Tipping Point?

The trip started off with a smile and a chuckle. As I turned on my Ipod shuffle at the airport the first song, of the 200+ I have on it, that randomly came on was Changes by 2pac. Landed in Burbank and of course since I was in LA I had to choose a Prius for my rental. This was my first time driving one of those and it will probably be my last. The seats were terribly uncomfortable and I thought it was basically a people mover with little emotional excitement. Albeit I was pretty excited when I had to fill up what little gas I used and it only cost me $6.14.

The first planned event for the weekend, or so I thought it would be, was my lunch with Pablo on Thursday. The plan was for us to meet at a specific restaurant between 1:30pm and 2:00pm. I called Pablo at 1:20pm on Thursday and left him a message that I would be there closer to 2:00pm since I was meeting with a leasing agent. I get to the restaurant a little before 2:00pm and begin the wait. 2:00pm rolls around and no Pablo. 2:17pm rolls around, no Pablo and I still haven't heard from him so I call him again and leave another message. 2:30pm I say fuck it, I eat and then leave. I get in the Prius at 2:45pm and finally hear from Pablo. Suffice it to say I was fucking pissed. And I told him so. To his credit, and obviously as he should have been, he was completely apologetic for spacing and forgetting that we were supposed to meet. I gave him a bunch of crap, mostly toungue in cheek, and then we did finally meet. He was helpful and I’m glad that I had the chance to meet him and say thanks.

The rest of Thursday was basically spent walking every street of the western part of West Hollywood looking for rental house properties. Spending these 3 hours walking certainly provided me with a lot of thinking time. Because I did not see very many available properties for rent, and I found myself a bit uncomfortable with a few landlords who showed me their places, I began to seriously doubt whether I had made the right decision in embarking on all of these changes. I began to wonder what the hell I was doing walking the streets of WEHO and whether I was really ready for this dramatic change. The grass I saw was certainly greener in WEHO than in Phoenix but for the first time I wasn’t so sure if mine would be.

Friday was more of the same with the exception that first thing in the morning I called a good deal of people whose properties I either saw on Craigslist, ApartmentHunterz, or by foot on Thursday. Shockingly, I did not receive a call back from any of the people I called. The only response I got from any of them was a text message that I received when I landed in Phoenix on Sunday. I guess it is for the best because I was initially leaning towards renting a house, but after much thought that probably isn’t the most efficient way for me to meet people. So in the afternoon I began to look at some apartment buildings. I believe I found a place that has everything I was looking for with the exception of it being a little longer walk to most of the nightlife. After visiting it and a number of other places I decided to check into my hotel. Since I love all things British this is my second visit to The London and I gotta say it is a sweet place. (although the guys working there were cuter the last time I visited) I would definitely check it out if you ever visit WEHO. (it's a short walk to Santa Monica blvd. and has a killer room, bathroom, and pool) I went out for dinner and then had a few drinks back at the hotel while I relaxed, reflected, and waited for the night of Friday the 13th to come.

The plan for the night was to check out a place I did not visit on my last trip, Eleven. I got there around 10:15pm and it was neither sparse nor full. The first thing that I noticed and liked about the place was the age diversity of the crowd. It was pretty apparent at that hour, however as time wore on it definitely skewed younger. I headed straight to the bar, ordered the bartender's special, which was a pome something or other kamikaze, which was pretty good for $11. I made brief small talk with this older guy at the bar, got my drink, and then walked around the bar a bit to check it out. After my sortie I found a strategic place to hang with views of the front part of the bar as well as views from the patio to the bar. (decent traffic areas) I know this statement is getting very old and tired, but once again I found it very intimidating to be at a bar by myself. As the place filled up, I did not see more than 3 people there by themselves. Some time passed, I spoke briefly with these two guys, one of which didn’t speak much English and then my new experience happened.

I was standing about 7 feet from this table of 2 guys and 4 girls. One of the girls comes up to me and says, “you’re hot!” I acknowledge her, chuckle and turn towards the table. I take a few steps towards their table and another one of the girls says, “you’re really hot!” After that one of the guys, I’ll call him Valencia, comes up to me and we start talking. For the next hour Valencia and I talked, and for much of the time he was all over me. He groped, touched, and moved his hands around just about every part of my body with the exception of my feet. It was pretty exciting and for a minute or two there I was even beginning to get hard and to be honest quite worried. Valencia would pick up my right arm, hold it out then look me up and down. He would then do that with my left arm. He was very playful, physical, and would pick up my shirt to look at my abs. He would then move his hand down to my package. I am a pretty shy, bashful, and reserved individual in the real world. Take those characteristics and then compound them with jumping into my new, real, and honest gay life and what do you think I thought? I thought that this new experience was certainly very exciting but also very awkward and uncomfortable for me. We then got some drinks when I then asked what was upstairs. I prodded and prodded but he wouldn’t tell me. Valencia wanted me to follow him up there. So we finally went up there and there was a packed dance floor. He tried to get me to dance but I couldn’t. I really do like to dance but I still do not have that picture of myself reconciled in my mind of ME dancing with another guy in a public place. So obviously we went back downstairs. From there we got another drink and our connection began to fleet. It fleeted because of ME. As into me as he was, I was just not as into him. (so I thought at the time) I was also fighting MY perception of the stigma, that there is something inherently wrong with coming out and getting experience through hooking up. I left Eleven and overall had a really good time despite going home alone to such a sweet room.

Saturday morning I woke up around 10:00am. I went for a 7 mile run around town with an emphasis on the area where I believe I will be moving to. (Note to self; apply sunscreen next time you run in LA with a sleeveless shirt) I met up with my friend Reggie for lunch and we had to drive around for quite awhile trying to find a place that wasn’t too crowded and had available parking within a reasonable walking distance. That seemed to be quite the challenge. We ended up at his fourth choice which was La Petit Greek on Larchmont Blvd . That was a cool village and a really good restaurant. This village is one of the reasons why I love California. (local shops without a whole lot of national chains) I love greek food and La Petit had awesome hummus and tzatziki. I would definitely recommend it. We talked quite a bit, walked around, and then headed back to The London. There we spent the rest of the afternoon, and for me into the evening, poolside enjoying the drinks, view, and atmosphere.

At night I went to Here, a place I had been to on my last visit, and arrived there around 10:20pm. It was surprisingly empty. I got a drink, walked around, and ended up on the patio. Within a few minutes, and after me almost knocking down a very tall and temporary column which was made out of fabric instead of stone…haha, I struck up a conversation with two girls and a guy. The two girls as I learned were partners and the guy was their gay friend. My conversation then became isolated with one of the girls. We talked for about an hour about everything; what I’m going through, her coming out story, Arizona, WEHO, how many girls we've slept with, their new business, taxes, politics, etc... It was my first in depth conversation with a lesbian. (ooh, how exciting) It was really an unexpected conversation but I must say a nice one. As we were talking the place started to fill up. Towards the end of our conversation, and with her partner and their friend having already gone inside to dance, she asked me to join them inside. I followed her in, but like the night before I would not join them on the dance floor. I went to the bar and got another drink. For the next hour or so I was pretty much by myself, taking the occasional sortie but mostly finding a good place to observe, drink, and think. In such a crowded bar it was an extremely lonely feeling. I then began to really doubt whether I could do this. Whether I could continue to come to gay nightclubs by myself, whether this was the right avenue for me to be exploring and meeting people, whether I would develop the courage to make the first move in flirting with a guy, and whether my mind would ever allow me to feel the joy, freedom, and love that so many of the guys I saw were experiencing and express it in a public place for others to see. Suffice it to say it was an extremely long hour and one in which I was about to leave the bar and thought to myself whether I would ever venture to another gay bar by myself again. And then something happened.

It was around 12:30am and two guys approached. A guy who was interested in me and his wingman. (I don’t even know if the wingman terminology is used in the homo world) The three of us spoke for about 15 minutes and then another one of their friends showed up. He was the hottest of the three and the one I was attracted to. Nonetheless, the hot guy and wingman left after a few minutes and I was left with interested guy. He was a nice guy but one in which I was not physically attracted to. We spoke for about 15 minutes and I asked him a bunch of questions on gay life. He sensed I wasn’t really into him and departed to meet up with his friends at the Abbey. I then moved from the narrow part of the building back to the main bar/dance floor room. Then another two guys approached. It was kind of the same deal as the first group. However, interested guy asked a good question, “why are you so serious.” (I’ll touch on that later) Apparently interested guy, who was really short, just graduated from UCLA and his wingman asked me how I’m going to congratulate him. I threw it back at wingman and asked him how did he congratulate his friend? Once again I was interested in the wingman and not in interested guy. Interested guy picked up on this after a few minutes of me talking with wingman and then he bolted. Unfortunately, wingman was there to follow him.

So what are the mores in the gay world about this experience? Are there any? In the future if I flirt more with wingman and not the one who is interested in me, would interested guy have allowed his wingman, assuming mutuality, to flirt on even though he was the one who had the initial interest? Or will most wingmen respect their friend's initial interest?

Then another guy immediately approached who happened to see me the night before at Eleven. We spoke for quite a bit but once again I wasn’t interested. However, he too added a pearl of wisdom which I listened to. To paraphrase, he said something to the effect that I should be more open because I have a lot to give and offer. Although I clearly haven’t heeded his advice up to now, or the similar thoughts that have been expressed by my friends, I do believe it. It was just suprising and nice to here it at Here. I left there shortly after and once again alone. (fuck, what a nice room having gone to waste)

Ultimately, it was a more difficult weekend then I thought it would be. But once again I survived and believed I learned a little bit more. My goal for the weekend was to find a place and show my face and I believe I accomplished both of those. Throughout the four days my emotions rode the rails from excitement to anger to doubt to awkwardness to frustration to sadness and back to excitement. I am resolute and committed to this journey and my honest life but once again realize that for ME this process will be an incredibly difficult struggle. And I freely acknowledge that the difficulty that I face continues to be self imposed and in my own mind. I recognize that these initial forays are very uncomfortable for me and I present a very serious and most likely unattractive vibe when I am out at clubs alone. I am hopeful that this serious presence will begin to soften as I become more comfortable and sure of myself. I really want to change and know I have to change. How can I not change after what I observed this weekend; so many friends, partners, and lovers expressing warmth, love, and emotion to one another in such a public way? I do feel good because despite the plethora of hot guys in WEHO I know that I can compete from a physical looks standpoint with most of them. It’s my mind and openness that I still need to work on, both of which are my unattractive qualities at this point in time. I need to get out there full time and begin to meet some new friends. I need their support and their help, and I may even need a little push. There I said it, for the first time in my life I may need help!

Jimmy Eat World-"The Middle"