Today I finally started to prepare for the actual move. It was only fitting that I started with my walk-in closet. My goal was to go through, sort, and decide on what I was going to take to California, what I was going to leave in Phoenix, and what I was going to donate to the Salvation Army. As it is, what I am going to take to California does not all fit in my coupe, what I am going to leave in Phoenix now all fits on one wall of the closet, and what I will donate to the Salvation Army now takes up 4 large heavy duty yard bags. I just hope that when I get out to my new apartment, all of my stuff actually fits in the one, non walk-in closet that the apartment has.
Like all of the other steps that I have undergone over the last few months, today’s was no exception. However, it was all positive. I owned a number of pairs of size 38 waist Dockers that I used to wear many years ago. (I wonder what type of success I will have at the Abbey if I show up with Dockers on ...they’re trendy right?) There was a time where I just let my body go to shit. I just didn’t care and before I knew it, I was looking at the tags of a 38 waist. In addition, I also realized that I have ALWAYS bought things way too big. Not Kris Kross big, but way too large. I am now beginning to wonder whether that was some sort of mental loathing of my body and a desire to completely hide it. An unconscious effort to make myself appear unattractive. Up until the last few months I would always wear XL t-shirts, polos, etc. Today, I wear a size M in my t-shirts and polos and I look good in that size. I should have always been wearing a size M.
And in my opinion, looking good is one of the keys to feeling good. I personally changed my habits when I had to purchase those size 38s. Today I am proud to say that I am in the best shape athletically, aerobically, and overall appearance wise of my life. (or at least since college) I’ve gone from a 38 waist to a 32 with a body fat percentage of 10.8%. So yeah today was a good day.
and most certainly the guy who represents them. It must be nice to be blessed with his jeans. (I mean genes, um, I mean blessed to be in his jeans, I mean adfjas;ldj;sljdlj)
And yes, I am a Steelers fan!
And make sure you view 3:12 through 3:32 of the following video! Damn, he's hot!
And if I have done something wrong by illegally posting material or photos on my little blog that I had no right to post, and you are the rightful owner of these photos and would like me to remove them, I will gladly do so with a proper email of such. Thanks.
Got word that the apartment I applied for is a go and they are going to try and get it ready a few days earlier than planned. I am hoping to move out to LA July 4th or Independence Day weekend.
And after 6 days I just passed 500 miles on the car. The tires and brakes should be broken in by now but some of the other parts I still have another 500 miles to go. (At least that's what the manufacturer recommends) Despite the daily temptations, it has been extremely difficult to restrict myself from just putting the pedal to the metal and revving the engine above 3,500 RPM. Most of my driving has primarily been around 2,200 RPM. And she, scratch that, he's a beaut!
My college years were clearly some of the best of times along with some of the most defining. It was during these years where I began to really believe that I may be gay but I didn’t accept it, didn’t want to believe it, and certainly wouldn’t allow myself to explore and live it. I loved my life and I wasn’t going to take the chance of what my life would have become had I come out. I never believed that being gay was wrong but I just never wanted to have any part of being gay. I didn't see myself like the image of a gay person that I had. So I reconciled in my mind and fully believed that the confusion I felt in the occasional attraction to another guy was simple jealousy. Jealousy in regards to the success many of my friends and peers had with girls. Be patient I told myself, for my time will come when I meet the right girl who I will passionately fall in love with and share some incredible sex.
As discussed in a prior post, I’m somewhat of a type A personality and an alpha male. So for me college was awesome. My personality made it very easy for me to live a straight life. Throughout college I had “a lot” of first dates, liked “some” girls, slept with a “few” and had a major “attraction” to one. But unlike 99% of college students, I was that 1% whose life was not led, nor revolved around their penis. My life was led by my mind and devoted to the things that I wanted to do and that would position me for career and financial success in the future. I am embarrassed, but honest nonetheless in saying that sex was not one of the things that I thought would lead me to career and financial success. So it took a back seat and just flaccidly swung from side to side. Looking back today, that attitude I had was likely because I probably knew that I really was gay and the sex that I wanted was something I couldn’t have.
What I could have was my job, my activities, my school, and my friends. I worked for the clothing store Structure, the place to shop before A&F, in high school and continued there throughout most of college. (yeah I know, that may have been another giveaway. haha) Throughout my college years it was here where I had my only “hmmm” experience. I met someone that I wish I would have taken the opportunity to explore more. It is easy now to look back and have regret, but at the time there was no way. If I remember correctly it was around my junior year and he started to work at the store I worked at. He was hired with another fraternity brother of his but they didn’t always work together. I remember the times we, I want to say his name was Mark but I really don’t remember, worked together and he was the first guy ever whom I noticed the way he smelled. I loved the way he smelled. We worked together often and we got along pretty well. We even hung out after hours, although always with some of our other work colleagues. (Michelle, Suzy, Mark, and I: the girl’s names I remember and I only wish I remembered if Mark was truly his name because I have tried to remember his name for over a year now. It’s also interesting how I can clearly remember the girls names but have doubt as to Mark’s) I remember we shared many a glances, at times a flirt, and some conversation but the bottom line is nothing ever happened and I will forever wonder what if. On the flip side Suzy and I spent some time together including a fraternity formal.
Greek Life, also called fraternity life, was a huge part of my life in college. For me, the fraternity experience was my classroom and many of my friends today are fraternity brothers. I never thought that I would join a fraternity, but I met a guy my first semester who invited me over to his frat house where I met some other guys, and I subsequently moved in before second semester. From there one thing led to another and life was pretty sweet. The parties were great, the atmosphere was great, and the guys were great, well most of them, and the opportunities were tremendous. I was president for a year, treasurer for a year, rush chair, social, etc….. I also used the fraternity as a platform to get involved in the Inter-Fraternity Council and individually was involved in a whole host of other well respected and known clubs and organizations throughout campus. I was always serious, responsible, and the guy that others would come to when they needed something done. I was respected. No one ever fucked with me, including during pledging because I was a difficult guy to read. (and that has carried on throughout my life) Living in a fraternity house; with the group showers, the pool, intramurals, all sorts of outdoor activities, the retreats, and all of the drunken debauchery, for 3 years provides one with endless opportunities to really get to know other guys. Did I think some had great bodies? Absolutely! Did I think some of them were attractive? Absolutely! Did I admire some of those great attractive bodies? Absolutely! But there was NEVER a time that I jerked off fantasizing about one of my brothers. I was also NEVER sexually attracted to any of them. Did I really know what I wanted at that time? Yes! What I wanted were friends. What I wanted was to be successful. What I wanted was to enjoy and be into fucking chicks. What I wanted was the picture perfect life that I was leading and the future filled with endless opportunities. What I wanted was to be like them, straight!
So it was in those years where I made the conscious choice to lead my life in a direction that I wanted it to go. In life whenever I have wanted something, I do what it takes to make it happen. So I made it happen that I wouldn’t be gay. And since birds of a feather flock together I decided that I was going to be the lead bird. Since I thought I found my flock, guys who I really got along with, guys who I cared about, and guys whom we shared a lot of similar interests, plans, and goals, I was not going to fly away nor lead them off into a different direction. I was going to lead them to success and great times and that’s what I did. Life was real good, so figuring out who I really was and what I really wanted sexually was going to have to wait. And as it turns out wait I did, forever chasing the mirage of heterosexuality!
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Dan for his interest in my little blog about the changes in my life and his nice write-up about it. I really do appreciate it and more so I've appreciated a number of your comments on some of my posts. Thanks!
I also wanted to thank Matt for linking me a number of weeks ago. I mentioned it in my first post, but if it wasn't for his blog I'm not so sure I would be Stepping Forward today. Thanks! (etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc..............)
And thanks to all of you out there who have stopped by and taken some time to read about my struggle and my journey that’s recently begun. The reasons for Stand Straight and Step Forward can be found in Break It Down . I owe it to myself, and more importantly to you, to make a difference and begin to give back. If I can be any help, or if you just want to exhale, please feel free to email me.
Well for this man, the car that I drove for the past 12 years, including some years in college, has been some sort of minivan. Keep in mind that they were fleet vehicles for the two companies I worked for, nonetheless they certainly did fit my closeted, suburban, straight personal brand.
Not anymore.
After 3 months on order, I now have my first new car that finally fits me. I picked it up today and I fuckin LOVE it! Granted it's just a car and I would much rather love someone with a heart and a breath, and to be honest I much prefer to walk than to drive, but I still LOVE it. (And yes I do believe it is the man that makes the car, and not the car that makes the man.)
And check out the coolest safety and security feature I had added. This will come in real handy as I drive by all of the HATERS out there, or as they approach to watch me making out in the front!
The trip started off with a smile and a chuckle. As I turned on my Ipod shuffle at the airport the first song, of the 200+ I have on it, that randomly came on was Changes by 2pac. Landed in Burbank and of course since I was in LA I had to choose a Prius for my rental. This was my first time driving one of those and it will probably be my last. The seats were terribly uncomfortable and I thought it was basically a people mover with little emotional excitement. Albeit I was pretty excited when I had to fill up what little gas I used and it only cost me $6.14.
The first planned event for the weekend, or so I thought it would be, was my lunch with Pablo on Thursday. The plan was for us to meet at a specific restaurant between 1:30pm and 2:00pm. I called Pablo at 1:20pm on Thursday and left him a message that I would be there closer to 2:00pm since I was meeting with a leasing agent. I get to the restaurant a little before 2:00pm and begin the wait. 2:00pm rolls around and no Pablo. 2:17pm rolls around, no Pablo and I still haven't heard from him so I call him again and leave another message. 2:30pm I say fuck it, I eat and then leave. I get in the Prius at 2:45pm and finally hear from Pablo. Suffice it to say I was fucking pissed. And I told him so. To his credit, and obviously as he should have been, he was completely apologetic for spacing and forgetting that we were supposed to meet. I gave him a bunch of crap, mostly toungue in cheek, and then we did finally meet. He was helpful and I’m glad that I had the chance to meet him and say thanks.
The rest of Thursday was basically spent walking every street of the western part of West Hollywood looking for rental house properties. Spending these 3 hours walking certainly provided me with a lot of thinking time. Because I did not see very many available properties for rent, and I found myself a bit uncomfortable with a few landlords who showed me their places, I began to seriously doubt whether I had made the right decision in embarking on all of these changes. I began to wonder what the hell I was doing walking the streets of WEHO and whether I was really ready for this dramatic change. The grass I saw was certainly greener in WEHO than in Phoenix but for the first time I wasn’t so sure if mine would be.
Friday was more of the same with the exception that first thing in the morning I called a good deal of people whose properties I either saw on Craigslist, ApartmentHunterz, or by foot on Thursday. Shockingly, I did not receive a call back from any of the people I called. The only response I got from any of them was a text message that I received when I landed in Phoenix on Sunday. I guess it is for the best because I was initially leaning towards renting a house, but after much thought that probably isn’t the most efficient way for me to meet people. So in the afternoon I began to look at some apartment buildings. I believe I found a place that has everything I was looking for with the exception of it being a little longer walk to most of the nightlife. After visiting it and a number of other places I decided to check into my hotel. Since I love all things British this is my second visit to The London and I gotta say it is a sweet place. (although the guys working there were cuter the last time I visited) I would definitely check it out if you ever visit WEHO. (it's a short walk to Santa Monica blvd. and has a killer room, bathroom, and pool) I went out for dinner and then had a few drinks back at the hotel while I relaxed, reflected, and waited for the night of Friday the 13th to come.
The plan for the night was to check out a place I did not visit on my last trip, Eleven. I got there around 10:15pm and it was neither sparse nor full. The first thing that I noticed and liked about the place was the age diversity of the crowd. It was pretty apparent at that hour, however as time wore on it definitely skewed younger. I headed straight to the bar, ordered the bartender's special, which was a pome something or other kamikaze, which was pretty good for $11. I made brief small talk with this older guy at the bar, got my drink, and then walked around the bar a bit to check it out. After my sortie I found a strategic place to hang with views of the front part of the bar as well as views from the patio to the bar. (decent traffic areas) I know this statement is getting very old and tired, but once again I found it very intimidating to be at a bar by myself. As the place filled up, I did not see more than 3 people there by themselves. Some time passed, I spoke briefly with these two guys, one of which didn’t speak much English and then my new experience happened.
I was standing about 7 feet from this table of 2 guys and 4 girls. One of the girls comes up to me and says, “you’re hot!” I acknowledge her, chuckle and turn towards the table. I take a few steps towards their table and another one of the girls says, “you’re really hot!” After that one of the guys, I’ll call him Valencia, comes up to me and we start talking. For the next hour Valencia and I talked, and for much of the time he was all over me. He groped, touched, and moved his hands around just about every part of my body with the exception of my feet. It was pretty exciting and for a minute or two there I was even beginning to get hard and to be honest quite worried. Valencia would pick up my right arm, hold it out then look me up and down. He would then do that with my left arm. He was very playful, physical, and would pick up my shirt to look at my abs. He would then move his hand down to my package. I am a pretty shy, bashful, and reserved individual in the real world. Take those characteristics and then compound them with jumping into my new, real, and honest gay life and what do you think I thought? I thought that this new experience was certainly very exciting but also very awkward and uncomfortable for me. We then got some drinks when I then asked what was upstairs. I prodded and prodded but he wouldn’t tell me. Valencia wanted me to follow him up there. So we finally went up there and there was a packed dance floor. He tried to get me to dance but I couldn’t. I really do like to dance but I still do not have that picture of myself reconciled in my mind of ME dancing with another guy in a public place. So obviously we went back downstairs. From there we got another drink and our connection began to fleet. It fleeted because of ME. As into me as he was, I was just not as into him. (so I thought at the time) I was also fighting MY perception of the stigma, that there is something inherently wrong with coming out and getting experience through hooking up. I left Eleven and overall had a really good time despite going home alone to such a sweet room.
Saturday morning I woke up around 10:00am. I went for a 7 mile run around town with an emphasis on the area where I believe I will be moving to. (Note to self; apply sunscreen next time you run in LA with a sleeveless shirt) I met up with my friend Reggie for lunch and we had to drive around for quite awhile trying to find a place that wasn’t too crowded and had available parking within a reasonable walking distance. That seemed to be quite the challenge. We ended up at his fourth choice which was La Petit Greek on Larchmont Blvd . That was a cool village and a really good restaurant. This village is one of the reasons why I love California. (local shops without a whole lot of national chains) I love greek food and La Petit had awesome hummus and tzatziki. I would definitely recommend it. We talked quite a bit, walked around, and then headed back to The London. There we spent the rest of the afternoon, and for me into the evening, poolside enjoying the drinks, view, and atmosphere.
At night I went to Here, a place I had been to on my last visit, and arrived there around 10:20pm. It was surprisingly empty. I got a drink, walked around, and ended up on the patio. Within a few minutes, and after me almost knocking down a very tall and temporary column which was made out of fabric instead of stone…haha, I struck up a conversation with two girls and a guy. The two girls as I learned were partners and the guy was their gay friend. My conversation then became isolated with one of the girls. We talked for about an hour about everything; what I’m going through, her coming out story, Arizona, WEHO, how many girls we've slept with, their new business, taxes, politics, etc... It was my first in depth conversation with a lesbian. (ooh, how exciting) It was really an unexpected conversation but I must say a nice one. As we were talking the place started to fill up. Towards the end of our conversation, and with her partner and their friend having already gone inside to dance, she asked me to join them inside. I followed her in, but like the night before I would not join them on the dance floor. I went to the bar and got another drink. For the next hour or so I was pretty much by myself, taking the occasional sortie but mostly finding a good place to observe, drink, and think. In such a crowded bar it was an extremely lonely feeling. I then began to really doubt whether I could do this. Whether I could continue to come to gay nightclubs by myself, whether this was the right avenue for me to be exploring and meeting people, whether I would develop the courage to make the first move in flirting with a guy, and whether my mind would ever allow me to feel the joy, freedom, and love that so many of the guys I saw were experiencing and express it in a public place for others to see. Suffice it to say it was an extremely long hour and one in which I was about to leave the bar and thought to myself whether I would ever venture to another gay bar by myself again. And then something happened.
It was around 12:30am and two guys approached. A guy who was interested in me and his wingman. (I don’t even know if the wingman terminology is used in the homo world) The three of us spoke for about 15 minutes and then another one of their friends showed up. He was the hottest of the three and the one I was attracted to. Nonetheless, the hot guy and wingman left after a few minutes and I was left with interested guy. He was a nice guy but one in which I was not physically attracted to. We spoke for about 15 minutes and I asked him a bunch of questions on gay life. He sensed I wasn’t really into him and departed to meet up with his friends at the Abbey. I then moved from the narrow part of the building back to the main bar/dance floor room. Then another two guys approached. It was kind of the same deal as the first group. However, interested guy asked a good question, “why are you so serious.” (I’ll touch on that later) Apparently interested guy, who was really short, just graduated from UCLA and his wingman asked me how I’m going to congratulate him. I threw it back at wingman and asked him how did he congratulate his friend? Once again I was interested in the wingman and not in interested guy. Interested guy picked up on this after a few minutes of me talking with wingman and then he bolted. Unfortunately, wingman was there to follow him.
So what are the mores in the gay world about this experience? Are there any? In the future if I flirt more with wingman and not the one who is interested in me, would interested guy have allowed his wingman, assuming mutuality, to flirt on even though he was the one who had the initial interest? Or will most wingmen respect their friend's initial interest?
Then another guy immediately approached who happened to see me the night before at Eleven. We spoke for quite a bit but once again I wasn’t interested. However, he too added a pearl of wisdom which I listened to. To paraphrase, he said something to the effect that I should be more open because I have a lot to give and offer. Although I clearly haven’t heeded his advice up to now, or the similar thoughts that have been expressed by my friends, I do believe it. It was just suprising and nice to here it at Here. I left there shortly after and once again alone. (fuck, what a nice room having gone to waste)
Ultimately, it was a more difficult weekend then I thought it would be. But once again I survived and believed I learned a little bit more. My goal for the weekend was to find a place and show my face and I believe I accomplished both of those. Throughout the four days my emotions rode the rails from excitement to anger to doubt to awkwardness to frustration to sadness and back to excitement. I am resolute and committed to this journey and my honest life but once again realize that for ME this process will be an incredibly difficult struggle. And I freely acknowledge that the difficulty that I face continues to be self imposed and in my own mind. I recognize that these initial forays are very uncomfortable for me and I present a very serious and most likely unattractive vibe when I am out at clubs alone. I am hopeful that this serious presence will begin to soften as I become more comfortable and sure of myself. I really want to change and know I have to change. How can I not change after what I observed this weekend; so many friends, partners, and lovers expressing warmth, love, and emotion to one another in such a public way? I do feel good because despite the plethora of hot guys in WEHO I know that I can compete from a physical looks standpoint with most of them. It’s my mind and openness that I still need to work on, both of which are my unattractive qualities at this point in time. I need to get out there full time and begin to meet some new friends. I need their support and their help, and I may even need a little push. There I said it, for the first time in my life I may need help!
Its off to WEHO I go To find a place and show my face Hi Ho Hi Ho WEHO I go!
Tomorrow I head back out to WEHO in search of my new bachelor pad. This will be my second visit there and I feel a lot different this time around then how I did on my first visit to WEHO back in April. (which if you will remember was my first experience hanging out in a gayborhood and going to my first gay bar..see Loose Ends post ) I’m not going to say that I’m totally comfortable, because I am not, and it’s no such thing, because it is, but I do think I have a bit more acceptance of who I am and a tad more confidence in holding my own for this visit.
First off, I wanted to take this opportunity to give a thanks to Pablo. (once again see Loose Ends post ) Pablo and I have been emailing back and forth now for some time. He has been very helpful in giving me some background info on WEHO, telling me about the different neighborhoods, and even looking out for some available rentals. I spoke with him live for the first time yesterday. It is always an interesting experience when you hear the voice of someone you have been communicating with but don’t know what they sound like. Heck, on Thursday we will both be able to put an email with a name, along with a voice and a face as we meet up for lunch.
My goal is to find a place by Friday evening so I can celebrate Friday night and have some fun at the rooftop pool of my hotel on Saturday. But the bigger questions are whether I will be as happy as Happy Dwarf come Sunday and whether at any time during the weekend will there be 6 other dwarfs under the covers with me? (not a chance in hell on the latter, because homey the dwarf is as frigid as the melting ice caps!) And this very well could be one of the gayest things I've ever done. Please start the video below and sing along with my version of the Dwarf anthem. (thank you Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, and Dopey for the inspiration and being a part of all of us) Enjoy and have a great weekend!
I did think, think, think, think, think, think, think In my mind the whole day through To think, think, think, think, think, think, think Its what I like to do I ain’t too proud For my lost now found If ya think, think, think With the hope of leading the crowd In my mind (echo) in the mind (louder) in the minds (echo) in the minds
Where the braver souls are (slight pause then long) frrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think From early morning til night I think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think Up everything in sight I took my time Then planned my move Stepping forward for my peace of mind
And I now know why G-d has me thinking for I think think think think think
(Long Pause)
(bell rings) Hi hooo, hi hooo, hi hoooo, hi hoooo, hi hooooo hi ho, hi ho its off to WEHO I go (whistles) hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho it’s off to WEHO I go…(short whistle)…hi ho hi ho (whistles) hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho YES, hi ho hi ho it’s off to WEHO I go..(whistles) ...hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho it’s off to WEHO I go..(whistles)...hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho it’s off to WEHO I go..(whistles)...hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho
It’s not a secret anymore since I have mentioned it in some prior posts, but my next significant change is that I will be moving. (or at least spending a significant amount of time outside of Phoenix) I have a lot of history here in the Phoenix area since I have lived here for so long. My history in this city and my own mental hang-ups are the things that have stifled my ability to move forward here with the sexual side of who I am. And it is that sexual part of my life that has stifled my happiness, and my ability to focus on the other great things that I would like to do while I have the chance. I know the Phoenix area has a decent size gay population, but my outward view looking in believes it is decentralized. Because of my perceived decentralization of the community, I never felt comfortable in taking that risk to explore who I was. (that statement is not to blame Phoenix just how I view the situation, I am to blame) So that’s where I am today. Wanting to finally explore who I am, along with wanting to gain the confidence, pride, and unashamed strength that I am who I am and it’s OK & ALRIGHT!
So I always knew that when I was ready to move forward I would be moving to a city with, as my friend likes to call it, a gay colony. I’ve had the opportunity to look into Chicago, Pittsburgh, Washington D.C., San Francisco, West Hollywood, and San Diego. For a variety of factors, mainly the weather as I’ve become spoiled to the sun here in Phoenix, I narrowed down my top two to San Diego (Hillcrest) and West Hollywood. After visiting both cities, along with doing a bunch of online research, I decided that West Hollywood would be the place. That’s not a knock on San Diego, because I love it, but I just have this sense about West Hollywood. I’ve read and heard a number of both positive and negative stories about West Hollywood and I think that variety piques my curiosity. That and I am game for the challenge. The challenge to be thrust into a setting which is completely foreign to me and not very comfortable, the challenge to the stereotype of a sexually rich yet relationship poor dating culture, the challenge of growing my internal personal acceptance of who I am along with the acceptance of the diversity of the greater gay community, and the challenge of finding out how I can begin to give back to a community who has fought so hard for so long yet has allowed me the time to find my way on my own terms.
I’m looking forward to this next change in my life and the opportunities that it will provide. I’m a firm believer that success comes in part from being in the right place at the right time. And for me now, that place in this time is WEHO! (well to be fair, not exactly now, but soon)
You know sometimes I feel like such a fool! I recognize that there is no such blueprint for coming out, especially when I am at a non-traditional age to be doing so, but to think how structured and odd of a plan I have makes me laugh. Sometimes I feel as if I think too much and take myself too seriously. (if you haven't noticed by now I do on both counts) Today I sent the email below to my family and friends. I have led a very demonstrative, controlled, and measured life, and it is my hope that this email gets my family and friends to see me in a different light. (with the career change acting as a metaphor and the impetus for the change in my life) I believe in some ways this will happen because I haven't changed that much over time and this will come as a surprise to many. It is also my hope that this communication acts as a precursor for what is yet to come. Within the body of the email are subtle hints of what my next few months are going to be about. So if my family and friends ever questioned or thought that I was gay, which I'm sure by now some may have wondered, (because I haven't dated since my last girlfriend and I should be a catch) I hope this email will act as a signal to them that if I was ever going to come clean the time is approaching. And so you all know from a time standpoint, it is my goal to formally come out by my next birthday.
Change is never easy, but after 12 years of having an incredible run working full time for 2 Fortune 200 companies and watching many of you with great admiration from near and far take successful chances in your lives and find success, the time has come for me to finally take my chance and stop working for the man and work to become my own. I’ve officially resigned and will be spending the next few months taking some time off, living life, and hopefully enjoying it. I plan on doing a little personal travel, spend more time with Dog (he’s going to be 14 soon and is finally showing signs of age while suffering from cognitive canine dysfunction), continue to train for my next marathon or sprint tri, get back involved in the political process as our nation finds itself in a similar crossroads as it was the last time I got involved and went to Washington (so bring on the banter), and most importantly research some of the many business ideas that I’ve had in the past that some of us have spoken about as well as looking into some other things. It took me long enough, but the bottom line is I’m finally going to lead the life I want to lead and not live the life that has led me over the last few years. With this change out of sales, my existing email of -----@------ will be going away in the coming weeks. I have a new email address, and if you would like to update your address book and migrate over there it is -------@--------. (and no I am not running for Congress just yet, although I may need to establish my own PAC soon-haha) My new cell number is 000-000-0000. I look forward to updating you as things progress but in the meantime, I’m off to the beach. Consider the cycle broken!
I believe that some of my family and friends will take this communication literally while others will read more into it. (based on some of the responses so far it's going both ways) Either way, when I look back on this day in September, my gut tells me that I will feel like a fool all over again because this whole thing about being gay will be a non-issue. (since I'm older; time, long term relationships, and I'm a pretty good guy may be the reasons here) If it does turn out like that then I will gladly accept being a gay 'ol happy fool!
Update: The email response from my younger sister. "I just shed a tear reading your email! You have no idea how proud I am of you for all of your hard work and accomplishments. As you said, it is time to live the life you were meant to. I look up to you as a big brother and a role model! You inspire me to do greater things in life. Congrats. I will be out to LA to visit! (Maybe mid July if you are around). Love you lots!" Please pass the kleenex!
And I'm feeling bummed. I just found out that I wasn't selected in the lottery for the 2008 New York City marathon in November. Chicago's LaSalle is closed for October, and the Marine Corps marathon in Washington D.C. is closed as well. So any runners out there? If so, any ideas for a cool October/November marathon?
First off you have to have a little faith. I have a lot, and once again mine spoke to me this morning. Mine speaks to me in ways and in settings that are not confined or constricted to some church or sanctuary. Mine spoke to me today with the timing of a meaningful song on a different day. When I got in the car this morning and the radio came on, which was the first time I listened to the radio today, the song that was playing was Say by John Mayer. The odd thing about it was that my radio preset was on a station that I probably listen to maybe 10% of the time. Yes, I know, I left the preset on that station in the car last night and it was all a coincidence, but was it? It is heartwarming to postulate the meaning of it all; the guidance, the support, the being watched over, the feeling of not being alone, on this day no less. Unbelievable!
After the talk it is now abundantly clear that I get my emotional side from my mom, my personality and stubbornness from my dad, and my unique and optimistic outlook on life solely from myself. The first talk actually went pretty much as I expected it to go. As I mentioned in another post, my dad recently had surgery. So we talked in one of their guest bedrooms where he is spending most of his recovery time. He was laid out in bed, my mom was standing to the front and right of me, and I was standing in the doorway. It was not the most congenial setting to be having a deep conversation. The conversation started with me providing him a birthday card and a discussion on how his healing process was going. Thankfully, everything is fine. So I then moved on with the
“I have something to tell you guys.”
I then told them that I have decided to resign from my job and spend some time on myself to figure out what I wanted to do in life. As I expected going in, the first reaction from my dad was “how the hell do you not have a job lined up. What are you crazy? Most people don’t leave a job without having another one, what are you doing?” My dad is glass half empty, while I am glass half full. My dad is the housing market sucks, the job market sucks, the price for all things suck, and the sky is falling. Where I am the housing market only needs one seller and one buyer, I'm three for three on interviews and job offers, yeah the price for all things does suck, and no the sky is not falling.
As I told my parents, I’m not most people! And as wonderful as my career has been, I am no longer happy. I no longer can or want to devote the time, energy, and travel to that position in order to meet its requirements. And as I said to them, life is too short, so I am going to find out what makes me happy. I’ve put myself in a position to be able to take some time off and I’m going to use that time to figure out what I would like to do with my life.
The conversation then turned into a discussion about my dad and his communicative relationship with his children. (see prior post Like Father Like Son) My siblings and I do not divulge many details about our lives with him until after things have occurred. In my view, that is very sad and damning. This is in contrast to the relationship my siblings have with my mom. As for me, I have been more open with my mom, but not quite as open as them and still obviously very guarded as to the things that I’ve shared about my personal life. So what I so lovingly and succinctly asked my dad were three questions.
Why do you think it is we don’t share things with you until after the fact?
Don’t you think it has something to do with your personality and how you always react to us about the decisions we make in our lives?
And we all know about your type A personality, but why don’t you try and improve yourself so we can all have more open and fulfilling relationships?
My dad responded that he is a parent and has a right and a paternal instinct to care. I totally agreed with that, but pointed out that I believe there is a difference between caring and how he goes about showing it through his overbearing communicative style and tone. From there I mentioned how similar I thought I was to him in personality and how much I’ve learned from him. I told him that I believed that I also have a type A personality but I’ve learned from him that I don’t want to have the same all consuming, overbearing, and unhealthy communicative style that he has. I choose to live my life with a "to each his own attitude" and allow my siblings to make their own decisions, be supportive of them, and allow them to live their own lives. (I acknowledge that some of this may stem from what I've been hiding and my siblings are not my children) I’m here if they want to talk, I’m here if they need something, but I believe that I, along with them, need and should be allowed to make their own decisions in life, both good and bad and learn from them. And that’s what I told my dad. I told him that on this attribute, I do not want to be like him!
We then moved on with my next piece of news which is that I will be moving to Southern California. This, and to some extent the job piece, really isn’t as earth shattering as I’ve made it out to be because I did talk about making some changes about 3 years ago. Nonetheless, it is real and it is here. I also assured them that I still will come back to Phoenix about once a month, and at least in the short term will keep my place here. On the move, my dad was very supportive and my mom became very emotional yet was still very supportive. I believe they both recognize that this change has the potential for good both on the personal as well as the professional level. And in the end, they do want me to be happy and are only hoping that I find “someone” to share my life with. (hmm, my dad said someone whereas my mom said find a girl to get married)
So all in all it went as I truly thought it would go. Ultimately, they were both very supportive and the only thing that they were really concerned with was that I didn’t have a good job, with benefits of course, lined up right away. (as most parents would be) The only close call occurred when we were talking about finding someone and making them happy by getting married. As I have for all these years, I skirted that issue and changed the conversation. I’m pleased that the first talk is over and am now looking forward to delving more deeply into the details of moving. I do love my parents very much and am pleased that we were able to have a fairly open and productive conversation where I know I let a lot off my chest. (especially with my dad) I also appreciate the love and confidence that both of them have in me. And in that I now recognize that after this dry run, the “real talk” is going to very emotional.
Although I did not say everything that I wanted to say, I did say everything that was on the plan for today. And he is pretty easy on the eyes. John Mayer-"Say"
Today is the day I begin to open up to my family. The talk that I was hoping to have with them two weeks ago will occur today. This is not planned to be “the talk” but quite honestly I don’t know what it may turn into. I believe my dad sensed something on Wednesday when we spoke. So if somehow they have finally put the pieces together and decide to ask me whether I am gay, well I don’t know how I will answer that. Today’s talk is to outline with my parents that I have left my place of employment and will be setting up a second residence in Southern California. It will also be to discuss with them that I don’t have a structured plan as to how, in the short term, I will earn a living. That to me is not important at this point in my life. What's important to me today is to finally figure out exactly who I am with 100% certainty. So my plan as I will communicate it to them is that I am taking some time off to figure out what “I” want to do in the future that will provide "me" with the greatest amount of fulfillment, inspiration, and happiness. Period!!!!!!!!!! It’s no longer solely about the money, it’s no longer about their picture of what a successful life is, and it’s no longer about going through life’s motions. It’s all about the American dream, my American dream and taking a chance at living it!
Searching for truth, honesty, happiness, and meaning in a world of labels and my own self repression. Coming out in my early thirties experiencing the freedom, fear, and fun that it brings; with the gift of a 12 year old, the experience of a 15 year old, the body of a 24 year old, the face of a 28 year old, the analytical mind of a 40 year old, and the humor of a member of the tribe!
that I used to wear many years ago. (I wonder what type of success I will have at the Abbey if I show up with Dockers on ...they’re trendy right?) There was a time where I just let my body go to shit. I just didn’t care and before I knew it, I was looking at the tags of a 38 waist. In addition, I also realized that I have ALWAYS bought things way too big. Not Kris Kross 
big, but way too large. I am now beginning to wonder whether that was some sort of mental loathing of my body and a desire to completely hide it. An unconscious effort to make myself appear unattractive. Up until the last few months I would always wear XL t-shirts, polos, etc. Today, I wear a size M in my t-shirts and polos and I look good in that size. I should have always been wearing a size M. 
