Since my real life journey began in January, I can not recall a time in my life when I have smiled as often, laughed as hard, or cried as much. I have always been an emotional person, but the only person who knew that was me. It has been so liberating to be able to begin to share my emotions with others. More importantly, I am beginning to not take myself so seriously. (with a heavy emphasis on beginning)
The last few days have been very difficult and emotional for me. The life that I have led, not known but led because I chose it, for the last 9.5 years has finally come to an end. The last few days have been spent boxing up and shipping out many of the things that have defined my adult life up to this point. Metaphorically, it could not have been more meaningful. To spend a number of days going through everything that has meant something to you during this time and box it up and ship it out is a very visual and powerful metaphor for the change I wanted, the change I needed, and the change I planned for that is finally HERE!
So during these last few days I have just been overcome with this great sadness. A sadness that has led to an outpouring of emotion in which I would just start crying. And you know what, I like to cry. I have just gotten so good at it and used to it over the years. I believe this emotive action stems from both my remembrance of the past and my acknowledgement of the future.
I have been blessed to have had such a wonderful experience and career with the company that I have worked for during the past 9.5 years. What made the experience so wonderful were many of the people who I’ve had the opportunity and privilege to have worked, played, and shared some wonderful experiences with. I will be forever grateful for the impact that many of them had in helping shape me into the person that I am today. So as I was boxing things up, I began to realize that for some of those colleagues, who will now just become friends, our talking points are going to change. Our future conversations will not revolve around how the company is doing, but how are our lives going. In that, I will have some very serious decisions to make. I have begun my journey with the intent of FINALLY being totally honest. So when you receive an inbox full of best regards, half of them are customary good luck and best wishes, but the other half of them are very poignant and meaningful including some of the more notable ones;
“Sorry to hear the news about you leaving Company. You are one of the good guys and I’ll miss you. Best wishes for your future Adam”
“Wow, big news. I hate to hear you are leaving but know it’s a choice you made for a better future. I wish you all the best and know you will be successful in whatever you pursue.”
“I am so happy to hear you are moving forward on your terms to pursue your happiness.”
“Great things are ahead for you and I’m so glad that you are no longer going to accept going through the motions. You are too good and too bright for that and for what you were doing, and I am thrilled that you are striving to do bigger and better things while finding your own happiness.”
This reflective sadness just brings me to tears. Tears, because they are such heartfelt comments and I’m such a sap, and tears, because deep down I wonder if they would feel the same way if they knew the complete me. I also wonder what kind of impact I would have had on the image of the gay rights movement and that of the perception of gays in general if I came out to the people who have been in my professional life for so long. I have been that decent looking All-American, highly successful multiple award winner, well respected sales professional to my colleagues, who has worked throughout the country in a blue collar materials industry, and who has been perceived as straight. I really hope that at some point in the future I will have the courage and strength to tell my closest friends from work. That would mean a lot to me, and I think it would allow me to properly close and seal the last box from my experience and time at this company.
The future is HERE! From a short term perspective I can honestly say that I’ve been planning this transition for the past 6 months. From a longer term perspective I can honestly say that I’ve been planning my independence since my college days. I think it is with this realization that brought me the tears of joy for the future. First, how lucky or blessed am I that I am able to completely change every aspect of my life. And I mean EVERY! I know I’m not the first person who has done what I’m about to do, nor will I be the last, but I do recognize that most people at my age will never have the opportunity, the heart, the strength, the will, the desire, or the means to completely change every aspect of their life and live completely honest, happy, and free!
I know I’m a bit too optimistic with a long ways still to go, but one can have a new dream. Can’t they?
What a whirlwind of a weekend! For those that have been reading since the start, it should come as no surprise to see that I take meanings and messages from all sorts of different things and events that happen in my life. In a sense, that is my faith and how I connect with my G-d up above. Not only that, but my mind is just too active and goes in all different directions. (Remember, I’m a Type A Virgo) So with that as the preface, here goes in narrative form:
I left Phoenix for San Diego midday on Friday. The weather was lousy in Phoenix, light rain, and I guess the system extended all the way into Southern California. I was bumped up to first, which was nice, but the flight was turbulent for half of the time in the air, we were 1.5 hours late taking off, and no special songs came on in my ipod. We land in San Diego, and what do you know, light rain. Before heading out to San Diego, I did some research online trying to find the gay hot spots to check out. I must have gone to at least five different sites and none of them had any reviews worth their salt. Based on the events they had listed on their website for the weekend, I planned out each night on where I would hit. I read that Hillcrest was pretty casual, so I opted for a pair of Luckys, a long sleeve knit, and a grungy long sleeve button down. This along with leaving my hair as is without any product, was as casual as you will probably see me. I left the Westin at around 8:15 because I also needed to eat.
First mind wandering adventure was asking the bellhop to get me a cab and telling him where I needed to go. Clearly I’m playing over and over in my head that I told him 5th Ave. and Robinson and that is in Hillcrest? What is the bellhop going to think of me by going to Hillcrest? And then the cabbie? I’m not saying these thoughts are right or wrong to have, but the honest truth is that I still have them. The taxi dropped me off where I had asked, and then the rain started to intensify. I had to walk a few blocks to get to Mo's so I thoroughly enjoyed the rain, that’s a lie, dodging it by scurrying from awning to awning. I arrived at Mo’s and to my great surprise the place was packed. I also had no idea what I looked like. As mentioned earlier, my plan was to go out a bit earlier to eat and make a low key entrance. Well so much for the low key entrance. I walked around a bit and that’s where I find it so intimidating to be a lone wolf in a gay bar. Nonetheless, I needed some meat, so a small table opened up by the bar inside and I grabbed it. The waiter was pretty cool and I began to order some Patron Margaritas, (awesome stuff, but too much of a good thing?????) a burger and fries. A little bit after I sat down, another guy by himself sat down at the table next to me. He seemed to be a regular, because a number of people would stop by and say hello as he was seated. Midway through his meal, he broke the ice with, “What’s a straight guy like you doing at a gay bar like Mo’s?” I started to laugh and followed it with, “it’s funny you should say that. Is it that obvious how uncomfortable I look here?” He moved over to my table and we got into talking for quite awhile and he seemed to be a nice guy who was intrigued by my story. I even mentioned the blog as his first line fit beautifully with my life and experiences. We come from a different set of experiences in that he came out when he was 16 and I clearly did not. He thought I was 27 and believed that he was much older than I. I told him that I was older than that but I certainly appreciated the comments. He also said that he liked my smile and that I should smile more. (deep down I hate to smile) We talked for quite awhile, had some good conversation, laughed a bit, swapped phone numbers, and then he left for the night. Before he left, he did make an offer that if there was anything that I wanted to do, hint hint, while I was in town for the weekend, he would be open to it. I was obviously flattered, he was a decent looking guy, and did not know how to answer him so I simply said thanks. I got a text from him a little later, I responded to it, and that was that.
I talked with a few other guys from Tucson and then I met this guy from Sacramento. If I remember correctly, with him I broke the ice. However, I don’t remember what I said. He too thought that I was in my late 20s and I think he was in his early to mid 20s. Although he joked throughout the night that he was only 14. As you can see, age is a big hangup for me. The three times now that I’ve gone out to gay bars I’ve been told that I appear younger than I am, which makes me feel pretty good. However, now I’m beginning to wonder if that is just a flattering pickup line. But I digress. Oh Sac! Sac certainly knew what he wanted on Friday, and what he wanted was me. We talked for a few hours, I had too many drinks, and we left Mo’s a little after midnight. Looking back on it now, the second mind wandering adventure then occurred. I was leaving a gay bar with a cute guy and I did not look over my shoulder or have a care in the world. Now the two too many margaritas might have had something to do with it, but I believe it was more than that. We walked the streets a little bit looking for a cab, as he kept hitting me with a beach ball he took from Mo’s. We got back to the Westin and as they advertise, the bed was Heavenly! (haha) What I remember is this, we got in bed around 12:40 and he left at 4:56. I remember we kissed, he sucked, we canoodled, we spooned, we touched, and through mutual passion we created heat. As you recall, my one goal for this trip was to experience kissing another guy. So I’m pleased that I met my goal! It’s what I don’t remember that scares the hell out of me. I don’t remember dozing off during our time together, but I also don’t remember all that we did for those four hours. I also noticed in the middle of our romp when I went to the bathroom that I had four ovals on my shoulders and traps in various shades of cranberry. (thankfully none were on my neck) When I saw those my mind just went silly and I began to think the worst. (my first time, and what did I catch, etc….) My last girlfriend never exuded that much suction so it’s clearly been some time since I had one, and I don’t remember him being in one place for that long. Well except this other place. But that’s what has me so frightened. What other things could have happened that I don’t remember? And a side question, are hickeys big in the gay world?
Sac left just before five because he was in town with his family to attend his brother’s graduation. I’ve read other people's stories, so before he left, I checked for my wallet, phone, and other key things. I couldn’t find them, so I had Sac call my cell. When I found the cell I found everything else. I then remembered that I hid them in my luggage when we first got back to the hotel when he was in the bathroom. So I have Sac’s cell phone number and his fingerprints on the beach ball. I’m thinking of running a reverse phone search to get all of his data just in case. Am I crazy in fearing the worst in a situation where I simply just lost control and can't remember everything? I'm sure he's just a young, innocent, good guy. Right?
Saturday was a day of recuperation and reflection. I had lunch at the Yardhouse, they have a great spicy chicken sandwich, had a hangover till 3, and spent most of the day walking around the marina district. When I got back from walking I caught the tail end of History of the Joke with Lewis Black. I have to watch this in full, but I mention it because over these last few months I have begun to smile and laugh again. This show just brought that front and center and reminded me why laughter is so important. Once again the timing of it being on was funny. My friend Bob was in town for his granddaughter’s graduation so we met up at the The Palm for dinner. Since Bob is one of the four people who know what’s going on in my life, it was nice to let him know what happened a few hours earlier. I even joked that he was probably sitting next to the guy I was with. Where I felt my age was on Saturday night. Having achieved my goal, not wanting to drink again, and wanting to continue to reflect, I walked around the Gaslamp and then went back to the Westin.
The first thing that I noticed when I woke up on Sunday was that Sac called late on Saturday. He didn’t leave a message but the phone shows he called. Hmm, did he want a repeat or did he want to warn me about something?
Another reason for my visit to San Diego will become evident in the coming weeks. In preparation for that, I wanted to discover and see what San Diego was about. On Sunday, I spent most of the day doing just that. I walked from the hotel to Hillcrest, looked around the neighborhoods, walked through Cortez Hill, Balboa, Little Italy, and down by Pantoja Park. I walked a lot! I thought Little Italy had a much more vibrant and active street scene than Hillcrest had. That surprised me. Since I have a sweet tooth, for lunch I ate at Extraordinary Desserts . They have AWESOME desserts and if you love chocolate as much as I do I highly recommend it. (and since I walked a lot, the calories didn’t bother me) On Sunday night I went out to Universal . Universal is a new, more swanky restaurant and club in Hillcrest. Their goal is to be a mixed club that caters to both hetero and homo customers, albeit with the homos being the larger proportion. I left the hotel and got to Universal just before 8. Suprisingly, it wasn’t too crowded. That fit me fine. I got a great table out on the patio with a view that allowed me to see everyone as they entered. Before I sat down, I was also told by the hostess, a pretty blond chick, that the club side will be opening up at 9. Perfect! I’ll eat and have a few drinks for an hour and then go next door. Well, I ate and had a few drinks but at 9:15 I was told that the club wasn’t opening up tonight. How the f-ck does the club not open up on a Sunday of a holiday weekend, and more importantly why didn’t you tell your staff? I let it go and tried to just enjoy myself. Since the club wasn’t open, the patio area was filling up and it wasn’t a particularly large space. Unlike on Friday, I felt like I stood out more here. From when I was eating alone at my table to when I was standing up, I just felt more awkward. When in reality, I shouldn’t have because I fit their mixed theme, is he straight or is he gay? Which coincidentally is what I heard these two guys behind me asking. I didn’t see any other guys by themselves. Everyone was in groups so I had another two beers and left. I passed by Rich’s, which was another club a few buildings down, but they didn’t seem to be going off either so I headed back to the hotel.
So there you have it. I left San Diego this morning hoping and praying that the only thing that came back with me were the positive memories, feelings, and excitement of my first “experience” with another guy, a beach ball, and the above advertisement of a cool looking hotel on the beach I plan on staying at the next time I’m in town. (you gotta love airbrushed HOT guys with a chest like that!) I also hope that G-d's one lesson for me, which I have definitely learned, from the fear and aftermath of my first experience was that I can not allow myself to lose control like I did on Friday night. My health and life are too important to me for me too jeopardize everything by drinking one too many drinks and not knowing nor remembering what I did. I am also very proud of the fact that I am actually doing this and starting to really step forward.
I'm such a chump! I've been looking forward to this weekend since my trip to LA in April, and here we are the night before and I'm ready to go hide again in the closet. This is what I deserve as the consequence for waiting so loooooooooooooooong! I am just terrified of going to gay bars and clubs alone. Going to the bar will not be the issue, it's what I do inside of it which is my problem. As I experienced in April, I just felt so intimidated as the lone wolf, scratch that lone puppy. It's embarrassing. I'm too old to be this frightened, but I guess that's my lot in life. How do you pick up guys? What do you say? How do you make your move? It shouldn't be this hard. So now you know that I am a
From what I've read Hillcrest should be more casual than LA, but then again I have a hard time doing casual, so we shall see.
I wanted to write this post to provide some further detail on how I arrived here on blogger.
Music
Over the last 5 years, during my darkest days, it has been my music that has sustained me. Because of this, I have decided to structure my blog to incorporate music into many of my posts. (through the videos that follow) I do this to say thanks and provide recognition to the artist. As well, I hope it provides you with a deeper understanding of who I am, what I like, and the words that have both enriched and inspired me. When a video is present, it will provide you with a glimpse of how I was feeling at the time of the post. (Corny I know, but if it’s there, the song had and still has great meaning to me. Not to mention they are great songs, so enjoy!)
Label
I still consider myself in the proverbial closet with the door cracked open. It was at the conclusion of last year that I said, “no mas!” I can honestly say that my only resolution for 2008 was to STEP FORWARD! To kick start me towards achieving that goal, I signed up for a pay package with gay.com during the final days of 2007. Unfortunately, I have not set up any profiles, nor have I been back to that site since January. Nonetheless, having them charge me every three months is a reminder for me to keep on stepping as it’s costing me money.
January to May
To bring you up to the start of the Stand Straight and Step Forward blog, here’s a quick recap. This will also provide you with the people, although the names have changed, that know that I am gay. As noted on my first post, another blogger was instrumental in helping me get to where I am today. As a matter of fact, he asked me in January the one question that I had never asked myself, "Why haven't I decided to come out?" That one question, for the first time in my life, helped me believe in a completely open, honest, free, and more meaningful world that beckoned me to step towards it. Thanks again Matt! The next person I told was Bob. Bob has been a good friend, mentor, and second dad to me for many years. He has been a very open person, and one who I can truly talk about anything with. We spoke in February and it went better than I ever thought it would. It was such a relief because since then I have had someone that I can truly open up to and begin to breath again. Thanks again Bob! The third person I told was Reggie. Reggie is a fraternity brother of mine and I’ve known him for 15 years. I actually sprung my surprise on Reggie in April when I went to visit him in LA. Although he was shocked and had to pick his jaw back up off the floor after I said those three magical words, he seems okay with it. My only disappointment with him is that he hasn’t been as inquisitive as I thought he would be in wanting to learn more about the personal struggles that I have gone through over the years. However, I am fortunate that he joined me on my first visit to a gay bar, the night I told him, and we are still good friends today. Thanks again Reggie! The only other person that I have communicated with, and who has communicated back, is Pablo. And this is a funny story. I’m in my hotel room on a business trip to Philadelphia when I receive a phone call from Bob. Bob informs me that he got into a chat with a guy from LA while he was waiting for a plane in the Phoenix airport. Bob was going to one destination, Pablo to another, yet somehow Bob played the part of yenta and they met. I’m told that within four minutes the conversation flowed into a discussion about me. As it turned out, Pablo was from LA, we share some traits, and he would be more than willing to talk, and help me out as I continued on my journey. We have been communicating for a few weeks now and I’m very grateful. Thanks again Pablo! So now you are in the know to who knows; two long time friends and two new people in my life who one day may turn out to be someone whom I can call a friend.
My Experiences
I don’t have any. I have never kissed, touched, or made love with another guy in my life. As mentioned above, my first experience in a gay bar was in April. I’ve gone to four gay bars in two nights. I have never felt more awkward, terrified, and insecure than I did those two nights. I truly felt like I didn’t belong as those two nights seemed a lot more like work than fun. But with those first visits out of the way, I am really looking forward to my follow-ups.
So there you have it, you are now up to date. Hopefully, it is onward and upward from here!
I believe I first knew I was different when I was in the third grade. It was then that I first had my first physical attraction, as I look back on it today, to another boy. His name was Adam and he was in the fourth grade. I remember that during one afternoon recess, while out in the playground, Adam took off his shirt. Adam looked good without his shirt on and from that point forward during my early years in elementary and middle school I had a fondness for him. During that time I clearly didn’t know what my attraction to Adam was. Was it because I thought he looked cute without his shirt on, was it because he had that perfect unblemished and smooth golden skin that I did not, was it because he was older and a grade ahead of me, or was it because he was pretty popular. At the time, I didn’t know what the answer was. I didn’t know why I was so taken by looking at another boy without his shirt on. For Adam it was just that once, but for me it was just the beginning.
Should I have known then?
Aah, the graduation parties. The first memories that are still fairly vivid belong to those from 5th grade and moving on from elementary school. These stand out because pool parties were the parties of the day. Lot’s of pool parties with everyone in their suits. The thing that I most remember was my reluctance at many of these parties to take off my shirt. This self consciousness about my body still exists today. (I’ve never had a bad body, and today I believe it’s never been better. However, what I see is different from what others see.) I also believe those experiences in the fifth grade were the start of me covering up myself. I’ve always bought clothes bigger than necessary, I’ve always preferred being shirts rather then skins, and yes I have always been a prude. Metaphorically speaking was I trying to hide?
Should I have known then?
To celebrate moving on from middle school, 8th grade to high school, my parents threw me a graduation party at our house. I grew up in a woodsy area on a hill, and we had a gorgeous deck extending from our house. I remember as the party was wrapping up a number of us were sitting on the lounge chairs on the deck talking about our relationships and the bases we all rounded. I remember Daniel telling us about getting a hand job and all I can think about at the time was my desire to give him a hand job. This came after making out with Wendy a little earlier in the day in my basement. But what stayed with me after that day was my desire to get closer to Daniel rather than Wanda.
Should I have known then?
What about my secret crushes on the teen idols that my younger sister also idolized? She would pin-up their photos from all of those teen magazines and I would consequently find myself visiting her in her room more than she came to visit me in mine. The first was Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block.
I remember them having a Saturday morning cartoon show where they would intersperse the cartoon with videos of theirs. One was of the group on stage with a close-up of Joey dancing with an unbuttoned shirt, full chest exposed, and wet. I remember recording it, hiding myself in the basement, and replaying that video over and over and over again. Or what about the time when the movie A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon came out starring River Phoenix. There’s this one scene, attached clip at minute marker 1:35-2:52, that I must have watched a thousand times.
At the time I didn’t know if I was drawn to this scene because I wanted to be in the position that River was in with that older woman, or was it because I wanted to be that older woman and do the same thing to him as she had.
Should I have known then?
For most of my youth, I was lucky enough to have been sent away to sleep away camp for 8 weeks during the summer. Lucky because I really did enjoy it, lucky because not everyone had the same means to enjoy such a similar experience, lucky because it provided me the opportunity to bond with other members of the tribe (it wasn’t a religious camp but it was affiliated and most of the campers were tribe members), and lastly, lucky because it gave me the opportunity to spend 8 weeks in the same bunk with other guys my age. Now I only wish that I could offer a sensational coming of age story from this experience, but I can not. So this blog will go on. What I remember from camp were the pantie raids in the middle of the night. Sneaking out from our bunk and heading off to the girls camp, in search of their panties and to see what they looked like in the middle of the night. (among other things) At the time, I remember thinking to myself that I could care less about these excursions.
Should I have known then?
My high school years were awesome. Nonetheless the confusion persisted. I played soccer recreationally while growing up but moved to basketball in high school. Four years of basketball on the high school team, two on varsity for what? Was it the love of the game, or the love of the guys? Was it the sweaty, shirtless practices or the locker room after a game? What about my desire throughout high school to befriend all of the hot guys in class to work my way into situations where I saw them how I wanted to see them. (worked a number of times) Or what about the many times Henry and I used to wrestle either in my basement or his house. He would pretend that he was Hulk Hogan and I would pretend I was Andre the Giant. He would always take his shirt off, and I wouldn’t. I would get hard, and he wouldn’t. At least that’s how I experienced it on our final match. I left his house that day knowing something was wrong, and I only hoped that he didn’t feel it. (as I most certainly did) After that incident, we were still friends for the final 3 years of high school but not like we were before. He never brought it up and I never opened up about the sudden strength I found that day in the muscle that decided to wake up.
Should I have known then?
I just don’t know. It seems easy now to reflect back, look at my life, and pinpoint the things in my youth that I either didn’t want to see, or believe in the person that I didn’t want to be. My youth years were for the most part great, and there were certainly a lot more grey experiences to them then the black and white ones that I’ve finally opened up about here. However, I will forever have to live with the consequences, the sense of wonder, the mental anguish, and the missed opportunities of what my complete and honest life could have been. Do I have any regrets? Not really! (that's a lie, maybe one or two sexual ones) Do I look forward to my honest future? Absolutely!
In order to step forward I recognize that I must return to my innocence.
I just heard this song on the radio yesterday and I can't stop listening to it. (after having downloaded it from itunes) I'm not sure how old or new the song is, but it's awesome! It's the perfect Monday morning doldrums song. So turn the volume up and get up and move. Or as Metro Station likes to say Shake It!
(btw, the real video is cool but they won't let us embed it)
I am pissed! I have a trip planned to San Diego for this upcoming Memorial Day weekend and I couldn't have been happier. Until late last night that is. This trip has been part of my master plan and it has been booked and paid for now for over two months. Well, late last night I got in a fight with my
clock/radio. It looks very much like the one above and I've had it since I was a little kid. Unfortunately, the clock/radio won this fight, but I will win the war. (do I hear Goodwill) Anyway, as I was heading off to dreamland with the clock/radio sleep function on, the reception started to go so I tried to move the clock/radio from one side of the bed to the other in an attempt for clarity. Well, the plug got stuck on something so I had to yank it. haha The second time I yanked on it from a lying position in bed, my grip on the clock/radio was lost. The clock/radio crashed down on my mouth and chin and busted my lip and bruised my chin. YES!!! That's just what I needed. The results are a swollen, busted, and bloody lip, a 3/4" cut going from where my flesh meets the top lip, wrapping all the way underneath to the inside gums. It's almost a straight, vertical line. However, I am pretty lucky as it appears I did not injure any teeth.
So what does this all mean? My hopes for next weekend are shot. I was really looking forward to my trip to San Diego for progress on my journey and to kiss my first cute guy. As of now, the only thing I'm going to be kissing is my pillow. My trip now will have to focus on the other reasons for visiting; relaxation and checking out Hillcrest. Despite my apprehension and feeling of terror in stepping forward, I did not plan for this to happen.
So why? At this point, I believe it was a sign to let go of the things that I've held onto since I was a kid. In this case, my clock/radio. With the help of
I am hoping it heals healthy. But will it heal in time?
After 9-1/2 years of working in a sales function for the same company in the construction industry, I have resigned. I gave my two weeks notice today. This day has been highlighted on my calendar for the past 60 days. The longest 60 days of my life. Today's action will go down as just another example, too numerous to count, of the measured and methodical way in how I have lived. That is about to change!
I did not make this decision lightly, and with a heavy heart it was very difficult to break the news to my boss. He, and the company have been extraordinarily supportive through the years and I leave very grateful for the many opportunities and rewards that have come my way. I tried to prepare him for this day over the last few months having offered him a number of hints about my unhappiness. Despite this, his response was still WOW! Once again, someone was completely surprised by something I had to say. He wanted to reflect on my decision over the weekend and asked that we speak again on Monday, which I agreed. However, my decision is FIRM and I am at peace with it.
For me, this decision represents FREEDOM! As crazy, laughable, and as sad as that may sound, I could not move forward with my life carrying the baggage of my past. (having broken the zippers on my baggage, making it inoperable during my business trip a few weeks ago, was the final confirmation from above) So this decision is the first step in my plan to be the honest me. It offers me the fresh start to be who I am and to do what I really want to do. It provides me with the opportunities to create the life that I have been looking to lead, and not the life that has led me. It provides me with FREEDOM!
Tomorrow my dad goes in for ankle surgery and I got into thinking about him, and how in some ways I’m very much like him. I love my dad very much and am extremely thankful for his love and the generous life that he provided for our family while growing up. He knows my feelings on these, so that’s not where my thoughts are leading.
As the years have gone by, I have begun to realize that we are very much alike and that scares the crap out of me. In some ways I want to be like him but in others I want no such thing. I followed my dad into the sales profession and had a fair amount of success. I believe he was quite surprised that I took to sales as well as I did. He always thought that my older brother was better suited for sales. Why I am not sure. I’m not sure what he thought I would do in my life, but I don’t think he ever worried about me from a paying the bills, survival kind of way like he has my siblings. But from a worry about everything and everyone else kind of way, including why doesn’t my middle son with so much to offer not have a beautiful wife and all these little babies like my older brother, worry he does. It seems like all too often now my dad reminds us of his type A personality.
(Type A personalities generally exhibit characteristics such as being time-conscious, highly competitive, direct and more assertive, and less relaxed. Over the years, the type of extra stress that most “Type A” people experience takes a toll on one’s health and lifestyle. The following are some of the negative effects that are common among those exhibiting this personality: hypertension, heart disease, job stress, and social isolation. These characteristics generally have a negative effect on one’s life.)
Like being a type A personality somehow makes one’s behavior acceptable. No it doesn’t! He reminds us way too often of his type A personality as an excuse for his behaviors that are just driving me insane. I don’t think he realizes that his behaviors piss people off and drive them away. Here are two examples from this weekend. First off, I am driving my parents, my younger sister, and her husband back from my sister’s master’s degree graduation ceremony in my vehicle. As we were leaving the crowded parking lot, my dad was sitting shotgun and was trying to tell me where to go. Rule #1, when I’m driving you don’t tell me where to go, so I snapped and in a loud and demonstrative voice for everyone to hear said, “shut the hell up, I’m driving and am certainly capable of getting us out of here.” I did apologize to him 20 minutes later when we stopped for gas and explained to him that for our benefit and his health he has to stop trying to control everything. The second example was the next day at a family gathering at my parent's house when he was more concerned with my brother in law leaving for the airport to catch a plane then my brother in law was. (and for the record my brother in law is a pilot) He was very vocal and outspoken as a reminder to get him out of the house. It was embarrassing. Also, you would think that after having a multiple bypass heart surgery about 5 years ago he would know that being all concerned with the minutiae of other people's business, despite how much he cares about them, is not healthy.
Like my father, I have a type A personality. And through watching him I realize that I don’t want to become the type A personality that he has become. I don’t want to become overbearing, controlling, and force others to adjust how they interact with me. This has become all too personal because there was something I wanted to discuss with him this weekend, but because of his surgery and my concern for his health and recovery I didn’t say a word.
Just today I had another example of standing straight. At the gym this morning, with a person I train with and his friend, the person I train with says something to the effect of, “my glute is sore.” His friend then follows that with a very funny body pose and comments in a very stereotypical high pitch voice to the effect of, “we’re three straight guys here, how can we help you and what do you want us to do about it.” As an aside, I have never commented on my personal life with these guys in the past. In addition, I believe these are good guys with no ill will in them. But the point is this, this has been my life!
I’m in my early 30s, and my life up to this point has been one of standing straight. I played varsity basketball in high school, was president of my fraternity in college, have enjoyed a successful sales career in the construction business for most of my adult life, among a list of other activities and leadership roles that goes on and on. Not that any of those activities or positions are uniquely “straight” because clearly they are not, but I chose to believe that society perceives them to be and judges those involved accordingly. I look straight and act straight yet have never thought I really fit in standing straight. Despite my varied life experiences, I have always felt like an outsider. An outsider in the world I knew and an outsider in the world I knew nothing about. So here I am in my early 30s reflecting on how I got to this place, and why I let it go on so long? Where did it go wrong, and what does it say about my love for myself? What kind of moron am I, and what was I thinking?
What I was thinking, and as sad as it sounds, is that for the last five years of my life I decided that I just would’t deal with it. I’ll go into inanimate object mode and discipline myself to not think about emotions, attractions, sex, and love. (Five years ago was my last relationship with a great girl who noticed after six months that I was not particularly open, not particularly satisfying, and certainly must be hiding something behind the impenetrable wall that I had built up after all these years.) Clearly she was right and I knew it. I can now readily admit that I was hiding something from her and more importantly lying to myself probably since the third grade.
Looking back, I have always thought that I was different or special. Not uniquely sexual in nature but overall. This belief, in my view, was supported by the many positive life experiences that I have had. So much so that it helped placate me from the apparent need to figure out who I really was and what my place in this world would be. I have always had this faith. A faith that has enriched me, a faith that has guided me, and a faith that has watched over me. It is this faith that provides clarity for me to finally accept who I am and what needs to be done in my life today. A realization that the person I have become is not the person I know I am, nor want to be. More importantly, the person I have been is not the person whom G-d created me to be.
As I look back today, I've led an abundant, enjoyable, and happy life. I have a great family, good friends, and a good job. All of which I've cared about immensely over the years. As such, there was a part of me that didn't want to accept that I was gay, which in doing so, I believed would completely change who I was, how I lived, how I was perceived, and become an obstacle as to what I was capable of accomplishing in my life. So I chose to live and define myself in two ways. There was the public side and the private side. I believe that I have been perceived on the public side as a very confident person, a leader, a go getter, highly successful, a doer, strong, stoic, independent, disciplined, always there for others, and thought to be straight. This side has, or at least I believe it has, allowed me to achieve both professional and personal goals of mine that have been truly rewarding. The public side was the side that my family, friends, and business colleagues knew. The private side was the side that only G-d and I knew. I would describe my private side as someone who unfortunately has been the complete opposite to that of my public side. I perceived myself on the private side as someone who was and still is to some extent not confident, I always seem to doubt and question myself, I've led myself to an unhappy place, I've gotten shit, I've done shit, I'm weak, independent, and believe myself to be not straight. This side of me also wonders if I deserve to be truly happy.
And it is true happiness that I yearn for. So much so, that I'm completely changing my life.
It is with this in mind that I decided to join the blogosphere. My primary reasons for opening up during this journey are threefold. First off, I believe it will be therapeutic and healthy to begin to open up and share some of my innermost thoughts and emotions, along with allowing me the opportunity to evaluate my own personal growth. Second, I look forward to the day when I may share this blog with my closest family and friends in order to provide them with a deeper view and meaning of who I am. Lastly, I hope to provide my story and experiences as an example to those who may be in a similar situation. I have learned the long and hard way that we are not alone, and if I can give back by sharing and in doing so have an impact on someone else, great!(as I was greatly impacted by another blog: www.debriefingtheboys.blogspot.com)
I have never considered myself a great writer, communicator, or technologist, so I don't know what this blog will turn into, but I'm ready to give it a shot and STEP FORWARD.
Searching for truth, honesty, happiness, and meaning in a world of labels and my own self repression. Coming out in my early thirties experiencing the freedom, fear, and fun that it brings; with the gift of a 12 year old, the experience of a 15 year old, the body of a 24 year old, the face of a 28 year old, the analytical mind of a 40 year old, and the humor of a member of the tribe!
