A Mile High & Equally Distant

I am gay and am now part of another “minority” group. (I don’t say that lightly because “minority” is more than just a label here, there are qualitative and quantitative opportunity differences for someone who is gay in America in the year 2008. But to be totally honest, I don't pretend to know all of those differences as I write this.) This weekend being gay in a straight America finally sunk in for me and hit me right where it hurts. As I had just come out to my family earlier in the week, I would classify this weekend as my first, personally speaking, “out” weekend. As such, it was some weekend to finally be real.

I arrived in Denver around 1:00pm. First stop was to go pick up my tux, then stop for lunch, and finally hit the road for a two hour drive up to Beaver Creek. (in Avon, CO) I arrived at our lodge at 4:30pm which gave me about 45 minutes to say my hellos, have two beers, and unwind a bit. Initially I felt at ease, happy, and excited to be up in the Rockies for my good friend’s wedding. Although none of my fraternity brothers that were in attendance knew the real me, I was glad to see them all and was looking forward to spending a good 38 hours with them. As it turned out, those 38 hours were some of the most challenging and reflective hours that I have had in some time.

Rehearsal dinner was held at Vail Village. (in Vail, CO) We rehearsed for about 20 minutes on this grassy knoll down by the creek and then had drinks and dinner at one of the restaurants in the Village. It was at the end of rehearsal dinner where I began to really mentally struggle. I was up at the bar when the bride and groom got everyone’s attention. They embraced and said their thanks to their family and friends for coming to join and celebrate with them on their special occasion. My eyes began to well so I had to step aside and compose myself. I am embarrassed to say this, but I believe that the feeling that I experienced at the rehearsal dinner was the first time that I truly felt what it meant to be gay and different from my friends of all these years.

At the conclusion of dinner, we drove back to Avon where a number of additional guests and family members were waiting for the bride and groom at a bar. Those guests included a number of close friends of mine from Phoenix. We were all just talking, having some beers, an occasional shot, and having a good time. Because one of my friends is a runner, I told him, and hence all, about my recent underwear race in LA. I told him my time, which was awesome, and the context of how the race was run. Runner then said, “Is there something else you want to tell us?” My other friend from DC then said something to the effect of, “it doesn’t matter/whatever.” At that point I just wanted to say it but I couldn’t. It would have been completely inappropriate. So I just bottled it up and began to withdraw myself as the evening progressed. Not only did I have to mentally deal with my friends, but my bridesmaid partner, the girl who I walk down the aisle with, wanted me bad. She came up to me a number of times at the bar and wanted me to join her and the other girls. Midway through our time at the bar she came up and whispered in my ear, “you’re so hot!” I started to chuckle and just brushed it off as if I here it everyday. lol Finally, she came over one last time and I just told her that I wasn’t interested. By that time I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and there was no amount of alcohol that would have made a difference. Tuesday I STEPPED FORWARD, only to have stepped back by Friday. Friday night turned out to be a very difficult night and I did not anticipate that I would feel as crappy and distant as I did.

We all, the groom and groomsmen, woke up around 11:00am on Saturday and went to Beaver Creek Market Square and Village for lunch. At 4:15pm we took the shuttle up to the Spruce Saddle Lodge for pictures and the wedding. (funny side note, on the wedding agenda that they gave us it says, “Altitude reminder, we’re at 10,400 feet. Drink plenty of water, avoid excessive tobacco or alcohol consumption, and get plenty of rest.” Yet they had an open bar. So I guess that’s a way to save money.) Pictures lasted about 15 minutes so we had quite some time to get our drink on before we had to go to work. (I did pick up a new nickname during the wedding party picture session from my friend from Charlotte, GQ......further image development for those of you reading Stand Straight. hmm maybe I should wear a tux to the bars out in WEHO)

The wedding started and it was a wonderful ceremony. To see two people who are in love, and appear made for each other is a beautiful thing. As happy as I was for the bride and groom on their special day and at that specific moment, all I could think about was myself and the future that lay ahead for me as a gay man. To be standing up front during the ceremony watching the bride and groom, watching the invited guests, watching the priest, and listening to everything that was said gives one a unique perspective on which to view what a “marriage” ceremony is all about. It was during the ceremony where for the first time, I REPEAT THE FIRST TIME, in my life I felt like a second class citizen in my own country. I realized that the opportunity that my friends were enjoying, the commitment to each other that they were making, and the societal rights and benefits that they achieve together from that opportunity are not equally available to all of America’s citizens. As a gay man, whether I would ever choose to get married is irrelevant to the fact that the opportunity for me to do so is not universally there, and in the states that do allow it the fight continues. (Information provided by Ballotpedia.org)

Arizona Proposition 102, known by its supporters as the Marriage Protection Amendment, is a proposed amendment to the Arizona Constitution that defines marriage as between one man and one woman. It will appear on the November 4, 2008 ballot in Arizona. State law already prohibits same-sex marriage, and Arizona courts have upheld that ban. However, ban supporters contend it also needs to be in the Constitution in order to prevent future court rulings in favor of same-sex marriage.

California proposition 8 will appear on the November 4, 2008 ballot in California. It is variously known as the Protect Marriage Act, the Same-Sex Marriage Ban or the Limit on Marriage Amendment. If it passes, it will add a new constitutional amendment to the California Constitution that will have exactly the following text: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

Florida proposition 2, also known as the Florida Marriage Amendment and the Marriage Protection Amendment, is a proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage in Florida. The proposed amendment to the Florida Constitution will appear on the November 4, 2008 ballot. In order to pass, the amendment will require a 60% majority of those voting in the election. The amendment as written includes a clause prohibiting judges from overturning the law. The ballot title for the initiative says, “In as much as a marriage is the legal union of only one man and woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

Oregon ballot Measure 303 is also known as Referral of House Bill 2007 and the Oregon Family Fairness Act. It is a veto referendum. If the measure appears on the ballot, Oregon voters will vote on HB 2007, a bill passed in May 2007 and signed by Oregon's governor that confers benefits similar to marriage on civil unions (sometimes called domestic partnerships) between members of the same sex. Before HB 2007 was signed into law and took effect on January 1, 2008, marriage benefits in Oregon applied exclusively to marriages between a man and a woman.

When you begin to question whether the opportunities are there and if the rights are different, one has to wonder whether acceptance of someone who is gay is real and America’s citizens are truly equal.

The wedding reception for the most part was a good time. The drinks were free and the dinner was really good. (kudos to the chef on the fresh roasted tomato soup, the grilled elk tenderloin tournedos, and the spruce saddle brownie) The wedding cake was forgettable and the deejay was atrocious. (at least according to my musical taste) I went up to him and requested about 10 songs midway through the reception. He had about six of them so I asked that he play them. With 30 minutes left in the reception he had only played one. So I went up to him and said, “What’s the deal, are you going to play the songs that I requested?” He answered, “all of the other older ladies were requesting Motown hits.” (as he shrugged his shoulders) So I said to him, “you’re just terrible, terrible!” (as I walked away)

We got back to our suite at the lodge around 1:30am on Sunday morning. I set it up with DC and his wife to make sure they wake me up at 6:30am so that we could caravan back to DIA. (Denver International Airport) I also told them that there was something that I wanted to talk to them about. I tossed and turned for most of the morning and was up way before DC knocked on my door. We left our suite at 7:00am to head down to our cars. As we got to the elevator I began:

“I’m not sure if you remember but 2-1/2 years ago when I came out to visit you guys in DC you asked me a question while we were out at a bar in Adams Morgan. And then on Friday, Runner asked if there was something else I needed to tell you guys when we were talking about the race that I had just run in LA. Well there is something that I need to tell you and that is that I am gay.” To my great surprise, DC said he never suspected it and couldn’t remember what he had asked me 2-1/2 years ago. We then spoke for about 15 minutes about how I knew, my process of acceptance, coming out to my family earlier in the week, how difficult of a weekend this had been for me, and how for the first time in my life I had felt different, distant, and in a minority. DC asked about marriage and California. (on Friday I had told him and his wife that I got an apartment in LA and had been living there for the last 4 weeks and had been quite happy about the move) I told him about California’s prop 8 and then came clean that I was actually living in WEHO. He said, “Oh, if I knew that earlier then I would have definitely suspected it.” To which I jokingly replied, “That’s why I didn’t tell you guys.” Overall they were happy for me, and more importantly happy that I was happy. We embraced, and DC’s wife said, “this doesn’t mean we are going to name our son when he is born Adam.” We all chuckled, went to our respective vehicles, and left Beaver Creek.

In the first few minutes of the car ride I began to tear, not cry. (yeah I know, I’m a big puss) That lasted about 2 minutes as I then began to smile for what I had just done. The process of coming out to my friends had begun. Those feelings then gave way to a profound sense of sadness and anger. I left Beaver Creek with a sadness that for the first time I felt second class and distant, having realized that legally, in the country that I love, the joys, opportunities, and rights that those who I care most about can enjoy in this country unfortunately are not legally available to me. That sadness then turned into anger because in the America of 2008, the distance amongst her citizens is still too great.

Do you Adam promise to learn more about your new community, promise to love, cherish, and protect it, whether in good fortune or adversity from this day forward? I DO!

Do you Adam promise to make a difference in your new community, to give back to your community in words, dollars, and deeds from this day forward to make sure that our collective future is brighter than our past? I DO!

For Information and to Support No on Arizona’s Prop 102 please visit: http://www.votenoprop102.com/Default.aspx

For Information and to Support No on California’s Prop 8 please visit: http://noonprop8.com/home

For Information and to Support No on Florida’s Prop 2 please visit: http://www.votenoflorida.org/

For Information and to Support Basic Rights Oregon please visit: http://www.basicrights.org/?page_id=19