University Years.......and so it was written

My college years were clearly some of the best of times along with some of the most defining. It was during these years where I began to really believe that I may be gay but I didn’t accept it, didn’t want to believe it, and certainly wouldn’t allow myself to explore and live it. I loved my life and I wasn’t going to take the chance of what my life would have become had I come out. I never believed that being gay was wrong but I just never wanted to have any part of being gay. I didn't see myself like the image of a gay person that I had. So I reconciled in my mind and fully believed that the confusion I felt in the occasional attraction to another guy was simple jealousy. Jealousy in regards to the success many of my friends and peers had with girls. Be patient I told myself, for my time will come when I meet the right girl who I will passionately fall in love with and share some incredible sex.

As discussed in a prior post, I’m somewhat of a type A personality and an alpha male. So for me college was awesome. My personality made it very easy for me to live a straight life. Throughout college I had “a lot” of first dates, liked “some” girls, slept with a “few” and had a major “attraction” to one. But unlike 99% of college students, I was that 1% whose life was not led, nor revolved around their penis. My life was led by my mind and devoted to the things that I wanted to do and that would position me for career and financial success in the future. I am embarrassed, but honest nonetheless in saying that sex was not one of the things that I thought would lead me to career and financial success. So it took a back seat and just flaccidly swung from side to side. Looking back today, that attitude I had was likely because I probably knew that I really was gay and the sex that I wanted was something I couldn’t have.

What I could have was my job, my activities, my school, and my friends. I worked for the clothing store Structure, the place to shop before A&F, in high school and continued there throughout most of college. (yeah I know, that may have been another giveaway. haha) Throughout my college years it was here where I had my only “hmmm” experience. I met someone that I wish I would have taken the opportunity to explore more. It is easy now to look back and have regret, but at the time there was no way. If I remember correctly it was around my junior year and he started to work at the store I worked at. He was hired with another fraternity brother of his but they didn’t always work together. I remember the times we, I want to say his name was Mark but I really don’t remember, worked together and he was the first guy ever whom I noticed the way he smelled. I loved the way he smelled. We worked together often and we got along pretty well. We even hung out after hours, although always with some of our other work colleagues. (Michelle, Suzy, Mark, and I: the girl’s names I remember and I only wish I remembered if Mark was truly his name because I have tried to remember his name for over a year now. It’s also interesting how I can clearly remember the girls names but have doubt as to Mark’s) I remember we shared many a glances, at times a flirt, and some conversation but the bottom line is nothing ever happened and I will forever wonder what if. On the flip side Suzy and I spent some time together including a fraternity formal.



Greek Life, also called fraternity life, was a huge part of my life in college. For me, the fraternity experience was my classroom and many of my friends today are fraternity brothers. I never thought that I would join a fraternity, but I met a guy my first semester who invited me over to his frat house where I met some other guys, and I subsequently moved in before second semester. From there one thing led to another and life was pretty sweet. The parties were great, the atmosphere was great, and the guys were great, well most of them, and the opportunities were tremendous. I was president for a year, treasurer for a year, rush chair, social, etc….. I also used the fraternity as a platform to get involved in the Inter-Fraternity Council and individually was involved in a whole host of other well respected and known clubs and organizations throughout campus. I was always serious, responsible, and the guy that others would come to when they needed something done. I was respected. No one ever fucked with me, including during pledging because I was a difficult guy to read. (and that has carried on throughout my life) Living in a fraternity house; with the group showers, the pool, intramurals, all sorts of outdoor activities, the retreats, and all of the drunken debauchery, for 3 years provides one with endless opportunities to really get to know other guys. Did I think some had great bodies? Absolutely! Did I think some of them were attractive? Absolutely! Did I admire some of those great attractive bodies? Absolutely! But there was NEVER a time that I jerked off fantasizing about one of my brothers. I was also NEVER sexually attracted to any of them. Did I really know what I wanted at that time? Yes! What I wanted were friends. What I wanted was to be successful. What I wanted was to enjoy and be into fucking chicks. What I wanted was the picture perfect life that I was leading and the future filled with endless opportunities. What I wanted was to be like them, straight!

So it was in those years where I made the conscious choice to lead my life in a direction that I wanted it to go. In life whenever I have wanted something, I do what it takes to make it happen. So I made it happen that I wouldn’t be gay. And since birds of a feather flock together I decided that I was going to be the lead bird. Since I thought I found my flock, guys who I really got along with, guys who I cared about, and guys whom we shared a lot of similar interests, plans, and goals, I was not going to fly away nor lead them off into a different direction. I was going to lead them to success and great times and that’s what I did. Life was real good, so figuring out who I really was and what I really wanted sexually was going to have to wait. And as it turns out wait I did, forever chasing the mirage of heterosexuality!

The Refreshments-"Mekong"