I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely laudatory, astonished, and excited way.
"Hell Yes!!!"......The lustful, free spirited, confident, liberal side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of satisfaction the three letter word I wanted to positively use to answer this question.
“Damn, you hooked up with him?”
I would think about this question as it was asked from someone else in a completely unflattering, shocked, and saddened way.
"Hell No!!!".......The stiff, stoic, diffident, conservative side of my brain alluding to and recognizing the hotties that I’m most attracted to, and with a sense of shame and embarrassment the two letter word that I wanted to negatively use to answer this question.
Since my arrival in L.A., many of my L.A. friends have given me a tremendous amount of grief over the “type” or “look” of the guys that I’m most attracted to. While it has all been in good fun, I would be lying if it didn’t have some sort of stifling effect on me. There were times when I’d be out and my mind would prevent me from going after the type of guys that I really wanted to get to know. Despite my attraction to these guys, my mind would take me back to the ribbing from my L.A. friends and the wonderment of what my longtime family and friends would think about some of the guys whom I physically liked. So in the past, I just didn’t really pursue what I really wanted.
Fuck it! ;) Haha, just kidding but seriously I’m done letting what others may perceive of me limit how I’ve been living my life. I care about what all of my family and friends think of me and the people who are and will become part of my life, but I have to be truer to myself and go after the guys that turn me on.
Early last week I went out and the above process unfolded yet again. Only this time I decided that I had had enough. So I went after a hottie and made it happen. We had a great night together. ;) What’s funny about this was my Hottie, who appeared younger, was actually a few months older than some of my L.A. friends. (at least the two who were with me part of the night when I met said Hottie) So much for their ribbing, and it’s been a hoot letting them know his age.
It was really a great night and a prelude to what would turn into an incredibly great week. I met more guys, some of whom may turn into friends while others may turn into something else, and received more numbers last week then I had during any other week since my arrival in L.A. It was an awesome week, and I believe I’ve learned a little bit more about myself and what I need to do to achieve the results and happiness that I’m looking for. It’s incredible what a little confidence and finally getting passed one’s own self imposed hang-ups could do for you.
Stays in Vegas unless you happen to write a little ol' blog.
On Friday afternoon I ventured up to Las Vegas to attend the first night of a friend’s bachelor party weekend. I landed at LAS at 5:00PM PST and was back at the airport 12 hours later. It was really unfortunate that I had prior plans for both Saturday and Sunday because I was really excited about this trip. It had been some time since I’ve hung out socially with many of my straight friends, most of whom on this trip are my fraternity brothers from college. This was my first real, social event with many of them since I came out to them a few months ago.
While some of the guys, like myself, flew in from a few of the Western states, most drove up from the Phoenix area. My first notable experience was receiving a gift from one of the guys from the group that drove. I’ll call him The Mayor and let’s just say I received a key to his city from him. Apparently, on their drive up from Phoenix they stopped at a convenience store. The Mayor is not shy, nor ashamed of eating only the best, and most luscious food when he sees it. So while at the convenience store he saw an item that apparently looked too good to pass up. A 3’ long, whipper snacker, pepperoni flavored beef stick. Only this time, that fine piece of meat wasn’t to satisfy his never ending hunger, but was more a gag gift for his gay friend. Does he really think that all gay guys like to play around with a piece of meat that long? And come on, pepperoni flavored? Has he not been reading Stand Straight? If he had, he would have known that I much prefer the sweet taste of a bit of teriyaki. (haha) In all seriousness, my initial, internal reaction upon receiving his key to the city was one of disappointment. Although I saw a bit of good natured humor in his slightly inebriated gesture, I wasn’t comfortable with our greetings reflecting the fact that I’m gay. Nonetheless, my internal reaction was not expressed externally and I only reflected on it for a very short period. All was well and I was extremely excited to be spending some Vegas time with my good friends of well over 10 years.
The next few hours were spent drinking, gambling (for me only a few hands), and reconnecting. The funny part here is that one of my friends, I’ll call him Jersey, was passed out before 9:00PM. Jersey isn’t some little guy and in the past could certainly handle his booze, I guess not so much anymore. (haha) While Jersey was getting to know his bed, the rest of us went to one of the restaurants at TI. (on a side note, I love this song from TI with Rihanna and I have to ask, are you Live...ing Your Life?)
At dinner we spent way too much for crap food and drinks but overall had a good time in a fun environment. And of course with a group our size we had to have the obligatory one or two guys who disappeared when the bill came. However, I do believe they paid up when they were found later.
After dinner we continued to hang around the casino where we gambled, drank, and mingled. At one point another friend of mine, I’ll call him Shalom, noticed two girls, a blonde and a red head, at the roulette table that was two tables to the left of our blackjack table. He was in awe of both of their extremely large racks. Since Shalom, and all of my other friends were either engaged or married with children I decided to be their wingman for the evening. So I went up to the girls as they were at their very crowded roulette table and began a conversation. My goal was to get them to come with me, so I could introduce them to Shalom. Despite the fact that another friend, I’ll call him Gray, joined in on the conversation at the roulette table and was trying to get the girls to continue to play roulette, both girls left the table and began to mingle with our group. The blonde, whom Shalom liked, followed me back to his blackjack table. Mission Accomplished!
Before we left for the Badda Bing, a gentlemen’s club, we thought it would be fun to introduce the girls to our passed out friend upstairs and see if their presence would awaken his senses. Although I took a number of pictures of what they did, I am only going to post this one of the girls. And yes girls, I really am gay and now you’re starring in my blog. Since they thought I was straight, I played along with them through the first half of the evening, but by the end of the night a few of my friends had told them in their own private conversations that I was. I did speak with Red about it but I can't recall if I spoke with Blonde about it.
We then went to the Badda Bing with Blonde and Red. I have been to a lot of gentlemen’s clubs in my day, both for business and with these same friends, so I was interested to see how it would be going there with them now that I’m out. It was all good and I had a really great time! It helped that the place was relatively empty and the girls weren’t particularly attractive. I obviously didn’t waste my money on any of the girls working that night, so I spent most of the evening talking to my friends, Blonde, and Red. At one point I got into a nice conversation with CRock, another friend, where we discussed another gentlemen’s club in town which I was told had a "special" upstairs. So the question I have as I write this is whether my friends will join me at the "special" upstairs club when I get married? (lol)
After an hour or two we all left and went back to TI. We milled around the casino a bit and that’s when Gray started to mutter the words that Blonde and Red were hOOkers. Most of us didn’t believe that to be the case, but Gray was persistent. When Blonde and Red began to hear those utterances they were gone. Personally, I never believed them to be “working” us that night. I don’t believe that they would have invested a good 4 or 5 hours, with them leaving us around 3:00AM, had they been hookers. I thought they were two really cool girls. Clearly if they were hookers, and any good at their job they would have gotten an impression within the first hour or so from our group and moved on. But then again, what the hell do I know.
Around 3:30AM Gray, The Mayor, CRock and I went to go get some food. Having consumed some drinks and having blown their load ;-) , of cash of course, over the preceding few hours made for an animated conversation. We got into discussing gay marriage and the vote of the people. There was a point where I questioned The Mayor on whether he was being serious because he is too smart to have asked me, or commented on some of the things that he did. One of the things that came up in our conversation were the 1,138 rights that are afforded to “married” couples. You can find them here 1,138 REASONS. These are why the term "marriage" is so imporant to full equality. Beyond the serious tone of part of the conversation, I felt it was all good. Although I felt bad for the waiter because they didn’t have any country fried steak. Poor guy.
After breakfast and having said my goodbyes, it was back to the airport where I got no sleep for the remaining two hours I was in Vegas due to some of the most uncomfortable chairs I’ve ever sat on. Nonetheless, Vegas was well worth it and it was a great start to a very long weekend!
And for one final note, I was surprised to learn that many of my friends read Stand Straight. When I opened the blog up to them (please see Dear Family and Friends post) I assumed that many would peruse and read what had been going on in my life those last few months, but I can honestly say I never thought that they would continue to read it.
So my brothers, THANKS! But like I've told you, this blog is not intended to replace our own live communication. I had a lot of fun in Vegas and am looking to see you all again soon!
It began with a resolution that a change was in store, 2008 would be different because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown and what would happen to me, was finally eclipsed by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began with nothing but time on my side. I found that as each week went by fewer tears left my eyes.
It wasn't all easy. It wasn't all fun. But through my own personal darkness came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences, and the dawn of each new day. It became more comforting and rewarding accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.
I've learned through this year's experiences how blessed I most certainly am. With such amazing family and friends one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident to all whom I love that can see, that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself, in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding can any year be? Exceptionally transformational, when you choose to live your life real and free!
Having just lit my menorah for the first time in WeHo, I want to take this opportunity to wish all of you a Happy Hanukkah and a Merry Christmas!
The holiday party that I co-hosted last weekend turned out to be a fun night and a great learning experience. Our friend’s feedback has been very positive and we have already started to prepare for our next party, A Spring Fling. (our working title)
What was learned from the night was:
-My type A, slightly perfectionist personality was very evident as co-host. -Parking was a nightmare for some of our guests. -The drinks which were a concern, turned out to be great. -The decorations were awesome. -Our friend's feedback on the night has been very positive. -Don’t wait to decorate for your party until the day of, especially when you stayed out past 3:00AM that morning.
Friday night’s plan was to attend my friend's Holiday party, then come home early to get a good night’s rest. I wanted to wake up early on Saturday morning because I had a lot of work to do in preparation for my own party which was scheduled for Saturday night. It’s funny then to experience the results of changes in the most well thought out plans.
I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.
So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.
We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.
We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.
It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)
So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.
With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?
After about 2.5 weeks I finally saw Z at the gym again on Wednesday. He was sitting on an incline dumbbell bench about 5 feet from where I was completing my lower back, hyper-extension exercise. When I finished, I went over to Z to say hello. He stuck out his hand, palm facing down with his weight glove on, and we shook hands in a cupped way. We chatted for a few minutes and I then finally asked him out. I referenced the fact that I still owed him and I asked him out for drinks or lunch. He did not answer it with a yes or a no. He smiled, I smiled and we hedged around what I had just asked. I left him by saying something to the effect of, "think about it and let me know." It was really a nice conversation and he told me that over the last few weeks he was frequenting the gym later in the day to attend an abs class, hence why I haven’t seen him. I only bring this up because he said that I should take the class as well. (he said that before I asked him out)
I’m not sure if Z will at some point say yes, but I’m okay with that. For me, Z was the first cute guy that really caught my attention when I moved out here and joined a gym. Metaphorically, he has been my barometer in how I’ve evaluated my progress since arriving in WeHo. It’s been an interesting, educational, and fun pursuit of Z over the last few months. Befriending him, and subsequently asking him out in some respects brings closure to this initial chapter in my coming out. So I’m pleased that I finally asked him out, and I just might have to attend one of those ab classes. Who knows, maybe he works it with his shirt off. :-)
And to think that you thought Z would be my first date. That would have been just too darn Hollywood. The fact is Stand Straight comes to you from West Hollywood, and my first date is in two days with a guy I met while attending my first house party last Saturday night. He asked for my number on Saturday night, called me on Tuesday to ask me out, and we're going for brunch on Saturday because I already had plans for Friday night.
The text message I received from a friend this morning at 12:37AM upon learning that I went to Hyde for some late night/early morning fun. Indeed I was one of many “little boys” who ventured to Hyde last night looking for some sweets. It was the first time that I had ever gone out on a Tuesday, let alone to Hyde where Tuesday is gay night, and I’ll tell you this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.
Hyde is a really small bar/lounge on Sunset which had a very intimate vibe to it, not to mention incredibly expensive drinks. The clientele skewed younger and it was inspiring to be a part of that youthful, gay exuberance with guys who were there just to have fun and not think. My only problem is that I just can’t have fun. I ALWAYS have to THINK!
I had tons of fun last night and initiated most of the conversations that I had with other guys. (full disclosure, I went to Hyde with 1 friend) I was particularly attracted to this one guy, I’ll call him J, who was extremely cute in both body and face. I initiated my first conversation with him when we were both standing about 14 feet back from, well really in front of the bar while our friends, my 1 and his 4, were getting drinks. I initiated some small talk with J which lasted about a minute or two. When my friend came back with our drinks we moved back into the main room.
Shortly thereafter J and his friends came back into the main room and were standing not too far from us. When I had the opportunity, I moved in on J and told him that I thought he was cute. We spoke for a few minutes and that was that. He and his friends then left the main room and all I could think about was that I must have spooked him by being so forward. As the night wore on I reckoned that he must have told his friends that I approached because I got many glances from them. As the night was coming to a close J and his friends were between me and the door. I was talking with my friend and two other guys, and I saw J dancing with one of his friends. What completely shocked me was this. J, who again was closer to the door than I, came back up to me and said, “My friends and I are leaving and I enjoyed meeting you.” I responded, asked J a question or two, and we then said our goodbyes. Unfortunately, the most important question is the one that I DIDN’T ask. Duh, J what is your number?
So I’m left to wonder and reconcile why J took off to get back with his friends shortly after I told him that I thought he was cute, yet made it a point to go out of his way to come find me and say goodbye. Was he just being polite or was his action a sign of interest? I’m seeking answers, and now I’m seeking J!
The WeHo Rally (11/5/08) The Mormon Temple Rally & March (11/6/08) The Silver Lake Rally & March (11/8/08) Having supported and participated proudly in the above three I am done with rallies and marches for the foreseeable future. I believe they have served their immediate purpose and I am done listening to our community shaming everybody except ourselves. With that being said, I am extremely hopeful that this defeat will be our communities wake-up call to ACTION. I hope that the passion, pride, and participation displayed over the last few days will be there over the next 2 to 4 years as we prepare and WORK to take this issue back to the voters. (I am no legal expert but I am doubtful the courts will rule in our favor and overturn the 11/4 vote.)
After the rally on Saturday I went out to dinner with some friends in Silver Lake where we decided to join up later at night with another one of their friends at some guys costume, birthday party at a roller skating rink. (was told it was a straight party made up primarily of aspiring actors and actresses) Since we didn’t have any costumes, a good friend of mine I’ll call Gene suggested that we go find some ribbons and create some outfits based on a Xanadu theme. (Beyond hearing the Xanadu song at the rink, I still have no clue as to the concept of our costumes and how they related to Xanadu.) Anyway, we each chose a color and since I was wearing blue jeans and blue CK boxer briefs I decided on the color blue. We stopped by Ralphs, a grocery store, where we got some free ribbons from the balloon department. Next stop was another friend’s house where we tied the ribbons around our upper arms and head, and where I received a blue, sleeveless, camouflage shirt in size S to complete my outfit. (I’m not sure if it’s funny or sad, but I felt good, or at least I thought I looked good in my costume when I was wearing it. Having since seen the pictures, I keep wondering what I was thinking wearing what I did.) We got to the rink at about midnight and skated, mingled, and had a great time for the next 2 and a half hours. Since there were no other gays in attendance, or so I was told by my friend who has an astute gaydar, I began chatting up this girl. After about 5 minutes Gene came swooping in to cock block me. It was so funny and I knew what he was doing at the time. Gene knows most of my story and he’s been my second gay mentor. Over the last 8 weeks or so he has taught me quite a bit, challenged me to participate in new experiences, and overall helped me loosen up. (at least a little) He’s a guy who is just so comfortable in his skin and I admire the heck out of it. I know I’ve made some strides over the last few months but I am nowhere close to being at his comfort level. Anyway, Gene knew what he was doing when he cut in, and we laughed about it 15 minutes later. Roller skating was awesome. It took about a half hour and a second pair of skates for me to become comfortable on them again, but once I did I had a blast. To top it all off, in the 2.5 hours that we were there, I only fell on my ass once. And that was only because I thought it would be cute to jump in front of a picture being taken of my friends as we were skating out on the rink. Clearly I got what I deserved and did not make the picture.
On Sunday afternoon, I went down with a friend to Santa Monica with the intent on renting bicycles to ride to Venice. Unfortunately, when we arrived the rental shop was not renting bikes due to the high winds. We left the beach area and decided to have lunch and walk around and window shop the Shops on 3rd St. Promenade. During our late lunch we learned that my friends family was on the pier. As the sun set on the chilly afternoon, we bought some Hot Chocolate from Leonidas and walked back down to the pier. I met my friend’s family and they bought us all tickets to ride the relatively new Ferris wheel on the pier. It was dark, cold, and windy up at the top, but the views were great and it was a fun experience. And Life Moves Onward & Upward!
Bob Sinclar-"Love Generation"
"Why must the children play in the street, broken hearts and faded dreams. Peace and love to everyone that you meet. Don't you worry it could be so sweet. Just look to the rainbow, you will see, the sun will shine to eternity. I've got so much love in my heart, no one can tear it apart. Be the love generation!"
I lost my bet to Z and saw him for the first time at the gym on Monday. I approached him on Monday and told him that I owed him something for losing the bet. He smiled, took his right hand and briefly placed it on my left arm and said it was okay and not necessary for me to fulfill my obligation. It was this conversation that I had been planning for weeks, and I screwed it up. (I felt like such a loser) Hence, I did not ask him out on Monday. So yesterday, I saw Z at the gym again. We were both doing ab exercises, so we frequented some of the same equipment. Early on in my workout I waited on a piece of equipment that Z was on. So I waited about 10 feet from him, with my back towards him, and stood there patiently for him to finish. When he was done with the machine, he again grabbed my left arm and told me the machine was mine. I thanked him and moved on. When Z was done with his workout, a new experience occurred. He initiated some spoken words to me. He said something to the affect of, "goodbye and I’ll see you later." What struck me was that this was the first time that he spoke to me without I having initiated. Progress?
Afternoon
Who knew that my title for Monday’s post “Gone Hollywood” would foretell what I was to experience, in support of the No on 8 campaign, on Wednesday afternoon. All I can add at this point is ...............................................
Evening
I spent a few hours phone banking for the No on Prop 8 campaign. It was encouraging to see a huge turnout of volunteers show up to work the phones. That’s a change and I hope it’s indicative of a turning point in the campaign. Twelve days and counting..................................... After phone banking I met two of my friends out for dinner/drinks at a local bar that does tranny bingo. (One of them has been praising this bingo night, numbers called out by a tranny, for some time) Since it was my first time there, both of them wanted nothing more than to see me win a game. Why? So my uptight arse would be forced to go on up and see the tranny. I didn’t win any games but it was an experience nonetheless.
Finally I went out extremely confident! :) Finally I felt like I belonged! :-) Finally I brought home my first cute guy! :-D
Friday
I arrived at Eleven around 10:30pm. I’m beginning to think there is a reason why they call it Eleven and that is there is no reason to arrive there before 11:00. One of these days I won’t be so excited to arrive early. (fwiw, this was my first night out since I arrived back in WeHo because I have been fighting a cold for the past two weeks.) The crowd was a bit sparse and there was plenty of room to move around. I once again went out alone, and this time it was my choice. As crazy as it now sounds, I actually enjoy going out to gay bars, not clubs, alone. (more on that later)
I’ve touched on this a little before but throughout most of my life I have never liked having pictures taken of me. In addition, I have never liked looking at pictures of myself. (you will not find any pictures of me displayed in open view throughout my apartment.) Like many people, the image I saw of myself in a photo, or the mirror for that matter, was different from what others saw of me. It was never because I didn’t think I was attractive, because I do think I’m around a 7.8 on a 10 scale, (haha) but I believe it was because I never really loved myself. (especially the last 8 years) With all of that said the last two weeks were amazing. Between all of the compliments that I received from my closest friends in how great I looked and how happy I appeared, to seeing what I actually looked liked with the photos I posted online, I just never really knew or maybe ever believed. That’s all changed!!!!!! (and fully coming out certainly played a HUGE part in it as well)
So on Friday night I looked damn good and knew it! I was mentally prepared, and it was my full intention to be the one to initiate conversations for the night. As luck would have it, I didn’t need to initiate any at all. (and for those keeping track, I wore a Lacoste slim fit polo shirt with 2 of the 3 top buttons buttoned and a pair of Diesel jeans.) I arrived and went straight to the bar to get a drink. I then proceeded to walk around a bit to see the clientele and subsequently settled on a spot to call home for the next 20 minutes. When I passed these three guys on my walk, I overheard one of them say, “he’s hot!” So when I stopped, I noticed that they were checking me out for quite some time. When it was time for me to replenish my drink I made sure to go to the bar a few feet in front of them. I got to the bar and overheard them talking about me. So I leaned over the bar and stuck out my arse to give them a good shot. haha I got my drink and went back to the area where I had been. To be honest, I was just waiting for them to make their move. After about 20 minutes one of them came over. He said, “Hi. One of my friends, the one who was interested in yours truly, wanted to know where you’re from.” So I responded, “Hi. That’s an odd question, does he believe he knows who I am.” He replied, “No. He was just curious.” Anyway, I answer his question and we spoke for about 10 minutes. Then his other two friends, including the one who was interested, approached. We all spoke for a little bit but I wasn’t interested. They invited me up to the second floor with them but I passed.
Then another guy approached. He came to the bar with his roommate who didn’t seem to be having a good time. I’ll call him Brazil. (he’s from Brazil via Boston) Brazil was a nice guy and we had decent conversations on two separate occasions. I was not physically attracted to Brazil but I thought there may be a possibility for us to become friends. So I actually gave him my number. (after speaking with a friend I think this may have been a bad idea since I may have led him to believe something different) Early Saturday morning I received a text message from Brazil that read,
“Nice meeting you tonight Adam. Thought u looked great btw. Remember don’t change your style!”
I have not responded to his text yet because I’m not sure what to say. Anyway.
Then two other guys approached. One of the guys opening line was, “You have nice hair.” So I replied, “Thanks. I’m just glad I still have some.” We spoke briefly and the guy thought I looked like Hugh Grant. haha Anyway when the opening line guy got caught up in another conversation I turned to his friend and said, “I thought that was an odd opening line what does he mean?” So he replied, “my friend likes you.” Once again I wasn’t interested, but I was intrigued by one of their friends who was introduced to me at the end of our conversation. Said friend had an Asian background and a great body. All these guys then moved on and Brazil came back. Throughout most of the time I was with Brazil I and Said Asian friend were looking each other up and down from a distance. It was great fun and part of me assumed and hoped that Brazil noticed that and took that as a sign that I wasn’t physically attracted to him.
Anyway, Brazil and his unhappy roommate left and I then made my way to the other side of the bar by the stairwell. No sooner did I stop, a girl walks by and tells me that I should unbutton the remaining two shirt buttons that I had buttoned. She thought I didn’t fit in. I looked at her with a scowl and should have slapped her silly. Then a really cute exotic looking guy approached from the bar. How does this sound; half Spanish, half Japanese, from Brazil, who now lives in London. (I’ll call him Brazlon)
Brazlon, you had me at hello. You had me at hello. (btw, I think I have a thing for guys with a little Asian in them) We talked and everything came so easy for me. It was a bit noisy where we were standing so he recommended that we go upstairs. I followed him to the back stairwell (I had no idea there was a back stairwell) and upstairs to the back room where we parked ourselves on some couches. We continued to flirt with one another when he tried to kiss. I pulled away and told him that I wasn’t ready to kiss another guy in public. We talked a little bit about each others experiences and then an acquaintance of mine walked past and we gave each other a hug and hello. I then sat back down and Brazlon and I continued to flirt and FINALLY my heart overpowered my mind and we started to kiss. I can’t recall what triggered my change in attitude nor who made the first move. All I can recall was how awesome it was. After kissing on the couch for sometime I then said to Brazlon, “let’s get out of here!” We walked downstairs where Brazlon tried to find his friend, but to no avail. We grabbed a cab and were heading home.
Brazlon spent the night and all I’m going to say is that I had an awesome time. It all just felt so right. Brazlon was great and it was so nice to wake up with him next to me.
Saturday
Due to the great night and morning I had, I was late meeting good friends of mine who live about 1.5 hours southeast of WeHo. (I was contemplating postponing the meeting with the excuse that “something came up” but our meeting was too important.) This was another coming out/update conversation and like all the others before them their reaction was wonderful. It was great to see them and their two beautiful little girls, great to bring them back into my life, and I really look forward to their future visits to WeHo.
For the first time in WeHo, I did not go out on a Saturday night.
Sunday
Ethan, a friend of mine, invited me out to dinner where we joined up with some of his friends. Had a nice meal, good conversation, and drank a bit too much wine. (first time I’ve drank wine out since I’ve arrived) After dinner we decided to go check out Area. (supposedly the club to be at on Sunday nights)
To be honest, my experience at Area was So-So. The negative So about my experience at Area was that I thought the music stunk and the place didn’t seem that crowded. The positive So were the conversations I had and the two guys I saw.
On the conversation front, I told Ethan about many of the tips that I’ve learned through my experience of navigating a gay bar by myself. When you’re by yourself, you learn to fine tune your senses of sight and sound. These senses are key as you make your way through the crowds of the hot and not so hot. I also conveyed to him how much of an impact I thought the last few weeks have had on my confidence and attitude. Without a doubt, I am a different person. How different? Ethan thought a guy was cute, so as any good friend would do I went up to said cute guy and started a conversation. Ethan soon joined in on the conversation and by the end of the night they were dancing. :) (fwiw, I also thought he was cute)
It was the guys I saw that made for a fitting end to a great weekend! First up, Brazlon. :-) It was nice to see him again and to hear that his visit to WeHo was going well. Brazlon was there with three of his friends, so I introduced Ethan to Brazlon and Brazlon introduced us to his friends. Brazlon and I spoke for a little bit but that was it. What stoked my ego was hearing what Ethan thought of Brazlon. :-D
After our conversation with Brazlon and his friends, Ethan and I decided to walk around. It was here where I noticed Z and Z noticed me. haha I went up to him again, played ignorant in not remembering his name, and reintroduced myself. I then introduced Z to Ethan. We all spoke for a bit and I thought more progress was made. (he definitely knows who I am) When we left Z, Ethan says to me, “I didn’t realize how cute he was. You have good taste.” haha
What an end, make that beginning to a wonderful new year. L'Shana Tova! Happy New Year!
Switchfoot-”Dare You to Move”
Welcome to the Planet Welcome to Existence Everyone’s Here Everyone’s Here Everybody is watching you now Everybody waits for you now What happens next What happens next I Dare you to Move I Dare you to Move I Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
A Yiddish word that can loosely be defined as something that is “destined” or “meant to be.” I learned about beschert during a wonderful conversation I had with a long time family friend of my parent’s generation last Wednesday. She has known me my whole life and a central component of our conversation was why. Why did I wait so long? Unfortunately it was too easy to answer that question. But the more we talked, the more I began to recognize and accept that my life, and the decisions that I’ve made were beschert.
If my life was “destined,” then I guess one could say my friends were “meant to be.” As nervous as I may have been for my initial coming out conversations in August, these conversations over the last few weeks were extremely fun. I was comfortable, I was confident, and most importantly I was proud that the truth was finally being told to so many people who have been important parts of my life. Although each conversation was as unique as the friend(s) who(m) I was speaking with, the results were all the same. Their friendship, affection, and affinity for me won’t change and they are all extremely happy that I’m happy. What I hope changes, and as I communicated to them, is that our relationships grow deeper and stronger. I do recognize that over the course of time friendships do wane for a multitude of different reasons. With the conversations I’ve had with all of my friends, most of whom I’ve known for well over 10 years, I am comforted with the belief that their statements expressed were genuine, and if a friendship does wane it certainly won’t be because I’m gay.
But who knew that my being gay would have such an immediate impact on other areas of mutual interest in our lives. Our University’s football team has played like crap the last few weeks and my friends were quick to point out to me late Saturday evening that the timing seems to parallel my visit and subsequent coming out to them. Coincidence? :-) It was also very nice and very meaningful, that while most of us were together late Saturday night some inquisitive questions were asked. That engagement meant so much to me, and although I couldn’t answer a number of questions their interest and desire to learn was genuine. I also mentioned to them my hope to soon go on my first date. So now the pressure is really on. (I hope to see you at the gym soon Z.)
So as I sit here having arrived back in WeHo all I can really add is that I’m a gay ‘ol happy fool! (see Runners, take your mark post) My plan worked and the “80” have been told. There are still a few more people that I would like to tell personally, but I now consider myself OUT!
Well tonight for the very first time I'm going OUT to a gay bar in Arizona. More progress and I'm really excited. :-)
I know one thing, it will be great fun comparing the boys of WeHo to the boys of Phoenix.
And I came out to another two friends of mine today. Another two great conversations and I couldn't be happier!!! (well, I'm sure there is a way I could.....)
On Wednesday I left a message for a friend that I came out to in August and asked if he, or he and his girlfriend wanted to join me for dinner before I head out to a club on Friday evening in their town. I have seen this friend once already since I arrived back in Phoenix and I genuinely believe that nothing has changed between us since our August conversation. So when I heard back from him today I was a bit surprised to hear that they would not be able to make it. He mentioned that his girlfriend was working so he said maybe the next time that I was in town we can make it work. I get that his girlfriend is working, but does that preclude him from joining me for dinner? I don’t want to make a big deal about it, and I understand it may take awhile for my friends to fully accept that I am gay but I am a bit disappointed. My friend enjoys going out and we were just talking about it last weekend. I did not ask him to go to a gay club with me, it was just dinner. Was I curious to see if he/they would have joined me out after dinner? You bet! So I’m now left to wonder if he thought, or felt obligated to join me at the club afterward if we did have dinner together. I didn’t really expect him to be ready now to hit up a gay bar or club, but I will say at some point I do expect my straight friends to be accepting enough to be able to have a drink at a gay bar or club. Is this wrong of me to assume or expect? Am I being selfish?
That leaves me wondering how to feel and what to expect 3/6/12 months from now. If everyone says they’re cool and accepting of me no matter what, should I leave it at that? What happens if my friends solely expect us to go out to straight bars when we go out together? (due to family obligations very few of them go out much anymore anyway) Since this is all new to me I don’t know how to feel and what to expect. I just don’t want to be slighted nor feel that the expectation is that if and when we go out drinking together it will alway be to straight bars or clubs. Because if that is the expectation, then I will begin to wonder just how accepting of me they really are. And then I will begin to answer, “No, I can’t make it!”
A major component of my trip back to Arizona is to continue on with the process of coming out to my friends. By the time I head back to WeHo, I hope to have come out to a majority of the people whom I wanted them to hear that I’m gay from me. So today my job began and I came out to another friend of mine, Steven, over lunch at Four Peaks Brewery in Tempe, AZ. (I highly recommend this place if you find yourself in Tempe. They have great food and brews.) It wasn’t too busy so I don’t think anyone else heard our conversation. I had not seen Steven in some time so when he first asked, “so what’s new?” I jumped right in and said, “haha what’s new, I’m gay. Well I’m not newly gay, I’ve always been gay. I’m just now accepting of it.” We had a really nice conversation and like all the others I believe it was genuine. What was unique about this conversation was that he said that he had noticed over the last few years that I didn’t seem to be happy. Steven wondered if it was a job thing, a going back to school thing, he just didn’t know what it was. Now he knows. haha :-) Ultimately, Steven was happy for me and glad that I’m happy. He also said that he would be there for me if any of our collective friends have a problem with it, and if they do have a problem with it then they’re not worthy of being friends. Although I did not expect anything different, I’m once again pleased with another good friend’s reaction.
Then later in the evening I got a call from my mom. Apparently she ran into an old friend of hers who she used to work with and whom I got to know during my University years. So when she asked about me, my mom finally uttered those words. This was the first person to which she's told that I’m gay. (at this point in time my mom will only tell people who specifically ask how I am) My mom said that she was shocked and that her jaw dropped to the floor. She then told me that they got into a conversation about whether I was really gay or is it simply because I really couldn’t make it with girls. Apparently her friend had a family member or friend that came out in a similar way and that’s what she wondered. My mom told her that no, Adam knows who he is and it is not because I couldn’t make it with girls. (Although it kind of is. I couldn’t make it with girls because I can’t make it work with girls.) A part of me still believes that there is a very small part of my mom that either hopes or thinks that I’m trying this gay thing because I couldn’t make it work with girls. I guess that is natural though and will heal over time. So during our phone conversation I had to ask her how she felt. She said she felt fine and thought it was no big deal.
Mom, it was a big deal!
And then to top it off, they got a phone call at their home this evening from the Yes on Prop 102 supporters/haters here in the State of Arizona. So when they asked her for her support on passage of Prop 102, she was quick to respond, “I know what I’m voting on and NO you do not have my support!”
So I thought I would celebrate it by doing a little dancing. I met a friend of mine out last night and I finally made my way on to the dance floor. And you know what, I had a great time. It’s also amazing the image you exude, and how much more attractive you become when you are actually having fun and enjoying yourself. :) Good times!
And why the Good times? Well of course, College Football is back.
The Pac will once again be the premier conference, and my alma mater will be conference champs! :) Good times!
It’s a jungle out there! And for this baby gay it can still be a very scary and intimidating place.
I was extremely optimistic as the weekend began, because I thought that I had made some serious progress over the last few weeks. I was hopeful that the progress made would translate into a different fortune. So in some respects I was extremely disappointed in myself and my continued lack of action.
Friday night I had to play it simple because I had to be up early the next morning. There was a nice crowd at the bar, I talked to a few guys, and a guy bought me a drink. (which was a first without reciprocity) Beyond that the night was ho-hum and I left early and disappointed. You see there was this one guy, who resembled one of my good friends, that I thought was cute. He was talking with one of his buddies at the bar and we made eye contact. We sustained it for a few seconds and let go. I moved towards the patio to observe from a different vantage point, his backside of course. I was formulating how I was going to make my move and what I was going to say. So as soon as I finished my beer, I made my move to the bar. No sooner than the completion of my first step, cute guy and his friend left the bar for the upstairs. ARGH! I ordered my beer and then went upstairs to look for them. I found them, only to see them talking with another two guys.
On Saturday morning I awoke early to make my way to the Sunset Junction Street Festival in Silver Lake. There is an organization out here that I learned about through a friend that I have begun to participate with in an effort to help defeat Proposition 8 here in California. (for more details please see A Mile High and Equally Distant post) This organization had a booth at Sunset Junction and I helped work it throughout the morning. And by work it I mean initiate conversation with festival goers about Prop 8, ask them for their vote in defeating it, and illicit their involvement through volunteerism. It was a great experience where I learned some new things, met some nice people, and overall had a good time. When my shift was over I walked the festival where I ran into a booth being run by the LA Dept. of Health. They were providing free hepatitis shots. So after about five minutes of deliberation and assurances by the nurses that it was safe to receive a shot at a street festival, I took the plunge and got my first hepatitis A & B vaccine shot. (so for those who have suggested this to me over the past few weeks, I do actually listen and take your advice to heart)
After having such a great time at Suede a number of weeks ago, I was really excited to check it out again and see if I truly was a changed man. On Saturday night they were having a special event where Suede was being combined with, their sister and much larger club, Factory. (they are both in the same building) Well I left a little later this time, based on my past visit, and arrived at Suede at about 10:45PM. There was a huge line and it took me a half hour to get in. (major buzz kill) The reason for the line, as I learned when I was standing in it, was that Lady Gaga was going to be performing that night. I believe her one big song, and big may be a bit generous, is Just Dance. It was a neat, cultural experience to view the spectacle of a live performance in a gay dance club. Everyone was packed together like sardines. It may be very un-gay of me to say this, but I just didn’t get all the excitement. After the long line, the packed house, and the slow service at the bars, Lady Gaga only played 3 songs. Three freaking songs! After her winded set, I almost felt like gagaing. I spoke with a few guys, I didn’t dance, and once again I went home alone.
On the way home I began to feel really sad because I began to wonder what the hell was wrong with me? I got my shot, I’ve come out, I’m getting involved, I’m going out, I’m smiling, I’m meeting new people, and yet the results are the same. I have no more excuses. ARGGGGGHHHH
But you know what, the sun still came up on Sunday. In the early afternoon I was invited by a friend of mine to go check out the Sunset Junction Street Festival. I told him that I was there the day before, to which he replied, “Sunday is the day when all the gay boys go.” So who am I to say no to that. :) We take two cars, as I need to be back for a resident get-together at my apartment complex by 7:30PM, and meet at his friend’s apartment in Silver Lake. I get there and the smell of pot permeates the apartment. As I began to shit in my pants, all I could think about was what the hell did I get myself into. (fwiw, I’ve never smoked pot but I’m sure you all could have guessed that by now) SL (friend of my friend) and SL’s friend were smoking a bit before we got there and a bit while I was there. SL was a hottie, eclectic, and a bit spirited. He made us some drinks and we drank for about 45 minutes before heading down to the festival.
All I can say is that my friend and I have two very different definitions for “gay boys.” I define “gay boys” as clean cut, pretty, trendy, and somewhere between the ages of 18-25. From my experience yesterday, it appears my friend defines “gay boys” as leather daddies, bears, and those that love them over the age of 40. lol
So we arrive and our first stop is to one of the regular retail stores that fell within the closed off portion of the street leading to the festival. No this was no regular retail store, it was a toy store for the leather daddies and bears among us. And I’m sure you could guess what type of toys they were selling in there. So after two free drinks with eyes wide open, we left and made our way to the festival area. SL was certainly the eye candy to the “gay boys” at the Sunset Junction crowd. We walked around, mingled, and checked out this private party room of dancing Bears (who knew Bears danced) As the sun was setting, I knew it was time for me to go. If Fubar was so not my type of establishment on Thursday, the Sunset Junction Street Festival was sooooooooo not my type of festival. But you know what, I’m better for it in having had the experience to learn a little bit more. And what an eye opening experience it was.
I get back to my complex a half hour late for the event, but just in time to grab some dinner that they provided for the residents. I also would like to point out that I left my “No on Prop 8” sticker on that I received at the Festival. I did that for two reasons. Obviously to promote the “No on Prop 8” campaign, but also selfishly to promote myself as a mo, or at a minimum mo leaning, to the other mos that may be living at my complex.
After about 15 minutes I ran into my new neighbor. I was dead on about his reaction when I saw him out at Fubar on Thursday. He was completely shocked to see me there. We talked for a little bit at the mixer and I’m amazed at how much we have in common. (although he is quite a bit younger he was totally indifferent to the whole age thing) Anyway, we both decided to head to Here for the night. It was great to get to know him better on the long walk to the bar. And on that walk we experienced the delight of some more intelligent a-holes. We’re halfway there and this four door Mercedes slows down by us, two guys in front yelling insults and making BJ gestures. They then quickly drove off. So for me that's twice now in the five weeks that I’ve been here. If only my odds were that good in hooking up with some cute guys.
We get to the bar and it was awesome. We had a great time, had a lot of fun, and I met some new guys. (and go figure I was wearing a t-shirt, Levi knee length plaid shorts, flip flops, and my hair was casual with no product in it.) I was under dressed compared to most of the guys there, and for me that’s a new experience. :) I also ran into a whole host of guys whom I had met the night before, met on Thursday, and I’m beginning to realize that the WeHo bar/club scene is pretty small. It is also becoming apparent that guys travel in the same cliques whenever they go out. (IE, you’ll see the same guys who went out together the night before were together again) Midway through our time at Here, Neighbor’s friend showed up with his friend so then we all talked for a bit. Then I fell in love. Well not really, but let me at least pretend. He was about 6’1”, short black hair, clear white skin, with a great smile, and had an athletic physique. (as opposed to a muscler’s physique which is so common out here) He was wearing designer jeans and a tight, but not too tight, dark t-shirt with the sleeves coming to the point where the shoulder meets the tricep. He was with four other friends, all of whom were really good looking, so they appeared to be a pretty intimidating bunch. Nonetheless, we did make eye contact a few times but I had a difficult time sustaining it. I was going to say something to him. But what do you know, the same thing that happened on Friday happened again. As I’m on my way back from the bar rounding my way to their location on the patio, they’re on their way out. There is a way for me to try and find out who he is and I’m going to work on that. We’ll see what happens.
So in the span of 24 hours in the jungle of WeHo my emotions once again went for a ride. It would be nice though for something beyond my emotions to go for a ride. Then all of the tourists that visit LA, and ride around on the buses below and those that are similar, who are on their own star studded safari will really have something to watch. Adam from Stand Straight finally getting some. Now wouldn't that be a sight to see!
I’m not sure how many of you actually play and enjoy the music when I've added it to a post, but for this post I ask that you please do and listen loud. (and for those who are new and don't understand why I sometimes include a music video please see my Loose Ends post)
This Song is for Me
This Song is for You
This Song is for US
These past two weeks have been incredible. To characterize them as transformative would be a gross understatement. As I head back to WeHo today I have a feeling inside that I’ve never had before in my life. (and no I’m not sitting on another guy as I drive) The love and acceptance expressed by those closest to me in my life, for the real and honest me, is an unbelievable feeling. I know many of you already enjoy this feeling, and I hope that for those whose journey is about to unfold, you too will be able to share this experience. An experience of a loving family and endearing friends who accept us, respect us, and love us for who G-d created each of us to be. Since I only recently accepted myself and am new to the community, I know I don't have much experience about what it means to live real, nor have I earned the right or respect to educate others through my blog, but I do appreciate you allowing me the time to share my story.
So I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for reading Stand Straight and learning a little bit about my life experience. And to those who took the time to comment here on the blog and send direct emails, I’m extremely grateful. I am not one to ask for help, so all of the advice, encouragement, and support that you’ve expressed was definitely read and taken to heart. I’ve learned a great deal through this experience, not only here at Stand Straight but at so many other blogs and through so many of their reader’s comments, that I truly believe I’m a much better person for having learned from so many others.
So Thanks and (()):**,
Adam
And btw, I guess one could argue that the last 52 posts would conclude the Standing Straight portion of my blog. Truly Stepping Forward is about to begin......................
I still can't believe I did it. To say it was personally liberating would be an UNDER statement! What a blast! I only wish I had some friends out here to enjoy it with and run with as a group.
Anyway, as it turns out I ran it competitively. I know of no other way. The real funny thing was that I missed the start of my 10K race because I set myself up in back behind the Aussie Bum boys. :) You'll see why in a bit. Unbeknownst to me they chose to run the 5K. (why am I not surprised) So I'm waiting and waiting and then all of a sudden realize that the 10K runners had already started. I had to run quick to catch up with everyone, and once I started I didn't stop. I didn't see many cute guys out there which was a bit surprising and disappointing. Hence, I didn't use any of the run-up lines that I thought of. Anyway, here are a bunch of photos from the event. Just call me paparazadam. (and this will be the first and last time that I am paparazadam. All pictures were professionally taken with my Kodak $7.99 disposable camera purchased at CVS 3 hours before the race.)
Felt good with the inspirational message
Creative Costumes
Why I'm Gay (Just kidding ladies. It wasn't my choice, I've accepted who I am, and I love your spirit and outfits!)
Tesla-first time I've seen this 0-60 in 3.9 seconds, electric car in person
Celebrityin the race......although not in his undies
I caught up with him, paced off him for a bit, then ran fast and past
I thought the guy in the yellow shirt and jeans was super cute. He was handing out flyers for another cancer run this fall. hmm
Aussie Bum boys
And so I asked, "Aussie Bum boys can I take a picture of you guys?" The cute one on the left had a weird face after I asked him that. It caught me off guard a bit that maybe a dude asking for his picture would catch him off guard. (and I assumed that he was a model for them and should be used to dudes asking for his picture)
PS....Thanks Ed for the recommendation. I did run in a black pair of the Calvin's you recommended. They worked out well. :) And Dan, I did go with black socks and was tempted to buy black sneakers but I knew better.
This wasn’t my original plan, but it is time. It is time to move forward and officially have that talk. It is time to move forward and relieve myself of the self imposed burden, lie, and guilt that I’ve carried with me all these years. It is time to share the gift that G-d gave me with my family and finally be that better son and brother. It is time to move forward and finally be free!
On Monday I’m going home!
I am going home with a confidence and pride in myself that I haven’t had in a very long time. Quite honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever loved or accepted myself as much as I do today. On second thought I do know, I never have. That is why I am so excited. If I was able to have such a rewarding and successful life up until now without having loved or accepted myself, what can be accomplished tomorrow? G-d willing the possibilities are limitless!
On Tuesday I’m coming out to my parents, brother, and sister-in-law!
Searching for truth, honesty, happiness, and meaning in a world of labels and my own self repression. Coming out in my early thirties experiencing the freedom, fear, and fun that it brings; with the gift of a 12 year old, the experience of a 15 year old, the body of a 24 year old, the face of a 28 year old, the analytical mind of a 40 year old, and the humor of a member of the tribe!
