It began with a resolution
that a change was in store,
2008 would be different
because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown
and what would happen to me,
was finally eclipsed
by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began
with nothing but time on my side.
I found that as each week went by
fewer tears left my eyes.
It wasn't all easy.
It wasn't all fun.
But through my own personal darkness
came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences,
and the dawn of each new day.
It became more comforting and rewarding
accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.
I've learned through this year's experiences
how blessed I most certainly am.
With such amazing family and friends
one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident
to all whom I love that can see,
that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself,
in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding
can any year be?
Exceptionally transformational,
when you choose to live your life real and free!
2008 will be a year I'll never forget!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sad & Disappointed
I just don’t know how to feel and what to think about this. That’s a lie. Maybe I do know how to feel and what to think. I’m sad and extremely disappointed.
Looking back on it now, I’m going to believe that my friendship with Reggie, whom I have always considered a close friend, must have been based on one shared common interest. That of our University. Clearly there must have been no deep personal depth beyond that. Reggie was the second friend I came out to (please see Loose Ends post), and the first in my peer group. He also was the only friend I had in L.A. when I moved out here in July. So one would believe, at least I did, that if one were to move to a new city where one knew no one, then one would be able to count on their long time friend to be supportive, helpful, and welcoming in that transition. At least in my case one would be wrong.
My first sense of doubt was the day I arrived in L.A. back in July. I arrived on a Sunday during the July 4th weekend and I had asked Reggie if he could help me for about a half hour when I arrived. After a 6.5 hour drive I wanted someone to watch my dog as I dealt with the apartment manager and all the paperwork that needed to be read and signed so I could receive my keys. In Reggie’s defense I asked him about 5 days before to help. At that time he didn’t know if he could help because he had a party to go to that day but he would get back to me. As would have it, I didn’t hear back from him until that Sunday as I was driving to L.A. and the answer was he was sorry but he wouldn’t be able to help out. (FWIW, I did express my disappointment to him, in person, about this the next time I saw him.)
My second sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve gotten together with Reggie once, a Friday night dinner out, since my arrival in LA.
My third sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve seen Reggie two other times for University sanctioned functions since July. The first was in October and I spoke with him for a couple of minutes. The most recent, in early December, I saw him at the beginning of the function where we said our obligatory greetings which lasted all of about 2 minutes. In the next 3 hours we did not say another word to each other. To his defense, or at least in full disclosure, Reggie knew a lot of people at these functions.
My fourth sense of doubt is based on the fact that Reggie has not responded to my facebook friend request that was sent out three weeks ago.
One of the things I had to prepare myself for in coming out was the possibility that my family and friends would no longer love or accept the real me. I am not at the point where I am going to indict Reggie and say that he doesn’t accept me for who I am, but I am just extremely disappointed in him. Friends are important to me, and I believe I have been a friend who has always been there for mine. Unfortunately, I don’t believe Reggie has been there for me over these last 6 months.
The Fray-”How to Save a Life”
Looking back on it now, I’m going to believe that my friendship with Reggie, whom I have always considered a close friend, must have been based on one shared common interest. That of our University. Clearly there must have been no deep personal depth beyond that. Reggie was the second friend I came out to (please see Loose Ends post), and the first in my peer group. He also was the only friend I had in L.A. when I moved out here in July. So one would believe, at least I did, that if one were to move to a new city where one knew no one, then one would be able to count on their long time friend to be supportive, helpful, and welcoming in that transition. At least in my case one would be wrong.
My first sense of doubt was the day I arrived in L.A. back in July. I arrived on a Sunday during the July 4th weekend and I had asked Reggie if he could help me for about a half hour when I arrived. After a 6.5 hour drive I wanted someone to watch my dog as I dealt with the apartment manager and all the paperwork that needed to be read and signed so I could receive my keys. In Reggie’s defense I asked him about 5 days before to help. At that time he didn’t know if he could help because he had a party to go to that day but he would get back to me. As would have it, I didn’t hear back from him until that Sunday as I was driving to L.A. and the answer was he was sorry but he wouldn’t be able to help out. (FWIW, I did express my disappointment to him, in person, about this the next time I saw him.)
My second sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve gotten together with Reggie once, a Friday night dinner out, since my arrival in LA.
My third sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve seen Reggie two other times for University sanctioned functions since July. The first was in October and I spoke with him for a couple of minutes. The most recent, in early December, I saw him at the beginning of the function where we said our obligatory greetings which lasted all of about 2 minutes. In the next 3 hours we did not say another word to each other. To his defense, or at least in full disclosure, Reggie knew a lot of people at these functions.
My fourth sense of doubt is based on the fact that Reggie has not responded to my facebook friend request that was sent out three weeks ago.
One of the things I had to prepare myself for in coming out was the possibility that my family and friends would no longer love or accept the real me. I am not at the point where I am going to indict Reggie and say that he doesn’t accept me for who I am, but I am just extremely disappointed in him. Friends are important to me, and I believe I have been a friend who has always been there for mine. Unfortunately, I don’t believe Reggie has been there for me over these last 6 months.
The Fray-”How to Save a Life”
Thursday, December 25, 2008
For $99.96
I received:
92 days of access,
201 scientifically selected matches,
18 I thought may have worked,
12 of whom never responded,
2 of which I made it to the second round with,
and 1 Stand Straight post!
I never enjoyed science, although I enjoy Edilson, so I’m not sure why I thought I would be any good at Chemistry. I do take ownership in my results, or lack thereof, and now realize that matchmaking sites are not for me. I’m done with them. I was, and in reality am, extremely selective and did not meet a single person, in person, during my time on Chemistry. (or JDate for that matter) I’ve learned through these experiences that my personality and attitude are better suited for meeting people in the three dimensional world.
As for Chemistry, I had two problems with it. The first was that they advertise that you will receive five new matches a day. HA! After about 45 days as a member, it would take them up to two weeks to come up with my five matches, if they were able to come up with them at all. (I know our country is suffering from a lack of educated scientists, but come on. Pay your chemists a little more!) The second was that they market profiles of guys on their site that are no longer paying members. So if you receive them as a match, like what you’ve seen and read, and begin the match process, you’re screwed. They won’t respond. They can’t respond. I know this to be factual based upon my own personal experience.
92 days of access,
201 scientifically selected matches,
18 I thought may have worked,
12 of whom never responded,
2 of which I made it to the second round with,
and 1 Stand Straight post!
I never enjoyed science, although I enjoy Edilson, so I’m not sure why I thought I would be any good at Chemistry. I do take ownership in my results, or lack thereof, and now realize that matchmaking sites are not for me. I’m done with them. I was, and in reality am, extremely selective and did not meet a single person, in person, during my time on Chemistry. (or JDate for that matter) I’ve learned through these experiences that my personality and attitude are better suited for meeting people in the three dimensional world.
As for Chemistry, I had two problems with it. The first was that they advertise that you will receive five new matches a day. HA! After about 45 days as a member, it would take them up to two weeks to come up with my five matches, if they were able to come up with them at all. (I know our country is suffering from a lack of educated scientists, but come on. Pay your chemists a little more!) The second was that they market profiles of guys on their site that are no longer paying members. So if you receive them as a match, like what you’ve seen and read, and begin the match process, you’re screwed. They won’t respond. They can’t respond. I know this to be factual based upon my own personal experience.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Second Date
After 28 days I had my second date with the guy whom I had a first date with back in November. (please see First Date post) Twenty-eight days is clearly a very long time and in that time desires certainly have changed.
Despite having had few romantic relationships in my life, I have never shied away from offering relationship advice when asked. (some friends even believe that I know what I’m talking about...haha) One piece of advice that I offered a friend a few months ago was that he was seeing this new guy way too often. They began dating, and if I recall correctly saw each other about 10 out of the first 14 nights. In addition, he met and was introduced to his date’s friends within the first week. During these 14 days, my friend would tell me that he liked the guy but he never had the desire to rip off his clothes “to be with him.” My friend did spend some “quality” time with him but he was never “with him.” I felt and told him as such that without that sexual desire it would never work. I also told him that I felt he met his date’s friends way too soon and that he was seeing his date way too much. I reasoned that he wasn’t giving himself a chance to determine if he truly desired his date. It seemed as if he was dating this guy because he was lonely and it was convenient.
Although I didn’t plan on a separation of 28 days, half of the time due to holiday travel between my first and second date, a separation did occur. That time apart allowed me the opportunity to heed the advice that I had previously given to my friend. Being separated gave me reason to pause and think about whether my date provided me with the required desire that I felt was necessary to foster a successful romantic relationship. I began to wonder whether I was more excited about the concept of going on my first date with another guy then I was with the actuality of going on my first date with another guy.
The second date was nice but confirmed for me that I wasn’t romantically interested. I saw my date again on Saturday and will see him on Christmas Eve. I do believe my date is a really great guy and I would love to maintain a friendship with him. So my new challenge is making that happen.
Speaking of Saturday. I was invited, and attended a get together at the home of the creator/writer/producer (?) of a very Desperate Sunday night show. He was a very nice and genuine guy who positively commented twice on my dashing 7.8 looks and once on my smile. Suffice it to say I was very flattered! Now I’ll just sit by the phone and wait for a call from his casting director. LOL
Despite having had few romantic relationships in my life, I have never shied away from offering relationship advice when asked. (some friends even believe that I know what I’m talking about...haha) One piece of advice that I offered a friend a few months ago was that he was seeing this new guy way too often. They began dating, and if I recall correctly saw each other about 10 out of the first 14 nights. In addition, he met and was introduced to his date’s friends within the first week. During these 14 days, my friend would tell me that he liked the guy but he never had the desire to rip off his clothes “to be with him.” My friend did spend some “quality” time with him but he was never “with him.” I felt and told him as such that without that sexual desire it would never work. I also told him that I felt he met his date’s friends way too soon and that he was seeing his date way too much. I reasoned that he wasn’t giving himself a chance to determine if he truly desired his date. It seemed as if he was dating this guy because he was lonely and it was convenient.
Although I didn’t plan on a separation of 28 days, half of the time due to holiday travel between my first and second date, a separation did occur. That time apart allowed me the opportunity to heed the advice that I had previously given to my friend. Being separated gave me reason to pause and think about whether my date provided me with the required desire that I felt was necessary to foster a successful romantic relationship. I began to wonder whether I was more excited about the concept of going on my first date with another guy then I was with the actuality of going on my first date with another guy.
The second date was nice but confirmed for me that I wasn’t romantically interested. I saw my date again on Saturday and will see him on Christmas Eve. I do believe my date is a really great guy and I would love to maintain a friendship with him. So my new challenge is making that happen.
Speaking of Saturday. I was invited, and attended a get together at the home of the creator/writer/producer (?) of a very Desperate Sunday night show. He was a very nice and genuine guy who positively commented twice on my dashing 7.8 looks and once on my smile. Suffice it to say I was very flattered! Now I’ll just sit by the phone and wait for a call from his casting director. LOL
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Holiday Party
Having just lit my menorah for the first time in WeHo, I want to take this opportunity to wish all of you a Happy Hanukkah and a Merry Christmas!
The holiday party that I co-hosted last weekend turned out to be a fun night and a great learning experience. Our friend’s feedback has been very positive and we have already started to prepare for our next party, A Spring Fling. (our working title)
What was learned from the night was:
-My type A, slightly perfectionist personality was very evident as co-host.
-Parking was a nightmare for some of our guests.
-The drinks which were a concern, turned out to be great.
-The decorations were awesome.
-Our friend's feedback on the night has been very positive.
-Don’t wait to decorate for your party until the day of, especially when you stayed out past 3:00AM that morning.
And here are some photos of our venue:
The holiday party that I co-hosted last weekend turned out to be a fun night and a great learning experience. Our friend’s feedback has been very positive and we have already started to prepare for our next party, A Spring Fling. (our working title)
What was learned from the night was:
-My type A, slightly perfectionist personality was very evident as co-host.
-Parking was a nightmare for some of our guests.
-The drinks which were a concern, turned out to be great.
-The decorations were awesome.
-Our friend's feedback on the night has been very positive.
-Don’t wait to decorate for your party until the day of, especially when you stayed out past 3:00AM that morning.
And here are some photos of our venue:
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Scratching My Head AGAIN
What did the liberals and many in the GLBT community think?
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN!
Let me repeat that.
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN!
And here we go one last time,
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN!
Since the news broke that our President Elect chose Rick Warren to offer the invocation at the inauguration, a firestorm amongst the GLBT and liberal organizations has broke out. (I’ve got some emails to prove it, asking me to take action.) I can certainly understand the frustration and deep disappointment by many who contributed and worked tirelessly for Mr. Obama’s campaign, but once again and IMO, the leadership of the traditional GLBT organizations look sophomoric, out of touch, and without a grasp of what type of impact and influence they actually have.
I laugh now at this firestorm as I did back during the campaign when we, the volunteers of the campaign, would convey the message that Mr. Obama was against Prop 8. The truth is this.
Our President Elect is AGAINST gay "marriage".
He has gone on record saying that! He may espouse his belief in the equality of gays and lesbians but so far they are just words. Time will tell what type of President he will be, just as time will tell whether my life and my future relationships will ever be equally recognized and respected, with the same equal rights and protections as those of my straight friends, throughout our great nation.
I voted for our President Elect and I stand by my vote. He was the better candidate on a whole host of issues. Beyond the one meeting that I attended with respect to his campaign, (please see W:-)A:-(W post) I did not contribute a dime nor expend an ounce of time to support him. (all my time and money went to the fight for my state rights) This episode takes me back to a comment made by one of the liberal activists at that meeting and I’m paraphrasing, "that Mr. Obama had to be more moderate now to win, but once he won, he would shift way back to the left and become a very liberal President." LOL because some people just don't get American politics.
Lastly, to the HRC or EQCA leadership, have you talked to Mr. Warren? Or as our President Elect is open to doing, have we talked to those with different viewpoints.
According to the online CNN article Rick Warren wasn't always a lightning rod for controversy
Warren himself is working to contain the fallout from his support for California's Proposition 8. In an interview set to air this week, he denied that his stand against same-sex marriage meant he was homophobic.
"Of course not. I have always treated them with respect," he said. "When they come and wanna talk to me, I talk to 'em. When the protesters came, we served them water and doughnuts."
Although I find great humor in Mr. Warren's equating respect with a talk, water, and doughnuts, conversations with him and his like need to take place.
And make no mistake about it,
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN
and he has already begun his campaign for re-election!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Update-3AM
When I arrived at the gym yesterday I immediately saw said brother. So after my first exercise I approached said brother as he sat on the end of a bench press bench. We both had smiles on our face, shook hands, and talked a little about our experiences on Friday. I played stupid in an attempt to learn the truth and pretended not to have remembered his name nor whether Hottie and said brother were friends or brothers. So what did I learn from said brother?
So when I returned home I immediately called Hottie. Hottie remembered who I was, which wasn’t a surprise as we did text each other on Saturday, so I once again let him know that I had a really good time early Saturday morning. I told him that I just saw his friend at the gym who mentioned that he was leaving town. Hottie confirmed that and said he would be back the first week of January. He then asked me what my plans were for the holidays and so I answered. Finally, I told him that I would like to see him again when he gets back to town after the holidays. Hottie said that he would like that. :-)
Said brother’s name panned out as accurate. Hottie’s name was accurate.
Said brother and Hottie were NOT brothers. They were friends, and said brother said that Hottie was really drunk and when drunk likes to pretend that they are brothers.
Hottie had a good time on Friday.
Hottie was to leave Monday night to return home, which was out of state, for the holidays. :(
So when I returned home I immediately called Hottie. Hottie remembered who I was, which wasn’t a surprise as we did text each other on Saturday, so I once again let him know that I had a really good time early Saturday morning. I told him that I just saw his friend at the gym who mentioned that he was leaving town. Hottie confirmed that and said he would be back the first week of January. He then asked me what my plans were for the holidays and so I answered. Finally, I told him that I would like to see him again when he gets back to town after the holidays. Hottie said that he would like that. :-)
Monday, December 15, 2008
3AM
Friday night’s plan was to attend my friend's Holiday party, then come home early to get a good night’s rest. I wanted to wake up early on Saturday morning because I had a lot of work to do in preparation for my own party which was scheduled for Saturday night. It’s funny then to experience the results of changes in the most well thought out plans.
I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.
So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.
We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.
We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.
It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)
So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.
With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?
KLF-"3AM Eternal"
I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.
So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.
We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.
We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.
It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)
So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.
With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?
KLF-"3AM Eternal"
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tis the Season
Ho ho ho the holidays are near and I’m throwing a party. (actually co-hosting one with a friend of mine) It’s obviously a holiday themed party and because of our location will be cleverly decked out.
I still consider myself new to the city so I find it a bit humbling, yet gratifying that I’m in a position to host. For me, the party represents a way to give back and say thanks to those individuals who have welcomed me into their community over the last few months. We decided to invite people whom we consider friends and we welcomed them to bring a friend or two. (sorry acquaintances)
In preparation for our celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas and the 8 Crazy Nights of Chanukah my co-host and I went shopping with a friend of ours for five hours yesterday and would up buying most of our decorations and booze. I had a lot of fun, but by the end of the night realized that we may have a problem. After sampling most of the drinks, with two other friends, that we were to make for our party, the problem is that not many of them were all that tasty. Since there are not a whole lot of Chanukah cocktails that I’m aware of, am I going to be stuck serving only The Chosen Beer?
And here's a really cool light display originating from Arizona to the tune of Wizards in Winter.
I still consider myself new to the city so I find it a bit humbling, yet gratifying that I’m in a position to host. For me, the party represents a way to give back and say thanks to those individuals who have welcomed me into their community over the last few months. We decided to invite people whom we consider friends and we welcomed them to bring a friend or two. (sorry acquaintances)
In preparation for our celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas and the 8 Crazy Nights of Chanukah my co-host and I went shopping with a friend of ours for five hours yesterday and would up buying most of our decorations and booze. I had a lot of fun, but by the end of the night realized that we may have a problem. After sampling most of the drinks, with two other friends, that we were to make for our party, the problem is that not many of them were all that tasty. Since there are not a whole lot of Chanukah cocktails that I’m aware of, am I going to be stuck serving only The Chosen Beer?
And here's a really cool light display originating from Arizona to the tune of Wizards in Winter.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
faceTHEbook
Through the years I’ve never participated in nor appreciated the varied social networking sites on the net. I believe that was for a number of reasons. First, I was ashamed of who I was. I’m not sure if it was that I was ashamed of being gay or that I was just simply uncomfortable with how I was living my life, but either way I was not authentic or honest. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought and the action, of showing and sharing myself with others. Second, I’m a competitive person and at times I have a problem with looking at things solely as a competition. I have always perceived the social networking sites to be a contest for those who want to play, collect, and show the world how many friends, or more accurately pretend friends they have. Actually pretend friends may be a bit harsh, so lets just say acquaintances. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought of competing on these sites in a game of who has the most friends. Third, I’m too old for these sites. These sites were initially created by and for the youth of today. So what possible value could they have offered a guy over 30?
Having just sat down to finish the rest of this post, and after having watched the movie MILK this afternoon with some friends, I feel awful. (MILK was inspiring and I highly recommend that you all see it)
I’m ashamed that I turned into this guy who was, and to be honest still is, consumed with what others think of him. What others perceive of me, I believe, is still having an impact on how I live my life. In many ways it’s a negative impact and it’s no one else’s fault, or problem, except my own.
This is all relevant because my friend out here in LA named Gene, who as I’ve mentioned before is having quite the impact on me, got me to change a few weeks ago. Him and some of his friends had a great Halloween skit/show that they performed for the crowds at the WeHo Halloween party. It just so happened that they videotaped it and Gene put it up on his facebook page. Joining facebook was the only way he would allow me to see it. On top of that, he took pictures of our very gay night out rollerskating a few weeks ago. Once again, facebook was the only way he would allow me to view the pictures. (I know, Gene’s such an ass) He prodded and prodded, so I finally joined facebook a few weeks ago with the sole intent on viewing the stuff that was previously forbidden. After having viewed the pictures from the costume party, I perceived myself to be dressed in an outfit that was SO GAY. Seeing myself made it very easy to let facebook just sit there. Once again I stepped back into the closet by choosing not to let my family and friends share in my life. It was just a costume and I am gay, but I guess all I thought about was what my family and friend’s perception of me would be based on those images. Are they going to think that Adam is SO GAY out there in California? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Thankfully, a new perspective was gained over the last few weeks during my trip back home to Phoenix. Having had some time to think, having spent some time with family and friends, and having had a conversation about facebook with my friend Runner, allowed me to see how foolish I had been. With all that said, I am ready to face the book and share my life. My initial batch of friend requests have been sent out.
Trik Turner-"Friends and Family"
Having just sat down to finish the rest of this post, and after having watched the movie MILK this afternoon with some friends, I feel awful. (MILK was inspiring and I highly recommend that you all see it)
I’m ashamed that I turned into this guy who was, and to be honest still is, consumed with what others think of him. What others perceive of me, I believe, is still having an impact on how I live my life. In many ways it’s a negative impact and it’s no one else’s fault, or problem, except my own.
This is all relevant because my friend out here in LA named Gene, who as I’ve mentioned before is having quite the impact on me, got me to change a few weeks ago. Him and some of his friends had a great Halloween skit/show that they performed for the crowds at the WeHo Halloween party. It just so happened that they videotaped it and Gene put it up on his facebook page. Joining facebook was the only way he would allow me to see it. On top of that, he took pictures of our very gay night out rollerskating a few weeks ago. Once again, facebook was the only way he would allow me to view the pictures. (I know, Gene’s such an ass) He prodded and prodded, so I finally joined facebook a few weeks ago with the sole intent on viewing the stuff that was previously forbidden. After having viewed the pictures from the costume party, I perceived myself to be dressed in an outfit that was SO GAY. Seeing myself made it very easy to let facebook just sit there. Once again I stepped back into the closet by choosing not to let my family and friends share in my life. It was just a costume and I am gay, but I guess all I thought about was what my family and friend’s perception of me would be based on those images. Are they going to think that Adam is SO GAY out there in California? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Thankfully, a new perspective was gained over the last few weeks during my trip back home to Phoenix. Having had some time to think, having spent some time with family and friends, and having had a conversation about facebook with my friend Runner, allowed me to see how foolish I had been. With all that said, I am ready to face the book and share my life. My initial batch of friend requests have been sent out.
Trik Turner-"Friends and Family"
Monday, December 1, 2008
Week that Was
It’s been an emotionally exhausting last seven days. (for a reason I intend to write about in the future)
I’m home in Phoenix and have been so since the 24th. I’ve enjoyed spending time during the Thanksgiving holiday with family and close friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with those who have been, and still are important people in my life.
A few of the highlights with Stand Straight relevance include:
A dinner with one of my younger cousins, who lives out here in Arizona, and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother, and sister-in-law. This had been the first time that I’ve seen my cousin since I came out and it was great getting together. She was really happy for me and noticed how relaxed and free I appeared to be. After dinner, I along with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law all went to a gay bar for a few drinks. While I enjoyed going to a gay bar with them, it was a Monday and the place was empty. As they say it’s the thought that counts. haha
A luncheon with a close friend where the topic of Prop 8 and 102, the recent amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida, the Mormons, civil rights, adoption, and discrimination came up. We are both very optimistic about life and genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people. I believe that he believes all Americans should have equal rights. Where we differ is in the question of whether that inherent goodness in people has translated into full equality, both in opportunities and rights, for all Americans. He asked me this question, “Have you ever been discriminated against?” I answered, “No.” I haven’t in the past, but as I told him many other people have. Since August, and especially more so now since the election I FEEL, and more importantly I legally AM, less equal. An OPPORTUNITY is no longer there for me to strive towards the achievement of a goal. And when an opportunity is no longer there for someone, what’s the incentive for that someone to work towards achieving that goal. Throughout my life I’ve always had goals. Goals which have pointed me in a focused direction towards the achievement of a higher level of success. Whether it was running marathons, attaining professional success and recognition, or even writing this blog. (to name just a few) So the question I have for the heterosexual and majority community is this:
Although an emotionally difficult day, Thanksgiving with the family was an enjoyable one. I do have a lot to be thankful for and being blessed with such a loving and wonderful family is just one of those things. Since it has been a few months since I’ve come out to them, it was an interesting day to gauge their comfort level with things that I could share and talk to them about. My mom is clearly ahead of my dad. I separately spoke with both of them about my first date the prior week. My mom asked a number of questions, whereas my dad made a comment that he was happy for me but quickly changed the subject. It has, and still is taking me time, so I can certainly understand, and quite frankly expect that this will continue to be a coming out process for him as well.
On Saturday night I went back to the one club that I had ventured to on my last trip home in September. (please see If It Weren't So Funny I'd Cry post) First off, I believe I saw Luis again and it appears he has been working out. Second, I conducted some intense research in preparation for this visit and was told that on Saturday nights this was supposedly the place to be. I arrived at 10:20PM and my sister-n-law (SNL) joined me shortly thereafter. I found it to be a bit sparse throughout most of the night. One room was pretty crowded while the other was not so much. I can only assume that the light crowd was attributable to Saturday falling on a holiday weekend. Nonetheless there were a number of hotties, and I pointed out mine about 20 minutes into the night. Like all of my other not so fulfilling bar/club excursions, here’s this week’s version.
I met up with the Sugarwaters (Pop and Fizz) whom I hadn’t seen in some time and who I’ve know for years. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to meet up with them during my September visit, so I came out to them over the phone in October. It was wonderful to get together with them and to see their two cute and extremely social kids. We had a great conversation where I learned that Fizz was a huge fan of Stand Straight. :-) It was very flattering, but more so rewarding, to hear some of their comments because it meant that my second goal for writing Stand Straight has been achieved. (please see Break It Down post for my three goals of Stand Straight) And Fizz, sorry, but I have no plans for taking any blog tours around the country with the cast of characters from Stand Straight. As a consolation, maybe I’ll have the cast sign a pair of Stand Straight boxer/briefs that you can have Pop wear. (Wow that just gave me a business idea!)
I’m home in Phoenix and have been so since the 24th. I’ve enjoyed spending time during the Thanksgiving holiday with family and close friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in many months. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I’ve enjoyed spending time with those who have been, and still are important people in my life.
A few of the highlights with Stand Straight relevance include:
A dinner with one of my younger cousins, who lives out here in Arizona, and her boyfriend, my sister, my brother, and sister-in-law. This had been the first time that I’ve seen my cousin since I came out and it was great getting together. She was really happy for me and noticed how relaxed and free I appeared to be. After dinner, I along with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law all went to a gay bar for a few drinks. While I enjoyed going to a gay bar with them, it was a Monday and the place was empty. As they say it’s the thought that counts. haha
A luncheon with a close friend where the topic of Prop 8 and 102, the recent amendments in Arizona, Arkansas, California and Florida, the Mormons, civil rights, adoption, and discrimination came up. We are both very optimistic about life and genuinely believe in the inherent goodness of people. I believe that he believes all Americans should have equal rights. Where we differ is in the question of whether that inherent goodness in people has translated into full equality, both in opportunities and rights, for all Americans. He asked me this question, “Have you ever been discriminated against?” I answered, “No.” I haven’t in the past, but as I told him many other people have. Since August, and especially more so now since the election I FEEL, and more importantly I legally AM, less equal. An OPPORTUNITY is no longer there for me to strive towards the achievement of a goal. And when an opportunity is no longer there for someone, what’s the incentive for that someone to work towards achieving that goal. Throughout my life I’ve always had goals. Goals which have pointed me in a focused direction towards the achievement of a higher level of success. Whether it was running marathons, attaining professional success and recognition, or even writing this blog. (to name just a few) So the question I have for the heterosexual and majority community is this:
In the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave; what love, relationship, and familial goals should I, a man who happens to be gay, work to achieve?I believe all these equality issues are really as simple as that, and the answers to it will certainly expose the discrimination that’s espoused and supported by those I respectfully disagree with on these societal issues. (and btw, my friend and I may disagree on how we go about achieving full equality, but he does not fall into the category of espousing discrimination)
Although an emotionally difficult day, Thanksgiving with the family was an enjoyable one. I do have a lot to be thankful for and being blessed with such a loving and wonderful family is just one of those things. Since it has been a few months since I’ve come out to them, it was an interesting day to gauge their comfort level with things that I could share and talk to them about. My mom is clearly ahead of my dad. I separately spoke with both of them about my first date the prior week. My mom asked a number of questions, whereas my dad made a comment that he was happy for me but quickly changed the subject. It has, and still is taking me time, so I can certainly understand, and quite frankly expect that this will continue to be a coming out process for him as well.
On Saturday night I went back to the one club that I had ventured to on my last trip home in September. (please see If It Weren't So Funny I'd Cry post) First off, I believe I saw Luis again and it appears he has been working out. Second, I conducted some intense research in preparation for this visit and was told that on Saturday nights this was supposedly the place to be. I arrived at 10:20PM and my sister-n-law (SNL) joined me shortly thereafter. I found it to be a bit sparse throughout most of the night. One room was pretty crowded while the other was not so much. I can only assume that the light crowd was attributable to Saturday falling on a holiday weekend. Nonetheless there were a number of hotties, and I pointed out mine about 20 minutes into the night. Like all of my other not so fulfilling bar/club excursions, here’s this week’s version.
So my hottie came with another guy who was average looking. I believe he was the hottest guy in the bar. He was about my height, had blondish-brown short hair, smooth skin, a great body, and appeared to be a bit more muscular than I. As I told my SNL, I’m typically not into guys bigger than me, but I thought he was hot. So for the next hour or so, my SNL and I had some drinks, talked, and walked between the two rooms looking for guys and listening to the music. As an aside, my SNL was even looked up and down by a very attractive girl who was seated at the bar. From what I could remember during this period Hottie and I did not make any significant eye contact. I also observed that Hottie and Average displayed no PDA throughout the night, so based on my prior experience I was preparing an approach. The two of them had been dancing for a number of songs when Disturbia, by Rihanna, came on. (please see City of Wonder post on the meaning I place on this song) My SNL and I hit the dance floor and positioned ourselves right next to Hottie and Average. When Disturbia ended, a crappy song followed and about a quarter of those dancing left the floor. At the time, Hottie and Average did not. Since the song sucked I walked to the DJ to put in a few requests. Apparently when I walked by Hottie, my SNL heard him tell his friend, “He’s smokin!” Upon hearing this shocking news my SNL then went up to Hottie and asked, “Do you think my friend is cute?” Hottie replied, “Yes, I think your friend is cute.” So I returned from the DJ to my SNL and she tells me the story. The problem at this point was that Hottie and Average had already left the dance floor before I returned. My SNL and I then left the dance floor and after a few minutes went looking for the two of them but they were nowhere to be found. They must have left the club, and this was before midnight. Once again I left a club disappointed, and this time around with a whole new set of questions to ponder and one final comment for my SNL, “Tonight has been the story of my gay life.”
I met up with the Sugarwaters (Pop and Fizz) whom I hadn’t seen in some time and who I’ve know for years. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to meet up with them during my September visit, so I came out to them over the phone in October. It was wonderful to get together with them and to see their two cute and extremely social kids. We had a great conversation where I learned that Fizz was a huge fan of Stand Straight. :-) It was very flattering, but more so rewarding, to hear some of their comments because it meant that my second goal for writing Stand Straight has been achieved. (please see Break It Down post for my three goals of Stand Straight) And Fizz, sorry, but I have no plans for taking any blog tours around the country with the cast of characters from Stand Straight. As a consolation, maybe I’ll have the cast sign a pair of Stand Straight boxer/briefs that you can have Pop wear. (Wow that just gave me a business idea!)
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