Time Flies

Has it really been 11 months since I opened up my apartment door in West Hollywood to the honesty of an authentic life, and the possibilities of finding out what true happiness may be?

Yes it has!

On June 1st, I moved out of my apartment in West Hollywood. On June 2nd, I celebrated, or more like recognized the fact that I have not worked, for active monetary compensation, in one year. Wow, it’s been 365 days.

The last few weeks have really been great. Socially speaking, I’m really finding a center and becoming much more comfortable with meeting people in the challenging L.A. market. The friendships that I’ve made continue to grow and I believe that I’m a bit more self aware and confident in flirting with other guys. What I believe has transpired is that I’ve grown. Over the past year, with the amount of time and dollars that I’ve spent towards my own self renewal, I’ve begun to recognize that life waits for no one. Time moves forward, never back, so too must I. The time has come for me to finally begin the process of moving on. The challenge that I now face is to use this new self assuredness to find a new equality in my life, which balances my desire for social, professional, and philanthropic success.

The first thing I need to figure out is where I’m going to live. As I write this, I still don’t know, and am currently homeless in the state of California, as most of my belongings are being stored with my movers. A decision won’t be made until I return from my upcoming trip. More than likely I will continue to call L.A. home but there is a small, yet unlikely chance that I will return to Phoenix. I was in Phoenix last week and I’ve begun to see Phoenix, and it’s gay community first hand. I’ve met some, and have begun to communicate with a number of cute Phoenix guys. But most importantly, what I tried to do while back in Phoenix was to be who I am, in the place that I called home for so many years. Returning to Phoenix caused me to pause briefly about where I should be and what would be best for my social, professional, and philanthropic future.

2008, Consider the Cycle Broken!

It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.

The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.

So my journey began
with nothing but time on my side.
I found that as each week went by
fewer tears left my eyes.

It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.

So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.

I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.

I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.

So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!

2008 will be a year I'll never forget!

faceTHEbook

Through the years I’ve never participated in nor appreciated the varied social networking sites on the net. I believe that was for a number of reasons. First, I was ashamed of who I was. I’m not sure if it was that I was ashamed of being gay or that I was just simply uncomfortable with how I was living my life, but either way I was not authentic or honest. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought and the action, of showing and sharing myself with others. Second, I’m a competitive person and at times I have a problem with looking at things solely as a competition. I have always perceived the social networking sites to be a contest for those who want to play, collect, and show the world how many friends, or more accurately pretend friends they have. Actually pretend friends may be a bit harsh, so lets just say acquaintances. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought of competing on these sites in a game of who has the most friends. Third, I’m too old for these sites. These sites were initially created by and for the youth of today. So what possible value could they have offered a guy over 30?

Having just sat down to finish the rest of this post, and after having watched the movie MILK this afternoon with some friends, I feel awful. (MILK was inspiring and I highly recommend that you all see it)

I’m ashamed that I turned into this guy who was, and to be honest still is, consumed with what others think of him. What others perceive of me, I believe, is still having an impact on how I live my life. In many ways it’s a negative impact and it’s no one else’s fault, or problem, except my own.

This is all relevant because my friend out here in LA named Gene, who as I’ve mentioned before is having quite the impact on me, got me to change a few weeks ago. Him and some of his friends had a great Halloween skit/show that they performed for the crowds at the WeHo Halloween party. It just so happened that they videotaped it and Gene put it up on his facebook page. Joining facebook was the only way he would allow me to see it. On top of that, he took pictures of our very gay night out rollerskating a few weeks ago. Once again, facebook was the only way he would allow me to view the pictures. (I know, Gene’s such an ass) He prodded and prodded, so I finally joined facebook a few weeks ago with the sole intent on viewing the stuff that was previously forbidden. After having viewed the pictures from the costume party, I perceived myself to be dressed in an outfit that was SO GAY. Seeing myself made it very easy to let facebook just sit there. Once again I stepped back into the closet by choosing not to let my family and friends share in my life. It was just a costume and I am gay, but I guess all I thought about was what my family and friend’s perception of me would be based on those images. Are they going to think that Adam is SO GAY out there in California? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Thankfully, a new perspective was gained over the last few weeks during my trip back home to Phoenix. Having had some time to think, having spent some time with family and friends, and having had a conversation about facebook with my friend Runner, allowed me to see how foolish I had been. With all that said, I am ready to face the book and share my life. My initial batch of friend requests have been sent out.

Trik Turner-"Friends and Family"

The Time is Now

“Some men see things as they are and ask, ‘why?’ Others dream things that never were and ask, ‘why not?’” -Robert Kennedy

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”-Martin Luther King Jr.

After another half day of scouting polling places today I learned that here in LA County the No on 8 campaign has only scouted around 55 out of a total of 400 locations. (my buddy and I did 18 of them) This is insane and the campaign is inept. Despite that, I ask that anyone in California who has the time over the next few days to PLEASE get in touch with your local office and ask to help scout polling places. This NEEDS to be done in order for the campaign to send out the 5,000 volunteers throughout the state to market the NO message on Tuesday. They also need volunteers to package the kits that will be given to those election day volunteers. (scouting can be done in the day, the kits could be done at night)

This is VITAL!!!!!

During my scouting today two things of note happened:

1. We saw a car that had a license plate holder that said, "Give Life and Let Live, Donate an Organ." Below the plate on the bumper was a Yes on 8 sticker. You may make your own judgements.

2. We went to a church that we believed was a polling site. There were about 30 Yes lawn signs outside the office and no employees were present. I grabbed the signs and we took off. After about 15 minutes my conscience got the best of me and we drove back to return them. I'm sorry G-d I got carried away in the moment.

Then tonight on the way to my group's meeting I noticed that most of the signs that I placed in the public right of ways near my neighborhood were taken down. HMMMM

"Call anyone you know in Arizona, California, and Florida and let your voice be heard!"-Adam

For Information and to Support No on Arizona’s Prop 102 please visit: http://www.votenoprop102.com/Default.aspx

For Information and to Support No on California’s Prop 8 please visit: http://noonprop8.com/home

For Information and to Support No on Florida’s Prop 2 please visit: http://www.votenoflorida.org/

"IN THE END, WE WILL REMEMBER NOT THE WORDS OF OUR ENEMIES, BUT THE SILENCE OF OUR FRIENDS." -Martin Luther King Jr.

What's your address?

Last night I had dinner with my parents. About 15 minutes after I arrived my mom asked me for the address to the new place. I told her that my address wasn’t changing as my mail from Phoenix would be forwarded. She then asked me what city I was going to live in, Hollywood or West Hollywood? (I told my sister about two weeks ago that I found a place in Hollywood) She said others were asking. Up until this point I have been kind of vague. I believed, although it may be my own perception of what West Hollywood means, that if I admitted from the beginning that I was moving to West Hollywood then that would certainly have given away my big secret.

(Backing up a second, the only people that know, or who I have told, that I am moving are my immediate family members and the four guys mentioned earlier in the Loose Ends post. All of my friends who received my email in the Runners, take your mark post simply know that I will be traveling.)

Early on I told my family that I was moving to LA. After my visit there a few weeks ago, the location was then narrowed down to the West LA, Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills area. So for my mom to specifically ask and mention West Hollywood was quite interesting and a bit surprising. For a brief second there I was going to ask her who was asking, and who are you telling that I am moving, and then I said to myself I don’t care anymore. I told her that I was moving to West Hollywood and that was the end of it. She didn’t probe any further, but I have a sense that if she doesn’t know about West Hollywood or it’s demographic makeup now, she will most likely learn about it from whoever was asking.

Despite this unexpected surprise of a question, I believe this is how I ultimately wanted it to happen. For my family and friends to assume that I was gay before I had to tell them. With this thinking and the steps that I have taken in learning more about myself and changing my life, I am not sure if I should be ashamed or proud of my measured way of coming out.

Does the Car fit the Man?

Well for this man, the car that I drove for the past 12 years, including some years in college, has been some sort of minivan. Keep in mind that they were fleet vehicles for the two companies I worked for, nonetheless they certainly did fit my closeted, suburban, straight personal brand.

Not anymore.

After 3 months on order, I now have my first new car that finally fits me. I picked it up today and I fuckin LOVE it! Granted it's just a car and I would much rather love someone with a heart and a breath, and to be honest I much prefer to walk than to drive, but I still LOVE it. (And yes I do believe it is the man that makes the car, and not the car that makes the man.)

And check out the coolest safety and security feature I had added. This will come in real handy as I drive by all of the HATERS out there, or as they approach to watch me making out in the front!



So you want to go for a ride?

Nelly-"Ride Wit Me"

Moving....the next change

It’s not a secret anymore since I have mentioned it in some prior posts, but my next significant change is that I will be moving. (or at least spending a significant amount of time outside of Phoenix) I have a lot of history here in the Phoenix area since I have lived here for so long. My history in this city and my own mental hang-ups are the things that have stifled my ability to move forward here with the sexual side of who I am. And it is that sexual part of my life that has stifled my happiness, and my ability to focus on the other great things that I would like to do while I have the chance. I know the Phoenix area has a decent size gay population, but my outward view looking in believes it is decentralized. Because of my perceived decentralization of the community, I never felt comfortable in taking that risk to explore who I was. (that statement is not to blame Phoenix just how I view the situation, I am to blame) So that’s where I am today. Wanting to finally explore who I am, along with wanting to gain the confidence, pride, and unashamed strength that I am who I am and it’s OK & ALRIGHT!

So I always knew that when I was ready to move forward I would be moving to a city with, as my friend likes to call it, a gay colony. I’ve had the opportunity to look into Chicago, Pittsburgh, Washington D.C., San Francisco, West Hollywood, and San Diego. For a variety of factors, mainly the weather as I’ve become spoiled to the sun here in Phoenix, I narrowed down my top two to San Diego (Hillcrest) and West Hollywood. After visiting both cities, along with doing a bunch of online research, I decided that West Hollywood would be the place. That’s not a knock on San Diego, because I love it, but I just have this sense about West Hollywood. I’ve read and heard a number of both positive and negative stories about West Hollywood and I think that variety piques my curiosity. That and I am game for the challenge. The challenge to be thrust into a setting which is completely foreign to me and not very comfortable, the challenge to the stereotype of a sexually rich yet relationship poor dating culture, the challenge of growing my internal personal acceptance of who I am along with the acceptance of the diversity of the greater gay community, and the challenge of finding out how I can begin to give back to a community who has fought so hard for so long yet has allowed me the time to find my way on my own terms.

I’m looking forward to this next change in my life and the opportunities that it will provide. I’m a firm believer that success comes in part from being in the right place at the right time. And for me now, that place in this time is WEHO! (well to be fair, not exactly now, but soon)

For me, FREEDOM!

After 9-1/2 years of working in a sales function for the same company in the construction industry, I have resigned. I gave my two weeks notice today. This day has been highlighted on my calendar for the past 60 days. The longest 60 days of my life. Today's action will go down as just another example, too numerous to count, of the measured and methodical way in how I have lived. That is about to change!

I did not make this decision lightly, and with a heavy heart it was very difficult to break the news to my boss. He, and the company have been extraordinarily supportive through the years and I leave very grateful for the many opportunities and rewards that have come my way. I tried to prepare him for this day over the last few months having offered him a number of hints about my unhappiness. Despite this, his response was still WOW! Once again, someone was completely surprised by something I had to say. He wanted to reflect on my decision over the weekend and asked that we speak again on Monday, which I agreed. However, my decision is FIRM and I am at peace with it.

For me, this decision represents FREEDOM! As crazy, laughable, and as sad as that may sound, I could not move forward with my life carrying the baggage of my past. (having broken the zippers on my baggage, making it inoperable during my business trip a few weeks ago, was the final confirmation from above) So this decision is the first step in my plan to be the honest me. It offers me the fresh start to be who I am and to do what I really want to do. It provides me with the opportunities to create the life that I have been looking to lead, and not the life that has led me. It provides me with FREEDOM!

Bob Sinclair-"Soundz of Freedom"