I just don’t know how to feel and what to think about this. That’s a lie. Maybe I do know how to feel and what to think. I’m sad and extremely disappointed.
Looking back on it now, I’m going to believe that my friendship with Reggie, whom I have always considered a close friend, must have been based on one shared common interest. That of our University. Clearly there must have been no deep personal depth beyond that. Reggie was the second friend I came out to (please see Loose Ends post), and the first in my peer group. He also was the only friend I had in L.A. when I moved out here in July. So one would believe, at least I did, that if one were to move to a new city where one knew no one, then one would be able to count on their long time friend to be supportive, helpful, and welcoming in that transition. At least in my case one would be wrong.
My first sense of doubt was the day I arrived in L.A. back in July. I arrived on a Sunday during the July 4th weekend and I had asked Reggie if he could help me for about a half hour when I arrived. After a 6.5 hour drive I wanted someone to watch my dog as I dealt with the apartment manager and all the paperwork that needed to be read and signed so I could receive my keys. In Reggie’s defense I asked him about 5 days before to help. At that time he didn’t know if he could help because he had a party to go to that day but he would get back to me. As would have it, I didn’t hear back from him until that Sunday as I was driving to L.A. and the answer was he was sorry but he wouldn’t be able to help out. (FWIW, I did express my disappointment to him, in person, about this the next time I saw him.)
My second sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve gotten together with Reggie once, a Friday night dinner out, since my arrival in LA.
My third sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve seen Reggie two other times for University sanctioned functions since July. The first was in October and I spoke with him for a couple of minutes. The most recent, in early December, I saw him at the beginning of the function where we said our obligatory greetings which lasted all of about 2 minutes. In the next 3 hours we did not say another word to each other. To his defense, or at least in full disclosure, Reggie knew a lot of people at these functions.
My fourth sense of doubt is based on the fact that Reggie has not responded to my facebook friend request that was sent out three weeks ago.
One of the things I had to prepare myself for in coming out was the possibility that my family and friends would no longer love or accept the real me. I am not at the point where I am going to indict Reggie and say that he doesn’t accept me for who I am, but I am just extremely disappointed in him. Friends are important to me, and I believe I have been a friend who has always been there for mine. Unfortunately, I don’t believe Reggie has been there for me over these last 6 months.
The Fray-”How to Save a Life”
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Adam,
As disappointing as it is, sometimes we must understand that in order to "step forward", we must put aside some things & people of the past.
Your new life of being the real you is what is most important for your journey through life. Not how old friends treat you.
It is truly disappointing when friends and relationships you have spent time building come to an end - whether you both lose touch, have a fall out, realize irreconcilable differences, physical distance, etc.
In this case, it sounds like you had higher expectations of Reggie than he probably had in this friendship. Given your long history of friendship, you would expect more than what little of a hand he has offered you since moving to town. Yet, he has failed to meet those expectations and leaves you disappointed and sad.
At this point, my advice is to think whether or not you want to pursue maintaining this realtionship further (because you believe him to be an important part of your life) or to let it continue to be what it is (quite superficial) and accordingly lower your value of this friendship. Or even somewhere in between the two options. It sounds like you have leaned toward the latter.
Unrelated to my coming out process, I was in a similar situation where I had overvalued a friendship and received little in return. It annoyed and pissed me off, but over a year I realized that my friend did not value our friendship at the level I did. My expectations were higher; friend's was clearly lower and proven by action (or lack thereof). So I lowered my expectation of our friendship, pulled back my investment into maintaining it, and that friend is no longer part of my inner circle. I have accepted what the friendship has and has not become over the past few years.
Any relationship is a two-way street. Just look at marriages. One-way never works. Never. Emotions and gestures must always be reciprocated.
I hope you have a better new year! Have fun tonight.
TNC...Well spoken!! I've 'wasted' 5 years of my life, chasing a 'friendship, that the other party doesn't want to invest in, anymore. We both work together, which makes it harder and 7 years ago, we're the 'best' of friends!! But, We made the mistake of having a 'one night stand' and he couldn't handle it. Sex ruined our friendship. I truely miss his friendship, but I've got to move on with my life and relize that he no longer wants the same friendship, that we once had. Reading your post, helped me alot!! Thanks!!
Post a Comment