W :-) A :-( W

What A Weekend!

To start off, and for those who have been reading awhile, the first song that came on my IPOD on Friday morning as I walked to the gym was It's Going to Be a Lovely Day by S.O.U.L.S.Y.S.T.E.M.

I told my sister and brother-in-law that I was gay on Friday evening. My prior post covers the flow and discussion of how the conversation went. And NO, I did not come out to my sister via that poem. I tried writing a recap of the evening on Saturday morning and I couldn’t piece anything together. I was lying in bed and then all of a sudden these lines started to flow from my brain and it all made sense. The only thing that I’ll add about our conversation is that my sister was completely surprised. Based on my life, she mentioned that she never gave it any thought that I might be gay. My brother-in-law was equally surprised although he mentioned that he became a bit curious when he learned of my address last week. They both were completely supportive, loving, and tremendously happy for me. I know it will take some time for all this to sink in for them as well as for me, but I am really glad that I told them. And at the end of dinner, we had Chinese food, on Friday night my fortune read, "You are one of those who will go places in life." Did my fortune mean to WEHO? haha

On Saturday afternoon I went to a platform event for the Obama campaign. In full disclosure, I attended this event as an Obama supporter to see how I could help the campaign out here in LA, but also to see if I could meet other guys. ;-) On both these fronts this meeting was such a waste of time. As it turned out, there were only about 15 people at the event. If that weren’t bad enough, the people who showed up appeared to be the liberal, left leaning plank of the democratic party. I consider myself a fiscal conservative, social liberal and in this meeting I found myself defending corporations. It was a really interesting meeting and I found myself scratching my head quite often. Anyway, there were no other cute guys there so I wonder whether volunteering for the Obama campaign is the best use of my time to meet other gay guys.

Saturday night was clearly the best night out that I’ve had since I’ve been here. One of the things that I thought I would never do myself was to go to a pure dance club. As I’ve mentioned in some prior posts, I have struggled with the mental picture of me dancing with another guy. So between that struggle, me not having the confidence in knowing how the game works in the gay scene, and not feeling comfortable enough to ask the few people I know here to go clubbing with me, I simply have stayed away. Until Saturday night. If Kathy Griffincoined the term Suck It, I am coining Fuck It!

So at 10:30pm I went to Cherry Pop at Suede. Once again I was a bit early as there were only about 30 people there when I entered. By 11:30pm the place was packed. And all I can is WOW! The place was oozing with HOT guys. Again WOW! I also believed I looked really good, and more importantly I felt looser and mentally okay. I smiled more, laughed more, and ultimately had a really good night. I spoke with more guys last night than I had any other night I had gone out. Although I was asked to dance by one of the guys I met, I still wasn’t quite ready to make it to the dance floor. I did move to the music more and when 2:00am rolled around I had a big grin as I thought to myself how close I was. I also had two other missed opportunity/learning experiences. There was this really cute guy who bumped into me twice, we made eye contact, he initiated apologies, and I replied generically. I realized right after that he bumped into me on purpose. I knew this based on how he bumped into me, the space around me, what he said, and how he said it. I was sooooooo angry with myself. I immediately went looking for him but couldn’t find him. The second experience was sustained eye contact. There were two guys that I was admiring for part of the night. They looked my way as well at times. So at one point, one of them was either coming back from the bar or bathroom and was walking towards his friend through the dance floor for about 20 feet. I noticed him early and we made eye contact. We sustained eye contact for his full walk back to his friend. I believe that meant something, and I should have met them both on the dance floor. Right? But I didn’t. I did meet someone else who was way into me and too complimentary. It was getting to the point where I felt he was trying way too hard and he was becoming very unattractive. We left together, but on the 30 minute walk home I realized that I wasn’t into him. He lives another three blocks east of me so I didn’t feel bad, nor did I ever lead him on. However, during this walk I experienced another surprising event. Not once, but twice did two separate cars with their windows down hurl some gay comments at us as we were walking on Santa Monica Blvd east of La Cienega. (which is about 2/3 of a mile east of the area where most of the bars and clubs are) I was shocked and surprised, but it didn’t really phase me. Honestly, I was trying to reconcile the timing of it all having just come out to my sister and trying to understand what the meaning behind this message was. However, the guy I was walking with made it a point to say that an incident like that is why he takes the cab and usually doesn’t walk home alone.

After reflecting on my night at Suede I can easily say that I am DEFINITELY going back. Who knows, maybe next time I will actually dance with a guy. (fwiw I really like to dance and was quite the dancer back in my fraternity days) It is becoming clearer to me that when I am fully comfortable and confident with myself again, I believe I am REALLY going to have some fun here in WEHO. I think I’m also done with putting pressure on myself for hooking up. Don’t get me wrong I really want to, and I have had a few opportunities to hook up since I got here. I passed on all of them because I wasn’t attracted to the guys that were attracted to me. Despite my need for more of these initial experiences, I do not believe I will fool around just for the sake of fooling around with a guy I have no interest in.

Sunday turned out to be a much more emotional day as the action of Friday started to sink in. I received a wonderful and heartfelt email from my sister in the morning as she visited our parents in Phoenix. It meant a great deal and I began to finally get emotional after I read it. A feeling of guilt then began to enter my mind in the mental energy I have now begun to place on those most important to me. The burden and work in a sense now shifts to them in understanding who the real and honest me is. I know I can’t control that, but that guilt is now omnipresent.

In the evening I spoke with my parents and sister. The conversation with my parents was a typical one but all I could think about was what was about to come. To know that in the not too distant future I am going to completely change their life and the image they have of their middle son. The conversation I had with my sister was a good one as I fought back my emotions. I am as concerned for her as she is for me in dealing with my new public reality. Ultimately, this will take time for all of us to grow in a positive fashion towards the future. But as I told her, from now on we have each other, fully and honestly, to support each other. I have provided her some resource information if she feels she needs it. She did mention that both she and my brother-in-law noticed a difference in me and thought I had a positive glow that they hadn't seen in a while. When I got off the phone is when I finally started to let go. :’( My climax to the realization of a thing called life.

S.O.U.L.S.Y.S.T.E.M.-"It's Going to Be A Lovely Day"


What a Weekend!