Loose Ends

I wanted to write this post to provide some further detail on how I arrived here on blogger.

Music

Over the last 5 years, during my darkest days, it has been my music that has sustained me. Because of this, I have decided to structure my blog to incorporate music into many of my posts. (through the videos that follow) I do this to say thanks and provide recognition to the artist. As well, I hope it provides you with a deeper understanding of who I am, what I like, and the words that have both enriched and inspired me. When a video is present, it will provide you with a glimpse of how I was feeling at the time of the post. (Corny I know, but if it’s there, the song had and still has great meaning to me. Not to mention they are great songs, so enjoy!)

Label

I still consider myself in the proverbial closet with the door cracked open. It was at the conclusion of last year that I said, “no mas!” I can honestly say that my only resolution for 2008 was to STEP FORWARD! To kick start me towards achieving that goal, I signed up for a pay package with gay.com during the final days of 2007. Unfortunately, I have not set up any profiles, nor have I been back to that site since January. Nonetheless, having them charge me every three months is a reminder for me to keep on stepping as it’s costing me money.

January to May

To bring you up to the start of the Stand Straight and Step Forward blog, here’s a quick recap. This will also provide you with the people, although the names have changed, that know that I am gay. As noted on my first post, another blogger was instrumental in helping me get to where I am today. As a matter of fact, he asked me in January the one question that I had never asked myself, "Why haven't I decided to come out?" That one question, for the first time in my life, helped me believe in a completely open, honest, free, and more meaningful world that beckoned me to step towards it. Thanks again Matt! The next person I told was Bob. Bob has been a good friend, mentor, and second dad to me for many years. He has been a very open person, and one who I can truly talk about anything with. We spoke in February and it went better than I ever thought it would. It was such a relief because since then I have had someone that I can truly open up to and begin to breath again. Thanks again Bob! The third person I told was Reggie. Reggie is a fraternity brother of mine and I’ve known him for 15 years. I actually sprung my surprise on Reggie in April when I went to visit him in LA. Although he was shocked and had to pick his jaw back up off the floor after I said those three magical words, he seems okay with it. My only disappointment with him is that he hasn’t been as inquisitive as I thought he would be in wanting to learn more about the personal struggles that I have gone through over the years. However, I am fortunate that he joined me on my first visit to a gay bar, the night I told him, and we are still good friends today. Thanks again Reggie! The only other person that I have communicated with, and who has communicated back, is Pablo. And this is a funny story. I’m in my hotel room on a business trip to Philadelphia when I receive a phone call from Bob. Bob informs me that he got into a chat with a guy from LA while he was waiting for a plane in the Phoenix airport. Bob was going to one destination, Pablo to another, yet somehow Bob played the part of yenta and they met. I’m told that within four minutes the conversation flowed into a discussion about me. As it turned out, Pablo was from LA, we share some traits, and he would be more than willing to talk, and help me out as I continued on my journey. We have been communicating for a few weeks now and I’m very grateful. Thanks again Pablo! So now you are in the know to who knows; two long time friends and two new people in my life who one day may turn out to be someone whom I can call a friend.

My Experiences

I don’t have any. I have never kissed, touched, or made love with another guy in my life. As mentioned above, my first experience in a gay bar was in April. I’ve gone to four gay bars in two nights. I have never felt more awkward, terrified, and insecure than I did those two nights. I truly felt like I didn’t belong as those two nights seemed a lot more like work than fun. But with those first visits out of the way, I am really looking forward to my follow-ups.

So there you have it, you are now up to date. Hopefully, it is onward and upward from here!