2008, Consider the Cycle Broken!

It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.

The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.

So my journey began
with nothing but time on my side.
I found that as each week went by
fewer tears left my eyes.

It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.

So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.

I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.

I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.

So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!

2008 will be a year I'll never forget!

faceTHEbook

Through the years I’ve never participated in nor appreciated the varied social networking sites on the net. I believe that was for a number of reasons. First, I was ashamed of who I was. I’m not sure if it was that I was ashamed of being gay or that I was just simply uncomfortable with how I was living my life, but either way I was not authentic or honest. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought and the action, of showing and sharing myself with others. Second, I’m a competitive person and at times I have a problem with looking at things solely as a competition. I have always perceived the social networking sites to be a contest for those who want to play, collect, and show the world how many friends, or more accurately pretend friends they have. Actually pretend friends may be a bit harsh, so lets just say acquaintances. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought of competing on these sites in a game of who has the most friends. Third, I’m too old for these sites. These sites were initially created by and for the youth of today. So what possible value could they have offered a guy over 30?

Having just sat down to finish the rest of this post, and after having watched the movie MILK this afternoon with some friends, I feel awful. (MILK was inspiring and I highly recommend that you all see it)

I’m ashamed that I turned into this guy who was, and to be honest still is, consumed with what others think of him. What others perceive of me, I believe, is still having an impact on how I live my life. In many ways it’s a negative impact and it’s no one else’s fault, or problem, except my own.

This is all relevant because my friend out here in LA named Gene, who as I’ve mentioned before is having quite the impact on me, got me to change a few weeks ago. Him and some of his friends had a great Halloween skit/show that they performed for the crowds at the WeHo Halloween party. It just so happened that they videotaped it and Gene put it up on his facebook page. Joining facebook was the only way he would allow me to see it. On top of that, he took pictures of our very gay night out rollerskating a few weeks ago. Once again, facebook was the only way he would allow me to view the pictures. (I know, Gene’s such an ass) He prodded and prodded, so I finally joined facebook a few weeks ago with the sole intent on viewing the stuff that was previously forbidden. After having viewed the pictures from the costume party, I perceived myself to be dressed in an outfit that was SO GAY. Seeing myself made it very easy to let facebook just sit there. Once again I stepped back into the closet by choosing not to let my family and friends share in my life. It was just a costume and I am gay, but I guess all I thought about was what my family and friend’s perception of me would be based on those images. Are they going to think that Adam is SO GAY out there in California? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Thankfully, a new perspective was gained over the last few weeks during my trip back home to Phoenix. Having had some time to think, having spent some time with family and friends, and having had a conversation about facebook with my friend Runner, allowed me to see how foolish I had been. With all that said, I am ready to face the book and share my life. My initial batch of friend requests have been sent out.

Trik Turner-"Friends and Family"

Gone Hollywood

On Friday I went to a stylist, whom a friend recommended, and received my first haircut since moving to WeHo in July. Like many of the other changes in my life over the last few months, this grooming call was no exception. My last two haircuts I received on my visits back to Phoenix from the same guy who I've gone to since having arrived in Phoenix many years ago.

A friend of mine from Phoenix, who I’ve known for many years, used to call me “big wave Dave.” (because of my flowing front locks) I’m sorry to say that Dave has surfed his last wave. haha (at least for now) During my first visit I told my stylist, sounds so Hollywood compared to barber, what I was most conscious about and gave him permission to do whatever he wanted. (with the caveat that if he f’d up I wouldn’t be back) At first I wasn’t sure whether I liked it, but now I’m definitely sure. I love it! He cut off most of my hair and I’m okay with that. I look HOT!!!! (or so I’ve been told :-)) The best part about it was that he wasn’t too expensive. ($50 compared to what I used to pay in Phoenix, $27) He has his own salon in the expensive retail area of WeHo without any other stylists, so how he stays in business is beyond me.

On Saturday night I went to a friend’s movie release party where I met up with two friends. We ended up talking for most of the night where I had the chance to tell one of them my story. He was fascinated by it and I’m not quite sure why. Don’t guys normally change everything about their life in the span of a few months? haha We went our separate ways around 12:30am and I stopped by Suede, a dance club. By the time I got there the place was packed and I had a hard time getting into the groove having had the feeling that the party started and went on without me. :(

On Sunday night I went to see my friend’s movie, Saving Marriage at the Regent Showcase on La Brea. Saving Marriage is the true story of the fight in Massachusetts to save marriage equality. (it’s a documentary and the trailer is below) I thought it was a powerful film and I hope that the film’s distributors work to ensure that all Americans have the opportunity to see it. After the film I went out to dinner with a new friend of mine, and his friend. I had a good time and it was refreshing to hear that my views on the gays of WeHo, and the WeHo culture were not unique to me. They too were impressed by my story and admired how much I’ve done in the short time I’ve been here.

You know what, so am I.

"Saving Marriage" trailer

Dear Adam,

Well kid, I know it has been quite the struggle. What a long road for you to get to this point. It is only fitting that the interstate highway between Phoenix and Los Angeles is a fairly straight one, a metaphor for the life that you have lived.

All of those years looking at you in the mirror wondering if ever? If ever you would be honest with yourself, if ever you would come to grips and accept it, if ever you would take that chance, and if ever you would begin to live your life. Well if ever begins today!

By now, hopefully you have safely left the great state of Arizona, crossed over the Colorado River, and entered California on your way to West Hollywood. The symbolism of crossing that bridge must have been an emotional experience for you as you looked out the windshield at the future that lay ahead, along with that quick, last glance out the rear view mirror at the past you’ve known all too well. As you traveled further and further from the Arizona state line the realization I’m sure sunk in that your next trip back to Arizona all of a sudden got closer and closer. Closer to the time when the truth will finally be told and the burden forever lifted.

I’m proud of you and I hope you are as equally proud of yourself. I’m proud that you have made that change and taken that step forward in your life. Proud that you have taken that action which you believe was necessary to learn more about yourself and overcome the obstacles that you felt you faced. Proud that you have chosen to face your fears and challenge yourself in ways you have never challenged yourself before. Proud that you have chosen to live your life as your G-d created you to live it.

And you owe it to yourself to live life to its fullest as you! Don’t feel you need to pretend or be pressured to do something or be someone who you are not. In an effort to be like everyone else or to feel like you need to belong in West Hollywood. You have already lived that life of pretend.

So Be yourself! Be safe! Be smart! Be confident! Be real! Be free!

And most importantly Adam, it’s about time you started to love yourself for who you are!

Michael Jackson-"Man in the Mirror"

University Years.......and so it was written

My college years were clearly some of the best of times along with some of the most defining. It was during these years where I began to really believe that I may be gay but I didn’t accept it, didn’t want to believe it, and certainly wouldn’t allow myself to explore and live it. I loved my life and I wasn’t going to take the chance of what my life would have become had I come out. I never believed that being gay was wrong but I just never wanted to have any part of being gay. I didn't see myself like the image of a gay person that I had. So I reconciled in my mind and fully believed that the confusion I felt in the occasional attraction to another guy was simple jealousy. Jealousy in regards to the success many of my friends and peers had with girls. Be patient I told myself, for my time will come when I meet the right girl who I will passionately fall in love with and share some incredible sex.

As discussed in a prior post, I’m somewhat of a type A personality and an alpha male. So for me college was awesome. My personality made it very easy for me to live a straight life. Throughout college I had “a lot” of first dates, liked “some” girls, slept with a “few” and had a major “attraction” to one. But unlike 99% of college students, I was that 1% whose life was not led, nor revolved around their penis. My life was led by my mind and devoted to the things that I wanted to do and that would position me for career and financial success in the future. I am embarrassed, but honest nonetheless in saying that sex was not one of the things that I thought would lead me to career and financial success. So it took a back seat and just flaccidly swung from side to side. Looking back today, that attitude I had was likely because I probably knew that I really was gay and the sex that I wanted was something I couldn’t have.

What I could have was my job, my activities, my school, and my friends. I worked for the clothing store Structure, the place to shop before A&F, in high school and continued there throughout most of college. (yeah I know, that may have been another giveaway. haha) Throughout my college years it was here where I had my only “hmmm” experience. I met someone that I wish I would have taken the opportunity to explore more. It is easy now to look back and have regret, but at the time there was no way. If I remember correctly it was around my junior year and he started to work at the store I worked at. He was hired with another fraternity brother of his but they didn’t always work together. I remember the times we, I want to say his name was Mark but I really don’t remember, worked together and he was the first guy ever whom I noticed the way he smelled. I loved the way he smelled. We worked together often and we got along pretty well. We even hung out after hours, although always with some of our other work colleagues. (Michelle, Suzy, Mark, and I: the girl’s names I remember and I only wish I remembered if Mark was truly his name because I have tried to remember his name for over a year now. It’s also interesting how I can clearly remember the girls names but have doubt as to Mark’s) I remember we shared many a glances, at times a flirt, and some conversation but the bottom line is nothing ever happened and I will forever wonder what if. On the flip side Suzy and I spent some time together including a fraternity formal.



Greek Life, also called fraternity life, was a huge part of my life in college. For me, the fraternity experience was my classroom and many of my friends today are fraternity brothers. I never thought that I would join a fraternity, but I met a guy my first semester who invited me over to his frat house where I met some other guys, and I subsequently moved in before second semester. From there one thing led to another and life was pretty sweet. The parties were great, the atmosphere was great, and the guys were great, well most of them, and the opportunities were tremendous. I was president for a year, treasurer for a year, rush chair, social, etc….. I also used the fraternity as a platform to get involved in the Inter-Fraternity Council and individually was involved in a whole host of other well respected and known clubs and organizations throughout campus. I was always serious, responsible, and the guy that others would come to when they needed something done. I was respected. No one ever fucked with me, including during pledging because I was a difficult guy to read. (and that has carried on throughout my life) Living in a fraternity house; with the group showers, the pool, intramurals, all sorts of outdoor activities, the retreats, and all of the drunken debauchery, for 3 years provides one with endless opportunities to really get to know other guys. Did I think some had great bodies? Absolutely! Did I think some of them were attractive? Absolutely! Did I admire some of those great attractive bodies? Absolutely! But there was NEVER a time that I jerked off fantasizing about one of my brothers. I was also NEVER sexually attracted to any of them. Did I really know what I wanted at that time? Yes! What I wanted were friends. What I wanted was to be successful. What I wanted was to enjoy and be into fucking chicks. What I wanted was the picture perfect life that I was leading and the future filled with endless opportunities. What I wanted was to be like them, straight!

So it was in those years where I made the conscious choice to lead my life in a direction that I wanted it to go. In life whenever I have wanted something, I do what it takes to make it happen. So I made it happen that I wouldn’t be gay. And since birds of a feather flock together I decided that I was going to be the lead bird. Since I thought I found my flock, guys who I really got along with, guys who I cared about, and guys whom we shared a lot of similar interests, plans, and goals, I was not going to fly away nor lead them off into a different direction. I was going to lead them to success and great times and that’s what I did. Life was real good, so figuring out who I really was and what I really wanted sexually was going to have to wait. And as it turns out wait I did, forever chasing the mirage of heterosexuality!

The Refreshments-"Mekong"

Does the Car fit the Man?

Well for this man, the car that I drove for the past 12 years, including some years in college, has been some sort of minivan. Keep in mind that they were fleet vehicles for the two companies I worked for, nonetheless they certainly did fit my closeted, suburban, straight personal brand.

Not anymore.

After 3 months on order, I now have my first new car that finally fits me. I picked it up today and I fuckin LOVE it! Granted it's just a car and I would much rather love someone with a heart and a breath, and to be honest I much prefer to walk than to drive, but I still LOVE it. (And yes I do believe it is the man that makes the car, and not the car that makes the man.)

And check out the coolest safety and security feature I had added. This will come in real handy as I drive by all of the HATERS out there, or as they approach to watch me making out in the front!



So you want to go for a ride?

Nelly-"Ride Wit Me"