City of Wonder

Last week when I got home from the club during the midnight hour of early Saturday morning here in Phoenix I was really upset. Needing to talk with someone I called one of my friends in WeHo. Thankfully, he was there to answer my call.

The conversation began with me discussing my disappointment in how the night went and how I didn’t have the opportunity to compare the boys of Phoenix to the boys of WeHo. That led us into a comparative discussion about our experiences in West Hollywood. To start, I go back to a line that was communicated to me back in the spring in regards to WeHo.

“One type of mo predominates here, but you don’t have to be like that. Just appreciate them for what they are (pretty and easy to get in bed) and don’t worry if you’re not one of them.”

That quote helped reinforce for me the image that I already had of WeHo and what I thought the opportunities a move there would present for both my personal and sexual growth. Obviously and quite honestly, what I was most excited about in the short term was my sexual growth. So I am most surprised that it is my personal growth in WeHo that has left me feeling so great. Each time I have come out to a new family member or friend I have cited a litany of positive emotions in the way I have felt since arriving in WeHo. Since I believe most of them have their own image of what WeHo represents, and many of them have commented about how happy and positively different I appear to be, I’m left to laugh because I reckon that many of them think that my needs are finally being serviced now that I’ve come out and that is why I’m so happy. Little do they know. haha

So as I told my friend, WeHo has given me life. The people that I’ve met in WeHo so far have provided me with hope, and they have renewed my spirit in the many opportunities that are still out there for me yet to achieve. I believe the quality of the guys that I’ve met in WeHo is high and as such I don’t believe they would fall under, “the type of mo that predominates here.” For me, WeHo remains a City of Wonder because I’m left to wonder if I will ever meet these pretty boys who are easy to get in bed. I really want to appreciate them. haha In all seriousness, I’m looking for balance in my life. I need to find it. I must find it.

My friend on the other hand, and as I understood it, was very frustrated with his experience in WeHo because most of the guys he has met do meet the pretty and easy to get in bed criterion. He wonders whether he will ever meet a quality guy, with substance, that wants a long term relationship and is willing to move at a measured pace to get there.

So what does this all mean?

I really don’t fully know yet. I’m left to wonder if our curses will be lifted and we will be able to find what each of us is looking for in my City of Wonder.

Rihanna-”Disturbia”

Mom, Dad........I'm

To lay the groundwork, I called both my father at home and my mother at work on Monday evening, after my 6.5 hour drive from weho, to let them know that I was back in town and I wanted to get together on Tuesday. (my sister had previously informed me that my mom would be off of work on Tuesday) They were both a bit surprised, asked a few questions as to why I was back, but nothing too pressing where I needed to be more descriptive over the phone. My dad had a doctor’s appointment in the morning so the time was set for Tuesday around 3:00pm.

Tuesday morning started off well. I awoke at 5:30am when my cell alarm went off. I took my dog for a walk and then went back to sleep. It was during this sleep, between 6:30am and 9:30am, where I had such a comforting dream. I dreamt that I was fully liberated, comfortable, and free. I had this dream of myself being totally loose, affectionate, and playful with another guy in a public setting. Totally uninhibited and carefree. All things, to be quite honest, which I have not been. So when I awoke for the second time, I had a smile on my face and a belief that this was yet another sign from above telling me that everything would work out for the best.

At 1:40pm I left my house. I live about an hour from my parents so it is quite the drive. The drive was the final time for me to reflect on what I hoped to say, what I wanted to say, and what I had to say. After about 20 minutes, I realized that I’d done too much reflection. I knew I was prepared and had been so for some time. So I then began to smile with a tremendous sense of pride, happiness, and confidence. It’s been an extremely long road and I was ecstatic that I actually made it to the point where I had this opportunity. I then put in my feel good music cd and made sure the last two songs I listened to before I arrived at their house were Sound of Freedom and Love Generation by Bob Sinclair.

My mom answered the door and we hugged and kissed. I then went in to the living room where my dad was watching CNBC. We hugged and said our hellos. My mom was working on the computer, so for the first few minutes I went back and forth between their home office to help her with the printer, and the living room to speak with my dad. When my mom was done, she joined us in the living room. They have an L shaped leather sofa and a separate leather chair w/ottoman. I was sitting on the long side of the sofa, my mom was sitting to the left of me on the short side of the sofa, and my dad was sitting on the chair directly across from me watching CNBC. So as soon as all of us were sitting down, my dad asks, “so why are you back? You weren’t supposed to be back until September. What’s up? Are you moving back to Phoenix?” I told him to turn the sound off as there was something I wanted to talk about. I did not ask him to turn the TV off nor did he and that turned out to be a mistake. So this is how I led it off:

“No I am not moving back to Phoenix now. So far I have really enjoyed my time in West Hollywood. Although it has only been four weeks, I have never loved myself as much as I do now, I have never been more happy than I am now, I have never been more proud of myself than I am now, and I have never been as confident in who I am as I am now. I have done a lot of reflecting over these last few months, really over a year now, and I’ve realized that I haven’t liked the person that I’ve become and more importantly liked the fact that I haven’t shared my life with those most important to me. I acknowledge that I’ve built a tremendous wall up around me over the years, and we’ve joked about that in the past, in that I never have anything to say. I hope that changes today. The reason that I am all of those things that I mentioned earlier; never been more happy, never been more proud, never been as confident, and never loved myself as I do now is because after all of these years I’ve finally come to grips with and accepted myself for who G-d created me to be. Mom, dad, I’m Gay!”

It was at that point where I thought my mom would just lose it. She didn’t, and I was very surprised at how composed she was. That had me very concerned. My dad on the other hand wouldn’t turn to look at me. He just kept staring at the TV. I continued on with some of the things that I needed to say. They included:

I am what I am and I am okay with that. I am the same person today as I was one month ago, 1 year ago, and 10 years ago. You just now know the real and honest me.

This is not something I have chosen for myself, but rather something for who I am. Just like I have blue eyes or am right handed. Believe me, this is something that has taken me a very long time to accept and I can honestly say that I have tried to suppress it and fight it for many, many years. I am attracted to guys and I have finally accepted it. I look at it as a gift from G-d, and I’m sharing that gift with you today.

You may feel a sense of loss, similar to mourning the loss of a family member. In a way it’s like a type of death, that of a set of images and expectations that you had for me are now gone. This feeling is natural and it is okay to grieve the loss of those images.

Healing will proceed at different paces for different people. You will go through a period of grief which should last for sometime before hopefully arriving at a point of acceptance. This is normal, and I hope you understand that it took me a very long time to accept who I am, so I really do anticipate and expect that it will take you some time to process all of this before coming to your own terms of acceptance

.

You may feel a sense of self blame. In many cases that is normal. I can assure you though that you did nothing wrong. You did not raise me wrong. To the contrary, you raised me right. You did nothing but provide me with all of the opportunities in the world to live my life. And I’m extremely grateful for that. I’ve had a wonderful life. It just hasn’t been totally complete and honest. The phrase that I’ve penned is that for the longest time I’ve let life lead me, but now I’m going to lead my life.

Whatever form the pain takes, do not suppress or deny it. I did for way too long. It’s not worth it. Your pain is real, it’s normal, and you are entitled to it. Please ask for help. Either from me, the support organizations that I’ve provided you with, or from friends

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At this time, the coming out process shifts. You will now have your own. Upon accepting who I am, you will have to decide to whom and when to tell. At your time and at your pace.

I then looked at my dad and asked if everything was okay because he hadn’t looked at me. He looked over and said, “yes.” I looked over at my mom and she said, “you are who you are. I love you!” and then came over and gave me a hug. The conversation continued but I pretty much led it. The only time my mom got tearful was when my voice started to waver a bit. I know she will be emotional when I am not there, but this had me a bit concerned. I also was a bit surprised that they didn’t ask too many questions. Throughout the conversation we got off track about three times venturing into discussions about politics, money, and more detail about West Hollywood. Each time I had to bring the conversation back by saying, “you guys seem to be taking this in stride. You know I fully expect that it will take some time for this to sink in for you and anticipate that you will have emotional challenges to come. Please let it out. Don’t bottle it up.” I gave them the 3 books I bought for them and provided them three websites to check out for support. After that, our conversation wandered and we moved on to other things.

So to wrap it all up with my parents, it is what it is and I am what I am. I love my parents very much and that feeling is mutual. Before I left, and now that my dad is mobile again, I showed him my new car and gave him a ride in it. When we pulled back into his driveway, we both got out and he walked over to my side of the car. He gave me a hug and said, “you’re the same person you were and I love you!” I responded, “I love you too,” and then headed to my brother’s house. Before I left and as I was sitting in my car, my dad came back over and offered advice on how to tell my brother. I thought that was something. :-)

My brother’s family lives about 10 minutes south of my parents. My plan in coming out to my brother was to jump right in. So my brother is sitting on a chair in the front playroom, I am on the floor playing with my 5 year old nephew in that front playroom, and my sister-in-law and 2 year old niece are in the kitchen.

My brother began to ask how things were in LA and this is where I started. I said to him, “you know what one of the main reasons why I moved to LA is, right? I went to LA because I am G.......A........Y!” (I had to spell it out because of the ages of my niece and nephew.) My brother had a really confused/forced smile look on his face. He couldn’t believe that I was actually gay. The next thing was pretty funny. I said to my sister-in-law in the kitchen, “did you hear what I just told your husband?” She answered, “no,” and came into the room. My nephew then said, “J....Y.” I began to chuckle and said, “sister-in-law I’m G.......A........Y.” She responded with either that’s awesome, I’m so happy for you, or I’m so supportive. I don’t remember, but she came over and gave me a hug. The remainder of the conversation turned out to be really fun because both my brother and sister-in-law were trying to ask questions and I was trying to answer them without imbuing any information that could be picked up by my niece or nephew. (who btw are totally adorable and I am completely jealous of my brother for) They both took it well, although I believe my brother will need to understand what being gay really means as compared to the stereotypes that he is familiar with. I bought him a book but it hadn’t arrived yet. We covered many of the same topics as I had with my parents so I won’t repeat them here. It was a very nice and open conversation although I am a bit surprised that neither of them said they ever suspected it. My sister-in-law only hoped that I would loosen up and have some fun when I moved to LA. (loosen up, fun at gay bars in weho....me.......ha she needs to read my blog :-) ) We moved on to other topics as I continued to play with my niece and nephew. It was kind of amazing that in the six weeks since I last saw my niece, she learned to talk. It was awesome! And when I left, my brother left it with this, “I’m 100% behind you.” I start to chuckle, and he says, “well not really behind you but you know what I mean.” We all start to laugh! It was a nice close to a great day.

08/05/08

What's your address?

Last night I had dinner with my parents. About 15 minutes after I arrived my mom asked me for the address to the new place. I told her that my address wasn’t changing as my mail from Phoenix would be forwarded. She then asked me what city I was going to live in, Hollywood or West Hollywood? (I told my sister about two weeks ago that I found a place in Hollywood) She said others were asking. Up until this point I have been kind of vague. I believed, although it may be my own perception of what West Hollywood means, that if I admitted from the beginning that I was moving to West Hollywood then that would certainly have given away my big secret.

(Backing up a second, the only people that know, or who I have told, that I am moving are my immediate family members and the four guys mentioned earlier in the Loose Ends post. All of my friends who received my email in the Runners, take your mark post simply know that I will be traveling.)

Early on I told my family that I was moving to LA. After my visit there a few weeks ago, the location was then narrowed down to the West LA, Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills area. So for my mom to specifically ask and mention West Hollywood was quite interesting and a bit surprising. For a brief second there I was going to ask her who was asking, and who are you telling that I am moving, and then I said to myself I don’t care anymore. I told her that I was moving to West Hollywood and that was the end of it. She didn’t probe any further, but I have a sense that if she doesn’t know about West Hollywood or it’s demographic makeup now, she will most likely learn about it from whoever was asking.

Despite this unexpected surprise of a question, I believe this is how I ultimately wanted it to happen. For my family and friends to assume that I was gay before I had to tell them. With this thinking and the steps that I have taken in learning more about myself and changing my life, I am not sure if I should be ashamed or proud of my measured way of coming out.

The First Talk

Today is the day I begin to open up to my family. The talk that I was hoping to have with them two weeks ago will occur today. This is not planned to be “the talk” but quite honestly I don’t know what it may turn into. I believe my dad sensed something on Wednesday when we spoke. So if somehow they have finally put the pieces together and decide to ask me whether I am gay, well I don’t know how I will answer that. Today’s talk is to outline with my parents that I have left my place of employment and will be setting up a second residence in Southern California. It will also be to discuss with them that I don’t have a structured plan as to how, in the short term, I will earn a living. That to me is not important at this point in my life. What's important to me today is to finally figure out exactly who I am with 100% certainty. So my plan as I will communicate it to them is that I am taking some time off to figure out what “I” want to do in the future that will provide "me" with the greatest amount of fulfillment, inspiration, and happiness. Period!!!!!!!!!! It’s no longer solely about the money, it’s no longer about their picture of what a successful life is, and it’s no longer about going through life’s motions. It’s all about the American dream, my American dream and taking a chance at living it!