Break it Down

As I look back today, I've led an abundant, enjoyable, and happy life. I have a great family, good friends, and a good job. All of which I've cared about immensely over the years. As such, there was a part of me that didn't want to accept that I was gay, which in doing so, I believed would completely change who I was, how I lived, how I was perceived, and become an obstacle as to what I was capable of accomplishing in my life. So I chose to live and define myself in two ways. There was the public side and the private side. I believe that I have been perceived on the public side as a very confident person, a leader, a go getter, highly successful, a doer, strong, stoic, independent, disciplined, always there for others, and thought to be straight. This side has, or at least I believe it has, allowed me to achieve both professional and personal goals of mine that have been truly rewarding. The public side was the side that my family, friends, and business colleagues knew. The private side was the side that only G-d and I knew. I would describe my private side as someone who unfortunately has been the complete opposite to that of my public side. I perceived myself on the private side as someone who was and still is to some extent not confident, I always seem to doubt and question myself, I've led myself to an unhappy place, I've gotten shit, I've done shit, I'm weak, independent, and believe myself to be not straight. This side of me also wonders if I deserve to be truly happy.

And it is true happiness that I yearn for. So much so, that I'm completely changing my life.

It is with this in mind that I decided to join the blogosphere. My primary reasons for opening up during this journey are threefold. First off, I believe it will be therapeutic and healthy to begin to open up and share some of my innermost thoughts and emotions, along with allowing me the opportunity to evaluate my own personal growth. Second, I look forward to the day when I may share this blog with my closest family and friends in order to provide them with a deeper view and meaning of who I am. Lastly, I hope to provide my story and experiences as an example to those who may be in a similar situation. I have learned the long and hard way that we are not alone, and if I can give back by sharing and in doing so have an impact on someone else, great!(as I was greatly impacted by another blog: www.debriefingtheboys.blogspot.com)

I have never considered myself a great writer, communicator, or technologist, so I don't know what this blog will turn into, but I'm ready to give it a shot and STEP FORWARD.

Tears for Fears-"Break It Down Again"