For all of those who questioned why the Mormons were targeted for peaceful protests after the election in November. Well now you know why. And I don't think we're done yet. Just you wait until the final campaign funding report becomes public record in the coming days. I wouldn't be surprised to learn of a few more surprises about the Yes on 8 campaign.
From the LA Times Online
Mormon church reports spending $180,000 on Proposition 8 Jessica Garrison 6:48 AM PST, January 31, 2009
Top officials with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints filed reports Friday indicating that they donated more than $180,000 in in-kind contributions to Proposition 8, the November ballot initiative that banned same-sex marriage in California.
The contributions included tens of thousands of dollars for expenses such as airline tickets, hotel and restaurant bills and car-rental bills for top church officials such as L. Whitney Clayton, along with $96,849.31 worth of "compensated staff time" for church employees.
The church said the expenditures took place between July 1 and the end of the year. The church's involvement has been a major issue in the campaign and its aftermath. Individual Mormon families donated millions -- by some estimates more than $20 million -- of their own money to the campaign.
On top of that, some Prop. 8 opponents say church officials violated election law by failing to file campaign disclosure reports outlining church funds being spent on the campaign. Fred Karger, who filed a complaint with the Fair Political Practices Commission after the election alleging that church officials had not properly disclosed their involvement, said he thought today's filing proves that his complaint has merit.
"They said they reported all their travel ... now, when there is a [complaint filed] they disclose 25 Southwest tickets just in October," he said. "They were required to report this" in an earlier filing, he said. Church officials could not be reached for comment this evening.
Six days to wonder, based on the experience of those 6 long days, what it would be like to not have any verbal communication with my friend.
On the sixth night we got together for dinner at this little Chinese restaurant. For the most part our evening was like all of our other prior engagements, a good time. Although, from the get go I felt like there was a proverbial elephant in the room. For the first 40 minutes or so, what I had asked of him six nights prior was not discussed. To the contrary, I thought he was guiding me to a two letter answer based on our conversation about some other guys that I’ve gone out with.
So having not formally broached the topic for most of the evening I finally invited the elephant to sit down with us. What had been a good conversation turned into a great one. We both were very open, honest, and in a sense a bit vulnerable. The conversation was both exciting and terrifying.
So the reason I left Vegas early was because I had two full days of Prop 8/Marriage Equality workshops that I had committed to attend. I arrived at the EQCA Summit at the L.A. Convention Center a bit late on Saturday and I missed most of the morning session. (no worries though because I learned most of what was discussed as conveyed in my Surprise Guest post) The rest of the event was just so-so and I left about two hours early.
On Sunday, I was invited by the Courage Campaign to participate in their Inaugural Camp Courage. This full day event was modeled after the Camp Obama, grassroots organizer program, and they did a great job enhancing it to meet our equality needs. The Courage Campaign will be holding additional Camps around the State of California so if you reside in California, please go check out their Camp Courage Vote website and get involved.
The first action based, working session that our cohort participated in was the creation and presentation of our own unique Stories of Self. The Courage Campaign describes a Story of Self as one that tells why we have been called to serve. The key focus is on choice points; moments in our lives when our values are formed; when we have to choose in the face of great uncertainty. A good public story is drawn from the series of choice points that have structure-the “plot” of your life: the challenges you faced, the choices you made, and the outcomes you experienced. This storytelling is important because it is a means of communicating our experiences in a way people can respond to by connecting with their emotions. Oh, and our story wasn’t supposed to exceed two minutes in length. Which makes sense because when we are engaging people out on the streets, their time is at a premium.
The story that I presented on Sunday was obviously my story, the one I have written about here in Stand Straight since May. Only, it was the 2 minute verbal version. (truth be told mine went a few seconds longer then two minutes) And you know what, most of my group thought I had the best one. I’ve heard similar sentiments expressed many times over the last few months and I’m beginning to believe that my story is pretty darn cool!
Stays in Vegas unless you happen to write a little ol' blog.
On Friday afternoon I ventured up to Las Vegas to attend the first night of a friend’s bachelor party weekend. I landed at LAS at 5:00PM PST and was back at the airport 12 hours later. It was really unfortunate that I had prior plans for both Saturday and Sunday because I was really excited about this trip. It had been some time since I’ve hung out socially with many of my straight friends, most of whom on this trip are my fraternity brothers from college. This was my first real, social event with many of them since I came out to them a few months ago.
While some of the guys, like myself, flew in from a few of the Western states, most drove up from the Phoenix area. My first notable experience was receiving a gift from one of the guys from the group that drove. I’ll call him The Mayor and let’s just say I received a key to his city from him. Apparently, on their drive up from Phoenix they stopped at a convenience store. The Mayor is not shy, nor ashamed of eating only the best, and most luscious food when he sees it. So while at the convenience store he saw an item that apparently looked too good to pass up. A 3’ long, whipper snacker, pepperoni flavored beef stick. Only this time, that fine piece of meat wasn’t to satisfy his never ending hunger, but was more a gag gift for his gay friend. Does he really think that all gay guys like to play around with a piece of meat that long? And come on, pepperoni flavored? Has he not been reading Stand Straight? If he had, he would have known that I much prefer the sweet taste of a bit of teriyaki. (haha) In all seriousness, my initial, internal reaction upon receiving his key to the city was one of disappointment. Although I saw a bit of good natured humor in his slightly inebriated gesture, I wasn’t comfortable with our greetings reflecting the fact that I’m gay. Nonetheless, my internal reaction was not expressed externally and I only reflected on it for a very short period. All was well and I was extremely excited to be spending some Vegas time with my good friends of well over 10 years.
The next few hours were spent drinking, gambling (for me only a few hands), and reconnecting. The funny part here is that one of my friends, I’ll call him Jersey, was passed out before 9:00PM. Jersey isn’t some little guy and in the past could certainly handle his booze, I guess not so much anymore. (haha) While Jersey was getting to know his bed, the rest of us went to one of the restaurants at TI. (on a side note, I love this song from TI with Rihanna and I have to ask, are you Live...ing Your Life?)
At dinner we spent way too much for crap food and drinks but overall had a good time in a fun environment. And of course with a group our size we had to have the obligatory one or two guys who disappeared when the bill came. However, I do believe they paid up when they were found later.
After dinner we continued to hang around the casino where we gambled, drank, and mingled. At one point another friend of mine, I’ll call him Shalom, noticed two girls, a blonde and a red head, at the roulette table that was two tables to the left of our blackjack table. He was in awe of both of their extremely large racks. Since Shalom, and all of my other friends were either engaged or married with children I decided to be their wingman for the evening. So I went up to the girls as they were at their very crowded roulette table and began a conversation. My goal was to get them to come with me, so I could introduce them to Shalom. Despite the fact that another friend, I’ll call him Gray, joined in on the conversation at the roulette table and was trying to get the girls to continue to play roulette, both girls left the table and began to mingle with our group. The blonde, whom Shalom liked, followed me back to his blackjack table. Mission Accomplished!
Before we left for the Badda Bing, a gentlemen’s club, we thought it would be fun to introduce the girls to our passed out friend upstairs and see if their presence would awaken his senses. Although I took a number of pictures of what they did, I am only going to post this one of the girls. And yes girls, I really am gay and now you’re starring in my blog. Since they thought I was straight, I played along with them through the first half of the evening, but by the end of the night a few of my friends had told them in their own private conversations that I was. I did speak with Red about it but I can't recall if I spoke with Blonde about it.
We then went to the Badda Bing with Blonde and Red. I have been to a lot of gentlemen’s clubs in my day, both for business and with these same friends, so I was interested to see how it would be going there with them now that I’m out. It was all good and I had a really great time! It helped that the place was relatively empty and the girls weren’t particularly attractive. I obviously didn’t waste my money on any of the girls working that night, so I spent most of the evening talking to my friends, Blonde, and Red. At one point I got into a nice conversation with CRock, another friend, where we discussed another gentlemen’s club in town which I was told had a "special" upstairs. So the question I have as I write this is whether my friends will join me at the "special" upstairs club when I get married? (lol)
After an hour or two we all left and went back to TI. We milled around the casino a bit and that’s when Gray started to mutter the words that Blonde and Red were hOOkers. Most of us didn’t believe that to be the case, but Gray was persistent. When Blonde and Red began to hear those utterances they were gone. Personally, I never believed them to be “working” us that night. I don’t believe that they would have invested a good 4 or 5 hours, with them leaving us around 3:00AM, had they been hookers. I thought they were two really cool girls. Clearly if they were hookers, and any good at their job they would have gotten an impression within the first hour or so from our group and moved on. But then again, what the hell do I know.
Around 3:30AM Gray, The Mayor, CRock and I went to go get some food. Having consumed some drinks and having blown their load ;-) , of cash of course, over the preceding few hours made for an animated conversation. We got into discussing gay marriage and the vote of the people. There was a point where I questioned The Mayor on whether he was being serious because he is too smart to have asked me, or commented on some of the things that he did. One of the things that came up in our conversation were the 1,138 rights that are afforded to “married” couples. You can find them here 1,138 REASONS. These are why the term "marriage" is so imporant to full equality. Beyond the serious tone of part of the conversation, I felt it was all good. Although I felt bad for the waiter because they didn’t have any country fried steak. Poor guy.
After breakfast and having said my goodbyes, it was back to the airport where I got no sleep for the remaining two hours I was in Vegas due to some of the most uncomfortable chairs I’ve ever sat on. Nonetheless, Vegas was well worth it and it was a great start to a very long weekend!
And for one final note, I was surprised to learn that many of my friends read Stand Straight. When I opened the blog up to them (please see Dear Family and Friends post) I assumed that many would peruse and read what had been going on in my life those last few months, but I can honestly say I never thought that they would continue to read it.
So my brothers, THANKS! But like I've told you, this blog is not intended to replace our own live communication. I had a lot of fun in Vegas and am looking to see you all again soon!
I have really tried over the last week to formulate my thoughts and write about what’s been going on these last two weeks, but honestly it has been very difficult. Since I began writing Stand Straight, this has been the first time that I really have had this problem. A lot has happened, events that have been both positive and negative, but I just found it has been very difficult to write about these things.
I’m hopeful, yet extremely terrified that I may have made a mistake. Terrified with the feeling that I may have forever changed a relationship that has been so positive for me. I may be making too big a deal about this, and I probably am, but since it’s been so long and I’m not sure what the gay dating mores are, that uncertainty has me terrified.
So what has me so terrified? Well, I asked a friend out on a date. Having known him, and having shared many a good times with him over the last few months, my feelings for him began to change. I don’t quite know what my feelings mean, but what I do know is that they are different today then what they were in late December. Ironically, it was what another date who I met out on Monday said that got me into thinking about my relationship with my friend.
So we spoke over the phone on Tuesday and I simply asked him out on a date. Nothing more, nothing less. I completely surprised him and his response was, “A date, date?” We spoke for another 20 minutes or so and it was a good conversation. He admired how open and honest I was, and thought I had balls for asking him. We will get together in the next few days to discuss this in person to determine what, if anything comes next.
(and in full disclosure this friend is one of the two guys whom I've told about Stand Straight since my arrival in LA)
There’s just so much on my mind and I was hoping to write about some of it. But after staring at my computer screen trying to figure out how to articulate what I'm feeling for way too long now, I’m done.
It was quite the surprise to learn that on Thursday night at my organization’s leadership meeting we would have a surprise guest. That surprise guest just happened to be the Executive Director of EQCA. The same Executive Director who I partly blamed, and whose resignation I asked for because of the defeat of Proposition 8 in November. (please see Bittersweet post for some background)
The Executive Director was completely candid and open to all questions during the three and half hours that we met. It was a good thing because in front of the 12 or so people in attendance, I held him responsible for our defeat. Due to my ignorance and understanding of the No on 8 Campaign structure, I branded him as the face of the campaign. He understood that feeling, and it wasn’t the first time that he heard it. As it turns out he was one of seven individuals who formed the No on 8 Executive committee. Suffice it to say, in the three and a half hours that we met I learned a TON about the campaign. Most of which it would be irresponsible of me to comment on or publish on this blog. The only three things that I will mention are:
1. My shock to hear that no one person was ultimately responsible for the $40 million, No on 8 campaign. 2. No one believes that there are any threats to the 18,000 gay and lesbian couples who chose to get married when they had the legal right to. 3. I am slightly more optimistic that the court will rule that Prop 8 was unconstitutional.
After the meeting I had the opportunity to meet the Executive Director and apologize to him for holding him personally responsible. Although he shoulders some of the blame, after learning what I did about the campaign, there is enough of it to go around.
A friend and I were walking home from a club on Sunday morning around 3:00AM when our ears were filled with the soothing sounds of more ignorant a-holes. The first car drove by and from the vehicle we heard something that sounded like, “you guys going to go suck each other’s dicks you assholes.” Not to be outdone by this first vehicle, about 300 yards further east along Santa Monica Blvd. a car stopped next to us, and the passenger yelled out, “going to eat your boyfriend’s shit you faggots?”
Having experienced something like this now for the fifth and sixth time, I kind of let it go in one ear and out the other as it happened. However, the second car’s action still has me thinking. They stopped their car to yell. They decided to do this beforehand and simply did not have an impulse to just yell at two gays as they were driving through WeHo. What losers!
Beyond that Saturday was a really good day and a fun night.
It was a year ago today that my life changed. And it all started with this email to a complete stranger.
“I've been a reader of your blog for some time and I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write the blog and share with us the many experiences you've had over the last 2 years. For some of us, and speaking for myself, who don't know anyone in the community, your blog provides a small connection to the community and demonstrates the possibilities to those like myself who haven't quite been completely honest with themselves. So thanks again and I hope your '08 brings you true happiness, health, prosperity, passion, and the love of your life! L’Chaim!”
There was an unintended consequence in sending that email, and that was it exposed my true identity. I completely overlooked how my email was setup, so in truth, today is the day I first came out to somebody other than myself. I freaked out a bit when I received the reply addressing me by my real name. But looking back on it, I’m glad it happened as it happened. Coming out to this complete stranger was obviously a different experience, both meaningfully and emotionally, then coming out to my closest family and friends, but I’m thankful it happened when, and as it did.
So as it turned out, there was no turning back once I hit SEND on January 6, 2008!
And that’s what I’ll celebrate today. The fact that I took the initiative to change my life and it all began with this one email.
Based on the calendar it has been, but in reality I’ve only been physically living here for about 4.5 months. Regardless in how I choose to define my beginning in California, I’m lovin’ L.A.! So much so that I’ve renewed my lease and am now ready to call L.A. home.
With this commitment, I am preparing to turn in the furniture that I’ve been renting these past 6 months. So I’ve spent a good portion of the last few days mattress shopping. What a pain in the arse! I’ve been sleeping on a rental mattress and have spent a significant amount of time sleeping in hotel beds and I’ve never had a problem sleeping on crappy mattresses. Yet, I find myself agonizing over the finer details of this pending purchase. The #1 question is whether I should buy a king or queen size mattress. A queen mattress fits nicely in my apartment now and I wouldn’t have an issue with it’s size in any future residence. The problem is that I believe it will be a bit small and uncomfortable when I find myself a boyfriend. (there’s a first) A king mattress would overpower my bedroom now and it’s size may pose a challenge with future, rental residences. However, a king mattress would be way more comfortable and luxurious when I’m not sleeping alone. Decisions, decisions.
In other news, Saturday night was a blast. Went out for dinner with some friends to celebrate Gene’s return to the states and followed that up with three hours of dancing. While dancing, I locked lips with two separate guys ever so briefly. (although one of them was my friend, ah oh)
And for laughs...(a friend of mine sent this to me today and despite it being a few years old I had not seen it before, so I'm going to share)
It began with a resolution that a change was in store, 2008 would be different because I'd settle no more.
The fear of the unknown and what would happen to me, was finally eclipsed by my desire to live as G-d created me to be.
So my journey began with nothing but time on my side. I found that as each week went by fewer tears left my eyes.
It wasn't all easy. It wasn't all fun. But through my own personal darkness came the rise of the sun.
So with all my new experiences, and the dawn of each new day. It became more comforting and rewarding accepting for myself, that it's alright to be gay.
I've learned through this year's experiences how blessed I most certainly am. With such amazing family and friends one can't argue, that I truly am a lucky man.
I hope at this time it is evident to all whom I love that can see, that I've never been more ecstatic, or in love with myself, in living life as the honest me.
So how great and rewarding can any year be? Exceptionally transformational, when you choose to live your life real and free!
I just don’t know how to feel and what to think about this. That’s a lie. Maybe I do know how to feel and what to think. I’m sad and extremely disappointed.
Looking back on it now, I’m going to believe that my friendship with Reggie, whom I have always considered a close friend, must have been based on one shared common interest. That of our University. Clearly there must have been no deep personal depth beyond that. Reggie was the second friend I came out to (please see Loose Ends post), and the first in my peer group. He also was the only friend I had in L.A. when I moved out here in July. So one would believe, at least I did, that if one were to move to a new city where one knew no one, then one would be able to count on their long time friend to be supportive, helpful, and welcoming in that transition. At least in my case one would be wrong.
My first sense of doubt was the day I arrived in L.A. back in July. I arrived on a Sunday during the July 4th weekend and I had asked Reggie if he could help me for about a half hour when I arrived. After a 6.5 hour drive I wanted someone to watch my dog as I dealt with the apartment manager and all the paperwork that needed to be read and signed so I could receive my keys. In Reggie’s defense I asked him about 5 days before to help. At that time he didn’t know if he could help because he had a party to go to that day but he would get back to me. As would have it, I didn’t hear back from him until that Sunday as I was driving to L.A. and the answer was he was sorry but he wouldn’t be able to help out. (FWIW, I did express my disappointment to him, in person, about this the next time I saw him.)
My second sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve gotten together with Reggie once, a Friday night dinner out, since my arrival in LA.
My third sense of doubt is based on the fact that I’ve seen Reggie two other times for University sanctioned functions since July. The first was in October and I spoke with him for a couple of minutes. The most recent, in early December, I saw him at the beginning of the function where we said our obligatory greetings which lasted all of about 2 minutes. In the next 3 hours we did not say another word to each other. To his defense, or at least in full disclosure, Reggie knew a lot of people at these functions.
My fourth sense of doubt is based on the fact that Reggie has not responded to my facebook friend request that was sent out three weeks ago.
One of the things I had to prepare myself for in coming out was the possibility that my family and friends would no longer love or accept the real me. I am not at the point where I am going to indict Reggie and say that he doesn’t accept me for who I am, but I am just extremely disappointed in him. Friends are important to me, and I believe I have been a friend who has always been there for mine. Unfortunately, I don’t believe Reggie has been there for me over these last 6 months.
I never enjoyed science, although I enjoy Edilson, so I’m not sure why I thought I would be any good at Chemistry. I do take ownership in my results, or lack thereof, and now realize that matchmaking sites are not for me. I’m done with them. I was, and in reality am, extremely selective and did not meet a single person, in person, during my time on Chemistry. (or JDate for that matter) I’ve learned through these experiences that my personality and attitude are better suited for meeting people in the three dimensional world.
As for Chemistry, I had two problems with it. The first was that they advertise that you will receive five new matches a day. HA! After about 45 days as a member, it would take them up to two weeks to come up with my five matches, if they were able to come up with them at all. (I know our country is suffering from a lack of educated scientists, but come on. Pay your chemists a little more!) The second was that they market profiles of guys on their site that are no longer paying members. So if you receive them as a match, like what you’ve seen and read, and begin the match process, you’re screwed. They won’t respond. They can’t respond. I know this to be factual based upon my own personal experience.
After 28 days I had my second date with the guy whom I had a first date with back in November. (please see First Date post) Twenty-eight days is clearly a very long time and in that time desires certainly have changed.
Despite having had few romantic relationships in my life, I have never shied away from offering relationship advice when asked. (some friends even believe that I know what I’m talking about...haha) One piece of advice that I offered a friend a few months ago was that he was seeing this new guy way too often. They began dating, and if I recall correctly saw each other about 10 out of the first 14 nights. In addition, he met and was introduced to his date’s friends within the first week. During these 14 days, my friend would tell me that he liked the guy but he never had the desire to rip off his clothes “to be with him.” My friend did spend some “quality” time with him but he was never “with him.” I felt and told him as such that without that sexual desire it would never work. I also told him that I felt he met his date’s friends way too soon and that he was seeing his date way too much. I reasoned that he wasn’t giving himself a chance to determine if he truly desired his date. It seemed as if he was dating this guy because he was lonely and it was convenient.
Although I didn’t plan on a separation of 28 days, half of the time due to holiday travel between my first and second date, a separation did occur. That time apart allowed me the opportunity to heed the advice that I had previously given to my friend. Being separated gave me reason to pause and think about whether my date provided me with the required desire that I felt was necessary to foster a successful romantic relationship. I began to wonder whether I was more excited about the concept of going on my first date with another guy then I was with the actuality of going on my first date with another guy.
The second date was nice but confirmed for me that I wasn’t romantically interested. I saw my date again on Saturday and will see him on Christmas Eve. I do believe my date is a really great guy and I would love to maintain a friendship with him. So my new challenge is making that happen.
Speaking of Saturday. I was invited, and attended a get together at the home of the creator/writer/producer (?) of a very Desperate Sunday night show. He was a very nice and genuine guy who positively commented twice on my dashing 7.8 looks and once on my smile. Suffice it to say I was very flattered! Now I’ll just sit by the phone and wait for a call from his casting director. LOL
Having just lit my menorah for the first time in WeHo, I want to take this opportunity to wish all of you a Happy Hanukkah and a Merry Christmas!
The holiday party that I co-hosted last weekend turned out to be a fun night and a great learning experience. Our friend’s feedback has been very positive and we have already started to prepare for our next party, A Spring Fling. (our working title)
What was learned from the night was:
-My type A, slightly perfectionist personality was very evident as co-host. -Parking was a nightmare for some of our guests. -The drinks which were a concern, turned out to be great. -The decorations were awesome. -Our friend's feedback on the night has been very positive. -Don’t wait to decorate for your party until the day of, especially when you stayed out past 3:00AM that morning.
What did the liberals and many in the GLBT community think?
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN!
Let me repeat that.
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN!
And here we go one last time,
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN!
Since the news broke that our President Elect chose Rick Warren to offer the invocation at the inauguration, a firestorm amongst the GLBT and liberal organizations has broke out. (I’ve got some emails to prove it, asking me to take action.) I can certainly understand the frustration and deep disappointment by many who contributed and worked tirelessly for Mr. Obama’s campaign, but once again and IMO, the leadership of the traditional GLBT organizations look sophomoric, out of touch, and without a grasp of what type of impact and influence they actually have.
I laugh now at this firestorm as I did back during the campaign when we, the volunteers of the campaign, would convey the message that Mr. Obama was against Prop 8. The truth is this.
Our President Elect is AGAINST gay "marriage".
He has gone on record saying that! He may espouse his belief in the equality of gays and lesbians but so far they are just words. Time will tell what type of President he will be, just as time will tell whether my life and my future relationships will ever be equally recognized and respected, with the same equal rights and protections as those of my straight friends, throughout our great nation.
I voted for our President Elect and I stand by my vote. He was the better candidate on a whole host of issues. Beyond the one meeting that I attended with respect to his campaign, (please see W:-)A:-(W post) I did not contribute a dime nor expend an ounce of time to support him. (all my time and money went to the fight for my state rights) This episode takes me back to a comment made by one of the liberal activists at that meeting and I’m paraphrasing, "that Mr. Obama had to be more moderate now to win, but once he won, he would shift way back to the left and become a very liberal President." LOL because some people just don't get American politics.
Lastly, to the HRC or EQCA leadership, have you talked to Mr. Warren? Or as our President Elect is open to doing, have we talked to those with different viewpoints.
According to the online CNN article Rick Warren wasn't always a lightning rod for controversy
Warren himself is working to contain the fallout from his support for California's Proposition 8. In an interview set to air this week, he denied that his stand against same-sex marriage meant he was homophobic.
"Of course not. I have always treated them with respect," he said. "When they come and wanna talk to me, I talk to 'em. When the protesters came, we served them water and doughnuts."
Although I find great humor in Mr. Warren's equating respect with a talk, water, and doughnuts, conversations with him and his like need to take place.
And make no mistake about it,
BARACK OBAMA IS A POLITICIAN
and he has already begun his campaign for re-election!
When I arrived at the gym yesterday I immediately saw said brother. So after my first exercise I approached said brother as he sat on the end of a bench press bench. We both had smiles on our face, shook hands, and talked a little about our experiences on Friday. I played stupid in an attempt to learn the truth and pretended not to have remembered his name nor whether Hottie and said brother were friends or brothers. So what did I learn from said brother?
Said brother’s name panned out as accurate. Hottie’s name was accurate.
Said brother and Hottie were NOT brothers. They were friends, and said brother said that Hottie was really drunk and when drunk likes to pretend that they are brothers.
Hottie had a good time on Friday.
Hottie was to leave Monday night to return home, which was out of state, for the holidays. :(
So when I returned home I immediately called Hottie. Hottie remembered who I was, which wasn’t a surprise as we did text each other on Saturday, so I once again let him know that I had a really good time early Saturday morning. I told him that I just saw his friend at the gym who mentioned that he was leaving town. Hottie confirmed that and said he would be back the first week of January. He then asked me what my plans were for the holidays and so I answered. Finally, I told him that I would like to see him again when he gets back to town after the holidays. Hottie said that he would like that. :-)
Friday night’s plan was to attend my friend's Holiday party, then come home early to get a good night’s rest. I wanted to wake up early on Saturday morning because I had a lot of work to do in preparation for my own party which was scheduled for Saturday night. It’s funny then to experience the results of changes in the most well thought out plans.
I received a text message from a friend around 5:30PM on Friday evening inquiring on whether I was going to join them on their downtown adventure. I had no idea what he was talking about so I placed a call and learned that Friday night was a Guerrilla Gay bar night and the bar that the Gays were going to be patronizing was downtown. As I learned on Friday, Guerrilla Gay bar night is when Gays target a popular straight bar and make it gay for the evening. And by make it gay, I don’t mean redecorate it and bring their own go-go boys to dance on the bar.
So having been tempted with this new Guerrilla Gay experience, along with the tease of a hot tub nightcap at a new friend’s downtown loft I decided to commit. I went to my friend’s holiday party, enjoyed some good conversation, had two beers, stayed for an hour, and was then picked up for our trek downtown. On the drive down, I told my friend that I had to be up early the next morning so I offered to be the designated driver. Albeit in his car.
We got to the bar, which was the selected Guerrilla Gay bar, around 10:20PM and it was extremely dark inside. The bar appeared to have a good, but not great crowd. At least from what I was able to see, which was not very much. We met up with a few other guys, had two rounds of drinks, and spent the next hour or so enjoying ourselves. None of us were really feeling it at this Guerrilla Gay bar event so we moved on to another club a few blocks away that offered us a dance floor. Personally I thought the music stunk. Nonetheless, we all danced a little when we first got there. As the night wore on, I was having less and less fun while my friends were having tons of fun. By 12:30ish we were all doing our own thing and I spent my independent time walking around the club checking out the crowd. As I made my way back up from the downstairs I noticed this one guy who I thought was extremely hot. We made eye contact while he was in front of me. He walked past, I looked back, and we made eye contact again as he looked back at me. :-) Hottie had black hair, a great body, clear and lightly colored skin, a smooth chest, great teeth, and appeared to be a blend of ethnicities. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it beyond how hot he was. So for the next half hour or so I went looking for my friend who I found upstairs in a booth resting from having one too many cocktails. After having talked with him for a bit, I brought him downstairs where I walked with him to the bathroom and we then met up with some of our other friends on the dance floor. I then left the dance floor, because again I was sober and the music stunk. I moved myself to the edge of the dance floor where I was content on simply watching the very diverse looking crowd. After a few minutes Hottie and his friends appeared and parked themselves right in front of me. Hottie and I made eye contact yet again and he moved in my direction. I took a step towards him and my night, make that morning, had really just begun.
We started with some small talk which led to some casual dancing. Some casual dancing led to some intimate dancing. Some intimate dancing led to some small neck nibbles. Some small neck nibbles led to my hard on. My hard on led to some groping. Some groping led to his hands down my pants. His hands down my pants led to a hand job. A hand job led to some great amazement and joy. Some great amazement and joy led to some disbelief by my friends.
It was abundantly clear what Hottie desired on Saturday morning and in many respects I desired him equally. In the 2:00AM hour my friends began to depart. During that hour, I asked my friend who I came with to find our downtown friend so we can invite Hottie and his friends to his hot tub. Unfortunately downtown friend was no longer at the club. So as 3:00AM neared Hottie asked if I had a car and I had to answer no and that I was my friend's designated driver. My friend then wanted to head back home so I had to tell Hottie that I had to leave. He asked if I could meet up with him in a few hours to which I replied no. Why? I’ll get to that, but before I left I asked Hottie for his number. When I entered his name in my phone and showed it to him to verify for accuracy, it was incorrect. So he grabbed my phone, corrected it, and proceeded to input his number. (In hindsight I’m glad he entered it, because I found out on Saturday afternoon that I once again fucked up entering a new friend’s contact info that I thought I had saved on Friday night. It wasn’t there when I looked for it on Saturday.)
So why did I say no? Hottie went to the club on Friday night with a number of other guys. As it turns out, one of those guys looked like a guy from my gym who works out the same time as me. (a guy whom I’ve made brief eye contact with over the last few months but whom I have no real physical interest in, nor have we ever met) Hottie told me that this particular guy was his brother. I introduced myself to his supposed brother and confirmed that he is the same guy from the gym. At the time, I had a sense of doubt as to whether they were really brothers. My friend then spoke with said brother and learned that there was a third gay brother. Three gays in the same family? And then when the four of us were dancing in a sandwich formation with said brother and Hottie between my friend and I, said brother and Hottie were just about making out. So reason #1 was that I wondered if I had been lied to with respect to their familial status. The second reason was that I began to wonder whether this was all some sort of scheme which had more to do with said brother and the gym then it had to do with Hottie’s interest in me. The third reason was that I was scared. Scared of what my next action should have been, and scared at how into me Hottie was. As the night wore on I began to wonder whether Hottie was more into me or more into his desire to have sex. The fourth reason was that in the span of about 20-30 minutes between 2 and 3:00AM Hottie excused himself twice to what I thought had been to the bathroom. The second time he came back with an unused cigarette behind his ear. I then began to wonder whether he had been going to the bathroom for business or pleasure. He didn’t smell like smoke so I don’t believe he smoked. But did he do anything else? The fifth and final reason was that my experienced yet cautious friend, who was a bit inebriated, thought Hottie was a player who most likely carried some STDs on his hot ass body.
With these thoughts and questions running through my sober mind, and despite my hormonal lust and desire to rip off Hotties clothes, I decided that it wouldn’t happen on Saturday morning. I asked for his number and received it so I figured that over the next few days/weeks my questions will be answered. I’ve already texted him once and received a reply, so we’ll see where this goes. Not to mention, I wonder what will happen when I see said brother at the gym?
Ho ho ho the holidays are near and I’m throwing a party. (actually co-hosting one with a friend of mine) It’s obviously a holiday themed party and because of our location will be cleverly decked out.
I still consider myself new to the city so I find it a bit humbling, yet gratifying that I’m in a position to host. For me, the party represents a way to give back and say thanks to those individuals who have welcomed me into their community over the last few months. We decided to invite people whom we consider friends and we welcomed them to bring a friend or two. (sorry acquaintances)
In preparation for our celebration of the 12 Days of Christmas and the 8 Crazy Nights of Chanukah my co-host and I went shopping with a friend of ours for five hours yesterday and would up buying most of our decorations and booze. I had a lot of fun, but by the end of the night realized that we may have a problem. After sampling most of the drinks, with two other friends, that we were to make for our party, the problem is that not many of them were all that tasty. Since there are not a whole lot of Chanukah cocktails that I’m aware of, am I going to be stuck serving only The Chosen Beer?
And here's a really cool light display originating from Arizona to the tune of Wizards in Winter.
Through the years I’ve never participated in nor appreciated the varied social networking sites on the net. I believe that was for a number of reasons. First, I was ashamed of who I was. I’m not sure if it was that I was ashamed of being gay or that I was just simply uncomfortable with how I was living my life, but either way I was not authentic or honest. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought and the action, of showing and sharing myself with others. Second, I’m a competitive person and at times I have a problem with looking at things solely as a competition. I have always perceived the social networking sites to be a contest for those who want to play, collect, and show the world how many friends, or more accurately pretend friends they have. Actually pretend friends may be a bit harsh, so lets just say acquaintances. Ultimately, I was uncomfortable with the thought of competing on these sites in a game of who has the most friends. Third, I’m too old for these sites. These sites were initially created by and for the youth of today. So what possible value could they have offered a guy over 30?
Having just sat down to finish the rest of this post, and after having watched the movie MILK this afternoon with some friends, I feel awful. (MILK was inspiring and I highly recommend that you all see it)
I’m ashamed that I turned into this guy who was, and to be honest still is, consumed with what others think of him. What others perceive of me, I believe, is still having an impact on how I live my life. In many ways it’s a negative impact and it’s no one else’s fault, or problem, except my own.
This is all relevant because my friend out here in LA named Gene, who as I’ve mentioned before is having quite the impact on me, got me to change a few weeks ago. Him and some of his friends had a great Halloween skit/show that they performed for the crowds at the WeHo Halloween party. It just so happened that they videotaped it and Gene put it up on his facebook page. Joining facebook was the only way he would allow me to see it. On top of that, he took pictures of our very gay night out rollerskating a few weeks ago. Once again, facebook was the only way he would allow me to view the pictures. (I know, Gene’s such an ass) He prodded and prodded, so I finally joined facebook a few weeks ago with the sole intent on viewing the stuff that was previously forbidden. After having viewed the pictures from the costume party, I perceived myself to be dressed in an outfit that was SO GAY. Seeing myself made it very easy to let facebook just sit there. Once again I stepped back into the closet by choosing not to let my family and friends share in my life. It was just a costume and I am gay, but I guess all I thought about was what my family and friend’s perception of me would be based on those images. Are they going to think that Adam is SO GAY out there in California? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Thankfully, a new perspective was gained over the last few weeks during my trip back home to Phoenix. Having had some time to think, having spent some time with family and friends, and having had a conversation about facebook with my friend Runner, allowed me to see how foolish I had been. With all that said, I am ready to face the book and share my life. My initial batch of friend requests have been sent out.
Searching for truth, honesty, happiness, and meaning in a world of labels and my own self repression. Coming out in my early thirties experiencing the freedom, fear, and fun that it brings; with the gift of a 12 year old, the experience of a 15 year old, the body of a 24 year old, the face of a 28 year old, the analytical mind of a 40 year old, and the humor of a member of the tribe!
