Friday, February 27, 2009

Six (th)

For the life of me I’m trying to figure out what happened and if I did anything wrong. I first wrote about my friendship with Gene and how I may have changed it in my Risk/Reward post. Then on the 26th of January I had my follow up conversation with him that I subsequently wrote about in my Your Answer Please post. As I told him at the time, the timing for me to express all of this was atrocious, but it was important enough for me to express my feelings and be completely honest with him. I truly thought he respected that. I truly thought he appreciated that. (he did, because that's what he told me) Most importantly, I thought that the conversation we shared on the 26th was one where we both got to experience a more emotionally intimate and authentically pure side of each other than what we had previously experienced before.

I left our dinner incredibly excited. Unfortunately, On the 28th of January I traveled back to Arizona where I remained until the 20th of February. Although I like to present an image to the world that nothing emotionally effects me, it’s all a charade. I AM HUMAN and 2009 has been emotionally draining. From my quest to find intimacy, love, and sense of place in Los Angeles, to the experience of my final weeks with and the eventual passing of my companion and best friend, to the reality of formally moving to L.A., having finally moved my own furniture and property out from Arizona, to every financial asset I own in a perpetual state of valuation free fall with no bottom in site thanks to our irresponsible government (the Democrats, whom I voted for appear to have learned NOTHING as it relates to spending money we don’t have from the Republicans of the last 8 years) So suffice it to say, my 2009 has not started out very well.

All the more reason for me to have been excited to get back to L.A. on the 20th and see what was to come in my relationship with Gene. While in Arizona, Gene and I spoke and texted each other a number of times but never did we follow up on our conversation. Having returned, on Friday night I met up with him and another friend of mine, whom I’ll call Militant, out for dinner. It was a good time and I was glad to see them both again. Obviously with Militant there, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left it on the 26th. So on Saturday night I go out to dinner with Gene and Ethan. Once again, Gene and I didn’t discuss anything pertinent to where we left off on the 26th since Ethan was with us. After dinner we went dancing at CPop where we met up with some of our other friends. It was at CPop when my emotions of the last few weeks finally began to hit me. Midway through the night, I detached myself from everybody, found a spot along a wall, and began to become very glazed and reflective. I can’t even begin to imagine what others thought of me as I stared into the abyss reflecting on everything that has gone on in my life over the last six weeks. As they were leaving, Gene and Ethan found me and we all went home.

Since that night I haven’t spoken with Gene. We’ve attempted to communicate with one another, although I’ve begun to wonder how serious an effort we’ve made based on the times we’ve tried to reach each other. So my sixth sense takes me back to what I had ironically questioned in my Your Answer Please post.

Six days to wonder what the answer would be.

Six days to wonder whether I had made a mistake.

Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.

At this point, I sense Gene just wants to be friends and doesn’t want to explore what those other feelings each of us may have had in the past for each other may have meant. I’m cool with that, and I accept and respect his decision. His friendship has been very important to me and I’ve conveyed to him, on numerous occasions, how appreciative of him I’ve been. I only hope that Gene has the courage to personally convey his thoughts to me so we can move beyond what we created on the 26th and our friendship can move forward in a positive way.

“Human”-The Killers (Armin Van Buuren Radio Remix)


queer heaven said...

Sorry Adam, I am confused .

Ed said...

Here's a hug, it sounds like you could use one. I can relate to presenting an image of confidence while I suffer alone and silently... its been my story for too long. The other day I had an epiphany... I'll blog about it this week.

Remember that living honestly allows you to experience heightened emotions. It can be overwhelming at times, but doesn't it beat living behind a wall completely numb?

X, Ed