Since my Little Guy's passing on the 17th I've done a lot of mourning, remembering, and thinking about the impact that he had on my life. So I found it a bit amusing that a few days after my return to L.A., the local NBC affiliate did a segment on their nightly news about the book Dogology . It's a book that basically describes what a dog's personality says about their owner. I haven't purchased or read the book, but after having watched the video segment on the news, I conducted some research about the topic online.
Many believe that it’s your dog’s breed that speaks volumes about what kind of owner you are. My Little Guy’s breed is known for being very playful and energetic. They love companionship and play, have plenty of spirit, courage, and are known for their curiosity. They can get bored easily if not kept entertained which could lead to some destructive behavior. They are intelligent and quick to learn, but can also be very independent and strong willed. They are very good at problem solving, being trained, and doing tricks.
Hmm....it looks like the milk bone didn’t fall too far from the tree.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
In Memory
I remember at the age of nineteen sitting on the pool deck of our fraternity house, with who would become your other two dads, discussing the idea of going out and finding you. I never had a dog growing up, so I was excited about the idea of getting one.
I remember traveling to Ahwatukee with Straitlord, who as it turned out you liked a lot more than your other dad, Baby Huey, to visit your birth family. We subsequently chose you and brought you home with us to the fraternity house.
I remember having mixed emotions at the time because I was so excited that you were now part of our family, but I also felt terrible that we took you away from your mom, dad, and siblings at the tender age of around two weeks old.
I remember how darned cute you were as a puppy. With your flopped over ears, tiny paws, black nose and eyes, and curled up little tail. I thought your most discernible feature was your pigment around your eyes. Your right eye was black and your left was pink.
I remember how Alice, who certainly didn’t need any help with the ladies, used to carry you around and use you as his wingman those first few months when we had sorority functions at the house, hoping to impress the girls with his softer side.
I remember how you were the first. Soon thereafter another brother brought T into the house. The two of you formed your own little puppy pledge class.
I remember how you and T used to dart down the hallway to get to the sand volleyball court where you would play and play and play until the two of you were exhausted and your tongues were double their size. You’d come back in with sand and T’s drool all over you, lie down next to your water bowl, and make a mess slurping up some water.
I remember how you used to love to dig in the volleyball court. I can vividly picture you digging with your snout in the sand, your front paws moving a mile a minute, sand flying backwards between your hind legs, and the hole you left behind.
I remember that as T began to grow larger than you, you seemed to have not noticed it nor really cared about his size. The two of you continued to rough house like when you were younger. You were never afraid of him, nor any of the other bigger dogs you used to play with later on in your life.
I remember us teaching you your one and only trick. Paw, other paw, and high five. You were really great at remembering them, but in truth, I am pretty sure you were just playing us for some more treats.
I remember how much you used to love to run. We’d be walking down the street of our first house on the way to the park, when with about 200 yards to go, I’d take you off your leash and watch you sprint the rest of the way to the grass. At the park, I’d attempt to chase you, but in most cases you were too fast and there was too much grass for me to cover. The image of your face and body running, with your coat swept back to your tail will never leave me.
I remember we’d play fetch, but half the time you had me fetching your ball or rope because after having fetched it, you’d drop it nowhere near where I was. Maybe you knew I had put on a couple of pounds at the time and you wanted me to slim down a bit.
I remember, while on the grass, how much you used to love lying on your side, then on your back, and then on to your other side. While doing that you used to love taking a bite out of the grass.
I remember coming home so many times to find you sleeping on my bed.
I remember in preparation for The Pipes overnight visit, I thought I would be cute and place chocolates, that I had brought back with me from a hotel I had stayed at on an earlier business trip that week, on their pillows. Only, The Pipes were never able to enjoy those chocolates because it was you my Little Guy who somehow found them on their bed while we were at dinner. You even ate most of the wrappers.
I remember how much you loved your next door neighbor S. She was much smaller than you, and despite you having been snipped years before, you would mount her from the back or either of her sides. We all had great fun watching you work on your abs.
I remember all the different names our friends had for you.
I remember how you used to occasionally mount, mainly from the sides, one of the bigger male dogs down the street and I was left to wonder........
I remember how much you used to love the closet. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I would come home looking for you, only to find you behind my hanging clothes in our walk-in closet. It wasn’t only in our house, but when you would stay at The Runners, I was told you spent a great deal of time in their closet as well. Again, I was left to wonder...........
I remember each time I took a business trip and had to drop you off at the boarding facility. I would watch you walk away with a tremendous amount of guilt.
I remember these last few months and how wonderful it was for us to spend them together. As much as you needed me over this period, I needed you more and I am thankful that you were there for me.
I remember our first drive back home to Arizona in early August. It was during this trip when I was to begin the process of coming out to the rest of our family and friends. Once we crossed the Colorado River into the state of Arizona, you decided to shit three times in the backseat of the car. I had to stop on three different occasions within the span of 45 minutes to clean it up. I was left to wonder what message you were trying to convey to me about what was to come on our first visit back home.
I remember it was during the Sunday of that weekend back in early August when the struggle in my life began to ease as yours unfortunately began to grow. In the span of six hours on that Sunday, I went from shedding tears for myself in having finally begun the process of coming out to my closest friends, to shedding tears for you in learning from the veterinary nurse about your heartbreaking experience overnight and hearing for the first time the conversation about your "quality of life" and when “is the right time.”
I remember our last Thanksgiving together as a family up at your grandparents house last November. I am thankful that you were able to spend some time with your cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents one last time.
I remember watching you devour a double double during our last Valentine’s Day together. You captured my heart the moment we brought you home.
I remember this time exactly one week ago, having arrived at the vet, splitting with you a 3 Musketeers candy bar. A 3 Musketeers because it represents the three of us who brought you into our lives. A 3 Musketeers because it is my favorite candy bar and it represents our shared love of chocolate. A 3 Musketeers because you were such a sweet dog, and I wanted your final treat to be a sweet one.
Of all the memories that I have of our time spent together, which are way too numerous to list here, what I will remember most my Little Guy was seeing you smile. You ALWAYS smiled and I will forever remember how much you loved life. The joy, learning, and love you brought to my life was immeasurable and I can’t even begin to convey to you how proud of you I was in how wonderful you turned out to be. I was incredibly blessed. You were a tremendous friend and companion, and I am so grateful that you were such a significant part of my life. You are, and will continue to be deeply missed, forever loved, and never forgotten!
Rest in peace my Little Guy, rest in peace!
I remember traveling to Ahwatukee with Straitlord, who as it turned out you liked a lot more than your other dad, Baby Huey, to visit your birth family. We subsequently chose you and brought you home with us to the fraternity house.
I remember having mixed emotions at the time because I was so excited that you were now part of our family, but I also felt terrible that we took you away from your mom, dad, and siblings at the tender age of around two weeks old.
I remember how darned cute you were as a puppy. With your flopped over ears, tiny paws, black nose and eyes, and curled up little tail. I thought your most discernible feature was your pigment around your eyes. Your right eye was black and your left was pink.
I remember how Alice, who certainly didn’t need any help with the ladies, used to carry you around and use you as his wingman those first few months when we had sorority functions at the house, hoping to impress the girls with his softer side.
I remember how you were the first. Soon thereafter another brother brought T into the house. The two of you formed your own little puppy pledge class.
I remember how you and T used to dart down the hallway to get to the sand volleyball court where you would play and play and play until the two of you were exhausted and your tongues were double their size. You’d come back in with sand and T’s drool all over you, lie down next to your water bowl, and make a mess slurping up some water.
I remember how you used to love to dig in the volleyball court. I can vividly picture you digging with your snout in the sand, your front paws moving a mile a minute, sand flying backwards between your hind legs, and the hole you left behind.
I remember that as T began to grow larger than you, you seemed to have not noticed it nor really cared about his size. The two of you continued to rough house like when you were younger. You were never afraid of him, nor any of the other bigger dogs you used to play with later on in your life.
I remember us teaching you your one and only trick. Paw, other paw, and high five. You were really great at remembering them, but in truth, I am pretty sure you were just playing us for some more treats.
I remember how much you used to love to run. We’d be walking down the street of our first house on the way to the park, when with about 200 yards to go, I’d take you off your leash and watch you sprint the rest of the way to the grass. At the park, I’d attempt to chase you, but in most cases you were too fast and there was too much grass for me to cover. The image of your face and body running, with your coat swept back to your tail will never leave me.
I remember we’d play fetch, but half the time you had me fetching your ball or rope because after having fetched it, you’d drop it nowhere near where I was. Maybe you knew I had put on a couple of pounds at the time and you wanted me to slim down a bit.
I remember, while on the grass, how much you used to love lying on your side, then on your back, and then on to your other side. While doing that you used to love taking a bite out of the grass.
I remember coming home so many times to find you sleeping on my bed.
I remember in preparation for The Pipes overnight visit, I thought I would be cute and place chocolates, that I had brought back with me from a hotel I had stayed at on an earlier business trip that week, on their pillows. Only, The Pipes were never able to enjoy those chocolates because it was you my Little Guy who somehow found them on their bed while we were at dinner. You even ate most of the wrappers.
I remember how much you loved your next door neighbor S. She was much smaller than you, and despite you having been snipped years before, you would mount her from the back or either of her sides. We all had great fun watching you work on your abs.
I remember all the different names our friends had for you.
I remember how you used to occasionally mount, mainly from the sides, one of the bigger male dogs down the street and I was left to wonder........
I remember how much you used to love the closet. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I would come home looking for you, only to find you behind my hanging clothes in our walk-in closet. It wasn’t only in our house, but when you would stay at The Runners, I was told you spent a great deal of time in their closet as well. Again, I was left to wonder...........
I remember each time I took a business trip and had to drop you off at the boarding facility. I would watch you walk away with a tremendous amount of guilt.
I remember these last few months and how wonderful it was for us to spend them together. As much as you needed me over this period, I needed you more and I am thankful that you were there for me.
I remember our first drive back home to Arizona in early August. It was during this trip when I was to begin the process of coming out to the rest of our family and friends. Once we crossed the Colorado River into the state of Arizona, you decided to shit three times in the backseat of the car. I had to stop on three different occasions within the span of 45 minutes to clean it up. I was left to wonder what message you were trying to convey to me about what was to come on our first visit back home.
I remember it was during the Sunday of that weekend back in early August when the struggle in my life began to ease as yours unfortunately began to grow. In the span of six hours on that Sunday, I went from shedding tears for myself in having finally begun the process of coming out to my closest friends, to shedding tears for you in learning from the veterinary nurse about your heartbreaking experience overnight and hearing for the first time the conversation about your "quality of life" and when “is the right time.”
I remember our last Thanksgiving together as a family up at your grandparents house last November. I am thankful that you were able to spend some time with your cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents one last time.
I remember watching you devour a double double during our last Valentine’s Day together. You captured my heart the moment we brought you home.
I remember this time exactly one week ago, having arrived at the vet, splitting with you a 3 Musketeers candy bar. A 3 Musketeers because it represents the three of us who brought you into our lives. A 3 Musketeers because it is my favorite candy bar and it represents our shared love of chocolate. A 3 Musketeers because you were such a sweet dog, and I wanted your final treat to be a sweet one.
Of all the memories that I have of our time spent together, which are way too numerous to list here, what I will remember most my Little Guy was seeing you smile. You ALWAYS smiled and I will forever remember how much you loved life. The joy, learning, and love you brought to my life was immeasurable and I can’t even begin to convey to you how proud of you I was in how wonderful you turned out to be. I was incredibly blessed. You were a tremendous friend and companion, and I am so grateful that you were such a significant part of my life. You are, and will continue to be deeply missed, forever loved, and never forgotten!
Rest in peace my Little Guy, rest in peace!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008, Consider the Cycle Broken!
It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began
with nothing but time on my side.
I found that as each week went by
fewer tears left my eyes.
It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.
I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!
2008 will be a year I'll never forget!
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began
with nothing but time on my side.
I found that as each week went by
fewer tears left my eyes.
It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.
I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!
2008 will be a year I'll never forget!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Week that Was
It’s been an emotionally exhausting last seven days. (for a reason I intend to write about in the future)
I’m home in Phoenix and have been so since the 24th. I’ve enjoyed spending time during the Thanksgiving holiday with family and close friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with those who have been, and still are important people in my life.
A few of the highlights with Stand Straight relevance include:
A dinner with one of my younger cousins, who lives out here in Arizona, and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother, and sister-in-law. This had been the first time that I’ve seen my cousin since I came out and it was great getting together. She was really happy for me and noticed how relaxed and free I appeared to be. After dinner, I along with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law all went to a gay bar for a few drinks. While I enjoyed going to a gay bar with them, it was a Monday and the place was empty. As they say it’s the thought that counts. haha
A luncheon with a close friend where the topic of Prop 8 and 102, the recent amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida, the Mormons, civil rights, adoption, and discrimination came up. We are both very optimistic about life and genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people. I believe that he believes all Americans should have equal rights. Where we differ is in the question of whether that inherent goodness in people has translated into full equality, both in opportunities and rights, for all Americans. He asked me this question, “Have you ever been discriminated against?” I answered, “No.” I haven’t in the past, but as I told him many other people have. Since August, and especially more so now since the election I FEEL, and more importantly I legally AM, less equal. An OPPORTUNITY is no longer there for me to strive towards the achievement of a goal. And when an opportunity is no longer there for someone, what’s the incentive for that someone to work towards achieving that goal. Throughout my life I’ve always had goals. Goals which have pointed me in a focused direction towards the achievement of a higher level of success. Whether it was running marathons, attaining professional success and recognition, or even writing this blog. (to name just a few) So the question I have for the heterosexual and majority community is this:
Although an emotionally difficult day, Thanksgiving with the family was an enjoyable one. I do have a lot to be thankful for and being blessed with such a loving and wonderful family is just one of those things. Since it has been a few months since I’ve come out to them, it was an interesting day to gauge their comfort level with things that I could share and talk to them about. My mom is clearly ahead of my dad. I separately spoke with both of them about my first date the prior week. My mom asked a number of questions, whereas my dad made a comment that he was happy for me but quickly changed the subject. It has, and still is taking me time, so I can certainly understand, and quite frankly expect that this will continue to be a coming out process for him as well.
On Saturday night I went back to the one club that I had ventured to on my last trip home in September. (please see If It Weren't So Funny I'd Cry post) First off, I believe I saw Luis again and it appears he has been working out. Second, I conducted some intense research in preparation for this visit and was told that on Saturday nights this was supposedly the place to be. I arrived at 10:20PM and my sister-n-law (SNL) joined me shortly thereafter. I found it to be a bit sparse throughout most of the night. One room was pretty crowded while the other was not so much. I can only assume that the light crowd was attributable to Saturday falling on a holiday weekend. Nonetheless there were a number of hotties, and I pointed out mine about 20 minutes into the night. Like all of my other not so fulfilling bar/club excursions, here’s this week’s version.
I met up with the Sugarwaters (Pop and Fizz) whom I hadn’t seen in some time and who I’ve know for years. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to meet up with them during my September visit, so I came out to them over the phone in October. It was wonderful to get together with them and to see their two cute and extremely social kids. We had a great conversation where I learned that Fizz was a huge fan of Stand Straight. :-) It was very flattering, but more so rewarding, to hear some of their comments because it meant that my second goal for writing Stand Straight has been achieved. (please see Break It Down post for my three goals of Stand Straight) And Fizz, sorry, but I have no plans for taking any blog tours around the country with the cast of characters from Stand Straight. As a consolation, maybe I’ll have the cast sign a pair of Stand Straight boxer/briefs that you can have Pop wear. (Wow that just gave me a business idea!)
I’m home in Phoenix and have been so since the 24th. I’ve enjoyed spending time during the Thanksgiving holiday with family and close friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with those who have been, and still are important people in my life.
A few of the highlights with Stand Straight relevance include:
A dinner with one of my younger cousins, who lives out here in Arizona, and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother, and sister-in-law. This had been the first time that I’ve seen my cousin since I came out and it was great getting together. She was really happy for me and noticed how relaxed and free I appeared to be. After dinner, I along with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law all went to a gay bar for a few drinks. While I enjoyed going to a gay bar with them, it was a Monday and the place was empty. As they say it’s the thought that counts. haha
A luncheon with a close friend where the topic of Prop 8 and 102, the recent amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida, the Mormons, civil rights, adoption, and discrimination came up. We are both very optimistic about life and genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people. I believe that he believes all Americans should have equal rights. Where we differ is in the question of whether that inherent goodness in people has translated into full equality, both in opportunities and rights, for all Americans. He asked me this question, “Have you ever been discriminated against?” I answered, “No.” I haven’t in the past, but as I told him many other people have. Since August, and especially more so now since the election I FEEL, and more importantly I legally AM, less equal. An OPPORTUNITY is no longer there for me to strive towards the achievement of a goal. And when an opportunity is no longer there for someone, what’s the incentive for that someone to work towards achieving that goal. Throughout my life I’ve always had goals. Goals which have pointed me in a focused direction towards the achievement of a higher level of success. Whether it was running marathons, attaining professional success and recognition, or even writing this blog. (to name just a few) So the question I have for the heterosexual and majority community is this:
In the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave; what love, relationship, and familial goals should I, a man who happens to be gay, work to achieve?I believe all these equality issues are really as simple as that, and the answers to it will certainly expose the discrimination that’s espoused and supported by those I respectfully disagree with on these societal issues. (and btw, my friend and I may disagree on how we go about achieving full equality, but he does not fall into the category of espousing discrimination)
Although an emotionally difficult day, Thanksgiving with the family was an enjoyable one. I do have a lot to be thankful for and being blessed with such a loving and wonderful family is just one of those things. Since it has been a few months since I’ve come out to them, it was an interesting day to gauge their comfort level with things that I could share and talk to them about. My mom is clearly ahead of my dad. I separately spoke with both of them about my first date the prior week. My mom asked a number of questions, whereas my dad made a comment that he was happy for me but quickly changed the subject. It has, and still is taking me time, so I can certainly understand, and quite frankly expect that this will continue to be a coming out process for him as well.
On Saturday night I went back to the one club that I had ventured to on my last trip home in September. (please see If It Weren't So Funny I'd Cry post) First off, I believe I saw Luis again and it appears he has been working out. Second, I conducted some intense research in preparation for this visit and was told that on Saturday nights this was supposedly the place to be. I arrived at 10:20PM and my sister-n-law (SNL) joined me shortly thereafter. I found it to be a bit sparse throughout most of the night. One room was pretty crowded while the other was not so much. I can only assume that the light crowd was attributable to Saturday falling on a holiday weekend. Nonetheless there were a number of hotties, and I pointed out mine about 20 minutes into the night. Like all of my other not so fulfilling bar/club excursions, here’s this week’s version.
So my hottie came with another guy who was average looking. I believe he was the hottest guy in the bar. He was about my height, had blondish-brown short hair, smooth skin, a great body, and appeared to be a bit more muscular than I. As I told my SNL, I’m typically not into guys bigger than me, but I thought he was hot. So for the next hour or so, my SNL and I had some drinks, talked, and walked between the two rooms looking for guys and listening to the music. As an aside, my SNL was even looked up and down by a very attractive girl who was seated at the bar. From what I could remember during this period Hottie and I did not make any significant eye contact. I also observed that Hottie and Average displayed no PDA throughout the night, so based on my prior experience I was preparing an approach. The two of them had been dancing for a number of songs when Disturbia, by Rihanna, came on. (please see City of Wonder post on the meaning I place on this song) My SNL and I hit the dance floor and positioned ourselves right next to Hottie and Average. When Disturbia ended, a crappy song followed and about a quarter of those dancing left the floor. At the time, Hottie and Average did not. Since the song sucked I walked to the DJ to put in a few requests. Apparently when I walked by Hottie, my SNL heard him tell his friend, “He’s smokin!” Upon hearing this shocking news my SNL then went up to Hottie and asked, “Do you think my friend is cute?” Hottie replied, “Yes, I think your friend is cute.” So I returned from the DJ to my SNL and she tells me the story. The problem at this point was that Hottie and Average had already left the dance floor before I returned. My SNL and I then left the dance floor and after a few minutes went looking for the two of them but they were nowhere to be found. They must have left the club, and this was before midnight. Once again I left a club disappointed, and this time around with a whole new set of questions to ponder and one final comment for my SNL, “Tonight has been the story of my gay life.”
I met up with the Sugarwaters (Pop and Fizz) whom I hadn’t seen in some time and who I’ve know for years. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to meet up with them during my September visit, so I came out to them over the phone in October. It was wonderful to get together with them and to see their two cute and extremely social kids. We had a great conversation where I learned that Fizz was a huge fan of Stand Straight. :-) It was very flattering, but more so rewarding, to hear some of their comments because it meant that my second goal for writing Stand Straight has been achieved. (please see Break It Down post for my three goals of Stand Straight) And Fizz, sorry, but I have no plans for taking any blog tours around the country with the cast of characters from Stand Straight. As a consolation, maybe I’ll have the cast sign a pair of Stand Straight boxer/briefs that you can have Pop wear. (Wow that just gave me a business idea!)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Impact Equality Saturday
Despite my prior comment on the issue of rallies and marches, I did participate in the Nationally organized Impact rally in Los Angeles this past Saturday.
Took my first trip on the LA Metro system to downtown
IMO the best speaker was Eric Lee from the SCLC
Crowd and Signs
IMO the best sign of the day
My sister and brother-in-law attended the rally in Orlando, FL (love you guys)
These last three are from the rally in Phoenix, AZ. I was proud to read online that there were around 2,000 people who attended. To any of my family or friends who may have responded to my invite and attended, thanks!
Took my first trip on the LA Metro system to downtown
IMO the best speaker was Eric Lee from the SCLC
Crowd and Signs
IMO the best sign of the day
My sister and brother-in-law attended the rally in Orlando, FL (love you guys)
These last three are from the rally in Phoenix, AZ. I was proud to read online that there were around 2,000 people who attended. To any of my family or friends who may have responded to my invite and attended, thanks!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Uncovering K P R
On Wednesday I received an email from an old friend of mine I’ll call Mr. Tigerliver. He had read some of Stand Straight since I made it available to my family and friends and had a suggestion. He suggested that,
I posted the "Dear Family and Friends" post on a Thursday and I emailed my family and friends during that weekend, so I did give some final consideration to Mr. Tigerliver’s subsequent suggestion before I even emailed it out. (as well as even having second thoughts about opening it up at all) After a whole lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be true to myself, and my initial intent, and allow the blog to speak for my life in all it’s unedited rawness.
So on Wednesday I received Mr. Tigerliver’s email and on Wednesday night the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur began. Yom Kippur is our 25 hour period of atonement and from what I learned from the rabbi during our services, variations of the word go back to the root of the Hebrew letters k p r. (kaf/pey/resh) Our rabbi said that multiple meanings embedded with these letters include; to cover or to conceal. On Yom Kippur we are asked to afflict ourselves and to confront the wounds that we caused by our sins. Yom Kippur then offers us protection like a cover against the punishment of G-d on the day when the book of life and death is sealed for another year.
As I sat in the synagogue and listened to the rabbi’s discussion about the meanings of Yom Kippur I was drawn back to Mr. Tigerliver’s email and his suggestion of editing Stand Straight. I believe editing is a form of covering and concealing and I know I did that for far too long. So I emailed him back,
I hope that my life and blog will help all of us learn about each other and our collective futures. Coming out later in life gives me, so I believe, a different perspective on what it is like being gay in America today. (compared to many gays who I believe have been mentally and emotionally beaten down, and as such may believe they are second class, through the years by attitudes like those exposed in the article below from the Yes on 8 campaign here in California) I believe the only difference between a gay and straight person is whom G-d CREATED that individual to be SEXUALLY attracted to. As such, I’ll be damned if I am going to accept having any less rights or opportunities than all of my straight friends. (According to the U.S. GAO there are over 1,000 different rights at stake with the term Marriage)
I’m not going to argue or debate the merits of taking a first grade class trip to a gay wedding (it IS debatable even though we are at a historic CIVIL rights moment in our nation’s history), but I believe the undercurrent of ignorance, prejudice, discrimination, and hate is very apparent in many of the quotes throughout the Yes On 8 press release.
As for my further uncovering, I have taken what Mr. Tigerliver and others have expressed to heart. (because I know they care and are looking out for me) Will it influence my future postings? I don't know. What I do know is that exposure and education allows a society to advance. I hope through my writing, I have contributed to that in some small way.
“You might want to edit some of that if you still want to run for Congress! Some of it is fairly graphic, and not because of orientation... more based on detail, word choice, and that fact that your mom reads it.”
I posted the "Dear Family and Friends" post on a Thursday and I emailed my family and friends during that weekend, so I did give some final consideration to Mr. Tigerliver’s subsequent suggestion before I even emailed it out. (as well as even having second thoughts about opening it up at all) After a whole lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be true to myself, and my initial intent, and allow the blog to speak for my life in all it’s unedited rawness.
So on Wednesday I received Mr. Tigerliver’s email and on Wednesday night the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur began. Yom Kippur is our 25 hour period of atonement and from what I learned from the rabbi during our services, variations of the word go back to the root of the Hebrew letters k p r. (kaf/pey/resh) Our rabbi said that multiple meanings embedded with these letters include; to cover or to conceal. On Yom Kippur we are asked to afflict ourselves and to confront the wounds that we caused by our sins. Yom Kippur then offers us protection like a cover against the punishment of G-d on the day when the book of life and death is sealed for another year.
As I sat in the synagogue and listened to the rabbi’s discussion about the meanings of Yom Kippur I was drawn back to Mr. Tigerliver’s email and his suggestion of editing Stand Straight. I believe editing is a form of covering and concealing and I know I did that for far too long. So I emailed him back,
“So to your suggestion the answer is NO! When I run for congress I will be an open book. The honest truth. Voters will either like and respect that or they won’t. (with my new attitude I don’t give a shit)”
I hope that my life and blog will help all of us learn about each other and our collective futures. Coming out later in life gives me, so I believe, a different perspective on what it is like being gay in America today. (compared to many gays who I believe have been mentally and emotionally beaten down, and as such may believe they are second class, through the years by attitudes like those exposed in the article below from the Yes on 8 campaign here in California) I believe the only difference between a gay and straight person is whom G-d CREATED that individual to be SEXUALLY attracted to. As such, I’ll be damned if I am going to accept having any less rights or opportunities than all of my straight friends. (According to the U.S. GAO there are over 1,000 different rights at stake with the term Marriage)
SAN FRANCISCO, October 11 – In the same week that the No on 8 campaign launched an ad that labeled as “lies” claims that same-sex marriage would be taught in schools to young children, a first grade class took a school-sponsored trip to a gay wedding. Eighteen first graders traveled to San Francisco City Hall Friday for the wedding of their teacher and her lesbian partner, The San Francisco Chronicle reported. The school sponsored the trip for the students, ages 5 and 6, taking them away from their studies for the same-sex wedding. According to the Yes on 8 campaign, the public school field trip demonstrates that the California Supreme Court's decision to legal same-sex marriage has real consequences.
"Taking children out of school for a same-sex wedding is not customary education. This is promoting same-sex marriage and indoctrinating young kids," said Yes on 8—ProtectMarriage.com Campaign Co-Manager Frank Schubert. "I doubt the school has ever taken kids on a field trip to a traditional wedding," Schubert said.
When asked by the Yes on 8 campaign, The San Francisco Chronicle reporter said she did not know if the school had ever sponsored a field trip for students to a traditional wedding. Telling the Chronicle that the field trip was "a teachable moment," the school's principal believes it is perfectly appropriate for first graders to attend a same-sex wedding. Officials in other school districts disagree.
"Prop. 8 protects our children from being taught in public schools that 'same-sex marriage' is the same as traditional marriage," said Santa Ana Unified School District board member Rosemarie "Rosie" Avila. "We should not accept a court decision that results in public schools teaching our kids that gay marriage is okay. That is an issue for parents to discuss with their children according to their own values and beliefs. It shouldn't be forced on us against our will," Avila added.
The lesbian teacher's wedding was officiated by San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom. Newsom is featured in a Yes on 8 television ad, released last week, in which he arrogantly declares of same-sex marriage: "The door's wide open now. It's gonna happen, whether you like it or not.
" The Yes on 8 campaign's ads explain that if the voters do not overturn the California Supreme Court's same-sex marriage ruling, teachers will be required to teach young children that there is no difference between gay marriage and traditional marriage. “It's totally unreasonable that a first grade field trip would be to a same-sex wedding," said Chip White, Press Secretary for Yes on 8. "This is overt indoctrination of children who are too young to understand it.” The field trip underscores the Yes on 8 campaign’s message that unless Prop. 8 passes, children will be taught about same-sex marriage in public schools. “Not only can it happen, it has already happened,” White said.
I’m not going to argue or debate the merits of taking a first grade class trip to a gay wedding (it IS debatable even though we are at a historic CIVIL rights moment in our nation’s history), but I believe the undercurrent of ignorance, prejudice, discrimination, and hate is very apparent in many of the quotes throughout the Yes On 8 press release.
As for my further uncovering, I have taken what Mr. Tigerliver and others have expressed to heart. (because I know they care and are looking out for me) Will it influence my future postings? I don't know. What I do know is that exposure and education allows a society to advance. I hope through my writing, I have contributed to that in some small way.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Dear Family and Friends,
Now you know I am what I am, and I have finally chosen to accept myself, love myself, and live my life as G-d created me to be!
Your love, affection, and friendship over the years has meant the world to me and words cannot express how I feel right now knowing that I am finally living a truly honest life with those most important to me knowing the real Adam.
Welcome To Stand Straight and Step Forward!
Stand Straight and Step Forward is my story. Over the last few months I have been blogging about my life and experiences. The primary reason for keeping an online journal was personal and therapeutic. I needed to change, and I was too cheap to pay for a therapist and too stubborn to ask for help. The secondary reason was my hope and desire to at some point be able to share my life again with you. From the outset, I wanted to provide you with a deeper meaning of who I am and what I’ve been going through these last few months. So it is with a great deal of respect and love that I share my journal with you today.
However, sharing Stand Straight with you has as much to do with me as it does with you. I look at it as part of my therapy in being completely open and honest with all those I truly know and care about. So please don’t feel an obligation or need to necessarily read it. It is certainly your choice. If you do choose to read it, I believe you will find posts that run the gamut from deeply personal to narratives of experiences. You will also find images of guys that I find extremely hot. This has been the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in my life and I’m extremely proud of how far I’ve come and I’m neither ashamed nor embarrassed by anything that you may view. I’m now an open book, make that blog, and I hope this demonstrates my sincerity when I told you that I wanted deeper and more meaningful relationships. I truly believe this is a start.
I also felt it was important to bridge my online world, which has been my anonymous gay world, with my real world. Both worlds have been extremely important to me in bringing me this far in my life but I will no longer live in two separate worlds. I will only live in one. It is that world, the real world, where I hope we will continue on our journeys together.
So with all of that said, here are some tips if you would like to read further.
And one final note, Stand Straight may be a specific story about the changes I’ve made in my life based upon the uncontrollable aspect of my being gay, but when you think about it, the story is more than that. It’s really a story about all of us making positive changes in our lives with the goal of finding true happiness. (and I learned that important lesson from many of you through the years so thanks)
So here’s to leading our lives instead of life leading us. G-d willing, let our adventures continue!
Love,
Adam
Angels and Airwaves-”The Adventure”
Your love, affection, and friendship over the years has meant the world to me and words cannot express how I feel right now knowing that I am finally living a truly honest life with those most important to me knowing the real Adam.
Welcome To Stand Straight and Step Forward!
Stand Straight and Step Forward is my story. Over the last few months I have been blogging about my life and experiences. The primary reason for keeping an online journal was personal and therapeutic. I needed to change, and I was too cheap to pay for a therapist and too stubborn to ask for help. The secondary reason was my hope and desire to at some point be able to share my life again with you. From the outset, I wanted to provide you with a deeper meaning of who I am and what I’ve been going through these last few months. So it is with a great deal of respect and love that I share my journal with you today.
However, sharing Stand Straight with you has as much to do with me as it does with you. I look at it as part of my therapy in being completely open and honest with all those I truly know and care about. So please don’t feel an obligation or need to necessarily read it. It is certainly your choice. If you do choose to read it, I believe you will find posts that run the gamut from deeply personal to narratives of experiences. You will also find images of guys that I find extremely hot. This has been the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in my life and I’m extremely proud of how far I’ve come and I’m neither ashamed nor embarrassed by anything that you may view. I’m now an open book, make that blog, and I hope this demonstrates my sincerity when I told you that I wanted deeper and more meaningful relationships. I truly believe this is a start.
I also felt it was important to bridge my online world, which has been my anonymous gay world, with my real world. Both worlds have been extremely important to me in bringing me this far in my life but I will no longer live in two separate worlds. I will only live in one. It is that world, the real world, where I hope we will continue on our journeys together.
So with all of that said, here are some tips if you would like to read further.
My online name is Adam, clearly not the name you know me as. So if you ever choose to comment please keep that in mind.
I would recommend that you start from the beginning. To do that you need to go to the right side of the blog, scroll down to the archive, and start in May. The best way that I’m aware to do this is to click on the month heading and then scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page for the oldest post. Then scroll up as you read. (this way you don't have to click on each individual post)
When there is a You Tube video attached it is because, in mostly all cases, the song is very meaningful and extremely well written. (the meaning is the song, not the video itself) The words of the song convey a message which compliments and speaks to, in most cases, the message of my posts.
And one final note, Stand Straight may be a specific story about the changes I’ve made in my life based upon the uncontrollable aspect of my being gay, but when you think about it, the story is more than that. It’s really a story about all of us making positive changes in our lives with the goal of finding true happiness. (and I learned that important lesson from many of you through the years so thanks)
So here’s to leading our lives instead of life leading us. G-d willing, let our adventures continue!
Love,
Adam
Angels and Airwaves-”The Adventure”
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Just Another Day
On Wednesday I left a message for a friend that I came out to in August and asked if he, or he and his girlfriend wanted to join me for dinner before I head out to a club on Friday evening in their town. I have seen this friend once already since I arrived back in Phoenix and I genuinely believe that nothing has changed between us since our August conversation. So when I heard back from him today I was a bit surprised to hear that they would not be able to make it. He mentioned that his girlfriend was working so he said maybe the next time that I was in town we can make it work. I get that his girlfriend is working, but does that preclude him from joining me for dinner? I don’t want to make a big deal about it, and I understand it may take awhile for my friends to fully accept that I am gay but I am a bit disappointed. My friend enjoys going out and we were just talking about it last weekend. I did not ask him to go to a gay club with me, it was just dinner. Was I curious to see if he/they would have joined me out after dinner? You bet! So I’m now left to wonder if he thought, or felt obligated to join me at the club afterward if we did have dinner together. I didn’t really expect him to be ready now to hit up a gay bar or club, but I will say at some point I do expect my straight friends to be accepting enough to be able to have a drink at a gay bar or club. Is this wrong of me to assume or expect? Am I being selfish?
That leaves me wondering how to feel and what to expect 3/6/12 months from now. If everyone says they’re cool and accepting of me no matter what, should I leave it at that? What happens if my friends solely expect us to go out to straight bars when we go out together? (due to family obligations very few of them go out much anymore anyway) Since this is all new to me I don’t know how to feel and what to expect. I just don’t want to be slighted nor feel that the expectation is that if and when we go out drinking together it will alway be to straight bars or clubs. Because if that is the expectation, then I will begin to wonder just how accepting of me they really are. And then I will begin to answer, “No, I can’t make it!”
A major component of my trip back to Arizona is to continue on with the process of coming out to my friends. By the time I head back to WeHo, I hope to have come out to a majority of the people whom I wanted them to hear that I’m gay from me. So today my job began and I came out to another friend of mine, Steven, over lunch at Four Peaks Brewery in Tempe, AZ. (I highly recommend this place if you find yourself in Tempe. They have great food and brews.)
It wasn’t too busy so I don’t think anyone else heard our conversation. I had not seen Steven in some time so when he first asked, “so what’s new?” I jumped right in and said, “haha what’s new, I’m gay. Well I’m not newly gay, I’ve always been gay. I’m just now accepting of it.” We had a really nice conversation and like all the others I believe it was genuine. What was unique about this conversation was that he said that he had noticed over the last few years that I didn’t seem to be happy. Steven wondered if it was a job thing, a going back to school thing, he just didn’t know what it was. Now he knows. haha :-) Ultimately, Steven was happy for me and glad that I’m happy. He also said that he would be there for me if any of our collective friends have a problem with it, and if they do have a problem with it then they’re not worthy of being friends. Although I did not expect anything different, I’m once again pleased with another good friend’s reaction.
Then later in the evening I got a call from my mom. Apparently she ran into an old friend of hers who she used to work with and whom I got to know during my University years. So when she asked about me, my mom finally uttered those words. This was the first person to which she's told that I’m gay. (at this point in time my mom will only tell people who specifically ask how I am) My mom said that she was shocked and that her jaw dropped to the floor. She then told me that they got into a conversation about whether I was really gay or is it simply because I really couldn’t make it with girls. Apparently her friend had a family member or friend that came out in a similar way and that’s what she wondered. My mom told her that no, Adam knows who he is and it is not because I couldn’t make it with girls. (Although it kind of is. I couldn’t make it with girls because I can’t make it work with girls.) A part of me still believes that there is a very small part of my mom that either hopes or thinks that I’m trying this gay thing because I couldn’t make it work with girls. I guess that is natural though and will heal over time. So during our phone conversation I had to ask her how she felt. She said she felt fine and thought it was no big deal.
And then to top it off, they got a phone call at their home this evening from the Yes on Prop 102 supporters/haters here in the State of Arizona. So when they asked her for her support on passage of Prop 102, she was quick to respond, “I know what I’m voting on and NO you do not have my support!”
That leaves me wondering how to feel and what to expect 3/6/12 months from now. If everyone says they’re cool and accepting of me no matter what, should I leave it at that? What happens if my friends solely expect us to go out to straight bars when we go out together? (due to family obligations very few of them go out much anymore anyway) Since this is all new to me I don’t know how to feel and what to expect. I just don’t want to be slighted nor feel that the expectation is that if and when we go out drinking together it will alway be to straight bars or clubs. Because if that is the expectation, then I will begin to wonder just how accepting of me they really are. And then I will begin to answer, “No, I can’t make it!”
A major component of my trip back to Arizona is to continue on with the process of coming out to my friends. By the time I head back to WeHo, I hope to have come out to a majority of the people whom I wanted them to hear that I’m gay from me. So today my job began and I came out to another friend of mine, Steven, over lunch at Four Peaks Brewery in Tempe, AZ. (I highly recommend this place if you find yourself in Tempe. They have great food and brews.)
It wasn’t too busy so I don’t think anyone else heard our conversation. I had not seen Steven in some time so when he first asked, “so what’s new?” I jumped right in and said, “haha what’s new, I’m gay. Well I’m not newly gay, I’ve always been gay. I’m just now accepting of it.” We had a really nice conversation and like all the others I believe it was genuine. What was unique about this conversation was that he said that he had noticed over the last few years that I didn’t seem to be happy. Steven wondered if it was a job thing, a going back to school thing, he just didn’t know what it was. Now he knows. haha :-) Ultimately, Steven was happy for me and glad that I’m happy. He also said that he would be there for me if any of our collective friends have a problem with it, and if they do have a problem with it then they’re not worthy of being friends. Although I did not expect anything different, I’m once again pleased with another good friend’s reaction.
Then later in the evening I got a call from my mom. Apparently she ran into an old friend of hers who she used to work with and whom I got to know during my University years. So when she asked about me, my mom finally uttered those words. This was the first person to which she's told that I’m gay. (at this point in time my mom will only tell people who specifically ask how I am) My mom said that she was shocked and that her jaw dropped to the floor. She then told me that they got into a conversation about whether I was really gay or is it simply because I really couldn’t make it with girls. Apparently her friend had a family member or friend that came out in a similar way and that’s what she wondered. My mom told her that no, Adam knows who he is and it is not because I couldn’t make it with girls. (Although it kind of is. I couldn’t make it with girls because I can’t make it work with girls.) A part of me still believes that there is a very small part of my mom that either hopes or thinks that I’m trying this gay thing because I couldn’t make it work with girls. I guess that is natural though and will heal over time. So during our phone conversation I had to ask her how she felt. She said she felt fine and thought it was no big deal.
Mom, it was a big deal!
And then to top it off, they got a phone call at their home this evening from the Yes on Prop 102 supporters/haters here in the State of Arizona. So when they asked her for her support on passage of Prop 102, she was quick to respond, “I know what I’m voting on and NO you do not have my support!”
Mom, I’m proud of you and I love you!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Onward and Upward
It’s been a little over two days now and I feel a whole lot lighter. For the most part I feel great, although my mind has wandered a bit with thoughts of what could have been. Why did I wait so long? My mind may wander there but I haven’t spent the time to really answer that question. I truly do want to just look forward. I am hopeful that with the honesty I’ve shown, the freedom I’ve gained, and the unconditional support from my loved ones, my mind will be clearer, more open, and at ease as I continue along on my journey. Coming out to my family truly has been a tremendous sense of relief.
Yesterday I had lunch with my mom. Lunch went well and I think she is holding up okay. She did ask me more pointed questions and I believe that was a positive thing. I’m still very concerned about her because I don’t want her to internalize dealing with this like I did all those years. Overall her love for me is unconditional, but I sensed that it will take some time for it to fully sink in with her, and I’m going to assume for the rest of my family as well, that I am gay and attracted to guys. That’s just how it is. Based on our conversation she still believes, or maybe hopes that my last girlfriend just wasn’t the one. I reaffirmed with her that clearly she was not the one, nor were any of the other girls that I’ve met through the years. And there was clearly a reason for that. She is also of the mindset that just because I’m gay I will not provide her with any grandkids. I think to some degree this devastates her. Not that I have any plans anytime soon to have kids or deal with this possibility, because it is a possibility no matter what McCain, Crist, or any other blowhards say, but I did inform her that adoption and surrogacy are options that I would have. We also touched on the varied makeup of the gay community and how she just doesn’t want me to change and become one of the gays who are really out there. I told her that it’s okay that they are really out there because I would imagine they are just being themselves. If that’s who they are that’s great. That is not me. I think she doesn’t want me to wear the skin tight clothes that she sometime sees as well as be so flamboyant. (you know the gay stereotype) During this part of the conversation I did tell her that my clothes have gotten a bit tighter because I used to wear sizes that were too big. And that I believe was a coping mechanism for me in trying to hide who I was. I also told her that the image she had of who a gay is persists because of asses like me who have been either too afraid or not strong enough to come out and speak up. And lastly she was concerned about the risks of sex and me being taken advantage of. I told her that I believe that I’m smart enough to be careful because I do fear the risks. But with that being said I don’t want to be crippled by that fear. I also made a point to mention that if she thought I was picky when I dated girls, she should see how picky I am with trying to meet guys. :)
Today I fly to Denver and drive to Vail where I will be in the wedding party of yet another fraternity brother from college. I’ve always wanted to get married so bad just so all of the money I’ve spent being in all of my friends weddings gets returned in my favor with all of them having to spend an equal amount to come to mine. It should be an interesting two days. First, for viewing a wedding so close to the time that I officially came out. The mind will certainly wander, even though I haven't been able to dance with another guy yet, and think of what my future holds. Second, I will think about the two wedding propositions that are on the ballots of the two states that I call home. And thirdly, I plan on coming out to one of my pledge brothers (joined the fraternity at the same time) who is one of my closer friends, old roommate, and just an all around great guy. He lives in Washington DC and I hope I have an opportunity to speak with him about it in person. There will be other good friends of mine at the wedding who I don’t want to come out to yet. Nor do I want in any way to detract or make a spectacle of my good friends wedding whose family is very Catholic. So I will try and be judicious about creating an opportunity, and if it is meant to be it is meant to be.
Yesterday I had lunch with my mom. Lunch went well and I think she is holding up okay. She did ask me more pointed questions and I believe that was a positive thing. I’m still very concerned about her because I don’t want her to internalize dealing with this like I did all those years. Overall her love for me is unconditional, but I sensed that it will take some time for it to fully sink in with her, and I’m going to assume for the rest of my family as well, that I am gay and attracted to guys. That’s just how it is. Based on our conversation she still believes, or maybe hopes that my last girlfriend just wasn’t the one. I reaffirmed with her that clearly she was not the one, nor were any of the other girls that I’ve met through the years. And there was clearly a reason for that. She is also of the mindset that just because I’m gay I will not provide her with any grandkids. I think to some degree this devastates her. Not that I have any plans anytime soon to have kids or deal with this possibility, because it is a possibility no matter what McCain, Crist, or any other blowhards say, but I did inform her that adoption and surrogacy are options that I would have. We also touched on the varied makeup of the gay community and how she just doesn’t want me to change and become one of the gays who are really out there. I told her that it’s okay that they are really out there because I would imagine they are just being themselves. If that’s who they are that’s great. That is not me. I think she doesn’t want me to wear the skin tight clothes that she sometime sees as well as be so flamboyant. (you know the gay stereotype) During this part of the conversation I did tell her that my clothes have gotten a bit tighter because I used to wear sizes that were too big. And that I believe was a coping mechanism for me in trying to hide who I was. I also told her that the image she had of who a gay is persists because of asses like me who have been either too afraid or not strong enough to come out and speak up. And lastly she was concerned about the risks of sex and me being taken advantage of. I told her that I believe that I’m smart enough to be careful because I do fear the risks. But with that being said I don’t want to be crippled by that fear. I also made a point to mention that if she thought I was picky when I dated girls, she should see how picky I am with trying to meet guys. :)
Today I fly to Denver and drive to Vail where I will be in the wedding party of yet another fraternity brother from college. I’ve always wanted to get married so bad just so all of the money I’ve spent being in all of my friends weddings gets returned in my favor with all of them having to spend an equal amount to come to mine. It should be an interesting two days. First, for viewing a wedding so close to the time that I officially came out. The mind will certainly wander, even though I haven't been able to dance with another guy yet, and think of what my future holds. Second, I will think about the two wedding propositions that are on the ballots of the two states that I call home. And thirdly, I plan on coming out to one of my pledge brothers (joined the fraternity at the same time) who is one of my closer friends, old roommate, and just an all around great guy. He lives in Washington DC and I hope I have an opportunity to speak with him about it in person. There will be other good friends of mine at the wedding who I don’t want to come out to yet. Nor do I want in any way to detract or make a spectacle of my good friends wedding whose family is very Catholic. So I will try and be judicious about creating an opportunity, and if it is meant to be it is meant to be.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Mom, Dad........I'm
To lay the groundwork, I called both my father at home and my mother at work on Monday evening, after my 6.5 hour drive from weho, to let them know that I was back in town and I wanted to get together on Tuesday. (my sister had previously informed me that my mom would be off of work on Tuesday) They were both a bit surprised, asked a few questions as to why I was back, but nothing too pressing where I needed to be more descriptive over the phone. My dad had a doctor’s appointment in the morning so the time was set for Tuesday around 3:00pm.
Tuesday morning started off well. I awoke at 5:30am when my cell alarm went off. I took my dog for a walk and then went back to sleep. It was during this sleep, between 6:30am and 9:30am, where I had such a comforting dream. I dreamt that I was fully liberated, comfortable, and free. I had this dream of myself being totally loose, affectionate, and playful with another guy in a public setting. Totally uninhibited and carefree. All things, to be quite honest, which I have not been. So when I awoke for the second time, I had a smile on my face and a belief that this was yet another sign from above telling me that everything would work out for the best.
At 1:40pm I left my house. I live about an hour from my parents so it is quite the drive. The drive was the final time for me to reflect on what I hoped to say, what I wanted to say, and what I had to say. After about 20 minutes, I realized that I’d done too much reflection. I knew I was prepared and had been so for some time. So I then began to smile with a tremendous sense of pride, happiness, and confidence. It’s been an extremely long road and I was ecstatic that I actually made it to the point where I had this opportunity. I then put in my feel good music cd and made sure the last two songs I listened to before I arrived at their house were Sound of Freedom and Love Generation by Bob Sinclair.
My mom answered the door and we hugged and kissed. I then went in to the living room where my dad was watching CNBC. We hugged and said our hellos. My mom was working on the computer, so for the first few minutes I went back and forth between their home office to help her with the printer, and the living room to speak with my dad. When my mom was done, she joined us in the living room. They have an L shaped leather sofa and a separate leather chair w/ottoman. I was sitting on the long side of the sofa, my mom was sitting to the left of me on the short side of the sofa, and my dad was sitting on the chair directly across from me watching CNBC. So as soon as all of us were sitting down, my dad asks, “so why are you back? You weren’t supposed to be back until September. What’s up? Are you moving back to Phoenix?” I told him to turn the sound off as there was something I wanted to talk about. I did not ask him to turn the TV off nor did he and that turned out to be a mistake. So this is how I led it off:
It was at that point where I thought my mom would just lose it. She didn’t, and I was very surprised at how composed she was. That had me very concerned. My dad on the other hand wouldn’t turn to look at me. He just kept staring at the TV. I continued on with some of the things that I needed to say. They included:
I then looked at my dad and asked if everything was okay because he hadn’t looked at me. He looked over and said, “yes.” I looked over at my mom and she said, “you are who you are. I love you!” and then came over and gave me a hug. The conversation continued but I pretty much led it. The only time my mom got tearful was when my voice started to waver a bit. I know she will be emotional when I am not there, but this had me a bit concerned. I also was a bit surprised that they didn’t ask too many questions. Throughout the conversation we got off track about three times venturing into discussions about politics, money, and more detail about West Hollywood. Each time I had to bring the conversation back by saying, “you guys seem to be taking this in stride. You know I fully expect that it will take some time for this to sink in for you and anticipate that you will have emotional challenges to come. Please let it out. Don’t bottle it up.” I gave them the 3 books I bought for them and provided them three websites to check out for support. After that, our conversation wandered and we moved on to other things.
So to wrap it all up with my parents, it is what it is and I am what I am. I love my parents very much and that feeling is mutual. Before I left, and now that my dad is mobile again, I showed him my new car and gave him a ride in it. When we pulled back into his driveway, we both got out and he walked over to my side of the car. He gave me a hug and said, “you’re the same person you were and I love you!” I responded, “I love you too,” and then headed to my brother’s house. Before I left and as I was sitting in my car, my dad came back over and offered advice on how to tell my brother. I thought that was something. :-)
My brother’s family lives about 10 minutes south of my parents. My plan in coming out to my brother was to jump right in. So my brother is sitting on a chair in the front playroom, I am on the floor playing with my 5 year old nephew in that front playroom, and my sister-in-law and 2 year old niece are in the kitchen.
My brother began to ask how things were in LA and this is where I started. I said to him, “you know what one of the main reasons why I moved to LA is, right? I went to LA because I am G.......A........Y!” (I had to spell it out because of the ages of my niece and nephew.) My brother had a really confused/forced smile look on his face. He couldn’t believe that I was actually gay. The next thing was pretty funny. I said to my sister-in-law in the kitchen, “did you hear what I just told your husband?” She answered, “no,” and came into the room. My nephew then said, “J....Y.” I began to chuckle and said, “sister-in-law I’m G.......A........Y.” She responded with either that’s awesome, I’m so happy for you, or I’m so supportive. I don’t remember, but she came over and gave me a hug. The remainder of the conversation turned out to be really fun because both my brother and sister-in-law were trying to ask questions and I was trying to answer them without imbuing any information that could be picked up by my niece or nephew. (who btw are totally adorable and I am completely jealous of my brother for) They both took it well, although I believe my brother will need to understand what being gay really means as compared to the stereotypes that he is familiar with. I bought him a book but it hadn’t arrived yet. We covered many of the same topics as I had with my parents so I won’t repeat them here. It was a very nice and open conversation although I am a bit surprised that neither of them said they ever suspected it. My sister-in-law only hoped that I would loosen up and have some fun when I moved to LA. (loosen up, fun at gay bars in weho....me.......ha she needs to read my blog :-) ) We moved on to other topics as I continued to play with my niece and nephew. It was kind of amazing that in the six weeks since I last saw my niece, she learned to talk. It was awesome! And when I left, my brother left it with this, “I’m 100% behind you.” I start to chuckle, and he says, “well not really behind you but you know what I mean.” We all start to laugh! It was a nice close to a great day.
08/05/08
Tuesday morning started off well. I awoke at 5:30am when my cell alarm went off. I took my dog for a walk and then went back to sleep. It was during this sleep, between 6:30am and 9:30am, where I had such a comforting dream. I dreamt that I was fully liberated, comfortable, and free. I had this dream of myself being totally loose, affectionate, and playful with another guy in a public setting. Totally uninhibited and carefree. All things, to be quite honest, which I have not been. So when I awoke for the second time, I had a smile on my face and a belief that this was yet another sign from above telling me that everything would work out for the best.
At 1:40pm I left my house. I live about an hour from my parents so it is quite the drive. The drive was the final time for me to reflect on what I hoped to say, what I wanted to say, and what I had to say. After about 20 minutes, I realized that I’d done too much reflection. I knew I was prepared and had been so for some time. So I then began to smile with a tremendous sense of pride, happiness, and confidence. It’s been an extremely long road and I was ecstatic that I actually made it to the point where I had this opportunity. I then put in my feel good music cd and made sure the last two songs I listened to before I arrived at their house were Sound of Freedom and Love Generation by Bob Sinclair.
My mom answered the door and we hugged and kissed. I then went in to the living room where my dad was watching CNBC. We hugged and said our hellos. My mom was working on the computer, so for the first few minutes I went back and forth between their home office to help her with the printer, and the living room to speak with my dad. When my mom was done, she joined us in the living room. They have an L shaped leather sofa and a separate leather chair w/ottoman. I was sitting on the long side of the sofa, my mom was sitting to the left of me on the short side of the sofa, and my dad was sitting on the chair directly across from me watching CNBC. So as soon as all of us were sitting down, my dad asks, “so why are you back? You weren’t supposed to be back until September. What’s up? Are you moving back to Phoenix?” I told him to turn the sound off as there was something I wanted to talk about. I did not ask him to turn the TV off nor did he and that turned out to be a mistake. So this is how I led it off:
“No I am not moving back to Phoenix now. So far I have really enjoyed my time in West Hollywood. Although it has only been four weeks, I have never loved myself as much as I do now, I have never been more happy than I am now, I have never been more proud of myself than I am now, and I have never been as confident in who I am as I am now. I have done a lot of reflecting over these last few months, really over a year now, and I’ve realized that I haven’t liked the person that I’ve become and more importantly liked the fact that I haven’t shared my life with those most important to me. I acknowledge that I’ve built a tremendous wall up around me over the years, and we’ve joked about that in the past, in that I never have anything to say. I hope that changes today. The reason that I am all of those things that I mentioned earlier; never been more happy, never been more proud, never been as confident, and never loved myself as I do now is because after all of these years I’ve finally come to grips with and accepted myself for who G-d created me to be. Mom, dad, I’m Gay!”
It was at that point where I thought my mom would just lose it. She didn’t, and I was very surprised at how composed she was. That had me very concerned. My dad on the other hand wouldn’t turn to look at me. He just kept staring at the TV. I continued on with some of the things that I needed to say. They included:
I am what I am and I am okay with that. I am the same person today as I was one month ago, 1 year ago, and 10 years ago. You just now know the real and honest me.
This is not something I have chosen for myself, but rather something for who I am. Just like I have blue eyes or am right handed. Believe me, this is something that has taken me a very long time to accept and I can honestly say that I have tried to suppress it and fight it for many, many years. I am attracted to guys and I have finally accepted it. I look at it as a gift from G-d, and I’m sharing that gift with you today.
You may feel a sense of loss, similar to mourning the loss of a family member. In a way it’s like a type of death, that of a set of images and expectations that you had for me are now gone. This feeling is natural and it is okay to grieve the loss of those images.
Healing will proceed at different paces for different people. You will go through a period of grief which should last for sometime before hopefully arriving at a point of acceptance. This is normal, and I hope you understand that it took me a very long time to accept who I am, so I really do anticipate and expect that it will take you some time to process all of this before coming to your own terms of acceptance.
You may feel a sense of self blame. In many cases that is normal. I can assure you though that you did nothing wrong. You did not raise me wrong. To the contrary, you raised me right. You did nothing but provide me with all of the opportunities in the world to live my life. And I’m extremely grateful for that. I’ve had a wonderful life. It just hasn’t been totally complete and honest. The phrase that I’ve penned is that for the longest time I’ve let life lead me, but now I’m going to lead my life.
Whatever form the pain takes, do not suppress or deny it. I did for way too long. It’s not worth it. Your pain is real, it’s normal, and you are entitled to it. Please ask for help. Either from me, the support organizations that I’ve provided you with, or from friends.
At this time, the coming out process shifts. You will now have your own. Upon accepting who I am, you will have to decide to whom and when to tell. At your time and at your pace.
I then looked at my dad and asked if everything was okay because he hadn’t looked at me. He looked over and said, “yes.” I looked over at my mom and she said, “you are who you are. I love you!” and then came over and gave me a hug. The conversation continued but I pretty much led it. The only time my mom got tearful was when my voice started to waver a bit. I know she will be emotional when I am not there, but this had me a bit concerned. I also was a bit surprised that they didn’t ask too many questions. Throughout the conversation we got off track about three times venturing into discussions about politics, money, and more detail about West Hollywood. Each time I had to bring the conversation back by saying, “you guys seem to be taking this in stride. You know I fully expect that it will take some time for this to sink in for you and anticipate that you will have emotional challenges to come. Please let it out. Don’t bottle it up.” I gave them the 3 books I bought for them and provided them three websites to check out for support. After that, our conversation wandered and we moved on to other things.
So to wrap it all up with my parents, it is what it is and I am what I am. I love my parents very much and that feeling is mutual. Before I left, and now that my dad is mobile again, I showed him my new car and gave him a ride in it. When we pulled back into his driveway, we both got out and he walked over to my side of the car. He gave me a hug and said, “you’re the same person you were and I love you!” I responded, “I love you too,” and then headed to my brother’s house. Before I left and as I was sitting in my car, my dad came back over and offered advice on how to tell my brother. I thought that was something. :-)
My brother’s family lives about 10 minutes south of my parents. My plan in coming out to my brother was to jump right in. So my brother is sitting on a chair in the front playroom, I am on the floor playing with my 5 year old nephew in that front playroom, and my sister-in-law and 2 year old niece are in the kitchen.
My brother began to ask how things were in LA and this is where I started. I said to him, “you know what one of the main reasons why I moved to LA is, right? I went to LA because I am G.......A........Y!” (I had to spell it out because of the ages of my niece and nephew.) My brother had a really confused/forced smile look on his face. He couldn’t believe that I was actually gay. The next thing was pretty funny. I said to my sister-in-law in the kitchen, “did you hear what I just told your husband?” She answered, “no,” and came into the room. My nephew then said, “J....Y.” I began to chuckle and said, “sister-in-law I’m G.......A........Y.” She responded with either that’s awesome, I’m so happy for you, or I’m so supportive. I don’t remember, but she came over and gave me a hug. The remainder of the conversation turned out to be really fun because both my brother and sister-in-law were trying to ask questions and I was trying to answer them without imbuing any information that could be picked up by my niece or nephew. (who btw are totally adorable and I am completely jealous of my brother for) They both took it well, although I believe my brother will need to understand what being gay really means as compared to the stereotypes that he is familiar with. I bought him a book but it hadn’t arrived yet. We covered many of the same topics as I had with my parents so I won’t repeat them here. It was a very nice and open conversation although I am a bit surprised that neither of them said they ever suspected it. My sister-in-law only hoped that I would loosen up and have some fun when I moved to LA. (loosen up, fun at gay bars in weho....me.......ha she needs to read my blog :-) ) We moved on to other topics as I continued to play with my niece and nephew. It was kind of amazing that in the six weeks since I last saw my niece, she learned to talk. It was awesome! And when I left, my brother left it with this, “I’m 100% behind you.” I start to chuckle, and he says, “well not really behind you but you know what I mean.” We all start to laugh! It was a nice close to a great day.
08/05/08
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Phoenix, I'm Coming Home
This wasn’t my original plan, but it is time. It is time to move forward and officially have that talk. It is time to move forward and relieve myself of the self imposed burden, lie, and guilt that I’ve carried with me all these years. It is time to share the gift that G-d gave me with my family and finally be that better son and brother. It is time to move forward and finally be free!
On Monday I’m going home!
I am going home with a confidence and pride in myself that I haven’t had in a very long time. Quite honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever loved or accepted myself as much as I do today. On second thought I do know, I never have. That is why I am so excited. If I was able to have such a rewarding and successful life up until now without having loved or accepted myself, what can be accomplished tomorrow? G-d willing the possibilities are limitless!
On Tuesday I’m coming out to my parents, brother, and sister-in-law!
Diana Ross-"I'm Coming Out"
On Monday I’m going home!
I am going home with a confidence and pride in myself that I haven’t had in a very long time. Quite honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever loved or accepted myself as much as I do today. On second thought I do know, I never have. That is why I am so excited. If I was able to have such a rewarding and successful life up until now without having loved or accepted myself, what can be accomplished tomorrow? G-d willing the possibilities are limitless!
On Tuesday I’m coming out to my parents, brother, and sister-in-law!
Diana Ross-"I'm Coming Out"
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Sis, the Truth be Told
And so it was said
Without nervousness nor fright
Hey sis I am gay
And I feel good tonight
So please stop all the crying
Even though their tears of joy
We now share something in common
Of an attraction for other boys
I am so so sorry
For this lie I’ve always told
My life has suffered for it
So I work to break this mold
The guilt I’ve carried these last few years
Has caused me nothing but anguish and pain
So in sharing this now with you tonight
I pray that our relationship will be enriched and gain
So please don’t feel sorry or pity for me
for the happiness lost or the days gone astray
I decided how to live my life with mostly correct decisions being made
With the one big exception, accepting that G-d created me gay
I can only look forward
to the future at hand
As the past is the past
And I’ve got to find me a man
So I look to that future
With great pride and a heart full of love
To a completely honest and more meaningful existence
As I believe the best has yet to come!
Without nervousness nor fright
Hey sis I am gay
And I feel good tonight
So please stop all the crying
Even though their tears of joy
We now share something in common
Of an attraction for other boys
I am so so sorry
For this lie I’ve always told
My life has suffered for it
So I work to break this mold
The guilt I’ve carried these last few years
Has caused me nothing but anguish and pain
So in sharing this now with you tonight
I pray that our relationship will be enriched and gain
So please don’t feel sorry or pity for me
for the happiness lost or the days gone astray
I decided how to live my life with mostly correct decisions being made
With the one big exception, accepting that G-d created me gay
I can only look forward
to the future at hand
As the past is the past
And I’ve got to find me a man
So I look to that future
With great pride and a heart full of love
To a completely honest and more meaningful existence
As I believe the best has yet to come!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
On Second Thought
Plans are meant to be changed. This blogging thing is quite powerful when you can look back and see what kind of idiot you’ve become. Through my own words, those of others on a number of other blogs, as well as my short time here in West Hollywood I’ve realized my truth. I’ve realized that I am 100% attracted to guys. Period! And although I haven’t fully experienced the full passion and love in the expression of what that attraction means, I fully know what I want and who I am.
I am Gay and I am Proud of who I am! My sister will learn that on Friday!
Cyndi Lauper-"True Colors"
I am Gay and I am Proud of who I am! My sister will learn that on Friday!
Cyndi Lauper-"True Colors"
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Under Pressure
I’m at the gym yesterday and I found a new time when there were a lot more hotties there. (at least on Monday) Anyway, yesterday was chest and back day. My second to last exercise were dumbbell rows.
I would like to think my form was a bit stricter with my straight leg providing more balance by being spaced out further, my ass in the air, and a nice arch in my back. Anyway, what was so funny was that right after I started this exercise, Under Pressure from Queen w/David Bowie came on my IPOD. I almost lost it as I thought it was so funny noting the position I was in on the bench and my lack of action since I arrived in WEHO.
Then I get home and learned that my younger sister and brother in-law would be making a quick visit to see me and my brother in-law’s sister in LA this Friday. I will be picking them up at the airport and bringing them to my apartment. We will then all go for dinner Friday night. Clearly I don’t know what will happen but this Friday may be the moment of truth. My plan at this point hasn’t changed. I still would like to come out to my parents first when I return to Phoenix in September. So I do not plan on initiating any conversation with regard to my sexuality, or lack thereof at this point, on Friday but I have decided that If they ask me if I am gay I will respond with the following:
I am looking forward to their visit and am hopeful that things will go well on Friday. I have NO concerns about my family accepting or loving me any less, and would be surprised at this point if they didn’t already expect it. Especially my sister and brother in-law. Nonetheless, I am prepared and ready for this discussion on Friday but I hope it doesn't occur. We shall see.
Now if I can only find a cute guy in the next two days. Now that's PRESSURE!
Queen w/David Bowie-"Under Pressure
I would like to think my form was a bit stricter with my straight leg providing more balance by being spaced out further, my ass in the air, and a nice arch in my back. Anyway, what was so funny was that right after I started this exercise, Under Pressure from Queen w/David Bowie came on my IPOD. I almost lost it as I thought it was so funny noting the position I was in on the bench and my lack of action since I arrived in WEHO.
Then I get home and learned that my younger sister and brother in-law would be making a quick visit to see me and my brother in-law’s sister in LA this Friday. I will be picking them up at the airport and bringing them to my apartment. We will then all go for dinner Friday night. Clearly I don’t know what will happen but this Friday may be the moment of truth. My plan at this point hasn’t changed. I still would like to come out to my parents first when I return to Phoenix in September. So I do not plan on initiating any conversation with regard to my sexuality, or lack thereof at this point, on Friday but I have decided that If they ask me if I am gay I will respond with the following:
Yes, I believe I am gay. I am not 100% certain because I have not fully experienced being with another guy, but I believe that I am and have always to some degree been attracted to other guys. I have only fooled around with another guy once at this point and we did nothing serious. I decided to move to West Hollywood to give myself the space and allow myself the strongest opportunity in living an honest and free life while figuring out just who I am. I have not told you up to now, and I wasn’t planning on telling you this weekend because I am not 100% certain, but since you asked, I told myself before I moved here that when I crossed the Colorado River I would no longer lie. I still need more time and until I am 100% certain I don’t intend to tell anyone else. So you MUST keep this conversation between us. I know that will be difficult for you SISTER, but it is very important to me that you do. I am hopeful that I will be able to be more forthcoming and open with everyone else by the time I return to Phoenix for my visit in September.
I am looking forward to their visit and am hopeful that things will go well on Friday. I have NO concerns about my family accepting or loving me any less, and would be surprised at this point if they didn’t already expect it. Especially my sister and brother in-law. Nonetheless, I am prepared and ready for this discussion on Friday but I hope it doesn't occur. We shall see.
Now if I can only find a cute guy in the next two days. Now that's PRESSURE!
Queen w/David Bowie-"Under Pressure
Friday, July 4, 2008
What's your address?
Last night I had dinner with my parents. About 15 minutes after I arrived my mom asked me for the address to the new place. I told her that my address wasn’t changing as my mail from Phoenix would be forwarded. She then asked me what city I was going to live in, Hollywood or West Hollywood? (I told my sister about two weeks ago that I found a place in Hollywood) She said others were asking. Up until this point I have been kind of vague. I believed, although it may be my own perception of what West Hollywood means, that if I admitted from the beginning that I was moving to West Hollywood then that would certainly have given away my big secret.
Early on I told my family that I was moving to LA. After my visit there a few weeks ago, the location was then narrowed down to the West LA, Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills area. So for my mom to specifically ask and mention West Hollywood was quite interesting and a bit surprising. For a brief second there I was going to ask her who was asking, and who are you telling that I am moving, and then I said to myself I don’t care anymore. I told her that I was moving to West Hollywood and that was the end of it. She didn’t probe any further, but I have a sense that if she doesn’t know about West Hollywood or it’s demographic makeup now, she will most likely learn about it from whoever was asking.
Despite this unexpected surprise of a question, I believe this is how I ultimately wanted it to happen. For my family and friends to assume that I was gay before I had to tell them. With this thinking and the steps that I have taken in learning more about myself and changing my life, I am not sure if I should be ashamed or proud of my measured way of coming out.
(Backing up a second, the only people that know, or who I have told, that I am moving are my immediate family members and the four guys mentioned earlier in the Loose Ends post. All of my friends who received my email in the Runners, take your mark post simply know that I will be traveling.)
Early on I told my family that I was moving to LA. After my visit there a few weeks ago, the location was then narrowed down to the West LA, Hollywood, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills area. So for my mom to specifically ask and mention West Hollywood was quite interesting and a bit surprising. For a brief second there I was going to ask her who was asking, and who are you telling that I am moving, and then I said to myself I don’t care anymore. I told her that I was moving to West Hollywood and that was the end of it. She didn’t probe any further, but I have a sense that if she doesn’t know about West Hollywood or it’s demographic makeup now, she will most likely learn about it from whoever was asking.
Despite this unexpected surprise of a question, I believe this is how I ultimately wanted it to happen. For my family and friends to assume that I was gay before I had to tell them. With this thinking and the steps that I have taken in learning more about myself and changing my life, I am not sure if I should be ashamed or proud of my measured way of coming out.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Runners, take your mark!
You know sometimes I feel like such a fool! I recognize that there is no such blueprint for coming out, especially when I am at a non-traditional age to be doing so, but to think how structured and odd of a plan I have makes me laugh. Sometimes I feel as if I think too much and take myself too seriously. (if you haven't noticed by now I do on both counts) Today I sent the email below to my family and friends. I have led a very demonstrative, controlled, and measured life, and it is my hope that this email gets my family and friends to see me in a different light. (with the career change acting as a metaphor and the impetus for the change in my life) I believe in some ways this will happen because I haven't changed that much over time and this will come as a surprise to many. It is also my hope that this communication acts as a precursor for what is yet to come. Within the body of the email are subtle hints of what my next few months are going to be about. So if my family and friends ever questioned or thought that I was gay, which I'm sure by now some may have wondered, (because I haven't dated since my last girlfriend and I should be a catch) I hope this email will act as a signal to them that if I was ever going to come clean the time is approaching. And so you all know from a time standpoint, it is my goal to formally come out by my next birthday.
I believe that some of my family and friends will take this communication literally while others will read more into it. (based on some of the responses so far it's going both ways) Either way, when I look back on this day in September, my gut tells me that I will feel like a fool all over again because this whole thing about being gay will be a non-issue. (since I'm older; time, long term relationships, and I'm a pretty good guy may be the reasons here) If it does turn out like that then I will gladly accept being a gay 'ol happy fool!
Update: The email response from my younger sister. "I just shed a tear reading your email! You have no idea how proud I am of you for all of your hard work and accomplishments. As you said, it is time to live the life you were meant to. I look up to you as a big brother and a role model! You inspire me to do greater things in life. Congrats. I will be out to LA to visit! (Maybe mid July if you are around). Love you lots!" Please pass the kleenex!
Change is never easy, but after 12 years of having an incredible run working full time for 2 Fortune 200 companies and watching many of you with great admiration from near and far take successful chances in your lives and find success, the time has come for me to finally take my chance and stop working for the man and work to become my own. I’ve officially resigned and will be spending the next few months taking some time off, living life, and hopefully enjoying it. I plan on doing a little personal travel, spend more time with Dog (he’s going to be 14 soon and is finally showing signs of age while suffering from cognitive canine dysfunction), continue to train for my next marathon or sprint tri, get back involved in the political process as our nation finds itself in a similar crossroads as it was the last time I got involved and went to Washington (so bring on the banter), and most importantly research some of the many business ideas that I’ve had in the past that some of us have spoken about as well as looking into some other things. It took me long enough, but the bottom line is I’m finally going to lead the life I want to lead and not live the life that has led me over the last few years. With this change out of sales, my existing email of -----@------ will be going away in the coming weeks. I have a new email address, and if you would like to update your address book and migrate over there it is -------@--------. (and no I am not running for Congress just yet, although I may need to establish my own PAC soon-haha) My new cell number is 000-000-0000. I look forward to updating you as things progress but in the meantime, I’m off to the beach. Consider the cycle broken!
L'Chiam!
I believe that some of my family and friends will take this communication literally while others will read more into it. (based on some of the responses so far it's going both ways) Either way, when I look back on this day in September, my gut tells me that I will feel like a fool all over again because this whole thing about being gay will be a non-issue. (since I'm older; time, long term relationships, and I'm a pretty good guy may be the reasons here) If it does turn out like that then I will gladly accept being a gay 'ol happy fool!
Update: The email response from my younger sister. "I just shed a tear reading your email! You have no idea how proud I am of you for all of your hard work and accomplishments. As you said, it is time to live the life you were meant to. I look up to you as a big brother and a role model! You inspire me to do greater things in life. Congrats. I will be out to LA to visit! (Maybe mid July if you are around). Love you lots!" Please pass the kleenex!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The First Talk
Today is the day I begin to open up to my family. The talk that I was hoping to have with them two weeks ago will occur today. This is not planned to be “the talk” but quite honestly I don’t know what it may turn into. I believe my dad sensed something on Wednesday when we spoke. So if somehow they have finally put the pieces together and decide to ask me whether I am gay, well I don’t know how I will answer that. Today’s talk is to outline with my parents that I have left my place of employment and will be setting up a second residence in Southern California. It will also be to discuss with them that I don’t have a structured plan as to how, in the short term, I will earn a living. That to me is not important at this point in my life. What's important to me today is to finally figure out exactly who I am with 100% certainty. So my plan as I will communicate it to them is that I am taking some time off to figure out what “I” want to do in the future that will provide "me" with the greatest amount of fulfillment, inspiration, and happiness. Period!!!!!!!!!! It’s no longer solely about the money, it’s no longer about their picture of what a successful life is, and it’s no longer about going through life’s motions. It’s all about the American dream, my American dream and taking a chance at living it!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Father's Middle Son
Tomorrow my dad goes in for ankle surgery and I got into thinking about him, and how in some ways I’m very much like him. I love my dad very much and am extremely thankful for his love and the generous life that he provided for our family while growing up. He knows my feelings on these, so that’s not where my thoughts are leading.
As the years have gone by, I have begun to realize that we are very much alike and that scares the crap out of me. In some ways I want to be like him but in others I want no such thing. I followed my dad into the sales profession and had a fair amount of success. I believe he was quite surprised that I took to sales as well as I did. He always thought that my older brother was better suited for sales. Why I am not sure. I’m not sure what he thought I would do in my life, but I don’t think he ever worried about me from a paying the bills, survival kind of way like he has my siblings. But from a worry about everything and everyone else kind of way, including why doesn’t my middle son with so much to offer not have a beautiful wife and all these little babies like my older brother, worry he does. It seems like all too often now my dad reminds us of his type A personality.
Like my father, I have a type A personality. And through watching him I realize that I don’t want to become the type A personality that he has become. I don’t want to become overbearing, controlling, and force others to adjust how they interact with me. This has become all too personal because there was something I wanted to discuss with him this weekend, but because of his surgery and my concern for his health and recovery I didn’t say a word.
Like father like son!
As the years have gone by, I have begun to realize that we are very much alike and that scares the crap out of me. In some ways I want to be like him but in others I want no such thing. I followed my dad into the sales profession and had a fair amount of success. I believe he was quite surprised that I took to sales as well as I did. He always thought that my older brother was better suited for sales. Why I am not sure. I’m not sure what he thought I would do in my life, but I don’t think he ever worried about me from a paying the bills, survival kind of way like he has my siblings. But from a worry about everything and everyone else kind of way, including why doesn’t my middle son with so much to offer not have a beautiful wife and all these little babies like my older brother, worry he does. It seems like all too often now my dad reminds us of his type A personality.
(Type A personalities generally exhibit characteristics such as being time-conscious, highly competitive, direct and more assertive, and less relaxed. Over the years, the type of extra stress that most “Type A” people experience takes a toll on one’s health and lifestyle. The following are some of the negative effects that are common among those exhibiting this personality: hypertension, heart disease, job stress, and social isolation. These characteristics generally have a negative effect on one’s life.)Like being a type A personality somehow makes one’s behavior acceptable. No it doesn’t! He reminds us way too often of his type A personality as an excuse for his behaviors that are just driving me insane. I don’t think he realizes that his behaviors piss people off and drive them away. Here are two examples from this weekend. First off, I am driving my parents, my younger sister, and her husband back from my sister’s master’s degree graduation ceremony in my vehicle. As we were leaving the crowded parking lot, my dad was sitting shotgun and was trying to tell me where to go. Rule #1, when I’m driving you don’t tell me where to go, so I snapped and in a loud and demonstrative voice for everyone to hear said, “shut the hell up, I’m driving and am certainly capable of getting us out of here.” I did apologize to him 20 minutes later when we stopped for gas and explained to him that for our benefit and his health he has to stop trying to control everything. The second example was the next day at a family gathering at my parent's house when he was more concerned with my brother in law leaving for the airport to catch a plane then my brother in law was. (and for the record my brother in law is a pilot) He was very vocal and outspoken as a reminder to get him out of the house. It was embarrassing. Also, you would think that after having a multiple bypass heart surgery about 5 years ago he would know that being all concerned with the minutiae of other people's business, despite how much he cares about them, is not healthy.
Like my father, I have a type A personality. And through watching him I realize that I don’t want to become the type A personality that he has become. I don’t want to become overbearing, controlling, and force others to adjust how they interact with me. This has become all too personal because there was something I wanted to discuss with him this weekend, but because of his surgery and my concern for his health and recovery I didn’t say a word.
Like father like son!
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