Standing Straight

Just today I had another example of standing straight. At the gym this morning, with a person I train with and his friend, the person I train with says something to the effect of, “my glute is sore.” His friend then follows that with a very funny body pose and comments in a very stereotypical high pitch voice to the effect of, “we’re three straight guys here, how can we help you and what do you want us to do about it.” As an aside, I have never commented on my personal life with these guys in the past. In addition, I believe these are good guys with no ill will in them. But the point is this, this has been my life!

I’m in my early 30s, and my life up to this point has been one of standing straight. I played varsity basketball in high school, was president of my fraternity in college, have enjoyed a successful sales career in the construction business for most of my adult life, among a list of other activities and leadership roles that goes on and on. Not that any of those activities or positions are uniquely “straight” because clearly they are not, but I chose to believe that society perceives them to be and judges those involved accordingly. I look straight and act straight yet have never thought I really fit in standing straight. Despite my varied life experiences, I have always felt like an outsider. An outsider in the world I knew and an outsider in the world I knew nothing about. So here I am in my early 30s reflecting on how I got to this place, and why I let it go on so long? Where did it go wrong, and what does it say about my love for myself? What kind of moron am I, and what was I thinking?

What I was thinking, and as sad as it sounds, is that for the last five years of my life I decided that I just would’t deal with it. I’ll go into inanimate object mode and discipline myself to not think about emotions, attractions, sex, and love. (Five years ago was my last relationship with a great girl who noticed after six months that I was not particularly open, not particularly satisfying, and certainly must be hiding something behind the impenetrable wall that I had built up after all these years.) Clearly she was right and I knew it. I can now readily admit that I was hiding something from her and more importantly lying to myself probably since the third grade.

Looking back, I have always thought that I was different or special. Not uniquely sexual in nature but overall. This belief, in my view, was supported by the many positive life experiences that I have had. So much so that it helped placate me from the apparent need to figure out who I really was and what my place in this world would be. I have always had this faith. A faith that has enriched me, a faith that has guided me, and a faith that has watched over me. It is this faith that provides clarity for me to finally accept who I am and what needs to be done in my life today. A realization that the person I have become is not the person I know I am, nor want to be. More importantly, the person I have been is not the person whom G-d created me to be.

Switchfoot-"This Is Your Life"