It’s been a little over two days now and I feel a whole lot lighter. For the most part I feel great, although my mind has wandered a bit with thoughts of what could have been. Why did I wait so long? My mind may wander there but I haven’t spent the time to really answer that question. I truly do want to just look forward. I am hopeful that with the honesty I’ve shown, the freedom I’ve gained, and the unconditional support from my loved ones, my mind will be clearer, more open, and at ease as I continue along on my journey. Coming out to my family truly has been a tremendous sense of relief.
Yesterday I had lunch with my mom. Lunch went well and I think she is holding up okay. She did ask me more pointed questions and I believe that was a positive thing. I’m still very concerned about her because I don’t want her to internalize dealing with this like I did all those years. Overall her love for me is unconditional, but I sensed that it will take some time for it to fully sink in with her, and I’m going to assume for the rest of my family as well, that I am gay and attracted to guys. That’s just how it is. Based on our conversation she still believes, or maybe hopes that my last girlfriend just wasn’t the one. I reaffirmed with her that clearly she was not the one, nor were any of the other girls that I’ve met through the years. And there was clearly a reason for that. She is also of the mindset that just because I’m gay I will not provide her with any grandkids. I think to some degree this devastates her. Not that I have any plans anytime soon to have kids or deal with this possibility, because it is a possibility no matter what McCain, Crist, or any other blowhards say, but I did inform her that adoption and surrogacy are options that I would have. We also touched on the varied makeup of the gay community and how she just doesn’t want me to change and become one of the gays who are really out there. I told her that it’s okay that they are really out there because I would imagine they are just being themselves. If that’s who they are that’s great. That is not me. I think she doesn’t want me to wear the skin tight clothes that she sometime sees as well as be so flamboyant. (you know the gay stereotype) During this part of the conversation I did tell her that my clothes have gotten a bit tighter because I used to wear sizes that were too big. And that I believe was a coping mechanism for me in trying to hide who I was. I also told her that the image she had of who a gay is persists because of asses like me who have been either too afraid or not strong enough to come out and speak up. And lastly she was concerned about the risks of sex and me being taken advantage of. I told her that I believe that I’m smart enough to be careful because I do fear the risks. But with that being said I don’t want to be crippled by that fear. I also made a point to mention that if she thought I was picky when I dated girls, she should see how picky I am with trying to meet guys. :)
Today I fly to Denver and drive to Vail where I will be in the wedding party of yet another fraternity brother from college. I’ve always wanted to get married so bad just so all of the money I’ve spent being in all of my friends weddings gets returned in my favor with all of them having to spend an equal amount to come to mine. It should be an interesting two days. First, for viewing a wedding so close to the time that I officially came out. The mind will certainly wander, even though I haven't been able to dance with another guy yet, and think of what my future holds. Second, I will think about the two wedding propositions that are on the ballots of the two states that I call home. And thirdly, I plan on coming out to one of my pledge brothers (joined the fraternity at the same time) who is one of my closer friends, old roommate, and just an all around great guy. He lives in Washington DC and I hope I have an opportunity to speak with him about it in person. There will be other good friends of mine at the wedding who I don’t want to come out to yet. Nor do I want in any way to detract or make a spectacle of my good friends wedding whose family is very Catholic. So I will try and be judicious about creating an opportunity, and if it is meant to be it is meant to be.
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3 comments:
I understand you're Jewish, and I've enjoyed this blog, but why do you have to mention Christ alongside McCain and 'blowhards'. Doing this makes you as much of a bigot as those who think your way of life is a bad decision etc...
Anonymous, I didn't mention or allude to the Christ you're thinking of.
Out of the thousands of people who have read this post, thanks for being the first to point out a typo. The Christ you are referring to is Charlie Crist, the 44th governor of the state of Florida, who had gone on record as reported by the AP in WKRG.com "Governor Charlie Crist has said he opposes any change to
Florida's ban on gay adoption. He and other Republican lawmakers
say a traditional family provides the best environment for
children."
So an "h" was added when an "h" shouldn't have been there. I hope you will now understand the proper context in which that sentence was written. Especially since the post was written prior to the Republican convention when there was great speculation as to whether Crist, who actively campaigned and supported McCain, would be his VP choice.
Thanks for reading and your comment, and I will now remove that "h."
no problem. glad it was just a typo because your blog is great. very happy for you.
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