Had a Feeling I Belonged, Have a Feeling I Could be Someone

Since my real life journey began in January, I can not recall a time in my life when I have smiled as often, laughed as hard, or cried as much. I have always been an emotional person, but the only person who knew that was me. It has been so liberating to be able to begin to share my emotions with others. More importantly, I am beginning to not take myself so seriously. (with a heavy emphasis on beginning)

The last few days have been very difficult and emotional for me. The life that I have led, not known but led because I chose it, for the last 9.5 years has finally come to an end. The last few days have been spent boxing up and shipping out many of the things that have defined my adult life up to this point. Metaphorically, it could not have been more meaningful. To spend a number of days going through everything that has meant something to you during this time and box it up and ship it out is a very visual and powerful metaphor for the change I wanted, the change I needed, and the change I planned for that is finally HERE!

So during these last few days I have just been overcome with this great sadness. A sadness that has led to an outpouring of emotion in which I would just start crying. And you know what, I like to cry. I have just gotten so good at it and used to it over the years. I believe this emotive action stems from both my remembrance of the past and my acknowledgement of the future.

I have been blessed to have had such a wonderful experience and career with the company that I have worked for during the past 9.5 years. What made the experience so wonderful were many of the people who I’ve had the opportunity and privilege to have worked, played, and shared some wonderful experiences with. I will be forever grateful for the impact that many of them had in helping shape me into the person that I am today. So as I was boxing things up, I began to realize that for some of those colleagues, who will now just become friends, our talking points are going to change. Our future conversations will not revolve around how the company is doing, but how are our lives going. In that, I will have some very serious decisions to make. I have begun my journey with the intent of FINALLY being totally honest. So when you receive an inbox full of best regards, half of them are customary good luck and best wishes, but the other half of them are very poignant and meaningful including some of the more notable ones;

“Sorry to hear the news about you leaving Company. You are one of the good guys and I’ll miss you. Best wishes for your future Adam”

“Wow, big news. I hate to hear you are leaving but know it’s a choice you made for a better future. I wish you all the best and know you will be successful in whatever you pursue.”

“I am so happy to hear you are moving forward on your terms to pursue your happiness.”

“Great things are ahead for you and I’m so glad that you are no longer going to accept going through the motions. You are too good and too bright for that and for what you were doing, and I am thrilled that you are striving to do bigger and better things while finding your own happiness.”

This reflective sadness just brings me to tears. Tears, because they are such heartfelt comments and I’m such a sap, and tears, because deep down I wonder if they would feel the same way if they knew the complete me. I also wonder what kind of impact I would have had on the image of the gay rights movement and that of the perception of gays in general if I came out to the people who have been in my professional life for so long. I have been that decent looking All-American, highly successful multiple award winner, well respected sales professional to my colleagues, who has worked throughout the country in a blue collar materials industry, and who has been perceived as straight. I really hope that at some point in the future I will have the courage and strength to tell my closest friends from work. That would mean a lot to me, and I think it would allow me to properly close and seal the last box from my experience and time at this company.

The future is HERE! From a short term perspective I can honestly say that I’ve been planning this transition for the past 6 months. From a longer term perspective I can honestly say that I’ve been planning my independence since my college days. I think it is with this realization that brought me the tears of joy for the future. First, how lucky or blessed am I that I am able to completely change every aspect of my life. And I mean EVERY! I know I’m not the first person who has done what I’m about to do, nor will I be the last, but I do recognize that most people at my age will never have the opportunity, the heart, the strength, the will, the desire, or the means to completely change every aspect of their life and live completely honest, happy, and free!

I know I’m a bit too optimistic with a long ways still to go, but one can have a new dream. Can’t they?

Tracy Chapman-"Fast Car"