Tomer Ilan

Tomer Ilan (my fave)


On Sunday night I went to the Ford Amphitheatre for the OUTFEST Awards presentation and the film WERE THE WORLD MINE. Before the awards and show started, I was invited to join some new friends at their picnic before the presentation. So I am on my way and I experienced my first run in with LA traffic. The Ford is only about 4-5 miles from where I live but the cars, they are everywhere. Suffice it to say I missed an exit, had to get on the freeway to turn around, and I ultimately arrived about 45 minutes late. Can you say STRESSSSSS! So I go to park and they make you park stacked. Which means everyone must leave at the same time because all cars are boxed in. (that would never fly in Arizona) That in itself was quite the LA experience but you know what, it worked and I only had to wait about 15 minutes. I finally get to the picnic and the neat thing was that you can bring your food and drink (including alcohol) with you into the venue. Being a strong proponent of tailgating at college football games, I thought this was really cool. (now if only my university would allow me to take in booze as I watch some football) Ah the film. I enjoyed Were the World Mine.


I thought it was an entertaining film with a nice story line. I also thought the actors did a great job in their roles. Not to mention they were all cute. (but young)

So there you have it, two weeks in the books. I’m glad I found out about OUTFEST because I really believe it was a positive experience for me to attend these screenings. Not only for the films, which were all entertaining, but for the experience of viewing, supporting, participating, and communicating with others at a GLBT event.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and have an opportunity in the not to distant future to check out these films.

And as I finish this post, once again my G-d playing deejay with the following on the radio: (I'm trying guys)
Supertramp:"Give A Little Bit"

Am I Walking Yet

Or still crawling?

So on Thursday I’m getting ready to go out and lo and behold I get a call from my named twin. It has been hit and miss with him in us attempting to get together to finally meet. Since he lives in my neighborhood, and he too was planning to go out on Thursday we agreed to get together for one drink. We met up at 10:15 at this little place down the street from me. One drink led to two drinks and what do you know it’s 11:30. Suffice it to say we had a good time, great conversation, and I think I surprised him. It turns out that he is a bit older than I but nonetheless he seems like a really fun and open guy. (and for the record, I was not physically attracted to him) He was planning to go to Fubar that night and I was planning to go to O-bar. It was my understanding that these two places were the places to go to on Thursday. He kept on prodding me to go to Fubar with him and meet some of his friends. Unfortunately, I had heard about Fubar’s Thursday night event and I didn’t feel I was ready for it just yet. Despite his best efforts he understood how I felt. Before we closed our tab, he did ask me one thing. He wanted to know if he could set me up with a friend of his. To which I replied YES! It was really nice to meet my named twin and I really believe a friendship is possible here.

I get to O-bar and the place has a decent crowd. The only problem was that within 20 minutes of me arriving the crowd starts to dissipate. (I didn’t realize I was such a turnoff....haha) I have a guess that as their drink specials ended guys left. Or maybe it was a weekday and guys had work in the morning. The funny thing about my experience at O-bar on this night was that I ran into some guys I met on my trip to weho in June. Unfortunately for them my answer this time was the same as it was last time.

I had two goals for Friday night. The first was to get over my apprehension about visiting Fiesta Cantina. The second was to make the first move and approach another guy instead of waiting for someone to approach me. In the past, whenever I had walked by Fiesta the place was packed. It reminded me of a bar from college where you go to get fucked up and I was always intimidated by those crowded places. That and Fiesta is very casual. So my plan was to get there before I thought it got busy. First off, my outfit was a t-shirt, shorts, sneakers, and I had no product in my hair. Casual at last! I arrived at Fiesta around 4:45 thinking that it would get busy for their happy hour as guys get off of work. The front patio was full but the inside was empty. That surprised me. I sat down at a table just to the left of the entrance. Perfect location to view the comings and goings outside as well as all those who enter. I enjoyed one too many double margaritas when I said to myself now is the time. There were two guys who I noticed as they entered. They ended up sitting at a table behind me. I turned to them and I believe I asked them, “When does it really get busy here?” I don’t remember what they said but that was all it took. We ended up talking for quite a while. They noticed me earlier and said that they thought I was from out of town. They thought that because as one of them commented, “no one goes to gay bars alone in weho.” Except me of course. haha
They were getting ready to leave and invited me to join up with them at the Abbey. I closed out my tab and then headed over to the Abbey. The only problem was that they didn’t make it there. I canvassed the Abbey and was livid feeling like I’d been played like a fool. I left the Abbey and went looking for them at Eleven. No such luck. I then decided to make one last trek back to the Abbey when one of them waved me down from another bar on the way to the Abbey. They apologized and said that clearly they did not make it to the Abbey. I joined them for a drink and then we all went to the Abbey. We were there for a little bit when the two of them said that they were going to go and celebrate one of their birthdays. (the guy I was more attracted to) Before they left I asked for their numbers and received them. I haven’t tried calling them yet but will in the next day or so. I stayed for another drink and then went home. I drank quite a bit and passed out as soon as I got home.

Despite my continued disappointment in going out and coming home alone, although it has really only been 3 nights, I had fun yesterday and met my goals for the night. I even got two numbers. :-) However, analyzing it today I think I missed some signals. First one was when we were at Fiesta. I was leaning over their table and the one who I thought was cute, whom I told had beautiful eyes, was brushing his leg up against mine. I certainly noticed and felt it. Was that a sign or a signal? He knew how green I was so why didn’t he lead me further? Then when they left the Abbey and they clearly said they were going to celebrate one of their birthdays, was that a cue for me to say something like, “well can I come so you can unwrap your present?”

The joys of being fifteen again!

Tears For Fears-"Elemental"

OUTFEST 2008

As they say when in Rome......

I learned about OUTFEST this weekend from the guy who has the same name. For those that don’t know, OUTFEST 2008 is the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. Apparently the festival has been going on for a number of days now, and each night they screen a number of different films. I did a little research on the festival over the last few days and today was the first night that I actually went to go see a screening. This was the first film festival that I have ever attended.

I really had a nice night. In the lobby of the theatre before the screening I ran into a guy that I had met on Sunday at the function I attended. We spoke a little beforehand and I provided a bit more detail about my life and why I recently moved to LA. We then viewed the screening together. I got his business card and I look forward to his friendship and support as I continue to settle here in LA. He is a really nice guy who is a bit older than I, he already has a partner, and he has quite a few contacts here in town.

Tonight I saw Keen on Boys. Keen on Boys was a compilation of a number of different short films. The films were; Mr. A, Shotgun, Tá, Center of the Universe, Two Spirits One Journey, Romeo’s Kiss, and Silver Road. I thought all of them were decent shorts, but the ones that spoke to me the most were Center of the Universe, Two Spirits One Journey, and Silver Road. At the conclusion of the screening was a question/answer period with the writers of the films. I thought that was very cool, although the detail about film making is foreign to me. That is one of the funny things about me now living out here in Hollywood. I have never really been a film aficionado. I either find a film entertaining or a waste of time. I am here, and to steal a line from the short film Two Spirits One Journey, “you’re going to Hollywood, can you pick a more gay city.” And you guys know the rest.

Since I had such a nice night I decided that I would take advantage of this festival and screen a number of other films. So I bought tickets to Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild for Saturday night, Antarctica for Sunday afternoon, and Were the World Mine for Sunday night which also happens to be the Awards night as well as having an after party.

I’m looking forward to these remaining films for the cultural experience and the sense of community that they foster. And who knows, maybe I will meet someone. At a minimum, I hope my rigid and stiff concrete barrier will begin to crack as I gain more comfort and familiarity within the community.

Tipping Point?

The trip started off with a smile and a chuckle. As I turned on my Ipod shuffle at the airport the first song, of the 200+ I have on it, that randomly came on was Changes by 2pac. Landed in Burbank and of course since I was in LA I had to choose a Prius for my rental. This was my first time driving one of those and it will probably be my last. The seats were terribly uncomfortable and I thought it was basically a people mover with little emotional excitement. Albeit I was pretty excited when I had to fill up what little gas I used and it only cost me $6.14.

The first planned event for the weekend, or so I thought it would be, was my lunch with Pablo on Thursday. The plan was for us to meet at a specific restaurant between 1:30pm and 2:00pm. I called Pablo at 1:20pm on Thursday and left him a message that I would be there closer to 2:00pm since I was meeting with a leasing agent. I get to the restaurant a little before 2:00pm and begin the wait. 2:00pm rolls around and no Pablo. 2:17pm rolls around, no Pablo and I still haven't heard from him so I call him again and leave another message. 2:30pm I say fuck it, I eat and then leave. I get in the Prius at 2:45pm and finally hear from Pablo. Suffice it to say I was fucking pissed. And I told him so. To his credit, and obviously as he should have been, he was completely apologetic for spacing and forgetting that we were supposed to meet. I gave him a bunch of crap, mostly toungue in cheek, and then we did finally meet. He was helpful and I’m glad that I had the chance to meet him and say thanks.

The rest of Thursday was basically spent walking every street of the western part of West Hollywood looking for rental house properties. Spending these 3 hours walking certainly provided me with a lot of thinking time. Because I did not see very many available properties for rent, and I found myself a bit uncomfortable with a few landlords who showed me their places, I began to seriously doubt whether I had made the right decision in embarking on all of these changes. I began to wonder what the hell I was doing walking the streets of WEHO and whether I was really ready for this dramatic change. The grass I saw was certainly greener in WEHO than in Phoenix but for the first time I wasn’t so sure if mine would be.

Friday was more of the same with the exception that first thing in the morning I called a good deal of people whose properties I either saw on Craigslist, ApartmentHunterz, or by foot on Thursday. Shockingly, I did not receive a call back from any of the people I called. The only response I got from any of them was a text message that I received when I landed in Phoenix on Sunday. I guess it is for the best because I was initially leaning towards renting a house, but after much thought that probably isn’t the most efficient way for me to meet people. So in the afternoon I began to look at some apartment buildings. I believe I found a place that has everything I was looking for with the exception of it being a little longer walk to most of the nightlife. After visiting it and a number of other places I decided to check into my hotel. Since I love all things British this is my second visit to The London and I gotta say it is a sweet place. (although the guys working there were cuter the last time I visited) I would definitely check it out if you ever visit WEHO. (it's a short walk to Santa Monica blvd. and has a killer room, bathroom, and pool) I went out for dinner and then had a few drinks back at the hotel while I relaxed, reflected, and waited for the night of Friday the 13th to come.

The plan for the night was to check out a place I did not visit on my last trip, Eleven. I got there around 10:15pm and it was neither sparse nor full. The first thing that I noticed and liked about the place was the age diversity of the crowd. It was pretty apparent at that hour, however as time wore on it definitely skewed younger. I headed straight to the bar, ordered the bartender's special, which was a pome something or other kamikaze, which was pretty good for $11. I made brief small talk with this older guy at the bar, got my drink, and then walked around the bar a bit to check it out. After my sortie I found a strategic place to hang with views of the front part of the bar as well as views from the patio to the bar. (decent traffic areas) I know this statement is getting very old and tired, but once again I found it very intimidating to be at a bar by myself. As the place filled up, I did not see more than 3 people there by themselves. Some time passed, I spoke briefly with these two guys, one of which didn’t speak much English and then my new experience happened.

I was standing about 7 feet from this table of 2 guys and 4 girls. One of the girls comes up to me and says, “you’re hot!” I acknowledge her, chuckle and turn towards the table. I take a few steps towards their table and another one of the girls says, “you’re really hot!” After that one of the guys, I’ll call him Valencia, comes up to me and we start talking. For the next hour Valencia and I talked, and for much of the time he was all over me. He groped, touched, and moved his hands around just about every part of my body with the exception of my feet. It was pretty exciting and for a minute or two there I was even beginning to get hard and to be honest quite worried. Valencia would pick up my right arm, hold it out then look me up and down. He would then do that with my left arm. He was very playful, physical, and would pick up my shirt to look at my abs. He would then move his hand down to my package. I am a pretty shy, bashful, and reserved individual in the real world. Take those characteristics and then compound them with jumping into my new, real, and honest gay life and what do you think I thought? I thought that this new experience was certainly very exciting but also very awkward and uncomfortable for me. We then got some drinks when I then asked what was upstairs. I prodded and prodded but he wouldn’t tell me. Valencia wanted me to follow him up there. So we finally went up there and there was a packed dance floor. He tried to get me to dance but I couldn’t. I really do like to dance but I still do not have that picture of myself reconciled in my mind of ME dancing with another guy in a public place. So obviously we went back downstairs. From there we got another drink and our connection began to fleet. It fleeted because of ME. As into me as he was, I was just not as into him. (so I thought at the time) I was also fighting MY perception of the stigma, that there is something inherently wrong with coming out and getting experience through hooking up. I left Eleven and overall had a really good time despite going home alone to such a sweet room.

Saturday morning I woke up around 10:00am. I went for a 7 mile run around town with an emphasis on the area where I believe I will be moving to. (Note to self; apply sunscreen next time you run in LA with a sleeveless shirt) I met up with my friend Reggie for lunch and we had to drive around for quite awhile trying to find a place that wasn’t too crowded and had available parking within a reasonable walking distance. That seemed to be quite the challenge. We ended up at his fourth choice which was La Petit Greek on Larchmont Blvd . That was a cool village and a really good restaurant. This village is one of the reasons why I love California. (local shops without a whole lot of national chains) I love greek food and La Petit had awesome hummus and tzatziki. I would definitely recommend it. We talked quite a bit, walked around, and then headed back to The London. There we spent the rest of the afternoon, and for me into the evening, poolside enjoying the drinks, view, and atmosphere.

At night I went to Here, a place I had been to on my last visit, and arrived there around 10:20pm. It was surprisingly empty. I got a drink, walked around, and ended up on the patio. Within a few minutes, and after me almost knocking down a very tall and temporary column which was made out of fabric instead of stone…haha, I struck up a conversation with two girls and a guy. The two girls as I learned were partners and the guy was their gay friend. My conversation then became isolated with one of the girls. We talked for about an hour about everything; what I’m going through, her coming out story, Arizona, WEHO, how many girls we've slept with, their new business, taxes, politics, etc... It was my first in depth conversation with a lesbian. (ooh, how exciting) It was really an unexpected conversation but I must say a nice one. As we were talking the place started to fill up. Towards the end of our conversation, and with her partner and their friend having already gone inside to dance, she asked me to join them inside. I followed her in, but like the night before I would not join them on the dance floor. I went to the bar and got another drink. For the next hour or so I was pretty much by myself, taking the occasional sortie but mostly finding a good place to observe, drink, and think. In such a crowded bar it was an extremely lonely feeling. I then began to really doubt whether I could do this. Whether I could continue to come to gay nightclubs by myself, whether this was the right avenue for me to be exploring and meeting people, whether I would develop the courage to make the first move in flirting with a guy, and whether my mind would ever allow me to feel the joy, freedom, and love that so many of the guys I saw were experiencing and express it in a public place for others to see. Suffice it to say it was an extremely long hour and one in which I was about to leave the bar and thought to myself whether I would ever venture to another gay bar by myself again. And then something happened.

It was around 12:30am and two guys approached. A guy who was interested in me and his wingman. (I don’t even know if the wingman terminology is used in the homo world) The three of us spoke for about 15 minutes and then another one of their friends showed up. He was the hottest of the three and the one I was attracted to. Nonetheless, the hot guy and wingman left after a few minutes and I was left with interested guy. He was a nice guy but one in which I was not physically attracted to. We spoke for about 15 minutes and I asked him a bunch of questions on gay life. He sensed I wasn’t really into him and departed to meet up with his friends at the Abbey. I then moved from the narrow part of the building back to the main bar/dance floor room. Then another two guys approached. It was kind of the same deal as the first group. However, interested guy asked a good question, “why are you so serious.” (I’ll touch on that later) Apparently interested guy, who was really short, just graduated from UCLA and his wingman asked me how I’m going to congratulate him. I threw it back at wingman and asked him how did he congratulate his friend? Once again I was interested in the wingman and not in interested guy. Interested guy picked up on this after a few minutes of me talking with wingman and then he bolted. Unfortunately, wingman was there to follow him.

So what are the mores in the gay world about this experience? Are there any? In the future if I flirt more with wingman and not the one who is interested in me, would interested guy have allowed his wingman, assuming mutuality, to flirt on even though he was the one who had the initial interest? Or will most wingmen respect their friend's initial interest?

Then another guy immediately approached who happened to see me the night before at Eleven. We spoke for quite a bit but once again I wasn’t interested. However, he too added a pearl of wisdom which I listened to. To paraphrase, he said something to the effect that I should be more open because I have a lot to give and offer. Although I clearly haven’t heeded his advice up to now, or the similar thoughts that have been expressed by my friends, I do believe it. It was just suprising and nice to here it at Here. I left there shortly after and once again alone. (fuck, what a nice room having gone to waste)

Ultimately, it was a more difficult weekend then I thought it would be. But once again I survived and believed I learned a little bit more. My goal for the weekend was to find a place and show my face and I believe I accomplished both of those. Throughout the four days my emotions rode the rails from excitement to anger to doubt to awkwardness to frustration to sadness and back to excitement. I am resolute and committed to this journey and my honest life but once again realize that for ME this process will be an incredibly difficult struggle. And I freely acknowledge that the difficulty that I face continues to be self imposed and in my own mind. I recognize that these initial forays are very uncomfortable for me and I present a very serious and most likely unattractive vibe when I am out at clubs alone. I am hopeful that this serious presence will begin to soften as I become more comfortable and sure of myself. I really want to change and know I have to change. How can I not change after what I observed this weekend; so many friends, partners, and lovers expressing warmth, love, and emotion to one another in such a public way? I do feel good because despite the plethora of hot guys in WEHO I know that I can compete from a physical looks standpoint with most of them. It’s my mind and openness that I still need to work on, both of which are my unattractive qualities at this point in time. I need to get out there full time and begin to meet some new friends. I need their support and their help, and I may even need a little push. There I said it, for the first time in my life I may need help!

Jimmy Eat World-"The Middle"

Boy Mitzvah!

What a whirlwind of a weekend! For those that have been reading since the start, it should come as no surprise to see that I take meanings and messages from all sorts of different things and events that happen in my life. In a sense, that is my faith and how I connect with my G-d up above. Not only that, but my mind is just too active and goes in all different directions. (Remember, I’m a Type A Virgo) So with that as the preface, here goes in narrative form:

I left Phoenix for San Diego midday on Friday. The weather was lousy in Phoenix, light rain, and I guess the system extended all the way into Southern California. I was bumped up to first, which was nice, but the flight was turbulent for half of the time in the air, we were 1.5 hours late taking off, and no special songs came on in my ipod. We land in San Diego, and what do you know, light rain. Before heading out to San Diego, I did some research online trying to find the gay hot spots to check out. I must have gone to at least five different sites and none of them had any reviews worth their salt. Based on the events they had listed on their website for the weekend, I planned out each night on where I would hit. I read that Hillcrest was pretty casual, so I opted for a pair of Luckys, a long sleeve knit, and a grungy long sleeve button down. This along with leaving my hair as is without any product, was as casual as you will probably see me. I left the Westin at around 8:15 because I also needed to eat.

First mind wandering adventure was asking the bellhop to get me a cab and telling him where I needed to go. Clearly I’m playing over and over in my head that I told him 5th Ave. and Robinson and that is in Hillcrest? What is the bellhop going to think of me by going to Hillcrest? And then the cabbie? I’m not saying these thoughts are right or wrong to have, but the honest truth is that I still have them. The taxi dropped me off where I had asked, and then the rain started to intensify. I had to walk a few blocks to get to Mo's so I thoroughly enjoyed the rain, that’s a lie, dodging it by scurrying from awning to awning. I arrived at Mo’s and to my great surprise the place was packed. I also had no idea what I looked like. As mentioned earlier, my plan was to go out a bit earlier to eat and make a low key entrance. Well so much for the low key entrance. I walked around a bit and that’s where I find it so intimidating to be a lone wolf in a gay bar. Nonetheless, I needed some meat, so a small table opened up by the bar inside and I grabbed it. The waiter was pretty cool and I began to order some Patron Margaritas, (awesome stuff, but too much of a good thing?????) a burger and fries. A little bit after I sat down, another guy by himself sat down at the table next to me. He seemed to be a regular, because a number of people would stop by and say hello as he was seated. Midway through his meal, he broke the ice with, “What’s a straight guy like you doing at a gay bar like Mo’s?” I started to laugh and followed it with, “it’s funny you should say that. Is it that obvious how uncomfortable I look here?” He moved over to my table and we got into talking for quite awhile and he seemed to be a nice guy who was intrigued by my story. I even mentioned the blog as his first line fit beautifully with my life and experiences. We come from a different set of experiences in that he came out when he was 16 and I clearly did not. He thought I was 27 and believed that he was much older than I. I told him that I was older than that but I certainly appreciated the comments. He also said that he liked my smile and that I should smile more. (deep down I hate to smile) We talked for quite awhile, had some good conversation, laughed a bit, swapped phone numbers, and then he left for the night. Before he left, he did make an offer that if there was anything that I wanted to do, hint hint, while I was in town for the weekend, he would be open to it. I was obviously flattered, he was a decent looking guy, and did not know how to answer him so I simply said thanks. I got a text from him a little later, I responded to it, and that was that.

I talked with a few other guys from Tucson and then I met this guy from Sacramento. If I remember correctly, with him I broke the ice. However, I don’t remember what I said. He too thought that I was in my late 20s and I think he was in his early to mid 20s. Although he joked throughout the night that he was only 14. As you can see, age is a big hangup for me. The three times now that I’ve gone out to gay bars I’ve been told that I appear younger than I am, which makes me feel pretty good. However, now I’m beginning to wonder if that is just a flattering pickup line. But I digress. Oh Sac! Sac certainly knew what he wanted on Friday, and what he wanted was me. We talked for a few hours, I had too many drinks, and we left Mo’s a little after midnight. Looking back on it now, the second mind wandering adventure then occurred. I was leaving a gay bar with a cute guy and I did not look over my shoulder or have a care in the world. Now the two too many margaritas might have had something to do with it, but I believe it was more than that. We walked the streets a little bit looking for a cab, as he kept hitting me with a beach ball he took from Mo’s. We got back to the Westin and as they advertise, the bed was Heavenly! (haha) What I remember is this, we got in bed around 12:40 and he left at 4:56. I remember we kissed, he sucked, we canoodled, we spooned, we touched, and through mutual passion we created heat. As you recall, my one goal for this trip was to experience kissing another guy. So I’m pleased that I met my goal! It’s what I don’t remember that scares the hell out of me. I don’t remember dozing off during our time together, but I also don’t remember all that we did for those four hours. I also noticed in the middle of our romp when I went to the bathroom that I had four ovals on my shoulders and traps in various shades of cranberry. (thankfully none were on my neck) When I saw those my mind just went silly and I began to think the worst. (my first time, and what did I catch, etc….) My last girlfriend never exuded that much suction so it’s clearly been some time since I had one, and I don’t remember him being in one place for that long. Well except this other place. But that’s what has me so frightened. What other things could have happened that I don’t remember? And a side question, are hickeys big in the gay world?

Sac left just before five because he was in town with his family to attend his brother’s graduation. I’ve read other people's stories, so before he left, I checked for my wallet, phone, and other key things. I couldn’t find them, so I had Sac call my cell. When I found the cell I found everything else. I then remembered that I hid them in my luggage when we first got back to the hotel when he was in the bathroom. So I have Sac’s cell phone number and his fingerprints on the beach ball. I’m thinking of running a reverse phone search to get all of his data just in case. Am I crazy in fearing the worst in a situation where I simply just lost control and can't remember everything? I'm sure he's just a young, innocent, good guy. Right?

Saturday was a day of recuperation and reflection. I had lunch at the Yardhouse, they have a great spicy chicken sandwich, had a hangover till 3, and spent most of the day walking around the marina district. When I got back from walking I caught the tail end of History of the Joke with Lewis Black. I have to watch this in full, but I mention it because over these last few months I have begun to smile and laugh again. This show just brought that front and center and reminded me why laughter is so important. Once again the timing of it being on was funny. My friend Bob was in town for his granddaughter’s graduation so we met up at the The Palm for dinner. Since Bob is one of the four people who know what’s going on in my life, it was nice to let him know what happened a few hours earlier. I even joked that he was probably sitting next to the guy I was with. Where I felt my age was on Saturday night. Having achieved my goal, not wanting to drink again, and wanting to continue to reflect, I walked around the Gaslamp and then went back to the Westin.

The first thing that I noticed when I woke up on Sunday was that Sac called late on Saturday. He didn’t leave a message but the phone shows he called. Hmm, did he want a repeat or did he want to warn me about something?

Another reason for my visit to San Diego will become evident in the coming weeks. In preparation for that, I wanted to discover and see what San Diego was about. On Sunday, I spent most of the day doing just that. I walked from the hotel to Hillcrest, looked around the neighborhoods, walked through Cortez Hill, Balboa, Little Italy, and down by Pantoja Park. I walked a lot! I thought Little Italy had a much more vibrant and active street scene than Hillcrest had. That surprised me. Since I have a sweet tooth, for lunch I ate at Extraordinary Desserts . They have AWESOME desserts and if you love chocolate as much as I do I highly recommend it. (and since I walked a lot, the calories didn’t bother me) On Sunday night I went out to Universal . Universal is a new, more swanky restaurant and club in Hillcrest. Their goal is to be a mixed club that caters to both hetero and homo customers, albeit with the homos being the larger proportion. I left the hotel and got to Universal just before 8. Suprisingly, it wasn’t too crowded. That fit me fine. I got a great table out on the patio with a view that allowed me to see everyone as they entered. Before I sat down, I was also told by the hostess, a pretty blond chick, that the club side will be opening up at 9. Perfect! I’ll eat and have a few drinks for an hour and then go next door. Well, I ate and had a few drinks but at 9:15 I was told that the club wasn’t opening up tonight. How the f-ck does the club not open up on a Sunday of a holiday weekend, and more importantly why didn’t you tell your staff? I let it go and tried to just enjoy myself. Since the club wasn’t open, the patio area was filling up and it wasn’t a particularly large space. Unlike on Friday, I felt like I stood out more here. From when I was eating alone at my table to when I was standing up, I just felt more awkward. When in reality, I shouldn’t have because I fit their mixed theme, is he straight or is he gay? Which coincidentally is what I heard these two guys behind me asking. I didn’t see any other guys by themselves. Everyone was in groups so I had another two beers and left. I passed by Rich’s, which was another club a few buildings down, but they didn’t seem to be going off either so I headed back to the hotel.

So there you have it. I left San Diego this morning hoping and praying that the only thing that came back with me were the positive memories, feelings, and excitement of my first “experience” with another guy, a beach ball, and the above advertisement of a cool looking hotel on the beach I plan on staying at the next time I’m in town. (you gotta love airbrushed HOT guys with a chest like that!) I also hope that G-d's one lesson for me, which I have definitely learned, from the fear and aftermath of my first experience was that I can not allow myself to lose control like I did on Friday night. My health and life are too important to me for me too jeopardize everything by drinking one too many drinks and not knowing nor remembering what I did. I am also very proud of the fact that I am actually doing this and starting to really step forward.



Jimmy Eat World-"Praise To Chorus"